Chapter 9: The Other Guy: Joss' POV, Part 4
A/N: Joss makes her decision
The usual disclaimers: Nothing you recognize belongs to me
April
Sunday morning arrived clear and warm. Taylor took off early for his day with his friend Jake – they were planting at St. Sebastian's in the morning, then to the library in the afternoon where Joss suspected they would spend more time looking at girls than studying, but they would actually get some work done. Jake's mother Wendy had given Taylor an open invitation for dinner at their house, so Joss didn't expect her son home until later that evening.
Joss had the whole day to herself.
She took a long luxurious bath, anointing her body with rich, creamy lotion. She gave herself a pedicure and painted her toe nails. She cleaned out her closet, putting away most of her winter clothes. It was so warm that she put on a dark red sleeveless top and black capris. Opening the windows, she stretched out on the couch, flipping through a pile of trashy tabloids that her mother had dropped off at her house, enjoying the light breeze on her bare feet and calves.
As noon approached, her stomach growled – she went into the kitchen, hoping that the refrigerator fairies had left something delicious inside - but there was only the remains of last night's pizza. She was about to put it in the microwave, when someone knocked on her door.
It was Reese. And he brought lunch.
She had never seen him dressed like this before in a slate blue polo shirt, jeans and sneakers, the silvery sheen of the shirt highlighting his gray eyes. The food was fantastic, the beers were ice cold and she couldn't remember laughing this much in a very long time. As they ate and talked, she studied him – the way his throat constricted as he drank his beer, how his biceps flexed as he gestured, the strong curves of his thigh muscles when he crossed his left ankle over his right knee – John Reese was a beautiful man, not just in the way he looked, but in the way he moved. She was always astonished at how easily he moved when he fought – it should have been no surprise to see that ease here on her couch but she was surprised – and fascinated.
So when he ran his hands down her arms, she didn't pull away, transfixed by his long graceful fingers. When he traced those fingers across her face, she shivered, but she didn't tell him to stop. When his lips lightly touched hers, she sucked in a breath, but it was in desire, not rejection.
And when he bent to kiss her again, her lips met his.
The something inside her coursed through her body and she felt like she would die if she didn't envelop this man in her arms, feel his strong hard frame against hers. Their lips claimed each other over and over and as the kisses grew richer and deeper, they sank back against the couch, bodies pressed together, their need becoming stronger and stronger.
Reese stood up and pulled her to her feet. Joss leaned against him, her feelings for Reese warring with the thoughts swirling in her head. It was all so easy, she thought, too easy to go from cool, calm, collected Jocelyn Carter to rolling around on the couch like some lovesick high school cheerleader making out with the star quarterback. And if I make love with him, if I give myself to him…
I don't want to be like them.
I want him, I need him.
I can't be like them.
I want to hold him, want to wake up with his arms around me.
I won't be like them.
I'll be lost.
Joss pushed him back. "We should stop before we get too carried away."
John looked at her as though she'd gone insane. "Is that what you think is happening here, Joss?" She tried to step away, but Reese grabbed her arms, his fingers digging into her skin. Good, she thought, get mad, I can deal with that.
"Isn't it? Two healthy adults, good food, cheap booze…I don't want…," she caught herself in time, "us… to do something we'll regret, just because we want each other today."
They both started at the knock on the door, "Who is it," Joss called out.
It was Steven.
His eyes, those gorgeous eyes were telling her to send Steven away…
Joss pressed her hands again against Reese's chest, "John."
Reese stepped away from her. Joss smoothed her hair and straightened her top. As she walked toward the front door, Reese said so soft and low she could barely hear him, "I've wanted you…from the moment… I saw you...I want you… so much… it scares me."
I can't, she thought, I can't.
She let Steven in.
"I know we didn't have any plans, but-"
Steven's and Reese's eyes locked on each other, and in that brief, fleeting exchange, Joss realized that they had spoken about her. Boys and their toys – and I'm the toy. That's all this is to him, she thought, a game – he wants me only because someone else does, and I fell for it. She tamped down her anger and hurt, forcing herself to be calm as though the afternoon had never happened, as if he'd never held her in his arms, never kissed her, never said – STOP, she told herself.
Her voice was cool and impersonal. "Thanks for lunch. We'll talk - tomorrow."
Reese stared at her for a long moment, then he nodded, "Of course, Detective." He walked past her to the front door.
"Nice to see you again, Mr. Reese," Steven said as John walked out the door.
