SO MUCH BETTER
How did Alexandria Shepard ever allow herself to become so consumed in romance that it could cut her this deep?
It started with "I want you". Alex and Nihlus reunited on the Normandy after receiving their mission from the Council, and they were instantly drawn to each other. The fatal attraction was tangible. Immediately, they engaged in the sexual relationship they couldn't have under his mentorship – for chain-of-command reasons. Nihlus always found Alex's warrior traits attractive, as any turian would. Alex was lured in by Nihlus' good looks and unique pigmentation but captured by his benevolence to humanity. Or rather, his benevolence to her as a human.
Next, came the admission of "I like you." Nihlus joined Alex for her morning coffee and reading. Alex joined him for his daily workouts. They let their guards down around one another and there was no denying there was something more there.
Then, it was the confession "I need you." Casual nights of sex ended with spooning, or sometimes no sex at all. They just wanted to be around each other. No doubt things were getting serious, and the two Spectres were known around the ship as an item.
At last, the profession "I love you." Falling in love wasn't the plan for either of them, but it couldn't be helped. It happened, and Nihlus proposed. There was no big romantic gesture, but an eventual conclusion that they should get married. It made sense. They wanted to spend the rest of their lives together, so why not? But they held off planning a ceremony until the war was over. Something to look forward to. Neither of them foresaw the broken engagement and it hit Alex especially hard. A symbol that marked the end of something that once meant everything to her. The main thing that kept her going and want to continue fighting.
But Alex couldn't let herself be dependent on Nihlus anymore to help with her anxiety – sparring or otherwise. And she was tired of looking foolish for holding onto a string of hope that the relationship could ever go back to the way it was before.
A couple of hours ago, Nihlus docked the Normandy at the Citadel and granted the crew shore leave. While everyone ran out like children on the last day of school heading towards freedom, Alex sulked in the lounge staring at the liquor cabinet. She hadn't had a drink. Yet. And she had the room to all to herself – she thought.
"Kasumi," Alex said without a sideways look.
Uncloaking, Kasumi plopped down on the bar stool next to Alex. "I've spent too much time around you. You're starting to notice me before I reveal myself."
Kasumi was one of the select people that stayed behind on the ship. She didn't care too much for the Citadel. Too clean and too many bright lights.
"Sorry," she muttered impassively. Not a half a second passed before Kasumi got down to brass tacks.
"You miss Nihlus, don't you?" Kasumi asked bluntly. Alex's face hardened. She admired Kasumi's candid perceptiveness. However, she didn't want to be the subject of her adroit observations. But no one was spared. Not even Commander Shepard.
"I'm not sure what I feel right now. With anything."
"Judging by the way you've been staring at those bottles, you were aiming for analgesia. And possibly a wicked headache."
Alex shrugged. She didn't really feel like talking.
"I can see why you like him so much," Kasumi remarked switching to a lighter note.
"Nihlus? I didn't know you've even ever spoken to him before. He's pretty introvertive."
"Please," Kasumi scoffed, "I don't need to talk to someone to get find out every little thing about them." Alex acknowledged with a hum. "And I was talking about Garrus."
Alex gazed at her wide-eyed, her face growing hot. Kasumi grinned under her hood, and stared out the window of the lounge, falling under the spell of the starlight.
"W-Why do you say that?" Alex didn't mean to stammer, but Kasumi's abrupt insights had caught her off guard – something not easily achieved.
"If you're asking how I know, you forget my ability to evaluate people. I may not have a fancy degree or title, but you don't get to be the best master thief in the business without having a watchful eye. People talk, and I hear everything. They move the teensiest bit, I see everything."
Alex shook off the embarrassment.
"We're just friends, Kasumi." It wasn't very convincing. Even as hard of soldier Alex was, the truth had a funny way of coming out no matter how hard she tried to suppress it.
"But you want more than that. And I can see that he does-"
The door opened. Garrus poked his head in.
Speak of the devil.
Garrus had been looking for Alex. She hadn't been around much the last couple of days to help him train or even to talk. She'd come up from her room to go on a mission, spoke when necessary, and when they got back to the Normandy, she headed straight back to her quarters. He came to learn about her PTSD and determined that she was probably having an episode. Garrus figured he'd try to talk to her before she sought out insouciance at the bottom of countless liquor bottles. They were close friends and he couldn't stand the void she left behind anymore.
"Am I interrupting?" he asked.
"I was just leaving. Here. Take my seat." Kasumi jumped off the barstool and casually ambled past Garrus with an impish smirk. "Later, Shep."
The door closed behind her. Garrus caught Alex's murky gaze. She turned back to staring down the liquor bottles.
"You look like shit," he commented. Alex eyed Garrus down with a sudden coldness that hit him to the core.
Smooth, he thought, mentally kicking himself in the ass. Why did he have to be so goddamn tactless in times like this?
A shaky, slow smile came across the corners of her lips. "I love how people think that's an appropriate way to start a conversation with me today."
Garrus went to insert an apology, but she shook her head. "I feel like shit, so at least the outside matches the inside."
"I heard you had a virtual run-in with Saren," he said as he settled onto the stool where Kasumi had been sitting.
"Yeah," she mumbled back.
"He really gets under your skin, doesn't he?" Alex fidgeted in her seat, uncomfortable to admit the obvious. Obvious to Garrus, that is. He knew about the acrimonious history between Alex and Saren. Whenever Garrus brought up Saren before, Alex's face twisted, and her lips trembled with rage. To say she didn't get along with Saren, would be the understatement of the millennium.
