Author Note: This chapter contains the Night Before Ilos scene. I have tried to avoid rewriting scenes from the game before this point. But it is to important of a scene to leave out. As far as smut goes it is pretty mild, but just a warning it's there.
November 14, 2183
SSV Normandy - On Route to Ilos
ETA - 14 Hours
Stupid, stupid, stupid, Shepard kept repeating to herself. How the hell could she be so damn stupid? She had almost kissed Kaidan, her lieutenant, her second, her subordinate. There was something between them; there was no doubt about that. She had planned to wait and pursue a relationship with him once the mission was over. Hopefully, he would be assigned to a different commanding officer. Then there would be little to no backlash against them being together.
Yet somehow she had found herself in his arms inches away from a kiss before Joker interrupted. She had no doubt that the pilot had been listening in. For the first time she was grateful for his nosiness. He had kept her from losing her head and breaking protocol.
It had been over six years since she had been in a physical relationship and her body was keen on reminding her of that fact. She ached with need and she cursed herself. This was the first time in years she reacted this way to anyone. Her body suddenly recalled the feeling of tangled sheets and limbs, of sweat and lips, and…
"Stop it!" she said out loud to herself. Plopping down on her bed she stared at the dull grey metal of the ceiling, "Goddamn it, I need to get laid."
Kaidan had been staring at Shepard's door for several minutes now. In less than a handful of hours they would be at the endgame with Saren. The fate of every living soul in the galaxy would hang on the actions they'd take in these next few hours. Nothing in his life had prepared him for this kind of responsibility. But he was just a lieutenant, just following the orders of his commanding officer. He could not even imagine what Shepard would be thinking at that moment. One wrong step and she would damn them all, one way or the other.
Kaidan looked around the mess hall and realized he was alone. Everyone else had returned to their duties or had gone elsewhere. He nervously rubbed his hands together and his eyes wondered back the door leading to the captain's quarters. He went very still as he watch those gray doors.
You can't go in there, Kaidan, you go in there and there is no way out. You have to leave yourself a way out, he thought to himself.
I'm just going to go and make sure she is alright. She is probably nervous about the mission. He tried to reason.
That's not why you're going to her and you know it.
He was out of his chair and moving to her door before he even realized he had stood. He did not even pause at her door. The surprised look on Shepard's face let him know he probably should have at least knocked.
"Commander?"
Shepard smiled standing from her chair and gave a lazy shrug, "You probably shouldn't call me that. Hell, I probably shouldn't be wearing this uniform."
Kaidan wondered for a moment if she had said that as an opening for him. Was she trying to stir him in that direction? Driving the thought of her nude from his mind he said, "Yeah, hell of a thing, we broke our oath to the Alliance so we could keep it. We're a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?"
Shepard looked down at her boots, "I keep reminding myself we're doing the right thing." Looking back up at him, she gave him a lopsided smile, "I don't believe me yet..."
Kaidan had been right, she was nervous, though most people would never catch the subtle signs. They had worked together long enough for him to know what to look for: the way she blinked a little faster than normal, the way she sucked slightly on her bottom lip. It was one of the few emotions he could read. Giving her his best reassuring smile he said, "Well, if I didn't think you were doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here."
And why are you here in her room? He asked himself.
He ignored his doubt; he wanted to make Shepard feel better, both as his friend and commanding officer. In the back of his mind he knew he had other reasons for being here, alone with her. He hoped she would make the first move, God knows he would never let himself do it.
"It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos," He continued trying to keep himself talking about something other than the beautiful woman standing in front of him, "If things don't go well, I want you to know... Well, I've enjoyed serving under you," Without realizing what he was doing he took a step closer to her.
A small wrinkle formed between her brows, she looked almost hurt, "You're still hesitating, after everything we have been through together? What are you afraid of?"
