Two chapters today for the price of one! The movie I went to see yesterday was very enjoyable, but I didn't get home until late and pretty much fell asleep when I did, so here's chapters 8 and 9 today to make up for it. :D
Title: Ash on the windowsill
Rating: PG-13.
Pairing: Kurogane x Fai
Summary: AU. It's the end of the world, and Fai is still keeping secrets.
Warnings: this fic contains mentions of child abuse, some (minor) character death and some quite probably inaccurate medical jargon.
Other notes: This fic is complete - I will be posting a new chapter every day as I go through and edit it.
They sheltered that night in an old cave in a rocky area of the hills, and this time Kurogane was able to start a fire for them. The dry, brittle branches caught easily but burned fast, and Kurogane tossed some of the trash from the cave onto the bonfire to provide more fuel. He had a pot in amidst his travelling gear, and it took the both of them to set it up over the fire on a crude tripod. Fai took it on himself to fill it with some of the water Kurogane had brought while Kurogane went to sort out more.
That had, more or less, become Kurogane's forte. There were no animals to set traps for - just the ash beasts, if you wanted meat - so Kurogane spent his time doing something tricky involving plastic sheeting, holes in the dirt and canteens to collect condensation; Fai didn't know or, really, care. He just knew that Kurogane could make water appear overnight even when it didn't rain. It was a good skill to have, he supposed.
It had stormed again shortly before twilight, and another bunch of ash beasts had come out of the ground - out of the almost thin-air itself, as far as Fai knew - to attack them. The result was the dripping bit of meat clouding up the water in the pot, still red and bloody. The blood would probably make a decent stock, Fai supposed. Kurogane had brought a small twist of salt in amidst his bags, and Fai was keeping it on hand along with some wizened potatoes and an onion that looked like it had seen better years, let alone days. With any luck, it would all lead to a half-decent stew.
Fai had always liked cooking. He'd never been allowed to do it regularly; first there had been his... childhood home, which they spent in either the temple or their room, then there had been the Palace, where servants had eagerly awaited on him; and then the College, where he simply hadn't had the time. He took the med school classes during the day, but he had to catch up on war magic during the evening, with Ashura patiently tutoring him through the principles.
Then there had been the village, where people took it upon themselves to make his meals, steamrolling right over his careful, oh-so-polite refusals.
When Kurogane came back in he was stirring the meat in the pot with Kurogane's knife, a thick serrated blade more appropriate for stabbing monsters to death than cutting meat for cooking, but it was what they had and what they would have to make do with. Kurogane himself didn't comment on it, just padding over to sit opposite Fai, the fire between them. "When's dinner?" he said.
It was the first time he'd spoken since his questioning by the dead river. Fai considered ignoring him, then decided against it. It was eerily quiet, out here in the deep wilderness. Any voice was a refreshing change from his own, running snidely through his head. "Half an hour," he said. "The meat isn't even brown yet."
"Never seen you cook before," Kurogane said, with his uncanny ability to echo Fai's thoughts. "You learn that at med school?"
"No." Fai carefully turned the hank of meat over. Maybe he should have diced it. "I learned it after I left. I like cooking."
"Someone has to," Kurogane said, eyeing the pot. "Never saw you ask Kusanagi or Yuzuriha for their cooking stuff, so..."
Fai stirred the water, then drew the knife out of the pot and delicately tapped it against the rim to coax a few droplets from the rim. "Kusanagi and Yuzuriha have enough to carry," he said. "I dislike asking them for anything but the essentials. And the people of the village were very kind about sharing their food. Too kind."
Kurogane snorted. "You're the medic," he said, scornfully. "Of course they'll make you meals. Half of 'em think you're too fucking skinny."
That coaxed a smile out of Fai before he could stop himself. Hastily he smoothed his expression back into a neutral one. "I've always been this way," he said. "My tutor used to worry about me when I was studying war magic."
"Yeah," Kurogane said, "I'm sure." He had Ginryuu across his lap, and now he bent to resume rubbing at her length with a rag, his head bowed and his eyes intent on his task; for some reason the sight sent a flash of warmth through Fai's belly and he looked away, uncomfortable. "I always wondered what it was you guys actually did. Weren't there international treaties against actually using you in warfare?"
