Breathless
By Tyrael aka LiangFeng
With Kooritenshi
Chapter Eight: Too Far Gone
Please speak slowly
My heart is learning
Teach me heartache
Stop this burning now
--"Too Far Gone", The All-American Rejects
"Will you be taking her home after…"
Xu glanced over at the doctor, shifting her eyes instead of allowing her the benefit of a full head-turn. It was so fake…
The irony of it all nearly caused Xu to burst out into laughter. Though Quistis was close to Dr. Kadowaki, she knew of how detached the doctor was. It was the same detachment the teachers had with their students. Never get too close. Close enough to call each other acquaintances but never enough to be called friends.
Sure, the distance could be excused with a simple practical statement. Such as that Dr. Kadowaki had seen too many budding youths, too many of her own students, end their lives on the battlefield. She had soon too many young lives cut short of their prime that she had failed herself to establish any meaningful relationship with her students, lest she face the pain of loss again.
But Quistis had known it was something else. She knew it was something more. She was the youngest instructor in all of Garden's history. She saw the sides from both perspectives, the students and the staff members. She gazed in from the outside and looked out from the inside.
And one day, the young instructor had shared a little piece of discovered knowledge with Xu.
"Teachers and students aren't separated because it's unprofessional to have close kinds of bonds or relationships. It's not that we cannot stand the pain. It's because we simply cannot understand each other. One generation is brought up with certain beliefs, the other a different set. We're too stubborn-too blind to see past our walls in which we have made our world in. So we're willing to be alone. We're willing to face our own problems our own way, regardless of the consequences. But is that sort of freedom worth the consequences?"
And at that moment Xu realized that Quistis wasn't the young, naïve instructor many had thought so about her. She was an instructor at 17. The teaching staff shunned her because she was still a child. The students refused to associate with her because she was a teacher.
And in her loneliness, Quistis did not wither and break. Quistis had become stronger than anyone had ever given her credit for. She had become more insightful and wise than anyone three times her years. She thrived on isolation, she lived on pain. And in the end, she always came out stronger-the winner.
But now…Xu didn't know what to believe. Was Quistis weaker than she had previously thought? Or was there some great force that did eventually break the unsinkable spirit of Quistis Trepe?
Only time…and patience would tell.
"Yes." Xu found herself replying. "I'm thinking I can take her to my apartment tonight. It's late, we can't burden her by placing her into her own room. Too much complications…"
"Yes, I think that's best." Dr. Kadowaki nodded, before waving her hand at Quistis door. "Shall we proceed?"
Xu could only nod as she braced herself for the grim task ahead. And as the doctor started to open the door, Xu could almost feel the blood in her body just simply disappear. She had to lock her knees to keep herself from toppling over as she suppressed the lurching in her stomach. She could taste the bile that rose to her throat. Xu could not deny that she hadn't felt this sensation before. Although the last time she did, she was 10 and in her Magickal Studies class and was about to experience what is was like to be on the receiving end of a very powerful Thundara spell.
"Quistis?" Dr. Kadowaki peered into the dark room, as she closed the door behind Xu. She grew puzzled. The room hadn't been this dark when she had come in a few minutes earlier. Who turned off the lights? Her hand went to the wall beside her.
"Can you leave that off?" A voice from the bed asked and Dr. Kaowaki's hand immediately withdrew from the switch, as if stung.
"What are you doing in the dark, Quistis?" She asked.
There was no reply. But through the darkness, Xu could see the outline of a figure sitting on the bed with her head bowed, moving her shoulders in what was a guilty shrug. Xu took this opportunity to turn back to the doctor and give her a small nod. "I got it from here." Implying that she was ready.
The doctor nodded back and opened the door to leave.
As the door closed, Xu turned back to Quistis. "Quistis?"
At the sound of her name, the girl's head darted up, and with the moon shining through the window, Xu could make out the brilliant blue eyes upon her.
"I'm Xu." She approached her cautiously, so not to startle her. Then almost fearfully, as if terrified of the answer, she asked quietly. "Do you remember me?"
She could see the sadness that welled up in sapphire eyes before Quistis closed them against the flowing tears, and shook her head. "I don't remember anything." She said in a choked sob.
This visibly horrified Xu. She had never in her entire life saw Quistis Trepe cry. Even when Quistis had broken every bone in her left-arm, in a freak training accident, that left her with three displace bone pieces, all of which were sticking out of her skin in wicked splinters, she hadn't shed a single tear or screamed a cry of agony. Xu remembered that day as if it were yesterday. All the blonde had done was blame herself for not being careful enough to avoid the T-Rexaur's swinging tail. Her emotions had always been hidden away in a place Xu couldn't reach. Purposely locked away so that no one would be able to touch it. It was called professionalism. She had known that becoming an instructor would rob Quistis of the last years of her childhood, but until now, she hadn't really known that it had stolen her ability to express her feelings.
"Quistis?" Xu's voice was filled with genuine concern. "Quistis… don't cry." She tried her best to reassure the girl, as she took her into her arms, wishing with all her heart that she could carry some of Quistis' sadness. To relieve Quistis of her burden.
But she could only stand on the outside and look into the window at the girl who cried out at the world, and begged for mercy.
She hugged Quistis to her, running her fingers through the blonde silken strands of hair, whispering comforting words into her ear. Soon enough, tears of her own started to streak down her face, mingling with Quistis'.