She hit the nail on the head, like always. They had only known each other for a handful of intense months yet she knew him better than any other person in the entire galaxy. Better than his friends, better than his parents. On the other hand he could not read her as well as she could him. Shepard was smart, clever, and charming, anyone would be able to see that but her thoughts and her feelings remained a mystery, at least to him. What he was concerned most about was her feelings toward him. She had flirted with him, almost kissed him, and even referred to herself as a sure thing for him. Still he feared she would throw him out of her room at any moment.
Feeling a little lost, he gave her a short laugh and a shrugged shoulder, "I dunno, the regs against fraternization seem kind of petty now, taking a stolen ship to face giant intergalactic war machine…" Trailing off, he met her crystal blue eyes and he suddenly did not care about any of that. Even the voice of doubt went silent. This woman had seen through all the barriers he had put up to protect himself. How she could read him so easily left him stunned. His hands itched to touch her, to feel her skin, to kiss her lips.
"You know what? You're right, about everything. I think about losing you and I can't stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers, will come around again. But you and I are important right now. And this is what will never happen again; us."
He let out a breath he did not even know he was holding. He prayed he did not seem as nervous as he felt, "Shepard, you make me feel…" He searched for the right word. As far back as he could remember people had looked at him because he was different, because he was a biotic. Then he had found camaraderie with the other kids a BAat. That had been shattered with Vyrnnus' broken neck. Now this beautiful warrior woman had accepted him for all his flaws and short comings. She saw past all that, she saw him as…"Human," He whispered.
For a terrible moment he thought he might have gone too far. Shepard stared at him for an agonizingly long moment, her face impossible to read. Did she not realize she had him spinning on a thread since the moment they met? With a few sweet words and the batting of her long lashes she could have made him do anything she wanted. Influenced him to believe whatever she believed. It was now her choice to cut that thread and let him fall or still his spinning and pull him to the safely of her arms.
A smiled tugged at the corners of her mouth as his eyes darted for a moment at the small scar that split her top lip. Most women would have tried to hide it with makeup or surgery, but on Shepard it only added to her. It turned her full lips from beautiful to perfect. He had been denied the chance to kiss those lips earlier and it took everything he had not to take her into his arms and steal that kiss.
"Bunk here tonight, Kaidan. With me..." She laid down the ultimatum, the request, the challenge. He highly doubted that casual sex was in her vocabulary. It had always been his impression that she was very deliberate about picking her lovers. Sleeping with a subordinate was probably the last thing she would ever let herself do.
"Is that an order, Commander?" He grinned sheepishly.
Shepard's eyes shone with mischief. "Kaidan, you make me feel like I could take on the universe. And right now? I kind of have to."
They were actually going to do this. Kaidan felt a little guilty he was giving in, "This can't change anything, Shepard. This is a good crew. The finest I've served with. I don't want to mess it up."
She touched his arm, "Kaidan, stop calling me by my last name."
"Zody," He whispered, smiling at this beautiful woman. God, he was going to burn for saying her name, he just knew it.
One moment she was smiling at him the next she grabbed the sides of his jaw and slammed her mouth against his so hard it almost hurt. A sweet blast of lust and love, enough to make him realize there is no other woman in the galaxy with her fire, her passion. It took a second for him to remember to hold her let alone kiss her back. His arms locked around her back ensuring there was not a space to share between him and her.
Just hold on, he told himself.
He recalled carrying her back to the Normandy after the beacon had knocked her unconscious. Until he picked her up he had never realized how small Shepard actually was. Then she had also been wearing combat armor. Now she was just in her military uniform. He realized how fragile and petite the feared and respected Commander Shepard was. Having her in his arms made him appreciate what a lovely woman she was. She was athletically built, slender arms, long rapturous legs, and curves in all the right places. Seeing her as a woman did not diminish his respect for her, if anything it strengthened it. She was shorter and probably weighted a little under a hundred pounds less than him. But her presence commanded him to revere her.
She was a biotic, like him, but unlike him she did not have the same L2 implants he had. Still she was as powerful if not more so than him. He had seen krogan and turians, who stood at least a head higher than her, back down when she commanded them. She could demand respect or fear from the galaxy's most powerful and terrible beings. She was a goddess of war, a matron saint of justice and temperance; beautiful, ferocious, and completely his.
