Dis claim…er… I claim er… that I, like, don't… erm… Own One Piece? Or like, Nintendo? So… yeah, dat's what dis claim's saying.
Nitonnec Courthouse, Defendant's Lobby. 8/20. 5:45 pm.
Nightfall on Nitonnec. A slight fog had fallen over the island, giving it an eerie 'Thriller" feel. Two people sat waiting in the defendant's lobby.
"It's a bit odd to have the trial this late, isn't it?" asked the green-haired man.
"I suppose…" agreed his female companion. She looked at him knowingly "but that's not what you're worried about, is it?"
"What? I… I'M FINE! Don't worry about me!"
She shook her head. "You can't fool me, I know that look."
He sighed. "Yeah… I'm man enough to admit it… I'm kind of nervous…" He placed a hand behind his head and blushed (that's right, blushed) slightly.
"This guy is rumored to be the best in the world…" she mused. She looked down, and smiled a little. "If it helps any, I believe you can do this… and I love you."
He was silent for a moment. Then he smiled. "Thanks Hina" he whispered.
"No problem, Barry!" Hina smiled.
My name is Aetius Barrister. I am 26 years old. For the past four years, I've stood at a bench, shouting at people and pointing my finger. No, I'm not a politician; I'm a defense attorney.
When I first began as a lawyer, my methods shocked people. The press claimed that I was an 'upstart amateur' who won cases through 'showmanship and verbosity'. They called my victories flukes and attributed my perfect record to beginner's luck. Four years later, here I am. Still a spotless record, and about to go up against the number one prosecutor in the region… some say the world.
Hina smiled. "Oh, Barry. You're so cute when you talk to yourself!"
This beautiful creature is my fiancée, Officer Hina. Three years ago she hired me to bail her friend Smoker out of a crisis at the Naval Academy, and, well, one thing led to another. As her introduction suggests, we're to be married, November 11th, as a matter of fact.
The door to the defendant's lobby slammed open, shaking the walls. "MR. BARRISTEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!" yelled a tall, ridiculously ripped young man. "You've gotta help MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
And that guy over there in the sleeveless shirt and gym shorts? That'd be my client, Robert Flex, a personal trainer at Nitonnec Total Fitness. He's been charged with the murder of Liberty Dreyfus, a judge held by the World Government as the finest of all time. Part of that is probably because he died before he could issue an incorrect verdict… but I won't speak ill of the dead. He was, at the very least, a good man, and a judge without peer. Why on earth the police think a man as helpless and impressionable as Mr. Flex could kill such a famous and powerful man, I'll never know.
"Mr. Barrister" said Flex, crying. "Why on earth do they think I did it? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?" (A/N: Elapsed time to type every why: 0.3 seconds. Top that.)
"I don't know Mr. Flex," explained Aetius "I only just received your case from the previous lawyer yesterday."
"WHY?" yelled Flex. "WHY DID HE DITCH MEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
"Um… he died in his sleep…. He was ninety-seven" offered Hina.
"It's always like that" Flex said through tear-filled eyes. "Sudden injury, vacations, deportment, death…" He began to bawl "NO MATTER WHAT, EVERYONE ENDS UP DITCHING ME AT THE LAST MINUUUUUUUTE!!"
Barrister clamped his hands over his ears. "Could you try not yelling so loudly, Mr. Flex?" he pleaded. "That's kind of what you're paying me to do."
"O…ok…" said Robert, wiping his eyes on his sweat-filled, sleeveless gym shirt. "Oh, and… you can call me 'Bo'… my friends call me that…"
Bo Flex? Where have I heard that before?
"Maybe it would make him feel better if you looked over the evidence you gathered. Make it look like you're doing something!" whispered Hina.
"Good idea, it'll also make sure that the reader doesn't cry 'foul play' when I present this stuff in court" Aetius noted.
"What?"
"Never mind."
Devil Fruit registrar's list:
Lady Allure: Hot-Hot fruit.
