Breathe Me
I think that I might break. Lost myself again and I feel unsafe.
...
Amelia
Nicole's tumor has grown at a much faster rate than I anticipated. I thought she at least had another month before it got to this stage. I can't let this get any bigger or any closer to the hypothalamus. The surgery needs to happen now.
"I need Herman right now," I hear Arizona's voice but I am frozen, staring at the scan pictures. Am I prepared for this? "Glenda Castillo's baby is in distress and Glenda is severely hypertensive, showing signs of heart failure." She hasn't noticed the scans. She's too focused on Castillo. "We need to operate on her immediately. So, if you could finish up..." She's desperate. I can't bring myself to speak. Have I run every scenario through my head? Can I do this? "What are you doing? Why are you just standing there?" She asks, impatiently.
"Arizona," I bring her attention to the screen and she is silent.
"Oh, God," she breathes out. I glance at her and see pure, unadulterated shock and distress in her eyes.
"It's time," I say, quietly.
"Now?" She asks, with tear-filled eyes. She looks so vulnerable. I hold her gaze for a few moments before looking back at Herman lying on the bed in the CT room.
"I'm gonna go... get an OR ready," I say, trying to keep my voice steady in an attempt to soothe Arizona's panic. I know it's not working.
"Okay... okay," she nods, imitating my attempt at staying calm. "You ready f-for this?" She asks, shakily. I can't look at her. I can't lie to her face. But, at the same time I don't want to say, 'I don't know'. Arizona's about to be forced into her first solo fetal surgery. I don't want my uncertainty clouding her mind when she's in there.
"Mhm," I say, quietly, unable to face her.
"Amelia?" Her voice is deeper than usual; troubled. She's demanding my attention.
"I'll get an OR prepped," I say, changing the subject. I drag my eyes from Nicole to look at a terrified Arizona. "You'll inform the patient?" I ask, professionally. This is the only way I'm going to get through this. She nods her head as I walk past her.
In that moment, I know she'll never forgive me if I fuck this up.
...
Arizona
I charge into the CT room and rush to stand in front of Nicole who's getting up out of the bed.
"Oh... Robbins! Surgery's all finished?" She asks, referring to the operation I've just left Bailey in charge of.
"Yeah..." I spit out. And, then I can't say anything else. I just stare at my mentor. The woman who has beaten the hell out of me for the past four months in an attempt to make me a half-decent fetal surgeon. What do I say to her? How do I tell her she has to have this operation right now?
"Ah... I see," she sighs out, reading my facial expression. "Shepherd's prepping the OR?"
"Yes," I say, quietly.
"If I had to guess, I'd say the tumor's invaded the optic chiasm..." She looks to me for confirmation and I nod uneasily as two men wheel in her operation bed. "Ah... my chariot awaits," she jokes. "A little privacy guys?" She says as she picks up the hospital gown. "Did you, uh... need me for something?" She turns her attention back to me. I turn around so she can change from her scrubs into her gown and decide to try and get her to focus on Castillo. I explain the situation quickly. "Wow... looks like a big day for both of us!" She says, as I finish. I close my eyes trying to calm my nerves and my upset. She begins to tell me how I should begin the surgery.
"She has you," I interrupt her. "Amelia has you. This is the point where you trust her, okay?" And, I believe every word of it. Unfortunately, Nicole does not. I can tell in the way she continues to talk to me about Glenda Castillo. I stop her again. "This is the point where you trust her, okay?" I say, more pointedly this time. I'm met with silence.
"All set," she says, indicating that she's dressed and ready. I turn to face her and I feel sick to my stomach. Seeing her in the hospital gown has really made the situation seem real all of a sudden.
"Don't let Glenda's platelet count drop below-"
"Hundred, I know," I say, rapidly, trying to give her some confidence in my ability.
"Will you tie me?" She asks turning around.
"Yeah," I step closer to her and tie the string together. My bottom lip wobbles and it takes everything I have in me not to break down there and then. I compose myself and smile at her as she turns to face me. She lies down on her 'chariot' and I cover her over with a sheet, making sure it rests comfortably on her. I hear her sigh out once again. She's scared.
"Let's do this," she says, looking at me with uncertainty. I pull up one of the sides and look at her, wanting to say something profound or tell her how grateful I am for everything that she's done for me. But, I can't find the words. She looks back at me but is silent, too. Before I know it she's being wheeled away. I walk next to her bed. "Be sure, be fast," she starts giving me surgery advice again. She needs to take her mind off what's about to happen. "You don't have half the time you imagine. Try to oblate all the vessels. Don't wait too long. Don't be afraid to make that call. If she's awake, she'll tell you for the fifteenth time to save her child's life before hers. Listen to her. Let her say her piece, then you do what needs to be done."