Fai nodded. "A long time ago, yes," he said, keeping his eyes on the pot; in his peripheral vision he could see Kurogane was still polishing his sword, and it was making him even more uncomfortable. "We mostly just policed magical threats. Rogue sorcerers attempting dangerous spells; terrorists plotting to use magic - that sort of thing. We can 'see' other spellcasters' magic."
Which is why you confuse me so much, he thought to himself. I can't see you, but... but I think you have some.
"Dangerous spells? Like, explosives?" Kurogane had his head tilted to one side. His hand had stilled, fingers splayed out, resting casually over his sword's steel body.
"That's one kind of danger." The water was bubbling faster; Fai slid the knife back into the pot and stirred the meat. "Others involve less physical damage, but can be just as dangerous. I told you the simplified version of why magic is all screwed up, right? That the first storm broke the leylines - the power lines through which magic travels, kind of like electrical power lines?"
"Yeah," Kurogane said. "You talked about wild magic. I don't get the difference."
"Wild magic is... sentient, of sorts," Fai said. "It's capricious and nearly impossible to get results out of. Some kinds of magicians can use it to a limited extent, like Sorata and his weather-witch ways; others get along just fine with wild magic, like dreamseers or... or precognitives..."
He trailed off. Kurogane's mouth pulled into a scowl; his eyes were on his sword. "Yeah," he said. "I see. But not your kind, right?"
Fai shook his head. "Not unless it feels like cooperating with us," he said, in a small voice. "Sometimes it will work with us until the very last second, then change its mind. It's dangerous. Especially for a healing mage. Imagine if you almost have a man or woman cured, and then the wild magic decides to backfire or worse, surge, so you put far too much magic in someone's body. You don't just cure them - you make certain cells practically immortal."
"Like cancer," Kurogane hazarded, which was such a surprisingly isnightful comment Fai was pretty sure he gawked. Kurogane snorted in a kind of cruel amusement.
"Yeah," Fai agreed. "Like cancer, in a way."
"Shame you guys didn't see the first storm coming," Kurogane said. He lifted his sword, turned it over so he could polish the other side. "Maybe you could've stopped it."
"We tried," Fai said, before he could catch himself, and Kurogane looked up sharply. "What?"
Fai bit his lip, but it was too late to pretend. Kurogane's red eyes were blazing. "Um."
"You tried? You saw it coming? What happened?"
"Remember I said that a spell doesn't have to have a physical effect to be dangerous?" Fai tried. "There are certain other spells people can try that um, can potentially break the world."
"Like what," Kurogane demanded. He'd given up on cleaning the weapon - he was leaning forward, eyes sharp and red and watchful.
But, most critical of all, healing magic cannot be used to return someone from the dead.
"Resurrection," Fai said quietly. "Attempting to bring back a life that has already ended. Nobody's ever done it - it's impossible. Trying would destroy everything; the amount of power necessary - it can't be done. But someone tried."
"Who?" Kurogane snapped, and Fai swallowed.
(This is the man, Ashura said, poised and still in the conference room. Fai glanced around at the other members of the Council; pale-faced, grim. We know what he is trying to do. We know how he is trying to do it. The amount of power he has raised is of such magnitude, ladies and gentlemen, that I strongly doubt we will survive this fight.
Nods all around. People knew. They'd been able to work it out for themselves. Fai glanced down at the photograph in his hand, watched the way it crumpled in his white-fingered grip.
We have five hours, Ashura continued. Go home and say goodbye to your loved ones. I do not think any of us will see them again. And remember - this is the price we are promised to pay. Our lives for the world; it's all we've got.)
"His name was Fei Wang Reed," Fai said softly. "He was a sorcerer like none we've seen before, and he - and he was trying to raise the dead. He had so much power, Kurogane, none of us had ever seen anything like it before. And we knew the only way we could stop him from shattering the world was by surrounding him and boxing his magic in, containing the blast; and we knew we would die doing it, but that was what we had to do, you see? That was our price for having the powers we had."
Kurogane was staring at him, his face impassive. The flames of the fire made the shadows at the edges of his mouth deeper, darker. "Your price," he said, derisive. "Like you had a choice." He sighed, looked away. "You're still here," he said. "What happened?"
Fai ducked his head. "I... it's..." The meat was boiling and suddenly, suddenly he felt the old flightiness rise, faint terror in his chest, clogging his throat. He tossed the potatoes in and climbed to his feet, dropping the dagger, and took a few steps back from the fire, wrapping his arms around his chest like he couldn't fight back his shivers; he was cold but it was somewhere deep inside, nothing to do with external temperature.
