I OWN NOTHING! I ONLY OWN GLEE IN MY DREAMS! I DO NOT OWN LOVELY BY SARA HAZE, BUT LET ME TELL YOU, I WISH THAT I DID!
I AM THINKING ABOUT MAKING THE NEXT CHAPTER REGIONALS, BUT AS ALWAYS, THAT IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE SEE AS I AM HORRIBLE AT PLANNING THESE SORT OF THINGS AND I OFTEN SUFFER FROM INTENSE HATRED OF WHAT I WRITE. BUT, ENOUGH OF THE RAMBLING. HERE IS CHAPTER NINE. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT, LET ME KNOW IF YOU DO!
Alexa looked herself over in the mirror. She swallowed the lump in her throat and pushed the curl falling in front of her eye behind her ear and huffed through nose. She fought the urge to rip off the pink skirt that she had spent far too much time trying to dig out of the depths of her closet. On her feet there was a pair of cutesy turquoise ballet flats. To top it all off, she had on a white tank top and a tan leather jacket.
Her hair was down in waves, showing off the new haircut Mallory had talked her into getting. Bangs. Gosh dang bangs. She wouldn't lie, she did like the new haircut, but she wasn't sure if it was really her.
There was a knock on her door and she called for whoever it was to open it. She glanced one last time in the mirror, shoving her hands in her pocket before turning to face the intruder. It was her mother, telling her it was time to go to school. There were muffins on the table if she was hungry, but she never was. Just another beautiful side effect of the medication that kept her from jumping off the roof of the school or driving the truck into the river.
"Take a muffin," her father instructed as she passed the kitchen table. He was sitting at the head of the table, buried in a pile of his own fruit filled pastries. "The doctors said you are dropping too low again."
"It's not my fault," she huffed, grabbing the muffin her father was holding in her direction. "They keep adjusting my meds. I'm not purposefully not eating, I'm just not hungry, ever."
Alexa looked at the muffin in her hand as she pushed the front door open, swinging her bag up on her shoulder. Finn was sitting in the driver's seat, the radio already blaring old Walk the Moon songs. She sat down in the passenger seat, yanking the door closed.
"Are you going to eat that?" Finn asked. "Or is that going to rot in your locker like the waffles from last week?"
"Shut up," Alexa hissed, staring at the food in her hand. She forced herself to take a bite of it, trying to fight the urge to vomit all over the dashboard.
"Good girl," Finn smiled, backing into the street. Other than radio blasting, the ride to school was silent. She hopped out of the car and closed the door, not bothering to say goodbye to her brother or call the usual 'see ya in glee club' in his direction. Stuck in her own head, she walked down the hallway to her locker and pulled it open without thinking much of it. She was so caught up in her head that she didn't notice that someone had walked behind the open locker door.
"Knock, knock," Matthew said, pounding playfully on the metal. Alexa jumped about a foot in the air, nearly smacking her friend in the face with her spastic hand motions.
"Easy there, girlie," Matthew smiled, leaning against the lockers. "I was just stopping to chat."
"Sorry," Alexa said. "I'm just having a rough morning, you know?"
"Need to talk about it?" Matthew offered. "I am quite an amazing listener if I do say so myself."
Alexa doubted that very much. Just speaking from experience, Matthew had great intentions and always knew how to cheer her up. But a good listener? That wasn't exactly the case. He was a great talker, no doubt, but when it came to listening he struggled to keep in his comments and ideas to himself.
"No, I'm good," she smiled, pulling a book out of her locker and shoving into her bag. "I have to get to class, I'll see you in the choir room? Maybe we can get a bite to eat afterward."
"Sounds good," Matthew said. "But I get to pick the restaurant. I ain't eating at no more hole in the wall dumps that serve the same cold slop everyday as their specials."
"No Breadstix either," Alexa called over her shoulder. "I can't keep eating the same pasta, I think I might blow up."
"You have no sense of loyalty."
"You have no sense of adventure."
With that, Alexa disappeared into the crowd of her peers. She was such an outstanding person, unable to blend in. But when she wanted to, she could go unnoticed without so much of an effort.
Alexa walked into the choir room and sat down in the corner, even though she was the first to enter the room. She watched her classmates file in, one at a time. They all sat in various spots, most not even bothering to acknowledge her existence. Chris plopped down next to her, draping an arm around the back of her chair. She squirmed a little, feeling more than a little bit suffocated by his proximity.
"Uncle Sam," Alexa called, her hand rising timidly in the air. "Can I please show something that I've been working on?"
"The floor is all yours," Sam said, stepping from the middle of the floor and dropping into a chair amongst his students.
Alexa sat down at the piano bench, adjusting her skirt so she didn't flash anyone the pink penguin underwear she had on. Her fingers began dancing across the keys, the fluidity of her motions appearing breathtakingly effortless.
