A/N – Thank you everyone for the reviews on the previous chapter! I'm very excited to bring you this chapter. I know a lot of you have been asking for this one for awhile, so without further ado…I bring you Rebecca's perspective.
Chapter 9 – Without Understanding
Rebecca's POV
I reached up and brought his head to me, our lips mashing against each others in urgent need. I loved his face…his incredibly beautiful brown eyes, his dark hair, his high cheekbones, the slight dent in his chin that emphasized his chiseled features.
He entered me and I moaned in sheer ecstasy as he set a pace that had me soon reaching a dizzying explosion of feeling. My heart raced as I tried to get my breath back. He kissed me one more time, long and sensual before slowly removing himself from me, sending further tingles of pleasure throughout my already sensitized body.
"Baby, that was so good."
My eyes flew open and I looked up into the blond haired, blue eyed features of my husband. I smiled weakly at him as guilt consumed me. He left the bed and began to pull out fresh clothes from the dresser.
"Ian, why don't you stay home today...we'll make a day of it?" I practically begged.
I didn't want Ian to leave me. The restlessness I always seemed to have these days whenever I was left alone too much began to work its way back into my system. Ian returned to the bed and sat down next to me.
"You know I can't Becca. We have a bunch of tourists who booked surfing lessons today. I can't leave Hank to handle a class size like that by himself. As it is, I'm already going to be away from the school for a week starting tomorrow. I'm leaving for that surfing competition in Cocoa Beach, remember?"
"Oh," I muttered. "I forgot."
"You sure you don't want to come with me?" Ian asked.
"No…that's okay," I sighed. "Marissa and I were talking about rearranging the gallery display. It'll take a few days to do."
Ian smiled and gave me one more kiss before getting up to take a shower. I rolled over and pulled his pillow to me. I drifted off to sleep and woke up an hour later. I was going to have to go into the gallery in a couple of hours. Maybe I'd go in earlier though just so I could avoid the anxiousness I felt.
Sighing, I got out of bed and took a shower of my own. I dressed in some capris and a tank top and headed outside. We had a house that was near the beach. I walked to it, relishing the feel of the pale sand beneath my feet. I sat down and cupped some of it up in my hand, letting the fine grain drift through my fingers. It was so different than the pebbled beaches of La Push.
And just like that the lid holding my emotions in check blew off and fierce longing consumed and crippled me. I put my head wearily on my drawn up knees and tried for the millionth time to understand my reaction. Why? Why was I so drawn to La Push? For so long, whenever I thought of the reservation, I could only think of my mom and the accident that took her life and crippled my father.
Pain shot through me again as I thought of my dad. I wanted to see him and my sister again. I wanted to see Paul, Devlin, and Sean. I wanted to see--"
I got up and began to pace. I wanted to see my family…no one else. There was no other reason for me to return to La Push, except to see my family. I was homesick. That was all. It wasn't like I was fantasizing about…I mean I didn't fantasize every day about…
Embry
I sucked in a sharp breath as the strange yearning I felt became even fiercer. I stared out at the ocean, its beauty lost on me today. Admitting defeat, I acknowledged to myself that I wanted to see Embry. It wasn't the first time I had this internal debate with myself and it wouldn't be the last. Every day it seemed that I tried to talk myself into at least calling him. Maybe if I just picked up the phone and heard his voice, it would help me to understand my reaction to my friend. I'd had this impulse since I saw Embry again at Jake's wedding rehearsal.
I had been shocked when he walked into the Cullens' backyard. I had been expecting to see little Embry. When I last saw him, he was this abnormally shy teen, whose voice cracked and who blushed every time I spoke with him.
Instead, I saw a completely different person. Embry had grown up. He was tall, handsome, and still slightly on the thin side, but you could tell that underneath his clothes, he was pure muscle.
And when he looked at me, I had felt like a queen…cherished and adored. Standing at that rehearsal, I had wanted Embry to take me in his arms and never let go. In front of the minister, my husband, and the rest of Jake's wedding party, I hadn't cared. My reaction had confused me. I had only ever seen Embry as my little brother. I was married to Ian, a man who I loved and respected. I had passed it down as lust, pure and simple. Embry had grown into an incredibly handsome man. It was understandable that I would feel an attraction to him.
When we had danced at the reception, it had been one of the most heavenly experiences I had ever known. I had felt like I had been drugged just from being Embry's presence. He had me completely intoxicated by his embrace. I had allowed myself to fantasize briefly that I was free. I plastered myself against him. And my poor husband had witnessed it all. Ian had walked up to us and insulted me. Embry had looked like he was going to deck him. I'd felt like I had deserved it though…I'd been acting shamefully in front of everyone.
Ian had been so nervous to come to La Push and meet all my friends and family. He had only met my dad, sister, and Paul before. And how did I reward him? By draping myself all over some man in front of him. Ian has always had a tendency to speak before he thinks. I understood that, though we did get into a fight later on that night over his treatment of Embry. He could insult me…we hardly ever fought so I could handle his rare bits of temper, but how dare he insult my friends.