"I'm sorry, Kurogane. I don't want to talk about it," he said, firm. He looked Kurogane in the eye, searching; for censure, or sympathy, or worse, anger. He didn't know. He didn't see any of it. "I didn't have a choice. Sometimes plans go awry, Kurogane. So did this one."
Kurogane sighed. "Go figure," he muttered, then, abruptly, "Wait. This - this suicidal blast containment, this - this is why you're out here?"
"What?" Fai could feel his own surprise in how his heart was suddenly thudding in his chest. He tried to grin. "Kurogane, where did you -"
"You think you should have died back there," Kurogane said, slowly, like he was puzzling it out as he talked. He climbed to his feet. "Fuck, this explains - that's why you're out here without water or food, you fucking idiot -"
"Kurogane, really," Fai said. He tried to laugh. It felt more like a cackle, and a frightened one at that. "Where do you come up with these things, I -"
Kurogane was coming around the fire, bristling. "Listen, you fucking moron," he snarled. "I don't care if you ran away, I don't - I don't fucking care if that was why the world ended, you don't just get to kill yourself now and act like that fucking fixes anything -"
"Well, maybe it will!" Fai snapped back, his belly roiling and tight with something nameless. "I, I shouldn't have - I shouldn't have let myself - What business is it of yours?"
"Because it's fucking pathetic!" Kurogane roared. "Dying won't fix fuck all, you raging moron! The village needs you as its doctor, not some pathetic moping -"
Fai laughed. It sounded shrill in his own ears, desperate. "But that's me, Kurogane. I'm a coward and an idiot and there is no point to me, you said it yourself - they'll get by with Subaru and Saiga, they don't need me -"
Steel whistled through the air. Fai flinched, but Kurogane had absolute control; his sword slid to a halt resting lightly against Fai's throat. "If you want to die so bad," Kurogane said, "Then I'll kill you myself, you fucking moron."
Fai's heart was thudding a fast tempo in his chest, longing and adrenaline and most of all, terror. "Yes," he said, feeling the blade pressing against his Adam's apple. "Yes, go ahead, I -"
Kurogane pushed, and Fai recoiled instinctively as the silvery sword cut into his skin; watched as Kurogane's mouth curved into a feral smile. For a moment they remained still, poised that way; Kurogane's attack, Fai's survival response, strong and vivid and clear for anyone to see, but anyone wasn't here right now, just Kurogane.
"Looks like your body didn't get the suicidal memo," he said.
Fai swallowed, raised a shaky hand and pressed it to the cut - the scratch, really. There was wetness under the pads of his fingers; Kurogane had drawn blood. "This -" He had to break off, clear his throat. His voice was hoarse and husky. "This doesn't mean anything," he said. "It's just biology."
"Isn't everything we do, in the end?" Kurogane slid Ginryuu back into her sheath. His eyes were gleaming bright with knowing. "We'll see, idiot. Sit down and finish the food."
"I want to die," Fai said quietly. It was the first time he'd voiced it out loud. "I want to die, Kurogane."
Kurogane waved a hand negligently. "I'll get to it," he said. "When the time is right."
Fai went back to the cookpot.
Kurogane was up to his arms in ash beast guts when it came to him that he wanted to kiss Fai.
It wasn't a big realisation. Maybe it should have been; Kurogane had known he was gay for some time but never before had he had a thought like that about one specific guy. Still, that was how it was; post-hunt, Fai picking his way through the corpses of the back as the last flecks of ash alighted on his face and clothing, the slippery, hot blood of the creature's innards under Kurogane's hands as he dressed the carcass. Its heart was in his palm. Maybe that meant something, too, but all he knew was that Fai had that line between his brows and Kurogane kind of wanted to lift that filtermask out of the way and kiss him.
Now who's the fucking idiot, he cursed himself, yanking savagely and stepping aside as the creature's guts slithered out of the slash in its belly, wet and steaming in the chill late autumn air.
Following their confrontation the other night things between them had become even more frosty and tense; Fai wasn't talking to him more than the barest minimum, aloof and withdrawn. It had been his turn in the sleeping bag last night - they alternated every night, nowadays - he had slept quite pointedly with his back to Kurogane, huddled up small and tight under the covers.
