I Can Stop the Bleeding
Kingdom Hearts and its character do not belong to me.
Neither does Breathe Me by Sia.
I ran into my house and slammed the door shut. My chest hurt. I could hardly breathe.
"Roxas?" I could hear my dad walking out of the kitchen. I heard him stop when he saw me.
Clutching my knees and choking out sobs.
He rushed over to me.
"Roxas? What happened?" He sounded panicky.
My mouth moved. No sound came out. I tried again.
I spoke. I'm not sure what I said.
I was deafened. Numb, but feeling so much pain.
"Roxas, everything's going to be okay. What happened?"
I guess I wasn't making much sense.
"Ax… Axel… fight… wi… with A-Axel."
It was close enough to the truth. And it would explain my next request.
"If… no when… he comes to the door… please don't let him in."
I could barely see Dad through my tears. He was just a blurry figure.
His voice sounded shaky. This was how I acted after Mom died.
"Roxas, I'm sure you'll work things out if you just talk to him…"
I was irritated that he didn't wanna listen.
"Dad please! I don't wanna see him!"
I didn't wait for an answer; I ran to my room and locked the door behind me.
I collapsed against my door and slid to the floor.
My tears wouldn't stop.
I heard a loud knocking coming from the front of the house. I held my breath.
I heard my Dad answer the door. I heard their voices.
If I hear his voice I'll break.
I plugged my Ipod into my computer and blasted the speakers. Breathe Me came on.
Help
I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today.
And
The worst part is there is no one else to blame.
Be my friend.
Hold me, wrap me up.
Unfold me.
I am small.
I'm needy.
Warm me up.
And breathe me.
Ouch
I have lost myself again.
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found.
Yea I think that I might break.
I've lost myself again and feel unsafe.
Be my friend.
Hold me, wrap me up.
Unfold me.
I am small.
I'm needy.
Warm me up.
And breathe me.
Be my friend.
Hold me, wrap me up.
Unfold me.
I am small.
I'm needy.
Warm me up.
And breathe me.
When the instrumental part kicked in I ran into my bathroom and reached for my razor.
Just as I was about to cut myself, I stopped.
Axel would be disappointed…
I shook my head.
I don't give a shit what Axel thinks!
I went to do it, but I hesitated.
Yes you do…
I dropped my razor and it clattered to the floor. I fell to my hand and knees.
I was crying so hard I thought I would start to hyperventilate.
I heard a knock at my door.
"Roxas? Axel just left. I told him to give you some time."
I didn't move. I didn't say anything.
Mom. Axel. Mom. Axel. Mom. Axel.
Thinking of either caused me so much pain.
Mom was gone. I needed her. Axel made me feel. I didn't wanna feel.
I wanted to be numb.
I ran into my room, fell onto my bad and started screaming into my pillow.
Either Dad couldn't hear me or he didn't think I would answer.
If that was the case he was right. I didn't wanna be bothered. By anyone.
My phone started ringing. I looked at it. Axel was calling. I pressed decline.
My phone vibrated. I turned it off.
I lay there listening to music till I drifted off to sleep.
I was frozen in shock, sitting on the ground watching Roxas' retreating figure.
I was scared as hell when he almost stepped into the busy traffic.
I thought he was just being desperate since he thought he saw his mom.
'I don't care! Let me die! I have to go to her! I have to see her! I don't care if I die!'
His words made me stop breathing. I grabbed for his arm.
'I'm not going to let you leave me Roxas!'
I'm not sure why I worded it that way. I meant to say I wasn't gonna let him die.
Instead I told him not to leave me.
What was I thinking?
I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I looked over. It was Sora.
He was teary eyed and a little shaky. He was holding Riku's hand tightly.
"A-aren't y-you gonna go a-after him A-axel?"
Something pulled at my memory.
Roxas is gonna cut himself. I have to stop him.
I got up and started running to Roxas' house.
When I got there I pounded on the door. His dad answered, looking awkward.
"Can I come in? I need to talk to Roxas."
His dad looked uncomfortable.
"He's not here Axel. He hasn't come home yet."
Where else would he go?
Music started blaring from Roxas' room.
"I thought you said he wasn't here?"
"Look Axel he told me not to let you in. I don't know what you two fought about, but you'll work it out. Just give him some time."
What?
I never considered Roxas not wanting to see me.
Why is he pushing me away?
I couldn't explain how urgent it was I talk to Roxas without revealing his secret.
What if he goes too far and kills himself?
I cringed at the thought of Roxas dying.
I don't wanna lose him.
"I think you should go Axel."
I numbly shook my head. His dad shut the door in my face.
I started walking home.
I tried calling Roxas. It rang and then went to voicemail.
I texted him. He never replied. He probably didn't even read it.
Why is he avoiding me? Did I do something wrong?
Of course I didn't. I saved his fucking life!
What's going on?
When I made it home, I went straight to my room.
I starting pacing, trying to think of why he was acting this way.
He told his dad we had a fight.
I punched my wall. My skin around my knuckles turned red.
"Fuck!"
I punched it again. The skin broke.
"Fuck!" Again and again.
My knuckles were bleeding.
"Axel? What's wrong sweetheart?"
My mom was on the other side of the door. She sounded scared.
"Leave me alone!"
I hadn't talked to Roxas since Saturday night.
I didn't hear from him all Sunday.
I called and texted. I even went to his house when his dad wasn't home. I considered breaking the door down.
Nothing.
Monday morning he texted me.
Stop it Axel. I wont b at skool 2day. B there 2morrow. Give me a few days. Ill come around.
I was tempted to text back. Demand an explanation. I didn't.
I would give him what he wanted. I would give him some time.
When I got to school I looked for him. He had told the truth.
He wasn't there.
