FADE: Pronunciation: feid Verb.1)Gradually grow faint or disappear. Example: Seeing a man cry like that, I could not control myself and my partner faded away behind the fall of my own tears.

CHAPTER NINE

I imagine that Esme believed we would have had a nice civilized meal at a proper restaurant in the hotel that afternoon. However, since my face was filled bodily fluids, we instead retreated to my suite. I left the useless golf clubs by the door in a heap and dragged myself off toward the bathroom to look for my dignity.

I could hear the girls marvel over the room while I tried to wash away the black lines that had marred my face. Waterproof mascara my ass! I threw on a sweater and a comfy pair of jeans before returning to my guests. When I arrived back in the living area, Alice was on the phone while Rosalie dictated to her a list of choices from off the room service menu.

"Make sure they leave off the mayo from my sandwich." Rosalie ordered. "Tell them to send the tea up immediately."

Esme was playing around with the fireplace, trying to light it up, so I took a seat on the big chair, quietly, hoping to not alert anyone with my presence.

"Bella, what do you want for lunch?" Alice asked, loudly, over Rosalie's never ending demanding list.

I shrugged. "I don't care. I'm not very hungry."

"Why don't you order a nice hot cup of soup?" Esme suggested. "With this beautiful scenery, a cup of soup might do just nice."

I sighed and looked to Alice. "Cup of soup it is."

Alice finished up ordering and, with the fire Esme had made, we all settled down and watched as the snow began to fall. Admittedly, I was happy to not be out there right now, freezing my tatas off. However, I was still one step further behind from completing my bio dad's list and that was upsetting. I had to focus on that list. If I thought about anything else, it would be Edward, and then I might become a recluse.

With the moment of silence, I could tell everyone was waiting for me to say something, giving me time to start.

"I'm sorry, Esme." I whispered. "I know how much you and Carlisle wanted….Edward and I to work. I'm sorry I got your hopes up."

She was already shaking her head and looking at me with her compassionate eyes.

"No, dear. You have nothing to be sorry for. Edward and you…maybe it just wasn't the right time. I'm sure all will work out in the end."

I shook my head in disbelief and embarrassingly scoffed at her words.

"Work out? Nothing ever works out. You have hopes for something and everything goes good for a little while and in the end…everything ends." I waved my hand at Alice, "Even you…even you and Jasper, eventually if you both are still together, one of you will die and your relationship will end."

"Wow! Thanks a lot little miss pessimist." Alice huffed. "You're the one who ended it with Edward, need I remind you."

"Yeah, I ended it because we weren't working, and I love him enough to realize that he could find someone better and be happy with that person much more then I could ever make him happy." I snapped.

"You know that's completely retarded, right? Edward will never find someone who will make him one hundred percent happy, one hundred percent of the time. People have flaws, Bella. If you love someone, then you learn to live with their flaws." She snapped back.

"You still love Edward." Rosalie stated.

"What?" I huffed, frustrated at the first words out of Rosalie's mouth.

"You said that you love him enough…not that you loved him enough. You still love him." She clarified.

"Well…of course I still love him. I will always love him." I replied, irritated. "But…that doesn't matter."

"It's…the only thing that matters." Esme replied. "Love is the only thing that matters."

Back to silence we went. I didn't have a snappy comeback for that. This was something I needed to think about before replying.

"I wish it was." It was the only thing I could think of replying. There was a knock at the door, indicating our tea had arrived, and Esme went to answer it. A tea cart was pushed inside with the beginnings of our brunch. The silence continued to linger while the server set up our lunch. I looked around at my friends…er…guests and sighed. I knew I hadn't handled this well. Here they were trying to cheer me up and give me advice and I was too far gone to hear any of it.

"I'm sorry." I apologized right after the door closed behind our room service attendant. "I know that we should be here in Scotland and be happy and having a good ole time all together. The boys would be here and this was supposed to be a great vacation and, instead, all my drama has made it not so. I do appreciate you and what you're trying to do, but this situation just can't be fixed right now. I'm sorry for breaking Edward's heart. He's a good man and you should be very proud of him. You raised a good man and he was lucky to have you for a mother."

"This isn't goodbye." Alice replied. "You're giving us that speech…the curtains going down and there's your final bow. Just because you and Edward aren't together doesn't mean we can't be together. No more lame ass speeches!"

