Chapter 9
An hour later, when Lucas came outside to pick up some of the toys the boys had forgotten to put away, he saw smoke curling into the air. And found Riley sitting cross–legged on the ground beside a blazing campfire. He stood in the glow of the firelight, waiting for her to invite him to join her. She didn't.
God, how much rejection is a guy supposed to take?
Riley stared into the fire. "I came out to say thank you for the party. I'm—I'm going away for a few days."
Lucas dropped to the ground beside her. "The boys and I can move into the house this weekend. I'm sorry having us so close has been hard on your work schedule—"
"It's not the boys. Or you." Riley interrupted. "It's me. I'm the kind of person who does better on her own. That way I can't…"
Lucas reached out and took her hand. Was she running away from him? Or from herself? "Can't what?"
Riley was silent so long, he didn't think she was going to answer him. "Disappoint anyone."
Lucas thought about her parents' litany of criticisms and exhaled quietly. "I'll tell you what I see in you, Riley. A woman who is dedicated to her career, but bends her schedule to have tea with a lonely woman next door. Someone who shares her best friend with two little boys who feed grilled–cheese sandwiches to her fish. Someone who's creative. Disciplined. Someone who writes stories for children because she understands them."
Riley tried to pull her hand away, but Lucas kept it anchored in his own. "You don't know the truth." Her eyes were dark when she looked at him. "I gave up my chance for a—a family."
Lucas' eyes reflected his confusion. "When?"
"When I killed my brother."
Lucas had backed Riley into a corner, leaving her with no weapon except the truth. Maybe it was the only thing that would convince him she wasn't the person he thought she was.
She'd never told anyone her secret. Only her parents and her best friend Maya knew that she's the reason why Auggie died. She was only seventeen and Auggie was twelve at the time. She desperately wanted to attend a party but promised her parents that she would stay home and help Auggie with his school project but Auggie being the sweet brother that he was convinced Riley to go to the party and be with her friends. She didn't want to leave Auggie alone at home so she asked him to go with her. On the way to the party, a drunk driver hit their car. Auggie died that night.
"So now you understand." Riley kept her voice controlled, waiting for Lucas to stand up and walk away. Now he knew. She wasn't the type of woman he'd be interested in pursuing a relationship with.
Lucas didn't move. Maybe he didn't understand. "My brother would still be alive if I didn't go to that party. He was only twelve and I killed him."
"Riley." Lucas murmured her name and instantly tears banked behind her eyes; Riley refused to let them fall. She didn't want him to feel sorry for her. She wanted him to understand that she'd made a choice and now she had to live with it.
"My parents were devastated. Both my parents buried themselves with work. They were hard working people but after Auggie died they literally lived for their careers. And because I became an only child their expectations of me became higher. It was easier to do what they wanted. I feel so…guilty. I went to the college they'd picked out. My mother is a lawyer and my dad is a professor, and they'd been grooming me to eventually become a doctor. My senior year of college, I heard them talking about giving Marley away." Riley paused, the memories crowding out everything else.
"Marley?" Lucas prompted.
Riley nodded and the comforting press of his fingers on her hand gave her the courage to finish the story. "Marley was Auggie's dog. I was graduating in a few weeks and I just knew she belonged to me. I asked my parents to keep her until I was done with school, but they said we had to give her away. They wouldn't keep her and neither could I. I was supposed to move back home and start looking for a good school for pre-med, but something inside me just…broke. I kept Marley and moved into an apartment. Mom and Dad said they wouldn't support me if I kept making such poor decisions, but at that point, I didn't care."
She could see the tiny studio apartment again, the furnishings compliments of a secondhand store. Marley had been her comfort during that time—the dog's playful antics had been the only thing that brightened her day. "I worked at a coffee shop to pay the bills, but I did some charcoal sketches of Marley and showed them to a school friend. I'd sketched and painted for fun, but I'd thought if I had had any real talent, my parents would have encouraged me. That friend suggested I come up with a story idea to go with the drawings, and used his family's connections to get an editor to look at my work, and they loved it." A smile touched her lips at the memory of the phone call that changed her future.
"I try to reach out to my parents, but it's still…hard. I'm not the daughter they'd hoped for. They visit a few times a year, but I don't think they've ever really forgiven me for killing Auggie."
It didn't seem to matter how successful she'd become as a children's book author. Throughout dinner, she'd heard subtle references to their retirement. Reminders that she'd failed them. That she could have been so much more.
The crackle of the fire was the only sound between her and Lucas. Riley tried to withdraw her hand again and this time he let her go. Pain stripped the breath from her lungs. She knew what was coming. But she hadn't expected it to hurt so much.
Riley tugged her hand away, and Lucas let her go, sensing her need for space. From the expression on her face, it was clear she didn't share this story often. Maybe she hadn't ever shared it with anyone. She'd told him the truth about her past to scare him away, but for the first time he saw a glimmer of light on the path to the future. Their future.
Lucas asked God to help him find the right words.
"I think you're an…extraordinary woman."
Riley turned away, but not before he caught the sparks of anger in her eyes. "Didn't you hear anything I said?"
"I heard everything you said." And everything you didn't. "And I think it took incredible strength to break away from your parents and start to live your own life. God gave you an incredible gift and He wouldn't want you to ignore it."
"Strength?" Riley repeated the word bitterly. "If I was strong, I would have ignored my desire to go to that stupid party. My brother would still be alive."
And she'd been paying penance ever since with her self–imposed exile. Banished by guilt.
"You were a teenager," Lucas could only imagine how alone Riley had felt during that time. That her parent's emotional abandonment added to the fear and confusion. "You can't punish yourself for that decision for the rest of your life. You can't be afraid to let people in." He remembered what that had been like. If it hadn't been for the members of Nicole's church, who refused to let him isolate himself, he might have done the same thing.
"After Nicole died, I couldn't escape the guilt, either. I thought I had failed as a husband and a father. I got so caught up in my career that my wife and sons simply became part of the image. Their picture on my desk was an icebreaker when I met a new client, not a reminder of how blessed I was. There was no way I could make it up to Nicole and it ripped me up inside. If it hadn't been for the boys—and my faith—I wouldn't have been able to move forward."
"You're a great dad." The sincerity—and something else—in her voice made Lucas' pulse jump. Maybe he was getting through to her.
"Even when I provide the boys with instructions on how to make a catapult?" He smiled at her change in her expression.
"That was your idea?"
"I didn't know they'd test it in your pond. It may not have been the best of introductions, but I'm not complaining."
The peach glow rising in Riley's cheeks wasn't from the warmth of the fire. "Lucas…" She swallowed hard. "I don't know why you're still here. Why haven't you run as far away as you can?"
Because that's what everyone else did when you put up your defenses.
"I meant it when I said I wanted to get to know you better. To spend more time with you."
"But after what I told you—"
"I mean it even more."
Riley lifted her hand and she tentatively traced the curve of his jaw. Then she leaned forward and the soft pressure of her lips against his drove away every coherent thought. Before he could react, she rose to her feet and started to walk away.
Lucas found his voice right before she disappeared into the shadows. "What was that for? Thank you? Good night? Goodbye? Good luck?"
Riley's laugh stirred the evening air. And his hopes.
Until the next morning…when he found out she was gone.
