Author: Hatchet Face Cullen
A/N: This chapter is dedicated to the original Late Shift purely because only they will really get this. So here's to you Reijilie, Crayons, RJC, Scar and Ninja *giggles*
Chapter 9
Uri.
Bella walked back up the alley to find her bike, she didn't relish the fact she would have to sit on the cold hard seat and peddle all the way home after the battering her vag had just had from Russell. The night was starting to set in and she was alone in the alley, she looked down and thought of giving her v-fro a little teasing to cushion the seat of the bike. But alas after 2 poundings in one day her v-fro was more manky than fresh... so much for the breeze.
She was reaching the end of the alley and couldn't spot her bike.. Fuck some bastards stole it – dirty minks! Bella thought to herself. As she began to look around wondering how the hell she was going to get home walking like John Wayne; she spotted something in the side of her eye. A little bit further down from the trailers, there seemed to be what looked like a large tented area.
Bella made her way over looking like she had a thigh trainer permently attached between her legs, as she reached the curtained door she peaked her head in hoping it was some sort of resting space for the crew members. It was the canteen, empty and stocked to the bones with delicious food. Bella drooled. She hadn't eaten since this story had started because the other authors forgot. Her hands were crow like and her feet like that of a rat.
Oh man, I could murder a smoked German sausage right about now. Oh the concoctions I could make with a smoked German sausage... mmmmmmmmmmm... Bella's thoughts trailed on as she moved closer and closer to the buffet a crow hand reaching for the giant sausage.
"I wouldn't eat that if I were you..." someone whispered in her ear.
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Bella jumped in the air wondering what the fuck was going on.
"Oh I's so sorry I didn't mean to startle you, it's just I wouldn't touch the sausage from here..." the man continued in a strange Ukrainian/Polish/Czech/Romanian accent; while polishing a spoon.
"Who the fuckery are you? I jumped out of my fricking skin there, way to kill someone you complete douche. And what the hell is wrong with the sausage? I've been dying for one all day!" Angry at being scared shitless, Bella ranted on, pointing what she thought what she thought was a finger but was actually the sausage she had unknowingly picked up. "So So So, FUCK YOU!" Bella screamed with anger clinching her first and with that the sausage flew out of her hand and straight into the man's face.
"OWIE" The strange foreigner rubbed his face.
"Oh golly gosh! Fiddle Sticks, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean... Oh my... Jimminy crickets... Did that hurt?" Bella began to get herself in a state and began crying. " It's just I don't really want a sausage... what I really want is my fish fry and no matter where I go or who I see, I never seem to get it."
"Oh I see, I don't think they serve fish fry at this counter. And don't worry about my face it didn't hurt. I have a feeling the evening will turn out well." The foreign European man stared into Bella's eyes almost hypnotising her but not quite. "My name is Uri Geller, I am Michael Jacksons BFF. I love him I have been so sad since his death. You seem to be glum too... Perhaps we could help each other?" Uri stared at Bella in that hypnotic suggestive way that made him look cock eyed.
Bella squinted wondering what was wrong with his eyes, he wasn't really her type and couldn't understand most of what he was saying but after two failed attempts today she would do an ice cream cone if she thought it would get her off.
"Ok Uri, let's go back to your place and make each other happy"... Bella began to perk up.
A ten minute walk later they entered Uri's grotty B&B room. There was nothing in the room except a mini fridge and a single bed. The bed had no sheets, only a plastic mattress protector. Uri led Bella to the bed and stripped her naked with his hypnotic cock eyes.
"Bella before we do this there is something you must know..." Uri continued in his strange Ukrainian/Polish/Czech/Romanian accent. "... I have a penis erectile dysfunction so I cannot enter you myself, but I have something better Bella. I. HAVE. THIS." Uri held up his sterling silver cutlery set pulling out a spoon.
Bella's eyed widened.
"Watch me Bella... Watch as I bend this spoon with the power of my mind. I will concentrate on your cervix and bend this spoon to the exact curve to hit your G Spot in order to give you the most mind blowing orgasm you have ever had in your life" Uri continued rubbing the spoon as he stared at Bella's magnificently manky bush.
Bella gasped. My fish fry.
Uri began to arouse Bella with the spoon, slowly entering it into her hole. Beginning to thrust it in and out like he was poking an egg. Bella moaned. Uri poked. Bella moaned more. Uri poked her harder with his silver wear.
"MORE HARDER ALMOST THERE" Bella screamed.
"HOLY SHIT!" Uri Screamed.
"What is it?" Bella shot up.
"My fucking spoon is gone.... UP your hole.... LOST... FOREVER!" Uri began to sob.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! There must be something, you must have another spoon."
"No I don't that was my last one. Let me go check to see if there is anything else I can bend with the power of mind." Uri left his bed and looked around the skanky room.
He returned. With a baguette. A tuna Baguette.
"Really?.. What kind is it?" Bella quizzed. "Will it work? Actually I don't care anymore; I'm so close Uri just shove it in there!!!"
And so Uri did just that. Once again Uri thrust. Bella moaned. Uri thrust harder. Bella screamed.
"ALMOST FUCKING THERE!"
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT – YOU'RE LIKE A FUCKING CAVE DOWN THERE!" Uri screamed
Bella shot up.. "What now?"
"The baguette is gone also... I was hoping to have that for supper." Uri cried distraught at the loss of his spoon and tuna baguette. "Get out of here you thieving cunt!.. And when my belongings fall out of there I want them back! Not even the Powers of Mind can remove them from you there are so far up! And that was 12inch baguette!!" Uri sobbed.
Bella picked up her clothes baffled at the strange day she had had, feeling nothing other than that she was now some sort of shopping bag for household goods. She left Uri's B&B, saddened at still not receiving her fish fry, but now at least smelling like one. She worried what effects having a spoon and tuna baguette stuck up her hole would have on her.
Tomorrow is another day. Yes. I shall think about that tomorrow.
Bella walked all the way home. Just like John Wayne.