"You can talk to me," he reassured her. Garrus placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. Alex put her hand over his and rubbed back of his hand with her thumb. The touch of his uncovered talons was slightly rough yet comforting. He felt nice. She let her hand fall back onto the counter and sighed. He was so easy to talk to.
"Funny."
"Funny? What's funny?"
"I've been through the death of my parents, boot camp, N7 training, and the death of my entire squad on Akuze…but he…" Alex let out a rough exhalation, a quiet growl. "Saren feeds my anger like nothing else. I find peace, and he manages to obliterate it in seconds."
"What happened?"
"Those leads on the salarian scientists I had been working on. Nihlus gave them to Saren to 'do me the favor' and help track them down, but conveniently enough, all of them led to dead ends, and now they're nowhere to be found."
Garrus hummed, catching onto what she was insinuating. "You think he did purposely did something to compromise your mission." She nodded sullenly. "I wouldn't put it past him."
A quick bark of laughter. "I'm glad you think so. Nihlus didn't. His dear mentor could never be capable of such a thing."
What could Garrus say now? All he could think to do was apologize for something he had no hand in. "I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I'm here for you."
"Thanks, Garrus." She blushed softly. Garrus had Alex feeling emotions she never experienced before. Not even with Nihlus. Hummingbird heartbeat. Fluttering stomach. Tingling fingertips. It frightened her.
"I should be thanking you. For bringing me in and letting me be a part of your team. I'm learning a lot working with you. And the new equipment you got me? I couldn't repay that even if I wanted to."
"I didn't do it to get anything in return. I want what's best for everyone. Myself included. Can't have you guys watching my six with shitty guns," she said playfully.
He laughed long enough for Alex to see his carnivorous teeth. "That's a fair statement."
"What were you still doing up anyway?"
Should he tell her the truth? About how he'd been waiting around all night for the right moment to talk because he cared for her so much?
"Got caught up in some calibrations. Lost track of time," he fibbed.
"You'll never stop running out of things to calibrate, will you?" The first real smile he'd seen from Alex seen in days. A beautiful sight.
"I have to keep busy myself somehow."
"Or else you'll go insane and start calibrating everyone else's guns?"
"If that were the case, I'd be doing everyone a favor."
And then a genuine laugh came from her lips. Nothing caustic nor sour. A laugh that stemmed from true joy. Finally, Garrus broke through through the walls that had built so high into the sky that no one wanted to climb it. But Garrus did. And it paid off.
Having heard about Alex's Spectre love story, Garrus could understand the reason why she fell for the turian Council agent. Nihlus was her unlikely hero in a time of need, willing to do anything to save her from herself. Garrus didn't have a reason to say it out loud, but he'd do the same. In a heartbeat. And he was happy to take on her demons in Nihlus' place. Garrus also knew one of Alex's coping skills to take off the edge of anxiety was to spar with Nihlus. Nihlus wasn't here, but he was. Now was a perfect opportunity to offer himself as her new sparring partner.
"How about a rematch down in the ring?" he suggested. Her eyes sparkled.
"You're willingly asking to get your ass kicked?" she quipped.
Garrus chuckled. "It's been a while since you and I sparred. I've improved since then."
With a cocky smirk, she said, "Let's see then."
When it comes to hand-to-hand combat, size always matters, so Alex knew better than to let Garrus square up in front of her with the range of a turian being far greater than a human's.
Alex and Garrus circled around the sparring ring in the training room. Garrus started with a step forward and overhand punch. Alex jumped out of range – she's good at evasion. He lunged. Swing and miss. The first few minutes weren't much different from their first match, but Garrus had picked up a thing or two. This time around he kept throwing punches, so Alex had to keep moving. He was trying to wear her down, and it was working. Smart. He was keeping Alex on her toes, and it was exhilarating.
Though, the fight was dragging out longer than Alex liked. She had to end this soon before she depleted her stamina. The next jab Garrus threw, Alex ducked and rushed forward. She drove her fist into his gut, forcing all the air out of his lungs. This was her chance.
Alex tackled him down to the floor, straddling his hips, and pushing his shoulders into the ground. The power behind her attack made her lose balance and her body landed close to his. Their faces practically touched. Their eyes bounced back and forth between each other heartfelt silence. Alex has always been aware how good-looking Garrus is, in a way very dissimilar to Nihlus. Nihlus was sophisticatedly handsome and dashing. Garrus' height has always been a plus – on the taller end of the turian height spectrum – but the way he emitted virile strength made him so attractive to Alex. Then there was his cool, smooth voice that gave her goosebumps. Oh, and the most appealing? His self-proclaimed "bad-boy" attitude that never really executed correctly because Garrus' charming awkwardness killed it whenever he made the attempt. That wasn't a bad thing. It was actually fucking adorable.
"Feel better?" he whispered. In such close proximity, Alex felt his breath when he spoke. It made her spine tingle.
"So much better," she whispered back, bringing her face haltingly towards his. Alex was about to succumb to the lewd urge of bringing her lips to his mouth. Then, EDI came over the comm system.
"Shepard, we have received an incoming request to come aboard."
Broken out of the trance, Alex immediately rolled off and cleared her throat avoiding uneasy eye contact with Garrus. "Thank you, EDI. Um, who is it?"
"Spectre Saren Arterius."