He'd called for someone named Ashura in the night. Just once, but it was enough; enough for Kurogane to be suspicious. His grasp of Taishakuten's advisors wasn't great - he'd read the papers every now and then in the old days, but hardly frequently. He still knew the name. Duke Ashura, the leader of the Council of Seven, the war mages who served under the King. Probably if Fai's magic had been discovered young, Ashura would have been his teacher; and if his childhood had been as rough as Kurogane suspected, he might well have been the first person to show Fai kindness.
If there was any kindness in taking in a damaged child and twisting him all up in the head, so that he thought his life, his actions, his choices should be forsaken in service to the King.
Still, Fai was ignoring him as he picked his way through the dead, so he busied himself hacking at the tough scaled hide. This ash beast was about the size of a deer, and kind of looked like one, horns and cloven hooves and all; it also had a long rat-like tail tipped with a two-foot barb and a mouth lined with layers of teeth, not unlike a shark. It had five eyes. The meat would still be edible, though, and earlier today they'd found an overhang fostering a collection of mushrooms. Kurogane had gone through them, very carefully, picking out which ones were edible; they'd also found a bushel of wild onions, which were less than stellar but would help add some variety to their diet. They still had the cheese Kurogane had brought with him from the village.
It wasn't the best, but it had been a long time since that had been an option. Kurogane missed fish. The rivers around the village were contaminated by the ash, and it had been too long since he'd had a good bite of sushi.
Finally he straightened up, meat slung over his shoulder, the blood leaking down his bare back; but it wouldn't soak through to his skin and that was what mattered. On the other side of the battlefield Fai glanced up sharply. He still held Kurogane's gun.
"C'mon," said Kurogane. "Let's get out of here."
Fai nodded, but he didn't say anything. The red line of the scratch Ginryuu had left against his throat was still vivid against his pale skin.
Lucky kid, he'd said his name meant. Maybe there was something to that.
"You think the ash beasts were created fresh in the first storm?" Kurogane asked, as they made their way out of the gully they'd stuck out the attack in.
Fai shook his head. "They used to be normal animals once," he said, like it was common knowledge, and Kurogane nodded. He'd suspected that for a while. Fai's voice was distant and unemotional.
You do not want to kiss him, Kurogane reminded himself grumpily. He's an idiot and you'd probably set him off angsting.
Still. He wanted to. More fool him.
They made about five more miles that day, well and truly into the mountain lowlands by now. The forest had been left behind, and what they had now was scruffy fields of rocks and shallow cliffs. They wouldn't be scaling the things, not as far as Kurogane knew. There was a valley they could take, between them.
That night they sheltered in a small crack in the cliff walls, hardly even a cave. It was bone-white and empty inside, and there wasn't enough room to fit more than the two of them, pitched side by side in the dark. Fai whispered Ashura's name in his sleep, and Kurogane lay awake, his arms folded behind his head and his sword at his hip, and wondered what Fai would think if he turned his head - just a little, that would be all - and brought their mouths together. Regret, probably.
Irritably he pulled Ginryuu over to him, coaxing her out of her sheath - difficult in this small cramped space, but not impossible - and setting her across his lap. His whetstone was in his pocket, as always, and angrily he bent over the blade, bringing the rock along her edge; snickt, snickt, snickt.
Fai jerked awake next to him, raising a head of wild hair, blue eyes bleary but clearly startled. Kurogane froze in what he was doing, confused; watched as Fai blinked and looked at him, more rattled than he expected. "Uh," he said. "What the hell?"
"Scissors,"Fai said groggily. "Thought I heard scissors."
"What?" Kurogane's brow furrowed, but Fai had caught sight of the whetstone in his hand, was already relaxing.
"It's nothing," said Fai sleepily. "Good night, Kurogane."
And without another word he lay back down, back still to Kurogane. Kurogane tched under his breath, tetchily, and picked up Ginryuu's sheath, sliding her back in. It'd have to wait until tomorrow. He lay back down, staring up at the ceiling; and then growled under his breath and rolled onto his side, back-to-back with Fai and angry.
The next morning Kurogane woke up early and left the gully before Fai had even begun to uncoil himself; he was a bundle of limbs and wild blond hair down low in the sleeping bag, his arms around his knees. Last night he'd dug watering holes in the hard ground, and now he went to check on them, blearily adjusting his sword belt as he squeezed out of the crevasse, leaving Fai still and quiet behind him. Being near the useless bastard wasn't helping.