"W-What's going to happen to me?"
'I don't know' Was the first thing that came into Xu's head. Because she really didn't know what made Quistis try to kill herself. She couldn't imagine the things that haunted Quistis to make her subconscious suppress her memories. She could only think of how long and hard the road to normalcy Quistis had to walk. And would Quistis come out of this broken? Or with her head held high?
"Wherever you go…we'll be here with you. Every step of the way." Because that was the truth, though it was only half of it.
"I feel lost." Quistis whispered softly, not really saying to Xu than saying it to herself.
"What do you remember?" Xu asked, in an effort to try to ease Quistis. It was better to take things one at a time, and then look at the bigger picture, a tactic Xu had picked up on the field.
"Rinoa."
Any presumptions Xu had made before, any hypothesizes of Quistis condition or state of mind…it all shattered as Rinoa's name fell from Quistis' lips.
Rinoa? Why Rinoa?
"What do you remember about Rinoa?"
"Everything."
Xu blinked, a small pause as she tried to take in this bit of information. She sighed deeply, helping Quistis to ease herself into a more comfortable position she contemplated on what to say.
Quistis didn't know why, but she felt Xu's presence a bit of a comfort for her. She felt as if she could share anything with her, she figured it was a sort of charisma the older woman exuded. But as she laid her head down on Xu's lap and looked up to stare into warm brown eyes, she knew it was much something much more.
"Everything?" Xu echoed.
"Yes." Quistis replied, nodding. "Strange isn't it?" She said, laughing a hollow laugh.
"It is odd." Xu agreed, letting her fingers play idly with a lock of Quistis' hair, as she left her mind free to wander. Could it be?
Quistis then started to take a closer look at the fellow SeeD. She took note of the far-away look Xu's eyes held.
"This might sound a bit rude but…" She started, taking a moment to form the question properly before blurting it out. "What was our relationship?"
Xu was caught off guard. Her eyes snapped back into reality, losing the previous haziness they held before. But it didn't take long for a smile to make its way upon her lips, and an almost girlish giggle elicited from her throat.
"You were my best friend in the entire world!" She said without hesitation. "And in turn, I was yours."
Quistis could detect a tinge of pride in her voice as she spoke and soon she was returning the smile Xu was giving her.
"We were roommates and graduated together at the top of our class. Of course you beat me by a .22 on our GPA…" She took the opportunity to ruffle Quistis' hair a bit, causing the blonde to laugh. "You were always the brains." She sighed dramatically.
Quistis stopped her laughing, taking a small moment to grab at Xu's hand, intertwining her fingers with her own. The change of mood was evident. The playfulness was gone in an instant, and in its place was a kind of seriousness mixed with longing. Longing for something more…longing to remember herself and her past.
Pressing their hands together, palm to palm, she spoke quietly. "We were close…"
Xu watched as Quistis studied her hand, never feeling the single tear of happiness fall down her face. "Very." Her voice carried a certain measure of strength. "You were there for me. And I was there for you."
"Like you are right now." Quistis replied with a hint of a smile.
It was astonishing. This was the Quistis who knew no boundaries, who knew no walls. Who did not think that she had to hide herself from the world. She left herself open to the elements. She was free. Quistis was free. But was it worth it? Was Freedom worth all this pain?
Quistis paused as she let out a wide yawn, causing Xu to giggle. It was evident that both of them were weary from the day's events. They would face the world in all its hell in the morning. But for now…
"Go to sleep." Xu whispered with gentle urgency. What the hell was she thinking? It would take days until Quistis could recover her strength. Until then, she needed every ounce of rest she could get.
She kissed the blonde softly on the forehead. "We'll talk more in the morning."
Quistis nodded, drawing strength from Xu's gesture of affection. She didn't understand this easy connection they both had, she didn't know why she had let Xu become so close to her in such short time…but it felt so natural. It felt so comforting have Xu so close to her, to feel her presence right beside her. It was as if she had done this so many times before.
Soon Xu found herself humming a soft lullaby, in a hope to chase away any unwanted dreams from her friend's sleep. At first she felt silly. But this was Quistis. Quistis who understood her, listened to her and was there for her in her times of need. Quistis, who crammed and pulled all-nighters with her when they were in junior class. Quistis, who fought side-by-side with her in their SeeD exam. Quistis, who brought her coffee when she was up late grading papers. Quistis, who was her friend.
So she sang that lullaby, until Quistis fell asleep. And when she did, Xu took her into her arms and soon, they were back at her apartment.
As she laid Quistis gently onto her bed, and spread the covers over the sleeping girl, she couldn't help but stay awhile to gaze upon the angel's face. Maybe in a way, this memory loss for Quistis wasn't a curse, but a gift; a chance to start over, to live without feeling numb, to live with love. And it went without saying that Xu loved Quistis. But it was only until now did Xu realize that she would do anything for her.
TBC
Author's Notes: What I tried to convey in this chapter was the impact of Quistis' presence in Xu's life, and vice-versa, and also a deep kind of friendship between them. Also, the fine line between deep friendship (Xu) and intimate love (Rinoa). I wanted to show that Xu and Quistis were the kind of friends that could sleep in the same bed and not have the need to kiss or touch. So in other words: Rinoa doesn't have competition.