"I don't think... I don't- I don't know... I don't know if I can do this," I admit. I am submerged in doubt. "I can't! I can't do this!"
"You can," she encourages me.
"Nicole!" I say, in desperation. I just want her to get off the hospital bed and come with me one last time.
"You will!" She says in such a way that I know she has placed all of her confidence in me.
Amelia
"Let's get you inside now, okay?" I say, gently. Arizona and I stand side-by-side as we watch her get wheeled into the OR. I grab the beautiful blonde's hand and she looks at me with panic-stricken eyes. "I'm going to do everything I can," I promise her.
"I know," she says, squeezing my hand before entering the OR herself. I go to wash up and watch their interaction though the window. Herman looks scared. I watch as she bats away the oxygen mask. Arizona stands over her, calming her. She has this innate ability with people; this calming influence even when there's a whirlwind happening inside her.
...
Minutes later and I completely freak out. I tell Webber I can't do it and ask him to get my brother on a plane back to Seattle to perform this operation instead of me. But, I'm ready now. I've had my moments of doubt and now I'm ready to save Herman's life.
Thank God Arizona wasn't here to witness my meltdown.
...
Arizona
"Robbins, he's not coming back," Alex says as he watches the monitor that's attached to Glenda's unborn baby. I carry on compressions, regardless. He's not a lost cause yet.
"Karev, shut your mouth," Bailey says, as she stares at the fetus in her hands.
"Okay, it's okay," I say, calmly, even though my heart is in my mouth. I have to save this baby.
"C'mon, baby. Oh, come on," Miranda begs. It feels like hours, but moments later the line on the monitor portraying the baby's pulse starts to draw mountains again. I breathe the biggest sigh and laugh in relief.
"You can let go now, Bailey. Time to put him back in."
...
Amelia
I got it. I got all of it. The entire tumor is gone from Nicole Herman's head. This is my biggest accomplishment to date... If it's successful that is. She hasn't woken up yet. She has to wake up. Otherwise, it'll all have been for nothing.
Arizona's been off the clock for hours, but she hasn't left the hospital. She's been sat in an armchair next to Herman's bed, simply waiting. As I turn the corner to check on them both before I leave for the night, I see Arizona curled up in that chair, eyes closed, and head tilted to the side. She's had one hell of a day.
I grab a blanket from one of the cupboards and drape it over her, wanting to make sure she'll wake up cosy. I tuck her hair behind her ear to avoid it tickling her face and she stirs. Icy blue eyes stare back at me, confused. It takes her a few seconds to realise where she is.
"Has there been any change?" She croaks, bringing herself to sit up, properly. I shake my head.
"Maybe you should go home... get some rest," I suggest. She sighs out and nods her head, but snuggles back under the blanket. "Where's Sofia?"
"She's with Meredith," she says, sleepily. She closes her eyes again.
"Arizona," I shake her a little. "I'm about to go home. Do you want me to drive you back?" I ask. "You're more than welcome to crash in the spare room."
"Uh, yeah... Please," she says, quietly. "I should be there when Sofia wakes up. I feel like I've barely seen her this week."
...
Arizona
I sneak into Zola's room and see Sofia sleeping soundly on the sofabed. I tuck her long dark locks behind her ear and kiss her forehead, before heading to the spare room. I take my prosthetic leg off and put Amelia's pyjamas on. I'm exhausted. Really exhausted. Climbing into the sheets, I know I'm not going to be able to sleep. I just keep thinking about what has to happen if Nicole doesn't wake up. A knock on the door draws me out of my thoughts. I lie on my side to face the door and say, "Come in."
"Can I get you anything?" Amelia asks, poking her head around the door. I shake my head and smile at her. She brings herself into the room, as though she's sensed my worry. "Big day, huh?" She says, sitting next to me on the bed.
"I can't believe you got all of it," I say, looking at her with admiration. "You did amazingly."
Amelia
"You did, too," I smile back at Arizona. "I guess you're a real fetal surgeon now," I joke. She smiles but her eyes start to shimmer as she chews her bottom lip. "Are you alright?" I ask, placing a hand on her arm. She nods and takes a deep breath.
"Over the past four months, that woman beat the hell out of me," she says, shakily. "Trying to shove every piece of knowledge and experience into my head and... she did. It's there. All of it," she smiles and looks to the ceiling. "She's in my head," comes out as a whisper. "But, I'm... I am not ready for my head to be the only place she exists."
Something takes over me, and I lose all inhibition. I lie next to Arizona and pull her into my arms, holding her close as she cries softly into my shirt.