I rushed to school on Tuesday. I had to see him.
He was there, but kept his distance.
He avoided me in class. Didn't sit with us at lunch. Even changed seats in art.
I waited for him at the school gates; hoping we could walk home together and talk.
He never showed.
Wednesday was much the same, except at lunch he sat with us and sat at his usual desk in art.
He wouldn't speak to me though. Not even to Sora or Riku.
He was like an empty shell.
How much longer do I have to endure this?
It was Thursday morning.
I was in sitting in my classroom waiting for class to start.
Someone walked up and stood in front of my desk.
I looked up and saw pools of blue and blonde hair.
Roxas.
He shifted his weight looking uncomfortable.
"Hey." His voice sounded hoarse like he wasn't used to using it.
He had dark circles under his eyes like he hadn't been sleeping.
My eyes flicked to his wrist, but since he had the usual wristband I couldn't tell if he had cut himself recently.
He had on jeans and a sweatshirt. He usually paid more attention to how he dressed.
This wasn't my Roxas. This was a different Roxas.
Did I really just think of him as mine? I meant as my best friend. Right?
"Hey Roxas. I mi—" I almost said I missed him.
Of all the things I wanna say to him, I start with I missed you? Somethings wrong with me.
I changed what I was gonna say.
"Are you okay? What happened?"
He shook his head.
"Not now. Go home with me after school? We can talk then."
It sounded like he wasn't sure if I was gonna say yes or not.
"Yea buddy sure. We always walk home together."
His eyes widened, and then sadness entered them.
He looked doubtful.
What is wrong with him?
After school I rushed outside. Roxas was already waiting for me.
We started walking. I wasn't sure what I should say so I said nothing.
I waited for him to break the silence. He never did.
We were getting close to my block and we still hadn't said anything.
I stopped on my block. He looked at me.
"Come to my house?"
He was giving me a choice. He sounded uncertain.
I tried to make things go back to normal.
I smiled at him.
"Sure thing Roxie."
He didn't react to me calling him Roxie. He just nodded his head and started walking again.
I couldn't do anything but follow him.
I was seriously worried at this point. I had never seen Roxas act like this.
When we came to his house, instead of going inside he walked around. He was heading for the backyard.
He dropped his book bag on the ground. I did the same.
He walked to the center of the yard. I followed.
He lay down on the grass. I sat down and stared at him. He stared right back.
I didn't push him to start talking. I waited patiently.
I felt the need to talk to him fade away. Sitting with him seemed to be enough.
Everything will be okay now.
"I'm sorry about the last few days." He looked very sad.
"It's fine Roxas. Can you tell me what was going on?" He sighed.
"It was all becoming too much for me." I wasn't sure what he meant.
"What do you mean?" He gave a dry chuckle.
"You fucked everything up Axel." I felt my eyes cloud with pain.
His face softened into the smile I was used to.
"In a good way." I gave a blank stare.
"I'm confused." He gave me a sympathetic look.
"When Mom died, I went numb. I liked being numb. I wanted to keep it that way. Then you came along. You were helping me through it. Things were tolerable. Everything seemed… easier."
I listened to his words trying to find sense in them. I couldn't. He continued.
"I wasn't numb anymore. You made me feel Axel. I thought I was gonna break on Saturday night. If I had been numb still I don't think it would've been as bad, but because I could feel it tore me open."
I wasn't sure how to respond to that. My eyes flicked to his wrist. I couldn't help myself.
I reached out and pulled his arm into my lap.
He tensed up but he didn't stop me. I took off the wristband.
The skin was littered with faint scars. All old. Nothing recent.
He didn't do it?
He seemed to know what I was thinking, instead of the other way around.
"I didn't… couldn't do it." His voice was quiet.
"Why?" I was relieved but confused.
He looked hesitant. He closed his eyes.
"I didn't wanna disappoint you." He sounded embarrassed.
He opened his eyes and glared at me, like he was daring me to make fun of him. I didn't.
Satisfied, I let go of his arm. He didn't move it from my lap.
We lapsed into silence. A comfortable one this time. Like we used to.
"Hey Axel, are we really best friends?" He sounded nervous.
"Of course we are. Why would you ask that?"
He looked hesitant again.
"Well cause you pretty much know everything about me, but I feel like I know nothing about you."
That caught me by surprise.
"What do you wanna know Roxas?"
He looked wary. He shut his eyes again.
"Who's Leon Axe?" He said it so quietly I almost didn't hear him.
My heart clenched in pain, like it always did when I thought of him.
He opened one eye to gauge my reaction. His face morphed into a frown.
"Can't you tell me Axel? Why won't you confide in me?"
I took a deep breath.
"It's not that I don't wanna confide in you Roxas, it just really hurts to talk about it."
He glared at me.
"Yea cause it's a walk through the park for me to talk about my problems to you."
I got angry. His gaze softened.
"I'm here Axel. Talk to me."
His words sunk in.
"He's my ex. He's a self centered, egotistical bastard that doesn't care about anybody. We dated for five months. I thought I loved him. The day after I slept with him, he broke up with me. It had been a bet. How long until he could get me to give it up to him. He printed out our e-mails and texts and threw them all over the school for everyone to see. The next day he was gone. He moved. I haven't seen him since."
I realized I had tears running down my cheeks. Roxas reached up to rub them away.
"I'm so sorry Axel." He said it without making me feel pitiful or pathetic.
"You deserve so much better than that Axel. You'll find someone who truly loves you."
I looked at Roxas with a shocked expression. I saw him in a whole new light.
I felt a warm feeling in my chest
Something dawned on me.
Am I in love with Roxas?
Wow, 3 in one day. I just couldn't stop writing. I had to get these last 3 chapters out.
Hope you guys enjoyed it.
Reviews please. :O)