Graham Bell: Rope-Rope fruit
Eugene Einstein: Brain-Brain fruit
Eustace Einstein: Brain-Brain fruit
Felix O'Hara: Luck-Luck fruit
Daz Bones: Supa-Supa fruit (This look familiar to anyone?)
Subpoena: 'Mr. Robert Flex is summoned to Nitonnec Courthouse on 8/12, to testify on behalf of one Adam Anatine.'
Crime Photo: Picture of the front of the courthouse. The stone steps and roman column outcropping have not been installed yet, so there is merely a dirt path and a small garden leading up to the door. Hamilton's body can be seen through the open door, hanging from the rafters in the center of the building. Area in front of courthouse is otherwise undisturbed.
"The trial will begin shortly, please enter the courtroom" said the bailiff, off-screen.
Aetius smiled. "It's that time again," he sang in a singsong sing…er, voice.
"Barry, I don't know…" shied Hina.
"Do that thing that drive me crazy. Pleeeeeeease?" He gave her puppy dog eyes. "It's for good luck!" He moped.
Hina chuckled. "Alright, alright." She leaned in and whispered in his ear. "Hina wishes you good luck, Mr. Barrister."
Aetius shook his head, overcome with delight. "Oh yeah!" He let out a jubilant yell. "I'm so ready to get my NOT GUILTY!"
Nitonnec Courthouse. 8/20, Ten Years Ago. 6:00 pm.
"All rise!" ordered the bailiff. "The honorable judge Thomas Hamilton residing!"
Hundreds of people rose to their feet, their murmuring resonating clearly off the high, cathedral-type ceiling of the courthouse. Judge Thomas Hamilton walked into the room, radiating power and justice despite his portly figure. He slammed his gavel, and the court was seated.
"The trial of Mr. Robert Flex will now come to order, me old boys!"
"The defense is ready your honor" nodded Aetius. That accent will get annoying pretty fast…
Silence from the prosecution.
"Erm… should we assume the prosecution is… not ready then?" asked Hamilton.
AHBJECSHEEEN!
"SILENCE!" the prosecutor replied coldly. "Do you think that I, the great Manson Mawelyr, would stand before this court unprepared?
You know… this is the first time I've met this guy… yet I have the strangest feeling that we've been through this before…
"Usually, people just call that 'Déjà vu' dear." Hina offered.
Aetius smiled. "I love it when you read my mind."
AHBJECSHEEEN!
"If the defense is done with its shameless flirting" taunted Mawelyr, "I'd like to make my opening statement."
"By all means, Mr. Mawelyr" said Aetius, trying to sound more confident then he felt. "Be my guest."
"The prosecution is willing to concede, as of now, that there are no direct witnesses that can tie the defendant to this crime."
Whoa. Déjà vu. And all of a sudden my job becomes easier.
"That's better honey" Hina smiled.
"I know what you're thinking Aetius Barrister" Mawelyr sneered. "You're thinking 'And all of a sudden my job becomes easier'."
Aetius jumped back. How the hell did he do that?
"BUT YOU'RE WRONG!" yelled Mawelyr, seeming to become taller as he captured the audience's attention. "While there are no direct witnesses," he slammed his left fist on the bench "there is decisive evidence that proves the defendant's guilt! Not to mention there is an event that took place that proves that only the defendant could have committed the crime!"
"Could you stop that?" asked Aetius, innocently.
"Stop… what?" Mawelyr faltered, his rhythm thrown off by the bluntness of the question.
"You keep giving me déjà vu, and it's really starting to annoy me." Aetius explained.
"Um…" Mawelyr was silent for a moment, confused. "O…k?"
"Thank you. That's better."
"Erm… Mr. Mawelyr?" asked the judge. "Are you ready to call your first witness, me old boy?"
AHBJECSHEEEN!
"YOU WILL NOT USE YOUR ACCENT WHEN REFERRING TO ME!"
"ERM! YES SIR!" apologized the judge. "Mr. Mawelyr, your witness?"