Her kisses did not let his mind wonder too far though; she was warm and eager and kissed him like she was trying to crawl into his mouth. All he could do was hold on. She did not seem capable of holding herself back. He wondered how long she had wanted this and restrained herself. He pulled her shirt from her pants and slid a hand in. She purred as he touched her bare back.
Pulling away from her, he stepped around her, and walked her backwards toward the bed. She sighed happily and grabbed the rim of his shirt raising it up and over his head. Sitting on the edge of the bed he pulled her against him. Pushing her shirt up slightly, he let her pull it the rest of the way off as he surprised her by kissing her lower chest right under the last rib bone. Her breath caught at the sensation of his lips on her skin.
Opening his eyes he looked up to meet hers. Her lips were parted and her gaze had glazed over. It had been a little too long for his liking since the last time he had been with a woman. He was glad to see he had not lost his touch.
Hooking one hand at the back of her knee he raised her leg enough to undo the laces of one boot then the other. The whole time kissing and licking the soft skin of her stomach and chest. Quickly he undid his own and kicked the boots away.
He slid his thumb into the hem of her pants gently and wrapped the whole hand around her waist to her back. The simple act caused a moan to escape her lips. That delicious sound almost made him lose his control and he had to break eye contact to regain his composer. Returning to the blue pools of her eyes he continued his work. Though, it surprised him slightly how she just stood there. He had almost expected her to lead; this was Commander Shepard after all. Yet she just stood there letting him do what he wanted to her. That thought sent another trill through him.
Focus, Alenko, he told himself.
With his free hand he undid the bottom and zipper of her pants, then used both hand to slide them very slowly down her hips. Even when gravity should have taken over and let it fall the rest of the way to the floor, he held on to the hem with his thumbs and traced her legs with his finger.
"Kaidan…" She whispered closing her eyes and letting her head fall backwards while her hands rested on his bare shoulders to stay balanced.
Looking ahead of him he stared at the red lace bra. The color and fabric of the matching bra and panty had surprised him. Regulations said white cotton. Apparently the by-the-books Commander Shepard had a few other dirty little secrets. Not that he was complaining, he liked red on her.
He stood to rid himself of his clothes but Shepard had other plans. Gently she pushed his hands away and grabbed the hem of his pants with one hand, and undid the zipper and buttons with the other. Now in their underwear, he held her up in his arms and fell backward onto the bed. Laughing she rolled over bringing him with her up and over the edge of the bed. Shepard hit the floor hard with him on top of her.
Horrified he went to his knees, trying to get off of her. "Oh God, are you alright?" He asked, worry clear in his tone.
Her eyes were squeezed shut as she moaned but a smile was plastered on her face as she rubbed the back of her head were it had connected with the floor. Flicking her eyes open her smiled boarded into a full grin. One hand went around his neck.
"Come here," She beckoned.
Kaidan watched Shepard sleeping soundly in his arms. His eyes were growing heavy but he fought desperately to stay awake. She was so beautiful. He brushed a loose strand of ebony hair out of her face, and tucked it behind her ear. She stirred, reacting to his touch. She was unlike any other woman he had met before. He hated comparing her to Rahna, but then again she was one of the only women he had become close to. There had been dates and other women, but with a military career there was hardly time to commit for very long. Like Rahna, Shepard was smart, beautiful, and charming. But she possessed a harder edge that Rahna ever had. Had it been Shepard whom he had tried to protect from Vyrnnus, she would have never shunned him. Then again had Shepard been there he probably would not have had to protect her at all.
On Virmire he had compared her to a goddess of war, wisdom, and justice. It does not matter what you call her, an Amazon, shield maiden, or an onna bugeisha, the fact still remained; Shepard was a courageous, formidable woman. He wondered if thousands of years from now, people would recount the story of Zody Shepard the warrior woman who battled evil mechanical gods from the deep void. Would those stories mention her mortal lover? Would anyone ever know how fiercely he loved this woman?