"I don't wanna be her," Alexa started. "I just want to be little old me. Shouldn't have to think who am I supposed to be today. And what gave you the right to tell me who I should be? Who gave you that right?"
"Cause I, I feel lovely," she sang, her body moving with music. "Just the way that I am. Yes, I feel lovely, the way that I am."
"I know you want the best," Alexa belted out. "Yeah, only good things for me, but you have to realize I can't be all these things you project on me cause I'm beautiful to me. Doesn't that mean a thing, I feel lovely just the way that I am. Yes, I feel lovely the way that I am."
"I need that to be enough for you, need that to be enough for you, cause it's enough for me. It's enough for me," she sounded a little bit like she was crying at this point. Her body shaking even with the tears that were certain to be spilling.
"Am I supposed to give up everything I am just to make you happy," Alexa belted out. "I thought I was the one you always wanted me to be. It turns out I'm just little old me, I'm just little old me and that's fine by me. Cause I, I am lovely just the way that I am. Oh, yes I am, yes I am lovely. The way that I am."
"I am lovely, lovely," she finished. "I am lovely."
She stepped away from the piano, wiping away the tears that were on her cheeks. Alexa stood facing the expectant audience that just stared at her. She clasped her hands behind her back, waiting for the applause to settle down.
"Alexa," Sam said. "Why did you pick that particular song?"
"Well," she began. "I have a bit of a confession to make. This isn't me. This cute skirt and the bright colored shoes, these aren't me. But the leather and dark makeup isn't me either. I don't know who I am. My identity was stolen from me and I'm still trying to figure out where I go from there. I guess what I am trying to say is that you all expect me to be someone. You expect me to be a certain thing and I can't be what you want me to be. I'm never going to be the old Alexa, but the girl that I was prancing around as for a year wasn't me either. She was just the side effect of my circumstances. Who I am is somewhere in between. I just haven't found the balance yet. I was raped, that's why I tried to kill myself. That night sent me into a downward spiral that would inevitably end in my destruction. It was my point of no return. I lied to you guys and I'm sorry, but please, quit expecting things from me."
Everyone stared at her and before anyone could move a muscle she was sprinting out of the room, her footsteps echoing down the hallway as she disappeared.
Only minutes later, Chris found her leaned up against her brother's truck with a box of cheap lights in her hand. He watched slightly dumbfounded as she put a cigarette between her lips and
dug the lighter out of her pocket. The little flame illuminated her face as she lit the cigarette clenched between her teeth. Inhaling deeply, she pocketed the lighter and held the cigarette in between her two perfectly polished fingers. Lucy placed it back in its home as her ruby red lips wrapped around it. Through a little 'o' she blew a puff of smoke into the night air.
Chris felt strange standing there watching her with his hands dug deep in his pocket. "You really should quit," he said, sidling up next to her. Alexa didn't seem like the type of girl who would smoke, but this was the second time he'd seen her with a lit cigarette in her mouth. "That shit will kill you."
"So I've heard," she said, exhaling a puff of smoke.
"Are you okay?" Chris asked.
"What do you think?" Alexa asked, dropping the half-finished cigarette into the dirt and stomping on it. "Do I look okay?"
"I think you look okay, but I don't think you're okay," Chris said, looking down at her.
"I'm fine," she lied.
"Alexa, have you ever considered therapy?" Chris offered.
"I'm in therapy and I'm on all kinds of psychiatric drugs," Alexa huffed, digging her hands into the pocket of her jacket. She was just now realizing how much it was cooling off. Winter was approaching. "I'm just not good yet, you know. I'm trying really hard, but I'm not there yet."
"You'll get there," Chris said, putting an arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his side. Underneath the smell of smoke and tobacco, he could still pick up the strong scent of her shampoo and vanilla perfume. The way she smelled, god that was hypnotizing.
Alexa relaxed into his body, feeling the tension in her muscles release the pressure she hadn't known she was holding. She had forgotten how easy it was to just be with him. He didn't expect anything from her. Chris only asked that she exist and that in and of itself, was enough for him.
"I'll get there," she smiled up at him. She leaned her head against his chest and they stood there for a while, neither bothering to break the silence and say something. But inevitably, a word would have to be uttered.
"Matthew and I are gonna go get a bite to eat," Alexa said. "Wanna come with? You can come over afterward, we can watch some movies or something."
"Sounds like fun," Chris said, pulling away from Alexa and righting his body. "Come on, let's get back to the choir room before they send out a search party."
"We wouldn't want that," Alexa giggled, following Chris through the parking lot and in the hallway. They found their seats in the back of the choir room, nobody paying much attention to their return.
