Chapter Nine – The Triangle
There was a light dusting of snow on the ground as Tonks practically danced her way off of the Knight Bus. The stars, normally dimmed by the lights of London, seemed to be shining brightly. Tonks didn't think she could be happier even if she won a million galleons and that Voldemort announced that all he wanted was to give peace a chance.
For Tonks was in love and ready to give Remus the chance to love her as well.
As she stepped into the hall, Tonks glanced at the grandfather clock. It was already ten o'clock at night. Carefully, she put down her small bag of presents from her family and then vanished her coat into the closet.
Finally, Tonks scrunched her nose, and changed her hair from dull brown to festive Christmas red spikes. She took a deep breath and walked into the parlor.
Sirius, Remus, Mrs. Weasley, Ginny and the twins were all sitting and talking happily in the parlor. Ginny was especially pleased to see Tonks; she jumped up and gave Tonks a hug.
'So how were the muggles?' asked Sirius with a grin.
Tonks smiled and shook her head. 'My aunt gave me an electric drill. Apparently, it's fashionable for young muggle women to be able to do home improvement.'
'Doesn't your aunt know you're a witch?' asked Remus interestedly.
'She does,' said Tonks, matter of factly. 'And I still got a bloody electric drill. Molly, I'll let Arthur have it. I'm sure he'll love it.'
'Thank you, dear,' said Molly in such a voice that Tonks knew that she wasn't entirely pleased with the idea of Arthur having a drill.
Tonks took a deep breath. It was now or never. 'You know, Remus,' said Tonks casually. 'I'd like to get a glass of water. Will you come to the kitchen with me?'
'Sure,' said Remus lightly. 'I could do with a cup of tea.'
Together, they stood up and headed towards the door. Tonks made the mistake of looking back at Sirius, who had a large grin on his face. Facing forward again, she followed Remus out of the room.
They walked in silence through the hallway and into the kitchen.
'Did you have a nice Christmas, Remus?' asked Tonks. They were standing side by side by the kitchen sink.
'It was very nice, Clumsy,' said Remus, with a smile. 'Sirius spent far too much money on my present, but I expected that.'
Tonks then decided to do some wandless magic. She concentrated on the sprig of mistletoe that was hanging in the corner and made it move so that it was hanging over Remus' head.
When it was set, Tonks looked up, causing Remus to do the same.
'Ah,' said Remus after a moment, seeing the mistletoe.
Tonks looked at the man she had fallen in love with. He was a werewolf, yes, but he was good and he was kind and she just knew if given the chance, he could love her.
She smiled a shy smile and placed her arms around his neck. A moment later, she pressed her lips softly against his own. The kiss was warm and inviting and she could taste the slightest hint of chocolate.
Finally, they broke apart. Tonks took his hands and whispered, 'Happy Christmas.'
Remus stared at the floor, which Tonks immediately took as not a good sign. She felt her heart start to beat a bit faster.
'I better back upstairs,' mumbled Remus, dropping Tonks' hands.
Tonks was not going to let this opportunity go.
'Remus, wait.'
He shook his head and took a step away from her.
'Please.'
Remus looked her in the eye then. Tonks managed to keep herself from gulping.
'I asked you down here, because I wanted to tell you something,' began Tonks. 'I wanted to tell you that sometime in the past few months, I've fallen in love with you.'
'Clumsy…' Remus trailed off.
'I'm not asking you to love me right now,' said Tonks, wanting to make sure he knew that. 'I'd just like you to give me a chance.'
Tonks tried to read his face, but she couldn't. She couldn't tell in the slightest what he was thinking. She just knew that after they kissed, he wanted to go upstairs.
'I can't be in a relationship right now, Clumsy,' said Remus, with a tone of finality. 'Especially with you.'
'What does that mean?' asked Tonks, sharper then she meant to.
'Think of everything that could go wrong. We have to work together in the Order,' said Remus, stronger now. 'And you've become a very good friend to me. I don't want to risk that.'
Tonks blinked a few times, holding back her tears. He didn't want her. She couldn't quite believe it; she was so sure that he was going to be pleased and that they'd be happy.
She needed to save face here, at any price. 'Good friends, then,' she said weakly.
'Best of friends, Clumsy,' said Remus with a smile.
'Right, then,' said Tonks, trying to put on a good show.
Remus gave her one last smile and left the kitchen. Tonks sat down at the kitchen table, not quite believing what had just happened. He just rejected her. She had laid out all her cards on the table. And he simply walked away from her giving the "let's just be friends," line.
Tonks wasn't sure how long she stayed at the table, simply staring ahead. Feeling like she was on automatic, Tonks walked up the stairs into the hallway. She was going to go back into the parlor, say good-bye and go back to her bed sit for a good cry.
As she was about to open the door, the Weasley twins tumbled out of the room. Tonks made the mistake of looking at Remus, who caught her eye. For a moment, Tonks simply looked at him, trying not to reveal how much pain he caused her.
But then the door closed.
Tonks took a step back, knowing she couldn't face him again tonight. The twins looked at her oddly.
'Are you all right, Tonks?' whispered Fred or George. In the darkened hall, she couldn't tell which was which.
Tonks nodded her head adamantly. She knew any minute now, the tears were going to flow. But not here, not in front of everyone.