"That's right. We're going to be here…we're going to see you finish this list and cheer you on because that is what friends do." Rosalie added.

"And I will be here too. Giving you advice and lending an ear whenever you need it." Esme assured.

"I don't deserve…" I started.

"Of course you don't deserve us!" Alice interrupted. "But you got us anyway. Who cares if you weren't able to golf here today and cross it off your list? I'm sure there must be something else we can cross off that list of yours."

I cringed and folded myself into the chair, "Actually, I plan on crossing off number one tonight."

"Great!" Alice cheered.

"What's number one?" Rosalie asked, amidst all of Alice's cheering.

"The one thing I never told Edward." I sighed. "I was afraid of how he would react so I never told him what the first thing on the list was but, now that we're not together, I should feel free to do it, but I still feel…kind of wrong."

All three leaned in closer to hear the next words from my mouth.

"I…I have a date with this guy I met downstairs tonight. I just want to not think about it, do it, and get this over with." I quickly added.

"What exactly is the number one thing on the list?" Rosalie asked with trepidation.

They all looked rather worried and it made me think that somehow they misunderstood me.

"To go on a blind date." I stated.

Alice and Rosalie gave a sigh of relief.

"What the hell did you think I meant?"

Alice and Rosalie looked at each other for a long second and then simultaneously said, "One night stand."

"Ewww!" I gasped. "My bio father created this list; I don't want to think of him like that."

"If your bio dad was as cautious of a man as you said he was…one night stand could potentially top the list." Rosalie replied.

"Get your minds out of the gutter." Esme scolded them. "Completely inappropriate to think…such things."

Alice and Rosalie gave her a knowing look, and I tried to dismiss the idea that her mind ran in the same gutter as my friends.

"Wait a minute! Blind date? You already met the guy, how can the date be a blind date if you met the guy?" Alice asked.

"I didn't know him until I met him downstairs at the golf shop. I hardly know anything about him."

Alice rolled her eyes and huffed frustrated. "A blind date is characterized by meeting a person for the first time at the time of the date. Not meet a fellow traveler and ask him out for the next night. Duh!"

"She's right." Rosalie concurred. "For it to be a true blind date…we should set you up with a potential and then you go and meet the person at a designated location and have no choice but to deal with whatever we send your way. Mostly, you should be somewhat traumatized by the end of the night for it to qualify as a blind date."

"I'm not going out with guy after guy. The only reason I agreed to go out with Colin was to cross this damn one off my list. It's a blind date! I don't know this person at all and I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunity for trauma, thank you very much!"

Little did I know that the date would be traumatizing, but more for Colin then for me.

Poor Colin.

"Well, where is this fancy smancy date? Where could this man possibly be taking you to on one of the biggest nights of the year?" Alice asked indignantly.

"Some pub down the street…Kings and Cross or something." I replied, ignoring her tone.

"A pub." Rosalie cringed. "Why doesn't he just take you to a trash bin in an alley."

"Yeah, first date and he's taking you to some crowded greasy pub?" Alice added.

"Ladies." Esme started.

"Who cares? Honestly, who cares?" I snapped, "It could be a pub, a prison cell, or a flight course with a kamikaze instructor. In the end, it's not like I plan on having kids with the dude and telling them all about our first date."

"But, it's New Years. Don't you want something a little special?" Alice asked in the smallest saddest voice.

All three of them gave me a stare of pity and I wanted to jump all over them for it but, instead, I just shrugged it off.

"It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it's the first day of the year or tenth. There's nothing special about tonight."

We had our uncomfortable lunch, but the ladies didn't try any further to talk me out of going tonight. I thanked them and politely shoo'd them out the door so I could rest before the big night. It was New Year's Eve and sure it looked like this year I wouldn't have that kiss at midnight, but I still wanted to be rested up for the events. I settled down in my big cushy bed, already exhausted from the day, and was whisked off to dreamland.

My sleep was not peaceful. I had nightmares. Lots and lots of nightmares. My bio dad mad at me for not completing this simple task, even though I tried to explain that the course was closed, he wouldn't hear of it. Then, he morphed into Edward and Edward was thanking me for breaking up with him, because I allowed him to go off and find this cute nineteen year old fitness instructor who could contort her body in ways I never could have. Behind them were Carlisle and Esme, who were disappointed in me for allowing their son to marry an airhead.