My husband and I made up. But that night had triggered a secret fascination for me regarding Embry. There was something about him that drew me to him. Even when we were younger, Embry would follow me around like a puppy and I never minded. And I had watched him grow from a sweet, unsure kid to an almost painfully shy teenager. But when people got to know him, they discovered how wonderful he was. I knew even when we were younger that there was something special about Embry.
I didn't think I'd ever forget his kindness when Rachel had her miscarriage a few years ago. He had been so good to me. I don't think I would have been able to handle Rachel's suffering if Embry hadn't been there for me. What made me cringe though was how close I had come to kissing him the night Rachel lost her baby. He had brought me home from the hospital and had held me in his lap and had offered me comfort. In that moment, I had wanted to feel his lips against mine so bad it made me feel sick when I thought about it the next day.
But while he held me, I hadn't cared if I was married or not. I couldn't even remember Ian's features. I had wanted to feel Embry's lips on mine. I had wanted to let the passion that seemed to be just below the surface erupt between us. I knew Embry wanted it to. I had felt his desire against my body.
But as I'd leaned in closer to finally give in to the need I felt, Ian had popped in my mind. My husband who had been so good to me since the day we said our vows. The man who helped me through the grief of losing my mom. The man who comforted me each night in his arms as I cried out the pain of my loss. I owed Ian so much more than to give in to a weak moment of temptation. So I kissed Embry on the cheek and bid him goodnight.
I tried to remain distant. I fought the temptation again when Embry and I had gone to that club. I had desperately wanted to let my hormones run free and kiss and make love to him. He had become an addiction that I didn't even care to resist. But my wedding ring caught my eye and I was reminded again that Ian deserved so much better.
When Embry had driven me to the airport on that trip, I had almost confessed my conflicting emotions to him. I hadn't wanted to leave him. I'd contemplated briefly telling him how I was feeling…that for reasons unknown to me, I could barely handle leaving his side. But I didn't. Instead, I got on a plane and returned to my husband.
I stayed away. For three long years I stayed away from La Push and tried my best to forget Embry and my strange attraction to him. I passed off my feelings as a sick lust…the temptation of the forbidden fruit. That was all it was.
I gave my full attention to Ian and our marriage. And while I told myself that I was proud that I had resisted giving in to what I secretly wanted, my heart wept. I began to feel restless and depressed. I felt like I had an internal countdown in my head reminding everyday how long it had been since I saw Embry last. But I buried my ever growing need and hid my pain behind a bright smile, and Ian never guessed how close I had come to throwing away everything we had built together. And in the end I had convinced myself that my attraction to Embry was just a whim.
When Rachel had told me she was pregnant again, I'd felt instantly terrified for her. I had even told her what a stupid, selfish thing she was doing to Paul, Devlin, dad, Jacob, and to me. But I hopped on the first flight back to La Push as soon as there was a hint of trouble. And there waiting for me again at the airport was Embry.
Seeing him again was like truly returning home. The restlessness, the painful longing I felt, all disappeared as soon as I laid eyes on him. Later that night, he had held me in his arms and our lips finally joined together. The feel of his lips against mine had been the single greatest pleasure of my life. And even as I went to deepen the kiss, a voice screamed at me to remember Ian.
Yet, apart of me didn't even care. I was glad that I had finally tasted his lips. I had felt whole for the first time in a long time. But Embry had made sure to emphasize that our kiss was nothing but a gesture of comfort on his part, and my heart broke a little. Afterwards, he had treated me distantly, which in turn made me feel deep, abiding shame. I had wanted Embry to kiss me. I had wanted him to plaster me against the vending machine and have his wicked way with me. And when I wasn't thinking of those fantasies, I was thinking of my husband. How would he feel knowing that I had wanted desperately to sleep with another man?
Although I'd felt sick with guilt, I spent every conceivable second I could with Embry that I could while Rachel recovered. He was warm, generous, funny, and I found myself dreading the day when I would have to leave again. But finally I had no excuse to stay, and with sadness weighing on me, I let Embry take me to the airport, and I returned to my life in Hawaii.
And so now, here I was…on one of the most beautiful beaches in the world and I didn't see any of it. I was completely alone and completely miserable. Ian was at his school…again. I couldn't resent it though. The school had been a dream of his since he was a kid. He was building up quite a name for himself, both for the school and as a professional surfer. I was so proud of him. Even if I wished he'd sometimes remember me.
I felt like I was holding on by a thread. I needed Ian's attention. Needed him to be there for me…to distract me. I was also physically and emotionally tired. I felt like I was constantly battle an unknown opponent, hidden somewhere inside me.
I sat back down on the sand and wrapped my arms around my legs so my chin could rest on my knees. I wanted to go home. Not back to my house in Hawaii, but back to La Push. I wanted…needed…to see Embry. The pain of not seeing him was getting worse and worse. I had been able to resist him for so long. But since our kiss, I wanted to see him so much that it caused me physical pain. Sighing, I forced myself to get up and walk back to my house. When I got there, there was a note waiting for me.