If someone had told him when he was first assigned to the Normandy that he would end up sleeping with his commanding officer he would have been disgusted by the thought. This was not like him, too impulsive, too rash. He could not remember the last time he done anything on an impulse. Sleeping with a woman who was not technically his girlfriend, but also the last person in the galaxy he should be physical with. Yet he could not imagine being anywhere else but here, holding her. If his time with her had taught him anything it was that he could not count on tomorrow coming. They had already lost good people. It was quite possible that in a few hours, one –or both– of them might be dead.
If only time could stop for him, for this one perfect moment. Yet, no matter how hard he held on, his eyes closed and he fell asleep. He dreamed of a perfect life, far away from terrible machines. He dreamt of a beautiful ebony haired warrior woman and her love for him.
Shepard opened her eyes and was greeted by a wonderful sight, a handsome and naked man sleeping next to her. Kaidan had one arm draped over her side, protectively. The other was under her pillow and she could feel his hand on her back. Shielded in his arms she did not feel the overwhelming weight of the entire galaxy on her shoulders. She lightly touched his face; he stirred but did not awake. She smiled as she looked at him. It was hard not to love him. Not only was he terribly good looking, but he had gentle heart. His sweetness did not make him weak in the least bit. He was a bit of a romantic, protector of the innocent, doer of good deeds, and all that. Yet, he was also had practical mind. Kaidan was a total gentleman, almost to a frustrating point. She had been aware of his feelings for her almost before he did. For the past few months she had watched him inch toward her, so careful, so austere. There were moments when she had considered pinning him to the wall at his work station and demanding him to take her right there. Then again the lover's game they had played back and forth had just been too irresistible. Months of incredible foreplay had led to a passionate climax.
Sometimes he did agonize over every choice he made, that was probably why he had waited until now to come to her bed. Most men she had met would have taken her invitation in half the time. Since she had met him, she had come to rely on him in so many ways both as a fellow soldier and a friend. Kaidan was exactly the kind of man she was interested in.
Wrinkling her brow she pondered her actions. She had just slept with a member of her crew, a subordinate. She should have been appalled by her actions. Shepard had always followed a strict code of conduct. Sex with Kaidan broke her own rules, big time. Yet for some reason she could not make herself feel guilty for it, and it was not because that soon it might not matter at all. She wanted to be here, with him.
Laying there sheltered in his arms she wondered why she had not found her way here sooner. There had been several times she had wanted him to hold her so bad she could barely stand it. Sometimes even Commander Shepard needed someone to cradle her in their arms and whisper sweet little white lies. Sometimes she just needed to be told that, 'everything will be alright.'
Trying to stay in her sanctuary she craned her neck to see the clock. They would be at Ilos soon, she needed to get up. The crew and the rest of the galaxy would need Commander Shepard soon. She would need to be their leader, she needed to show perfect confidence and hopefully not let them see how damn terrified she was.
Not wanting to wake him, she slid slowly out of his embrace and shivered against the cold. Resisting the urge to cuddle back against him for warmth she quietly searched the room for her clothes. Most of them were near the bed but somehow her bra had landed on the lamp on the nearby table. Looking at the very out of place bra, she had to smile. She recalled Kaidan having trouble trying to get the hooks undone and in a moment of impatience she had nearly ripped the bra off tossing it randomly. She dressed quickly but looked every now and then back to the man in her bed; and a smile would return to her face.
With a start she realized something, she loved him, truly, deeply loved him. He had made her really feel for the first time in years. Looking at him she imagined things she had never dared, marriage, children, and a home. Home, the idea sat in her mind bitterly, she was Commander Shepard she could not have those things. Mindoir and Akuze had left her too broken, too damaged for simple luxuries. Shaking her head to cast out the doubts, she looked back at Kaidan. At least for now she could find a little bit of happiness with a man who loved her.