I was most disheveled when I woke up, to say the least. I practically choked on a mouthful of drool, and my eyes were buried in crusties that came from the tears I must have shed in my sleep and my body ached for reasons I do not know. I gracefully fell out of bed and trudged off toward the bathroom to begin my regime to turn me back into a human. I had a feeling it might take me longer than normal.

At half past eight, I was down in the lobby waiting for a taxi to take me to my destination. I could see everyone dressed to the nines, all excited for the prospects that a new year could bring. My new year last year brought me greatness but, in the end, it has left me with a hole. I guess the idea that next year could potentially be better than the last could give me hope. Not a lot of hope, but just enough as I set off toward Colin. Number one.

I bumped along on the cobblestone street in the back of the cab and checked my makeup one last time before departing with the fare to my driver. I could tell that this part of town was already getting rowdy for the coming events as I tried to make my way into the sweaty crowded pub. The music was loud and I was jostled around a bit before I could make it to the bar. I looked around for my date and watched as every single person in the place was excited for the countdown to come.

I began to pull off my long black coat, now feeling the temperature rising. I was feeling irritated that I was on time and yet my date was nowhere to be found. Just as I went to try and flag down the bartender to order a drink, I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder.

"You made it!" He yelled over the loud music.

I furrowed my brow, wondering what he meant by that statement. "Uh…why wouldn't I make it?"

"Didn't know if you would have found something better to do tonight then to hang out with an odd squibby fellow like myself?" He replied with a goofy grin.

"Oh…well no. Uh…lucky you." I began to turn back to the bartender and, once again, he gently patted my shoulder.

"I already have a table all reserved." He pointed toward the corner.

"OH! Great!" I replied, feeling that the night was looking up. In these shoes, it would be nice to not have to stand the whole night. "Lead the way."

He reached down and took my hand and, for a second, it made me jump. I wasn't used to foreign people touching me. It made me nervous. My god, how far you have come, Isabella Swan. Foreign people touching you was what you were always used to before...

I tried to stop over analyzing the downward spiral of my life before we reached the table. I didn't need to ruin this poor guy's New Year when he had already gone to such lengths as to securing a table in a popular pub on one of the biggest nights.

"How early did you get here to find this table?" I yelled over at him.

"Not too early. My mate owns the bar. Besides, it's not like the World Cup."

I didn't understand what he was talking about so I quickly just smiled and nodded. I once watched the Harry Potter series on television and they had something about a World Cup in there, I wondered if it was like the same thing.

"So…Isabella. Have you had the opportunity to visit here before?"

Overall, we managed a fairly polite conversation when I could understand what he was saying. The thick accent really did throw me for a loop. But he treated me kindly and paid for all the drinks. If I wasn't so fucked up, I could totally see myself pushing this further.

"Did you want to dance a bit before the New Year?" He asked.

"WHAT?" I shouted back, only hearing every other word.

"DID YOU WANT…." And then he was cut off.

"Edward!" I exclaimed.

My ex had quite literally pulled up a chair and sat down right between us. Colin looked over at me, a tad confused.

"Do you mind?" He asked.

"What are you doing here?" I scolded him.

"I'm saving you! I was at the bar and saw this guy trying to make a move. You're welcome." He turned to Colin and told him, "You can move on. She's taken!"

I marveled at Edward in horror as I watched Colin's face contort into confusion. Colin looked over to me as I stuttered to make out words.

"What the hell are you doing?" I snapped at Edward. "He isn't hitting on me. We're on a date."

Edward clutched his chest like he was wounded and pulled back. "You're dating? But…what about us? What about our future? What about the kids?"

"KIDS?" Colin yelled over the music.

"Wha? Uh…"

"You're a mother?" He asked.

"With one on the way, and here you are dumping alcohol down her throat. You should be ashamed of yourself." Edward added, trying to place a hand on my stomach. And that was it for me. I stood up quickly from the table and grabbed Edward under the arm, trying to pull him away from the table, but with his weight being much more than mine, I couldn't make it far.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" I screamed. "How dare you ruin this for me? We broke up! There is no us! There is no future and there certainly are no kids! Why would you lie like that?"

"We haven't even been apart for more than a week and you're already dating the first loser you find? I refuse to let you go back to the old Bella, because I know you weren't happy sleeping around with random men at various hotels."

"Oh for fucks sake, Edward! I wasn't going to sleep with him. Hell, I didn't even want to date him. I was just using him to cross off the first thing off the list." I screamed. "Besides, who I do or who I date is none of your business. If I want to fuck Colin, you can't stop me."