Tourists cancelled. Decided to leave for Florida today instead of tomorrow.
Lots of Love,
Ian
Fury erupted within me. I needed my husband, dammit! I needed him before I did something stupid. And what does he do? He leaves me on my own for a week. I went into my room and sat on the bed, covering my face with my hands.
Go home…you need to go home…you need Embry….
I knew I shouldn't. I knew it would destroy my life as I knew it if I went to see Embry. What could I hope to achieve? A dirty one night stand? An affair? I would ruin my marriage. And all the while I was telling myself this, the persistent voice in my head kept getting louder and louder.
You need Embry. You need Embry.
I felt like I was suffocating. Embry's face flashed in my mind and I was able to take a much needed breath.
Please don't do what you're about to do, a voice suddenly yelled inside my head.
I ignored that voice. With trembling hands, I reached for my phone and called my business partner to tell her I would be out of town for a few days and wouldn't be able to help at the gallery. I called the airlines next and booked my flight to Washington. I felt guilt and anticipation fill me as I packed my suitcase.
The flight went quickly. As soon as I reached Seattle, I rented a car and headed towards La Push. I didn't know what I was going to say Embry…all I knew was that I needed to talk to him. As I drove, I called the garage he owned with Quil.
"La Push Auto Shop…Mike speaking," a man's voice said.
"Hello, is Embry there?" I asked nervously.
"He already left for the day." Mike responded.
"I...uh…I don't suppose you know if he was headed for home? I'm trying to get a hold of him."
"Who's asking?"
"This is Jacob Black's sister," I told him.
"Oh…he said something about going to Skinny's."
"Okay, thank you."
We ended the call and I began to nervously prep what I was going to say. Meeting him in a bar was hardly the place to talk, but it would at least give us some time alone.
What was I going to say to him though? Did I tell him everything? That I felt scared and unsure unless I was with him. That I felt like something was missing in my life unless he was around. I spent the five hour drive running through the different things I needed to tell him. I finally reached Forks and drove by Skinny's Bar. Sure enough, I immediately recognized Embry's Jeep.
Oh God…what if he completely ignored me or was indifferent towards me? What if he was surprised by my presence here and didn't want anything to do with me? What if he thought I was nothing but a cheap, adulterine slut? Or what if my attraction to him was one sided? I had once asked Rachel how Embry was doing and she had told me in a disgusted tone that he was good, considering he was sleeping with half the women in the state. It had pained me to hear, though I had no right to feel that way. I had never asked Rachel about him again.
I pulled the rental car into the spot next to Embry's car. Taking a deep breath, I wiped my hands down my jeans nervously and hesitated before berating myself. I'm a Black! I'm the outgoing twin who always speaks my mind! I'd talk to Embry and then…then I didn't know what I'd do. Was I willing to throw away my 14 year marriage, for what might only be physical attraction…at least on Embry's part?
Cursing my cowardliness, I forced myself out of the car and headed towards the bar. As I approached the building, I heard a moan coming from somewhere around the corner. For reasons I couldn't explain, I began to walk in that direction. I froze at the sight before me, my hand flying over my mouth.
I had found Embry…in the middle of having sex. The fumes of alcohol hit me, making me nauseous. I had a feeling that I could tap dance across his back and he wouldn't even know I was there. I watched with horror as the woman wrapped her legs even tighter around his waist, as he continued to thrust into her.
"Oh God Embry…I'm coming again," the woman said.
I quickly turned and went back to my car. I sat there for a moment, shaking hard. Some people came out of the bar, laughing and talking loud. I reached over and closed the car door. I turned the key in the ignition and took off, the car fish tailing out of the parking lot. I reached the outer limits of Port Angeles, before I pulled over and brought my still trembling hands to my face. I pressed my palms to my eyes, trying to stop the onslaught that I could feel coming.
A sob escaped my lips and I began to cry so hard I doubled over. My reaction was ridiculous and I cursed myself, even as a fresh wave of tears hit me.
Embry was a free agent. It was stupid of me to even come here. He had his life, and I had mine in Hawaii with my husband. Embry could do whatever he wanted. This was exactly the wake up call I needed. That's what I told myself anyway.
It didn't stop me from feeling…betrayed.
There was no other word or explanation for how I felt right now. I felt betrayed. Seeing Embry with that woman hurt worse than if I had walked in on Ian with someone.
Oh God…Ian!
Shame hit me strong and fierce. I had a wonderful husband who loved and trusted me, and I almost threw him away for a womanizing pig. I was going to run back to Ian and never look back. This trip was the worst mistake I had ever made in my life. I was going to make sure I forgot all about Embry Call.
And with that resolve firmly in my head, I shifted the car back into drive and headed back to the airport.
A/N – Poor Embry really has the worst luck. I loved reading your theories about this chapter. Some of you even guessed that she was there. ;) Okay, you've finally heard Rebecca's POV. Let me know what you think! Please Review.
