Howdy-doodly-doo. Right – Chapter 8 – back into the story. I know I'm diverging a little from the film adaptations, but some of the circumstances are a little amusing in the books. I love the books, otherwise I wouldn't be writing after them, and all jokes are in good fun. Nothing vindictive. Before we start, I'll give shout outs to reviewers, as they've put up with a lot over the past two chapters.

J Black – Glad you understood the jokes – although I think it's a little much to expect you to have got Chapter 7. But back to making sense now – I hope.

Lycanthropalicious – Gollum/Smeagol is one of the greatest creations ever, so I've stolen him. He says hi – actually SMEAGOL says hi, Gollum said something rude along the line of filthy little hobbitses. But that's just his way.

Captain Jack – Thanks for your compliments for Chappie 6 – but as for Chappie 7 – no it wasn't good. I have no problem saying this, what can I say? I was extremely tired. Think of it as a dream sequence.

Chantal J – Yey, your reviews make me happy happy happy. Swiss referees still make me sad sad sad.

Kitty-kitty – I know – it's terrible the lack of Pratchett knowledge in the world. We should go on a crusade to enlighten everyone.

s91 – Wow! You logged in. And then you didn't. It's a good thing you amuse me friend! ;-)

Alice Dodgson – I don't hate Cuaron as much as it may appear – but I was mad at how much Sirius and Remus were left out... like from the map and everything. Those guys are the best. Were the best. Sob.

Marauder-obsessed – eeek! Hides behind a JT poster. Look – like him – like him! Sorry! JT is cool and the Darkness are quite frankly rubbish. Forgiven?

black rider – haha – yes I have been to America, but I was too busy gawping at how big everything is (and talking to Mickey Mouse) to study you guys. However, my best friend is American and he gives me a pretty good insight! When he's not beating me up.

Ashlee-Fergie – Don't worry – you don't have a narrow Australian mind – I just have a very twisted, odd and unfunny sense of humour!

Geek gurl – Woah – you don't do things by halves do you? It was GREAT to come home after an exam to an inbox full of compliments, thankyou. Made my day.

Silver-sunn101 – I'm glad you like the trashy comments. I've had a few complaints, but the flow so easily, I can't stop them gushing out. Remus, Sirius and chocolate sauce in the post to you now.

WOLF8 – I'm guessing you like slash eh? Well, savour the last few chapters, cos due to some comments I'm gonna tone it down a bit for a little while. But Remus's gutter mind is unpredictably hard to control.

PhiloNysh – teehee – giggling with embarrassment. Thankyou.

Trixipixi – oooh – love your name. As for Lupin – I have replaced him with Sean Bean (Boromir/006 et al) but if you don't like him insert alternative hottie [here]

StruffoxCheese – It would be my privilege to try and make a hopefully less sad girl laugh. If you want more hilarity, I suggest you check out White Hole, an episode of Red Dwarf (Brit comedy) that Talkie Toaster comes from. Not that I use things like Kazaa myself or anything. [shifty eyes]

SiriusBlack161 – Sorry you don't like the slash – it just amuses me is all. But look at the chapter – see? No slash.

Phinea – Wow – a Lupus... fan. That makes me happy. Will hopefully be updating that soon. Loved the Prongs/Padfoot exchange – but keep off Palin – he's mine. My own, my preciousssss.

Elise – Well you recognised more than most. But the toaster is from Red Dwarf – I think the one you know is some cartoon called The Littlest Magical Talking Happy Toaster ... or something like that.

Jellybaybee555 – Hope the Pepsi's dried off!

Moon Archer – A Mary Sue is a fan fic slang term. It basically means when female fans add an OC (original character) which is them, but how they'd wish to be – e.g – perfect skin, perfect figure, beautiful, funny, gets along with everyone and has all the male characters fighting over her. She'll be ace at schoolwork, probably play Quidditch pro and be apparating already etc. If she's not with Harry, she'll be a cool Slytherin that converts Draco and hangs about with everyone. The male version is a Gary Stu.

ImySelfDontKnow – Thankyou – I can't use the word kickass though – it sounds weird in my British accent. Jolly good review though!

VioletFemme19 – You're lucky to like the Remus guy. Sigh. Look out for more Weasley with flamethrowers in the next few chapters... poor guys.

Mouldywort – Wow – I've had more declarations of love over the reviews than I have in the past 5 years. Wait, that's quite sad... sob.

Sailor-J-something-else-cause-Icant-remember-the-rest-ofyour-name – FEB?! Goddammit!!! Give it us nowww.. my precious my love.

Socks and muffin mittens – lol – I'm trying to extract a compliment from the sarcasm to massage my ego. To hell with it – I loved your review so much it doesn't matter if I'm told I'm incoherent – CHEERS. :-)

Book addict – Done and done!

Chapter 8 – The not even slightly eventful Hearing.

Harry has already gone to his hearing. Although we know he's going to be let back into Hogwarts we still feel the need to see this spectacle. Although there is no suspense whatsoever. However hard you try and create tension, we KNOW he'll get back in. We might as well watch, but there's no need to rush.

As we finally amble in through the doors, we see Harry already sat down on a chair in the centre of a forbidding room. The room is familiar, as we've already seen it in Dumbledore's pensieve showing Barty Crouch Jnr's trial. At least we hope we have. You never know with Cuaron's big scissors. Although its not gonna be him is it? Perhaps the new guy will have a Tipp- Ex gun instead and aim it at random passages. Anyway, enough ranting about exclusions...

AUDIENCE: OK, so we know Fudge is there... check. Hopefully
we'll recognise him vfrom the previous films, to his left is an
austere woman, firm but fair we imagine, designed to show what a
biased idiot Fudge is no doubt, and to the right ... hmmmm ...