The holes were fairly easy. His dad had taught him how to do it, a while ago; his father had been a general of Emperor Rondart's Imperial Army, a soldier who had seen difficult and dangerous survival campaigns. He had taught Kurogane how to dig the holes, stretch out the plastic over them - 'we used our parachutes, when I was there,' he'd said, laughing. Kurogane's mother had just smiled at him fondly. Then you put a saucer or cup down in the middle of the hole, dented the parachute or plastic so that its lowest point was right over the cup, and weighed the plastic down around the edges of the hole with stones. Then you left it. The condensation would gather on the plastic and make its way down to the low point, where it dripped into the cup.
It'd been working wonderfully so far, and Kurogane topped one of the water cantons up to fill with the condensation, but the third... the third had caught something that definitely wasn't water.
"What the fuck," Kurogane said, staring down into the hole. The little creature at the bottom squirmed and cried out pitifully. It had been drinking the water in the saucer when Kurogane had checked on it; the stones had not been enough to keep the plastic in place when the white... thing had stepped on it, and had collapsed, dumping the creature at the bottom of the pit.
That wasn't really a problem - they had more than enough water - but what was a problem was that the creature shouldn't be here. It was skinny as hell and fluffy, but there were no living animals beyond the village; no birds, no nothing. The ash and the monsters had killed them all off. Unable to stop himself, more curious than anything, Kurogane leaned forward, reaching into the pit and grabbing the writhing white thing by the scruff of its little neck; its paws flailed pathetically at the air and it meeped at him. Its eyes were red, like its little pink tongue.
The idiot should see this, Kurogane thought suddenly, and was unable to keep his mouth from curving into a grin.
Fai was awake when Kurogane returned, sitting out front of the crevice and folding the sleeping bag up. He had dark circles under his eyes and his hair was wild and mussed; the collar of his jacket had been opened a button, and the scratch looked almost fresh.
"Oi," Kurogane said, unable to keep some of the glee from his voice. "Look what I found getting water."
"Kurogane, I'm not..." Fai's voice trailed off and his eyes widened. "Is that a fox kit?"
Kurogane shrugged. "It fell down one of the water pits I made," he said. "Look after it, will you?"
And without further ado, he dumped the fox kit in Fai's lap. Fai flinched, but his wide-eyed, bewildered expression didn't let up. "How can -" he checked - "She be here? All the foxes are dead, like everything else!"
"Yeah," said Kurogane, "And yet, here she is."
The fox kit squirmed in Fai's hands.
"What is she, like, an arctic fox? They're white, right?"
"No," Fai said absently. "She's got black socks... I think she's some kind of albino. Oh, we shouldn't've handled her, Kurogane... her mother won't take her back if she smells like us..."
"I didn't see a mum," Kurogane said. "Just her, at the bottom of my pit."
Fai swallowed and glanced up at Kurogane, looking worried. "I'm going to try giving her some of the meat from yesterday. She's so skinny..."
Kurogane hesitated. "Fine," he said. "It's got nothing to do with me."
"Kurogane!" Fai's cheeks were flushed faintly with colour. "This is the only animal we've ever seen outside the village - she's important, you can't just -"
"Watch me," said Kurogane flatly. "She's your problem."
Fai's blue eyes narrowed. "Fine," he said icily. "I'll look after her for now. She's hungry. I'm going to give her some of our food."
"You do that," Kurogane said, with as much indifference as he could muster. He turned away, watching out of the corner of his eye as Fai unwrapped the meat from its place amidst their backpack; as he carefully tore a small segment out of it using Kurogane knife, fed it to the fox cub with his fingers. She took it from him cautiously, and from the small smile that lit up Fai's face, mission fucking success.
If the blond had nothing better to do than mope around feeling sorry for himself, well, now he had a distraction. And maybe taking care of the stupid fox - because Fai was the type to mother things, the type to care for all that he tried so hard not to - maybe that would remind him there were things, that there were people who needed him. Kurogane was not above playing dirty.
Fai ended up taking the kit with him when they left the campsite midafternoon. He'd fed her so much meat and water her stomach was quite stuffed; she rode in his hood peacefully, popping her head out at random intervals for the rest of the day and meeping. Judging from the soft light in Fai's eyes, Kurogane counted that as a victory, of sorts.
The idiot named her Mokona.
-tbc