Without thinking, Tonks took the stairs two at a time, nearly tripping several times. Tonks wouldn't cry. Not yet. Not until she was in the safety of the room she so often used when she stayed here.
Finally, she made it inside and closed the door behind her. Tonks flung herself on her bed and let the tears flow. She had been so sure that Remus would have been pleased. Instead, he spoke about friendship and not wanting to get involved.
There was a knock on the door.
'Tonksy?' she heard Sirius ask gently.
'Go away!' she yelled through the door. 'I want to be alone!'
The door opened. Tonks looked up, angered that he entered without permission. But then she saw the concern on his face and couldn't stay mad.
'I just saw Remus, and he looked…well, I don't know how he seemed, really. He just didn't seem himself, and I couldn't find you…and I thought you might like a shoulder to cry on,' said Sirius gently.
'I was so stupid,' cried Tonks. 'So stupid.'
Sirius entered the room and sat next to her. He placed his arm around her. 'What did the prat do?'
'He doesn't want me, Sirius,' bleated Tonks. 'I was so sure, so sure he'd love me.'
She felt him stroke her hair as Tonks buried her face in Sirius' shoulder. 'I let myself fall in love with him, Sirius. Why did I do it? Why?'
'I'll talk to him,' said Sirius.
Tonks looked up sharply. 'Don't you dare,' she said after she hiccupped. 'Don't you dare say anything at all.'
'I have to say something to him,' replied Sirius. 'You haven't heard how he talks about you.'
She wiped her eyes, trying to get control of herself again. 'We've agreed to be best of friends,' she said bitterly. 'If he won't love me, I want his friendship. That would be gone if you said anything.'
Tonks rested her head on Sirius' shoulder, thinking of how nice it was to be close to someone again. She hadn't been held like this in three years.
Closing her eyes, Tonks whispered, 'I just want someone to love me.' She had no idea where this desperate longing came from. In a way, it was good. She hadn't even tried to be in a relationship since her parent's death. The idea of losing someone else that she loved was too painful. But now, if Tonks wanted to be loved, perhaps she was truly on the way to being healed.
Softly, so softly, that Tonks didn't know if he meant her to hear it or not, Sirius whispered, 'I could love you, Tonksy.'
Tonks froze.
He couldn't have meant her to hear that. Sirius knew that she was in love with Remus, for Merlin's sake. Tonks made the decision to act like she hadn't heard him.
Slowly, she removed herself from his embrace. 'That's enough crying for tonight, I think,' said Tonks trying to sound bright.
Sirius looked at her, and she could tell he was trying to decide if she had heard him or not. And possibly make another decision that would harm them both.
She decided not to give him a chance. 'I think I'm going to go home, Sirius,' said Tonks quietly. 'I have to work early tomorrow.'
'You can stay here tonight, Tonksy,' said Sirius quickly.
'Nah,' said Tonks, trying to force a smile on her face. 'If I have to be alone, I'd rather be in my own bed.'
Tonks stood up and headed out of the room, giving Sirius a big smile before she walked out the door. Wanting to leave Headquarters, Tonks blindly rushed down the stairs, tripping on the last one.
She waited for the fall to come, but then found herself right in Remus' arms. She raked his face for something, anything to give her hope. There was nothing there.
'Thank you,' said Tonks as he stood her up straight. 'I'm…I'm going home. Could you tell everyone good-bye and Happy Christmas for me?'
Remus nodded slowly. Tonks took her wand out of her skirt pocket and her coat flew out of the closet. She struggled into her coat but Remus made no move to help her.
Sirius was walking down the stairs then. Tonks stood at the door, her hand lightly on the doorknob. She looked between the men. One she loved, one possibly loved her.
'Happy Christmas,' she said as she headed out the door. Tonks closed her eyes for a moment. Why did it feel like she was running away?
She scurried down the street as quickly as possible, her mind reeling. Was Sirius in love with her? Could that be possible? In pure blood families, no one would give any thought of a relationship between second cousins. But the only feelings she had towards Sirius were brotherly feelings.
Once she reached the corner, Tonks had to decide if she wanted to walk, apparate or take the Knight Bus. Realizing she would be risking her left pinky, she apparated at once and found herself outside her muggle apartment building.
Quickly, she glanced down at her hands and with a sigh of relief, saw that her pinky was still attached to her hand.
A few minutes later, Tonks let herself into her tiny bed sit. It was just one small room, but it was home. She thought of her parent's house, which Tonks technically still owned, but hadn't been there in over a year. The house she grew up in was large and comfortable, out in the suburbs of London. The Black family might have disowned Andromeda, but they still gave her a place to live. Appearances had to be kept up, after all.
As she changed, Tonks thought of the many possible meanings of Sirius' words. Perhaps he meant love in the family sense. Tonks easily could see herself loving Sirius like a brother. She probably already did.
Or he could be in love with her. But it didn't quite make sense. For almost a month now, Tonks had poured out her heart to Sirius and he had encouraged her. Actively encouraged her! Why would he do that if he loved her?
Finally, she curled up in her bed as she turned out the light. Tonks had to practically force herself to close her eyes. She didn't want to sleep tonight.
She knew who would haunt her dreams.
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A/N - Let the angst begin!