"Yes your honor" Mawelyr replied, the sneer in his voice returning. "The prosecution calls the officer in charge of the investigation to the stand!"
A medium-height, lanky marine with long hair, a chain around his neck, and sunglasses on (even though it was night) came to the stand.
"Name. Occupation." Mawelyr demanded.
"WAZZUUUUUUUUUUUP!" screamed the marine. "CHIEF PETTY OFFICER SMOKER HERE TO ROCK DA HOUSE, BIZZOOOOOOOOOY!!"
Somewhere in an alternate dimension, a fan fiction reader laughs hysterically.
"Um… Mr. Smoker? Do you think you can calm down, me boy?" asked Hamilton.
"Don't be a player-hater old man!" Smoker defended. "You gotta live out loud to be a real G., dig?"
"Um… o…k?" Judge Hamilton was perplexed.
"Perhaps it would be helpful if the witness went directly to his testimony?" Mawelyr offered.
"Yes!" The judge was relieved. "The court agrees with Mr. Mawelyr's motion. Mr. Smoker, give us your testimony, me boy."
"Tell us about the results of the investigation, and why they point to the defendant" Mawelyr prompted.
"SURE THING POPS!" Smoker saluted.
-The Investigation-
"Judge Liberty Dreyfus was found hanging from da rafters of dis very courthouse two nights ago."
"At first, we all assumed he'd done himself in."
"However, when we examined his neck, we found that the rope burns were consistent with him being pulled up from the ground, instead of falling down from higher."
"Now, Mr. Dreyfus lifted weights at Nitonnec total fitness everyday, da man was ripped yo! He weighed over four-hundred pounds from all dat muscle!"
"The day of da murder, he and Mr. Flex got into a fight over use of da weight room! We've got like ten witnesses, they say it got pretty ugly, y'know?"
"One thing leads to another, and we find a shred of Flex's shirt here in the courthouse, not to mention some strands of his hair!"
"And to top it all off, our science duded up at HQ say that with the length of the rope being what it is, and the weight of judge Dreyfus, you'd have to be able to lift like eight-hundred pounds to commit this murder! And the only one on the island who can lift that, besides Mr. Dreyfus himself, is da defendant!"
-End Testimony-
"A very long, hard to understand, yet decisive testimony, me old boy" commented Hamilton.
"The prosecution will present all the relative evidence," said Mawelyr.
Dreyfus's Autopsy report: Died just before midnight on 8/18. Rope marks suggest Liberty Dreyfus was pulled up forcibly and hanged on the rope, leading to death by strangulation. No other marks found on body.
Rope: A four foot length of black rope. Frayed at one end. Composed of three intertwined strands. The murder weapon.
Flex's shirt: A piece of fabric torn from Robert Flex's shirt. Matches perfectly with what he is wearing.
Flex's hair follicles: Strands of Flex's hair, found at the crime scene.
"Alright Aetius! Have at him!" cheered Hina.
Have at… what? That was just… perfect!
"You're absolutely right," agreed Mawelyr.
HOW DOES HE DO THAT!?
"Erm… Mr. Smoker?" asked Aetius.
"JUST CALL ME BIG SMOKY, BIZZOOOOOOOOY!"
"Al…alright, 'Big Smoky', do you have any proof that the shirt piece and the hair was left here on the night of the crime?" Aetius asked, years of experience immediately showing him where to find a hole.
"Erm… well… good point…" sputtered Smoker.
AHBJECSHEEEN!
"Mr. Flex is a personal trainer who lives on the other side of town!" Mawelyr interjected "he has never had a reason to enter this room!"
"NO REASON EXCEPT TO KILL JUDGE DREYFUS THAT IS!"
OBJECTION!
Barrister's voice rang throughout the courtroom, and all at once, its occupants took a breath in awe. They stared intently at Aetius' outstretched arm, wondering what kind of miracle it would mold.
"I have here a subpoena for Mr. Robert Flex" Aetius explained, waving a piece of paper in the air dramatically.