As Joss closed the door, Steven leaned in to kiss her, but Joss stepped back, holding up her hands to ward him off. "Steven…please." Her voice softened. "What are you doing here?"
"I just wanted to stop by on my way home, see if you might be free for dinner." He looked at her closely, "Are you alright, Jocelyn?"
"I'm fine." Joss turned away for a moment, blinking away the tears that suddenly filled her eyes. The sun had gone behind the clouds and her apartment was dark and cool. "It's cold in here." She crossed the room to close the windows, quailing at the sight of a twisted throw and pillows on the floor next to the couch. As she shut the windows and fiddled with the blinds, she thought, I'm kissing one man and seeing another – who's the one playing games, Jocelyn? "Tell me about the symposium."
"It was like most symposiums, Jocelyn. The results will be put in a nice binder that will sit on a dusty bookshelf somewhere. Dinner? We could call your son and have him join us."
She re-crossed the room, standing in front of him. "I don't think so, Steven. It's been a long weekend for everyone." As she gazed at him, she knew what she had to do. "Steven –"
He took her hands in his, "Jocelyn, you're tired and upset and I know you're still angry with me about what happened yesterday. Look, we don't have to go away next weekend. When you're ready –"
Joss slowly took her hands away, looking straight into Steven's eyes. "Steven, I am so sorry. I can't see you anymore."
Steven frowned at her, disbelief in his hazel eyes. "You can't see me - Jocelyn – I don't understand. When you sent him away, I thought –" he took her hands again. "Help me understand – tell me what I can do to change your mind."
Joss shook her head. "Steven, you're a good man and I've enjoyed spending time with you, but I don't care for you the way you should be cared for. You deserve more than that."
Steven's smile was sad, sardonic. "So in other words, 'it's not you, Steven, it's me.' And if I told you that I was willing to wait, that I'd care for you and love you until you felt the same way about me?"
She gave him a sad smile back. "That's not going to happen, Steven."
Steven released her hands, turning his back on her to look at the remains of lunch on the coffee table. "But it is him, isn't it? It's always been him, even from the first time I met you." He turned suddenly and Joss saw his tightly controlled anger coiled just below the surface. "He's not the man for you, Jocelyn, believe me. He's a –" a bright flush covered his face and neck "-he'll only be able to offer you the shadows. You told me that I deserve more. Don't you deserve more than that?"
He pulled her into his arms, holding her close, his voice a whisper, "I want to give you the world, Jocelyn. I want to keep you safe."
Joss took his face in her hands, kissing him softly. "I'm not meant to be safe, Steven." Her career, the work she did with the numbers, her feelings for John Reese - Joss knew that she could talk to him until the end of time and he would never understand.
They stepped apart. Steven walked to the front door. As he opened it, he said, "I think, I know you're making a mistake, Jocelyn. If you need me…" he walked out of her apartment, closing the door behind him.
Silence. She was alone again. Well, Joss thought, I'm good at that. I've got my son and my work, my family and my friends. I don't need anything else in my life. I'm fine -
Her legs went out from under her and she sank to the floor, a dry sob ripped from her throat as a flurry of emotions pummeled her, constricting her chest and throat until she could barely breathe. Desire, anger, need, loss and another emotion buried so deep inside her, so far at the edge of her thoughts, she knew it would tear her apart if she named it.
But it is him, isn't it? It's always been him, even from the first time I met you.
I'm not meant to be safe – I'm Jocelyn Carter, I dived in the quarry when all the other kids wouldn't, I got married the day after graduation when everyone told us to wait, I marched into battle shoulder to shoulder with my fellow soldiers, I survived the loss of my husband when I thought it would kill me, I raised a child alone when there were half a dozen guys who wanted to marry me, I went to law school when everyone told me I couldn't do it, I took on the mob and HR and anyone who would stand in my way – I've never kept my mind or my body or my spirit safe - why did I think I could keep my heart safe – why?
Is that what you think is happening here, Joss?
John Reese just showed up at her door - without the phone calls, without the suit, without some conspiracy or plot to make her crazy - just showed up to be with her…
He'll only be able to offer you the shadows.
She knows that John will break her heart, that one cold night he'll disappear and she'll search hospitals and morgues and vacant lots, that she'll never be able to find his body, that she'll never be able to mourn him properly.
I've wanted you…from the moment… I saw you...I want you… so much… it scares me.
She also knows that if she doesn't go after him right now, she will regret it for the rest of her life.
She ran out of the apartment.
A/N: Next: Barefoot in the Park