JKR: On Fudge's right was another witch, but she was sitting so
far back on the bench that her face was in shadow.

AUDIENCE: Yes, thankyou. Very subtle. Ooooh, the unbelievable
tension. Who is this mystery figure? Someone evil no doubt?
Showing the corruption inherent in the system? Probably going to
have some wide reaching effect on Harry's world later, which is
why her introduction must be delayed to a poignant time.

JKR: Shut up smart arses.

FUDGE: Interrogators ...

FUDGE begins to name himself and the ladies, with plenty of
pauses to allow the slow-witted to digest this new information

FUDGE: ... Court Scribe, Percy Ignatius Weasley.

½ AUDIENCE: Weasley? Weasley? That name rings a bell... have we
met a Percy Weasley before?

½ AUDIENCE: Who cares? He's not Harry, ergo not important.

PRODUCTION: Thankyou.

½ AUDIENCE: Percy... Percy... hmmm I'm sure I've heard it before.
Next you'll be saying you don't know who Fred and George are.

½ AUDIENCE: Fred and who?

FRED & GEORGE: AAAAAAAAAARGH! Recognise our greatness!

PRODUCTION: Shut up – focus back on Harry.

FUDGE: Anyway, Court Scribe, Percy Ignatius Weasley.

DUMBLEDORE: Witness for the Defence, Albus Percival a-lot-of-
weird-names-to-show-how-mystical-and-yet-strange-I-am-followed-
by-Brian-tomake-you-laugh-and-me-appear-odd-yet-grounded
Dumbledore.

The AUDIENCE and CHARACTERS are aghast at his enormous presence.

FUDGE: Ah, Dumbledore. Truly you are my superior ah, hmm,
and yes, well erm I will show this by a new found ability, um,
to delay my words, and ah, mess up simple sentences. Ah. Oh, the
power you have over lesser wizards.

DUMBLEDORE: Hurry up man, I'm supposed to be in and out in a
matter of minutes, sorting everything out with no trouble at all
– thus displaying my superb intellect and reasoning - and then
abandoning Harry so the ungrateful little sod feels ignored and
rejected.

FUDGE: Very well then. I will read the charges in an
obscenely rapid manner not allowing Harry any time to defend
himself. As I am a very one-dimensional character I can be
flipped from incapable and inept Harry and Dumbledore lover, to
ambitious power obsessed bastard over the course of 2 months.
Hurrah for me.

HARRY: I can produce a Patronus.

MME BONES: Wow! I am yet another person to be astonished by
your genius. You are probably the only wizard of your age to
produce one.

FUDGE: He's the only one to be bloody taught. Fainting at
Dementors. Bloody wimp. What about Luna, or Ginny, or Neville?
They have horrors, very REAL horrors in their past. Or Snape or
Lupin? Imagine THEIR childhoods. Bet they never got preferential
treatment.

HARRY: I did it because of the Dementors.

FUDGE: Yeah, sure. Like the time you kept seeing the Grim?
These are delusions of self importance. Since this is such a
ridiculous story I could be forgiven for being sceptical, but
I'm supposed to be a git so I'm just being unreasonable.

MRS FIGG: I saw them, too! They were running down the
alleyway...

MME BONES: Dementors don't run, they glide.

CUARON: Hem-hem. Actually, they fly.

FUDGE: They do not! They glide above the ground, in a
menacing manner.

CUARON: I think you'll find that they fly, like torn bin
bags in the wind.

FUDGE: That's too fantastical, it's not menacing.

CUARON: Is.

FUDGE: Isn't.

CUARON: Is too

FUDGE: Is not.

CUARON: It is SO.

DUMBLEDORE: Children, calm yourselves. This is not the matter
under discussion.

WITCHES: Oooh, Dumbledore. You are so serene and calm. Tell
us what you think should be done and we will follow your wise
council.

DUMBLEDORE: Harry should get away with anything he chooses to
do.

WITCHES: Righty-ho.

FUDGE: But, but... did you even listen to the woman? She's
clearly crazy and not a convincing witness at all!

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, isn't it strange? Even in a fair trial her
account would be in doubt, but I hold such unnatural sway over
people that they – handily – go for the truth.

FUDGE: But the boy's an idiot – he gets up to all sorts in
school.

DUMBLEDORE: Fortunately for me, there's a previously unmentioned
clause that means you can't do anything about that.

UMBRIDGE: May I speak?

JKR: He thought she looked just like a large pale toad. She was
rather squat with a broad flabby face, as little neck as Uncle
Vernon and a very wide, slack mouth. Her eyes were large round
and slightly bulging.

HARRY: Ugh! What a hideous figure. She MUST be evil.

AUTHOR: No – can't – resist... mustn't compare Umbridge to...

JKR: The witch spoke in a fluttery, girlish high pitched voice.

UMBRIDGE: Hem hem. I wouldn't mention that Fudge has no power
at the school Dumbledore, oh, too late. He's a teensy bit
inclined to do something about that.

HARRY: Like what? Send you as a spy?

AUTHOR: I'm sorry. I can't resist. She just looks too much
like her.

UMBRIDGE: (begins to sound like Roz from Monsters Inc.)
Wazowski – you didn't file your paperwork last night ... hem hem,
(sweet again) ... indeed my dear boy.

FUDGE: Right – enough of this. Are we gonna sentence this
boy – who has a history of breaking the rules, leading others
into danger, inflating his aunt, and generally being cocky – or
do we accept his quite frankly unbelievable tale?

All look at Dumbledore, who nods.

WIZENGAMOT: Let him go!

FUDGE: WHAT? What a surprise!

AUDIENCE: Yeah. Sure.

FUDGE: Alright then. I'll disgrace myself by accepting this
grumpily, but – cleared of all charges.

The AUDIENCE promptly dies of shock.