"We all know he has been summoned to trial, Mr. Barrister" Mawelyr taunted "He's standing right behind you!"
The courtroom chuckled.
"True" admitted Aetius. "But this subpoena…"
"IS DATED FOR THE 12th OF AUGUST!"
TAKE THAT! came cries from the onlookers, some of which had their hair done exactly like Aetius'.
Wait? Seriously? It was that easy?
BANG! BANG! "ORDER!" yelled Hamilton.
"As this subpoena clearly shows," continued Aetius. "The possibility that Mr. Flex dropped these articles before the crime ever took place is obvious." He smiled. "I motion that these articles of evidence be removed from the court." And now comes the 'ahbjecsheen…'
Mawelyr cackled. "I'm impressed, Mr. Barrister."
Huh? Did he just… compliment me?
"As sad as it may seem" Mawelyr continued, "most defense attorneys these days wouldn't catch something like that."
WHAT? THAT WAS GLARINGLY OBVIOUS!
"For someone who bothered to do some footwork, that is" commented Hina.
"Ah, good point" Aetius conceded.
"AHEM!" Aetius snapped back to attention as Mawelyr cleared his throat violently. "However" Mawelyr explained, "as 'impressive' as that contradiction may seem" he shook his head "these pieces of evidence are nothing more than throwaways."
"WHAT?" yelled Judge Hamilton "but… THOSE ARE THE ONLY THINGS TYING MR. FLEX TO THIS CRIME!"
AHBJECSHEEEN!
"Not true" claimed Mawelyr "the rest of this witness' testimony clearly gives Mr. Flex a motive" he paused for sinister effect "not to mention makes it painfully clear that Mr. Flex is the only one who had the opportunity to commit the crime!"
Hustle bustle from the crowd.
Oh… my stomach… my poor stomach…
"That Mawelyr… methodical to a fault, huh?" Hina winked.
"I'm sorry dear… but now's not the time to be so damn cute."
Hina giggled. "Glad I can be of assistance."
BANG! BANG! BANG! "ORDER!" yelled Hamilton. "Mr. Smoker?"
"WADDYA WANT, GRAMPS?" posed Smoker.
"Could you please testify in further detail about this opportunity that Mr. Mawelyr spoke of, me boy?"
Smoker struck a pose. "Ain't nothin' that a real O. G. can't handle, BIZZOOOOOOOOY!"
-Opportunity-
"It's like I said before! Our science dudes say the only one who could do it was Flex!"
"We got an official report, typed up and all, it should be sittin' on the evidence bench right now!"
"To top that off, Mr. Flex was also one of the only people who weren't down by the south bridge that night!"
"G! L! T! Y! HE AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI! HE GUILTY!"
-End Testimony-
"A report?" asked Aetius, not bothering to wait for a prompt.
"YEAH, BIZZOOOOOY!" Smoker called back.
Ugh…
"The report, for your perusal, my boy." Judge Hamilton gave Aetius a file.
Physics report: The length of the rope and body weight of the victim, being what they are, respectively, indicate that the amount of force applied to commit the murder is equivalent to the amount needed to lift a weight of eight hundred pounds or more.
"And… you also said something about… erm" Aetius paused for a minute, embarrassed, "'he ain't got no alibi?'"
"YUP!" Smoker said quickly. He paused. "Though come to think of it…" Smoker mused "you weren't there either, were you Mr. Barrister?"
"I must have missed the memo" Aetius dismissed "why was the town gathered in one place?"
"I'LL LET DIS TO THE TALKIN' FO ME, BIZZOOOOOY!" Smoker handed Aetius a newspaper clipping.
Clipping: The citizens of Nitonnec gathered near Central River from 11:30 to midnight to christen the new 'South Bridge'. The bridge is expected to increase trade and transportation between the two 'sides' of the island. Despite a sudden downpour that ended a weeklong drought, attendance was amazingly high; census indicates a mere eight people were missing for this celebration.