"I will stop you!" He shouted, advancing on me, and I nearly tripped on the chair to find my back fall against the wall. "I will be there every single time you go on a date. I will be at every club you attend, near every man you talk to, and I will ruin it for you because I'm not going to give up on us. I refuse to be one more thing you throw away because you're too scared. I am going to fight for you. So take a break, if you must, from me but I am always going to be there waiting."

His intensity frightened me. I had never seen him this upset before. I had never seen him angry like this ever. But, it was uncalled for, and even though a part of me loved that he cared, that he still loved me, he had no right to treat me so. It would be easy to stay and continue this screaming match in that crowded pub on the eve of the New Year, but this situation was for me to control.

"I'm not yours, Edward. Not anymore." I stated, quiet and determined.

I looked over to Colin who had stood up and watched the whole interaction and went to apologize.

"I'm sorry about that. How about we continue this somewhere else." I began to say.

Colin looked over to Edward and then back to me.

"My house isn't far from here, if you would prefer something quieter."

I completely understood the underlying implication and I didn't want to be the girl that slept around anymore, but I wasn't going to stay here with Edward doing lord knows what to get in between us. I took a step towards Colin and I felt Edward grab my wrist.

"Don't do this, Bella." He pleaded. "Please don't do this."

I paused and looked into his sad and desperate eyes and sighed. "Happy New Year, Edward. I hope you get everything you deserve next year."

I took another step away from Edward and shook off his had from my wrist, but I didn't make it any more steps after that. The wind was practically knocked out of me in surprise as I felt my whole body go up in the air. Immediately, I began to pound with my fists on Edward's back as he pulled me from the pub. I screamed every profanity I could think of as Edward bounced me around, not giving me even an inch to get out of his grip.

"EDWARD CULLEN! I WILL CASTRATE YOU FOR THIS!"

"Without you, there wouldn't be much use for it anyway." He snapped back.

"LET ME GO!"

My screams echoed down the street as the snow fell all around us. I could hear the crunching of the snow as he continued marching to where, I did not know.

"Where are you taking me?"

"My car! We're going home."

"Home? I don't live with you. Take me back to the hotel if you must, but let me go, Edward." I demanded.

We arrived at the car and I could still see people filling the pub we had just left. There was no sign of Colin and I was calculating on whether this actually qualified for a blind date, seeing how it didn't last more than a half hour. Slowly, Edward slid me down and back onto my feet. He opened the car door and looked determined as he held the door open. I was freezing and, knowing his jackass self, I wouldn't be able to stop him from tackling me into the car, but never was I more upset then now.

My breaths were labored from the cold and my skin was on fire from the anger.

"I can't believe you did this. I will never forgive you for this. I will not reconsider us. How dare you, Edward. How dare you." I slid into the car and folded my arms over my chest as I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I heard the car door close and the sound of his boots once more crunching on the snow as he made his way to the driver's seat.

He didn't say one word to me as he drove. I looked around and noticed it wasn't the path back to my hotel. I tried to keep myself from crying, but I could feel the tears as they silently made their way down my face. The lack of respect Edward had shown me at the pub had made me realize that breaking up with him was for the best. I can't believe his actions. What the hell was he thinking?

Like he read my mind, he answered as we slowly pulled up to a mansion out in the middle of snowy fields.

"I know what I did was wrong. But I can't lose you, Bella. I love you. I will never stop loving you. I will never stop fighting for you. Even though you may hate me for what I did tonight. I did what I thought was right. I can't lose you. I can't lose you." He desperately implored.

I looked at him and wanted him to see the tears he caused. He reached out to brush them away with his finger, and I pulled back before he could make contact.

"I loved you…but you just lost me."

I shook my head slowly and opened the car door to head toward what I imagined was the Cullen's Scotland estate. This whole trip was a disaster and nothing was accomplished. It would have been better if I had never come to Scotland at all. A part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, Edward and I could get back together someday but, now, after this trip, I no longer saw that for our future.


AN:

Thank you soo much for reading and reviewing! I know its been awhile with the updating so thank you for being patient. I am hoping to post the next chapter of Loathing You this week before I leave on vacation for those of you following that story. Thank you!

Thank you to my wonderful beta, Robstenvampgirl! For her continued hard work on this story.

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. Story is mine.