09:
Don't take it too hard, my friend
I was always good at pretending I didn't care about what people said about me or to me. Truth be told, I didn't care most of the time. An opinion is just that – an opinion. But hearing someone you actually give a damn about say you're nothing to him, that turns your emotions off.
I wasn't supposed to hear it. Isn't there a saying about eavesdropping? Don't do it or you'll hear some fucked up shit – or something along those lines.
It was the night I came back to the camp with Merle. Everyone was excited I was back and healthy. I was only gone two hours at most.
I realized I meant more to the group than I thought, but I didn't mean enough to the one person I wanted.
"Don't ever run off again."
Lori said hugging me.
I just smiled and nodded, hugging her back.
I didn't stay around to hear about the trip or the cheers coming from the kids when Merle showed them the bits of chocolate he found. I wanted to be alone. There was too much to think about.
"Where are you going?"
Daryl asked stepping in front of me.
"None of your concern. I'm not your responsibility anymore."
I said pushing him out of my way.
"Kaydence, get back here!"
He yelled after me. I didn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I was over whatever crush I was having on him.
I was like one of those walking things trying to kill us all the time. I just kept walking in the direction of the forest. I knew it was dangerous but I wanted a bit of danger.
I almost laughed to myself. I usually run away from danger and into the arms of whoever decides to save me that day. But today – today is different. I've come to realize a few things. One, this is the end of the world. Two, it's kill or be killed. And three, sometimes the living is worse than the dead.
That last part is specifically directed at the younger Dixon. I never thought I was hate anything more than I hate this stupid virus. Guess we're all wrong sometimes.
I walked past the tents, past the truck, past the first couple of trees and straight into the darkness. I let it become me. I was part of this horror, no matter if I wanted to be – I was living this horror we call life and it was so fucking unfair. I watched myself carefully. I wasn't ready to die; this wasn't a suicide mission. I just wanted time away from the idiots back at the camp.
I sighed. Idiot was a harsh word. Not everyone was an idiot. I liked most of them. Lori, Andrea, Amy, Dale, Carol, hell Rick wasn't that bad – but I didn't want to look at Daryl now – or Shane honestly. I wanted to have time to think alone. There is so much influence back there. Everyone works together and is a family but I'm just not sure that's what I want right now.
I stopped beside the tree I had once hid behind. I saw the clearing where the decayed woman almost took me over. It was weeks ago yet it felt like just yesterday to me now. I'd be one of the walking dead if it weren't for Daryl…
It was also his fault I was out here, thought. He's no savior. He's just a fucked up redneck. I may be fucked up too but I'm not afraid of people – not like he is.
I heard rustling leaves, quickened footsteps, and the smell of death coming closer. I knew there was one of those things near. It wasn't close enough to worry me yet. I sat on the ground and leaned against the tree. The moon was full, the sky was clear. It was a night Cassie would have loved. We would have camped out in the backyard. She would have talked about boys all night, watched the moon, and complained about mom and dad. It was what I missed most about her. She had no cares, no worries. She just saw what was right in front of her. I envied that about her.
I worried about my shitty job, what trouble Merle was in, but mostly if mom was still seeing our pervert neighbor.
I closed my eyes and fought back tears.
What was left for me anymore?
Merle is doing fine with this group, surprisingly. My family is gone. My friends are all dead. My home, my town, even the grotesque bar I worked at was gone. Everything was just a memory now.
I kept my eyes closed, relying mostly on my hearing in case there was a corpse near. I needed ten minutes to mourn.
Those ten minutes were interrupted by something more horrible.
Screaming.
Gunshots.
Yelling.
Crying.
I got to my feet and ran back to camp, dodging tree and tripping over my own feet. The scene I was entering was horrific. It was almost heart stopping.
There were "walkers", as Rick called them, everywhere. Everyone was running in opposite directions. It was like a fox in the henhouse. I scanned the area for any sign of safety. It was just chaos. Amy was on the ground. Lori, Rick, and Carl were retreating to the wooded area beside the RV. Merle was on top of the RV shooting. Andrea was over top of Amy. Carol and her daughter, Sofia, were cowering near Dale and Glenn. No sign of Daryl. So many people were bit and lying on the ground. It was like stepping onto a battlefield. It was us against them.
My instincts kicked in and I felt fear again. My tuff talk was just that – talk. I was truly afraid.
"Kaydence!"
Merle yelled from the top of the RV.
"Get somewhere safe and wait for me!"
He yelled shooting the walker behind me. I hadn't even noticed him creeping up on me. I was frozen. I didn't know where to go or what to do.
"Move your ass, Kay!"
Merle yelled again.
I just took in the scene. The undead were feeding on us. We were not the winning team here. I saw them eating a woman from Shane's group. I hadn't even learned her name. She was screaming as the decaying man stuck his hand through the wound he had made on her stomach. He pulled out handfuls of her intestines and shoved them at his face.
The smell of death was overwhelming as more of the undead came to pick at the fresh kill. They were ripping her apart piece by piece, shoving their faces in her open stomach and gorging on her insides. I was disgusted. It was too much. I turned and vomited. Honestly, it was just dry heaving since I hadn't had anything to eat for nearly two days. After seeing this, I didn't ever want to eat again.
"Kaydence! Move your ass now!"
Merle yelled again shooting in my direction.
Again, I ignored Merle.
The scene was too terrifying to look away from. I couldn't move. I was planted in that spot, watching these things eat us. I saw one coming toward me. His face was covered in blood and bits of flesh. His skin looked like dried up bits of paper that was falling off his body. He was grey now. He had no definable skin color other than grey. His jaw was decayed and partially missing, but he was still managing to snap his teeth at me.
Run.
Run.
Run.
Run.
I screamed at myself but I couldn't move.
It was like the scene was moving in slow motion now. The corpse was in front of me, his hands reaching for my neck, his teeth snapping at my face. Merle was screaming for someone to take the damn thing out before it kills me. Rick shouted back but I didn't make out what he was saying. The snapping was too loud now. I could smell the blood and death on him. It was nauseating. My head was spinning, threating my consciousness. He had his hands on me, his face inches from my skin. This was it. This is where it would end for me. I wanted to push him off me. I wanted to fight but my stubborn choice to refuse food had caught up to me. I was weak. I was scared. I was pathetic. Adrenaline alone wasn't going to be enough to save me. I needed a miracle.
I closed my eyes and waited. I may have accepted my fate, but I wasn't going to watch it happen. I waited and waited for the pain to start but it didn't. I opened my eyes, almost expecting to be dead already. The corpse was lying lifeless in front of me, Daryl standing over it kicking its face in. The corpse was already brittle, his face crushed under Daryl's weight. The snapping of bones and smell of decayed skin threatened my consciousness again.
Daryl stopped stomping on the mangled, disfigured shell of a human and stared at me. He looked angry but that was how he always looked. He was dirty and bloody but I had never been more thankful to see him.
He walked over to me, standing inches from me.
"Daryl…"
I started.
"You stupid fucking girl."
He said pulling me against him.
"You're so stupid, you know that? You're a goddamn idiot."
He repeated over and over again. His voice was a mix of pure anger and fear.
I couldn't manage any words. I just wrapped my arms around him and hugged him, burying my face in his chest.