Wow… according to this article… only eight people could have committed this crime… well actually, barring the victim and myself, six.
"I wasn't there too, remember?" added Hina.
How could I forget? Five then.
"All right, Big Smoky" Aetius stopped. What else can I ask him about?
"Run out of material, haven't you, Mr. Barrister?" Mawelyr shook his head. "It's just bad luck. You can't help getting a guilty client," he said, sounding much more insulting then his words would betray.
"OF COURSE NOT!" yelled back Aetius, sounding much less confident then his words would betray "BIG SMOKY! Tell me… ABOUT THE REPORT!" It's something…
AHBJECSHEEEN!
"Mr. Barrister is clearly grasping, your honor!" Mawelyr interjected "I motion that cross-examination of this witness be suspended immediately!"
OBJECTION!
"I'M NOT GRASPING!" lied Aetius. "Unless we know the full implications of this report…"
"PROPER JUDGEMENT CANNOT BE PASSED!!"
Hustle bustle fuss'll
"BLUFFING TO THE MAX!" Hina whispered loudly "Hina is proud of you…"
Confidence returning… third person… so cute…
"BIG SMOKY!"
"WHAAAAT?" Smoker jumped "DON'T SURPRISE ME LIKE DAT POSER!!"
I'm a poser? Objection!
"This report says that with 'the length of the rope as it is' a person would have to be able to lift eight hundred pounds to commit the murder, yes?"
"DAS RIGHT FOO!"
"Are we to assume, then, that if the rope were longer the person would have to exert less force?"
"Um…"
"After all" Aetius added 'How does the saying go? 'With a long enough rope and a place to drape it over, I can hang the world?"
AHBJECSHEEEN!
"The quote you're so badly quoting is about levers and fulcrums!" Mawelyr cringed. "Besides that, who cares if a change in the length of the rope would change anything? The rope is what it is, it's not even four feet long after the noose!"
"And don't you find that odd?" Aetius asked. "The ceiling of this courthouse is pretty high…"
"HOW DID THE MURDERER HANG MR. DREYFUS WITH SUCH A SHORT ROPE??"
Hustle Bustle Rustle.
BANG! BANG! BANG! "ORDER! I WILL HAVE ORDER! MR. BARRISTER, EXPLAIN YOURSELF, ME BOY!"
"The rope was only four-feet long!" iterated Aetius. "Yet these ceilings are at least twenty feet high!"
"MR. SMOKER! HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT?"
"Well…" Smoker said, looking a bit mortified. "We assumed the killer knocked him out and used a ladder or the benches..."
OBJECTION!
"But the autopsy report clearly shows that there were no other marks on this victim's body!" Aetius slammed the wall behind him. "FURTHERMORE! Mr. Flex is a large man! If he had struck Mr. Dreyfus in the head…"
"IT IS MORE THAN LIKELY THAT THE JUDGE WOULD HAVE DIED THEN AND THERE!"
"ACK!" yelled Smoker. "WHA-WHA-WHA… WHA-WHA-WHA… BIZZ BIZZZ BIZZZZOOOOOOOOOOOYYY?? AAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!"
"MR. SMOKER, CALM DOWN!" yelled Mawelyr.
"CAn't… loSINg… plaYEr sTAtuS…."
"Try one of these" he held out a cigar.
"What?" Smoker stopped. "Dude… Gs don't let Gs smoke."
"Don't worry about that," implored Mawelyr "these are tobacco-free… and I find they have a calming effect on the Smoker."
Smoker took the cigar warily, lit it, and clamped down.
"The eucalyptus is rather soothing, don't you agree?" asked Mawelyr.
"Yeah…" murmured Smoker. "I feel so… calm… collected… in charge." He straightened up, ripping his sunglasses off. "It's like you've turned me into a completely different person Mr... um..."
"I tend to have that effect on people" the prosecutor interrupted. Mawelyr was certainly not a humble man.
Smoker nodded. "Barrister."
"…?" questioned Aetius.
