Life Partners
Chapter 9
I am sick and tired of everyone always asking me what the fuck is wrong with me! I hate it because it is none of their damn business! I just want to be left alone. No one needs to know what happened to me and besides if they did, they would only feel sorry for me and treat me like a fucking victim and that is the last damn thing I need. I don't need anyone's help or their sympathy. I can deal with this on my own. It is my life and sometimes people just need to stay the hell out of it! I hate it because here I am sulking and blaming myself for the things that happened to me; who else do I have to blame? I mean none of this fucking shit would have ever happened if I stayed home and did not go to the bar to get drunk. I would be perfectly fine if I did not go to that fucking bar, but no my dumb ass had to go and get drunk. Now look what happened to me. I was becoming something I knew I wasn't. I constantly stayed in my room drinking. Hell, I even broke up with Missy over a stupid little fight. It's like I just let everything get to me and once I take so much shit I just feel like I am about to explode. I know what happened to me was my fault; I have no one else to blame except for myself, and I can't live with that fact. I can't live with the fact knowing that if I had stayed home everything would be perfectly alright. I hate myself for what I did. No one will ever understand that.
I sat on my bed in just a pair of my black boxers with the beer in my hand, which I practically killed Novak for. Taking a big swig of the bitter beverage, I reached underneath my bed and pulled out my little black box. I removed a shiny piece of metal and slowly ran it across my finger. Not as sharp as I would like for it to be, but it was sharp none the less and would still do what I need it to do. This is the only way I can control my life and my pain. I had no control over what had happened to me and this is the only way I can feel relief and control the pain too. I didn't want to make it too obvious on my wrists therefore it resulted on me using my pale thighs as a new canvas for my slashing.
Slowly as I scraped the metal down my flesh it split in two as crimson fluid begin seeping through the tear. The pain was not as intense, neither was the blood flow but it still gave me what I needed and what I wanted. It felt so good, but one cut was never enough. I did it again and watched as the blood dripped from the fresh opening. I was able to do it at least three more times before someone pounded on my door. I rolled my eyes as I quickly stuffed my little black box back in its hiding spot.
"What?" I yelled
"Bam, it's Novak, what are you doing?"
"Nothing", I lied as I wiped the blood from my skin.
"We need to talk Bam", he demanded.
Knowing Novak, he was not going to give up until he got something out of me. So I decided I might as well tell him a little bit, but for fuck sakes I wasn't going to tell him I was ass raped by some faggot. I opened the door and motioned for him to come into my room.
"Bam, sweetheart, I am really worried about you." He said calmly.
"I understand that, but this is something that I have to live with. No one would understand it." I mumbled.
"Of course they won't understand anything because you won't tell them anything." He said looking me directly into the eyes. I could see they were filled with care and concern. I looked away quickly.
"Don't worry Novak, I am starting to handle it better and everything should be better tomorrow." I lied keeping my dark secret to myself.
"Alright Bam-Bam", he said as he walked out the door shutting it behind him.
I hate my life anymore. I can't sleep because it haunts my mind. I can still feel everything that is being done to be, but I am unable to move, unable to stop them from taking advantage of me. With their disgusting hands all over my body, and their fingers probing at my ass continuously haunts me each night. I think I am beginning to lose touch with reality because I am always doing and saying shit that I don't mean or that I normally wouldn't do. I just feel all alone and completely empty inside. The world is moving but I just stand here perfectly still watching time pass me by.
With each day it is harder for me to get out of bed and go on about the day. I can't remember the last time my stomach had consumed something other than alcohol. Hell, I even started smoking, but I would never let anyone know. I constantly remained in my room tearing my skin open with the shiny metal that provided the only relief I have known.
Downstairs I could hear everyone celebrating Dunn's arrival back home. Hell, usually I would be the first one hugging and embracing him, but now it's not. I don't want him to notice that something is wrong with me because if he does he won't quit bothering until I tell him, and I can't do that, no not to Ryan. I decided I better make an appearance downstairs so I ran my fingers through my messy hair and thru on my 69Eyes shirt and walked downstairs into the crowd of people.
"Well, look I guess the Millionaire has finally decided to join us." Novak stated.
"Yeah, I just woke up." I lied.
I saw that smile on Ryan's face. The smile that lets me know that he missed me whenever he returns back from long trips; slowly I felt a smile creeping on my face as I embraced him tightly. It felt so good to hold him in my arms.
"I missed you Bammie", he mumbled against my ear.
"I missed you too, Random", I whispered.
I wish I could stay like that forever, in Ryan's arms. I felt so safe from everything. I was content for the first time in weeks. Pulling away from me, Ryan looked me directly in the eyes. I tried to look away, but his emerald green eyes had a hold on me that I was unable to break.
"Bam, you don't look too healthy. Are you alright?" Dunn asked with his eyes full of concern.