"You're right about that discrepancy, for sure… but what does it mean? What are you trying to prove by it?"
"Well…" Aetius paused "I proved that the murderer could've used a longer rope!" He smiled.
Silence.
"Mr. Barrister…" sighed Mawelyr. "I think I speak for everyone when I ask… 'so what'? Whether the rope was four feet long or unlimited, it does not disprove that Mr. Flex was the murderer! This line of questioning has been pointless!"
OBJECTION!
"Not true," stated Aetius.
"…?" questioned Mawelyr.
"While I have not completely proven, as of yet, that Mr. Flex is innocent…"
"I HAVE PROVEN THAT HE IS NOT THE ONLY PERSON CAPABLE OF COMMITTING THIS CRIME!"
AHBJECSHEEEN!
"WHAAAAAAT? WHEN DID YOU DO THAT?" yelled Mawelyr.
"The report only says that 'with things as they are' the murdered must have been able to lift eight-hundred pounds of weight…"
"BUT WITH A LONGER ROPE, THE AMOUNT NEEDED TO LIFT MR. DREYFUS WOULD BE LOWERED SIGNIFICANTLY!"
"YIPPEEEEEE!" yelled Flex from the defendant's chair.
Hustle Bustle Rustle Muscle.
BANG! BANG! BANG! "Why, you're absolutely right Mr. Barrister!" conceded Judge Hamilton "with such a fact, and the dismissing of the evidence tying Mr. Flex to the crime scene that day…"
"THEERE'S ENOUGH REASONABLE DOUBT TO END THIS CASE NOW, ME BOY!"
AHBJECHSEEEN!
"Don't. Ever. Say. That. Again." Mawelyr glared.
"Gulp, me boy!" Hamilton gulped.
"While Mr. Barrister's precious contradictions open up the possibility that another person killed Mr. Dreyfus…"
"THE TESTIMONY OF THE NEXT WITNESS WILL PROVE FLEX'S GUILT BEYOND THE SHADOW OF A DOUBT!!"
OBJECTON!
"BUT! YOU SAID THERE WERE NO MORE WITNESSES!" Aetius declared, well, whined really.
"Tsk tsk tsk." Mawelyr laughed. "I said there were no direct witnesses he clarified. "THERE IS, HOWEVER, A WITNESS WHO CAN VERIFY MR. FLEX'S WHEREABOUTS THAT DAY!"
Courtroom crowd go craaaaaaaaaaazyyyyyy!
BANG! BANG! BANG! "ORDER!! ORDER!! ORRRRDEEEEEEEEEEEER ME BOOOOOOOOOOOYSSSSSSS!!" Hamilton screamed to no avail.
Nitonnec Detention Center. 8/19, Present Day. 5:23 pm.
"The crowd became so riled that the judge had to break for a twenty-minute recess!" Hina remembered.
"Wow!" said Zoro, fixated on every word. "That's really amazing! This Aetius guy is great! Don't you think Nami?"
"SNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE" snored Nami.
"OH C'MON, THAT'S JUST DISRESPECTFUL!"
Nami remained asleep.
The irony of it all… usually I'm asleep, and she's telling me to pay attention and not to be rude.
"Speaking words of wisdom… let her be," whispered Hina. "Shall I continue?"
"Sure! Keep going! Right this second!"
Hina mused. "I wonder how long a second takes in an alternate dimension…"
"Well I'm not sure…" Zoro pondered "but I wouldn't think more than a few days… maybe a little more than a week, if that?"
"I suppose it's not important," admitted Hina. "Alright then, what happened next is…"
See you guys next week!
-
To those trying to solve the case: The only thing I can say is pay attention to he-he-heeeeeeeverything. Who is the real killer? Remember not to rule out anybody just because they're a 'good guy'. And don't automatically assume Hina is innocent either. Just saying.
-
-
-
And, if I really wanted to be evil, I could make the killer some random person whose only been mentioned once in the entire story. Wouldn't that be fun?
