Miss Mary Sue: Final Mix
Disclaimer: Still not owning anything that belongs to Square-Enix or Disney. Or anything else I made reference to in this chapter.
A/N: I apologize for waiting do long to update this, it's mostly because I've been addicted to the Sims and out of the country.
Also, I'm sorry for not replying to reviews- I'm a bit forgetful and I tend to forget which ones I've replied to. But I do read and appreciate every one of them! I'd send you all a basket of cookies if I could.
Chapter 9- Good Day, Mary Sue
If there was one thing Marluxia enjoyed almost as much as gardening and plotting to overthrow Xemnas, it was taking baths.
Well, he had to stay looking his best somehow, right? Hair as fabulous as his just didn't happen on its own. And it was where he did his best thinking, probably since he didn't have to deal with idiots such as Axel or Vexen. Yes, baths were his own "Marly Time", a time which he could never possibly be disturbed since he always made sure to lock the door behind him.
But there was a new reason he loved "Marly Time", a reason that had only occurred in the past few days.
Mary Sue.
Oh, how that girl made his skin crawl. She drove him up the wall, moreso than he was usually driven up said wall. He'd already filed for an online restraining order. The scrap book was the absolute last straw. Why wouldn't she just leave him alone? He would have thought Axel, Demyx, or Zexion were more appealing to the teenage girl populace. Then again, he could see why she was so attracted to him- he was gorgeous, after all.
Suddenly, the white bathroom door (as you could have guessed, the bathroom was just as white as the rest of the castle) was melodramatically kicked down, and in flounced Mary Sue.
"Marly-chancakes! I've booked the reception hall! And some nasty woman called Kate is conspiring to kill me!"
Even though he was in a bubble bath and Mary Sue could therefore not see from his shoulders down, Marluxia proceeded to scream for a solid five minutes. Nobodies are nonexistent, so using some pseudo-science explanation that most fanfiction has at some point, his throat amazingly did not hurt from this.
Marluxia calmed himself down after he had lost feeling in his cheeks. Mary Sue apparently found this the cutest thing in the world. "Wait, darling, hold that pose!"
"What?"
Mary Sue pulled a camera out of hyperspace and snapped a photo of the shell-shocked Graceful Assassin. The new picture came out of the slit at the bottom of the camera, and she placed it in the stalker scrapbook, which Number XI swore wasn't there five minutes ago.
Instead of cursing her out like a mature adult, Marluxia proceeded to scream again. He was probably screaming out of pent-up frustration, anger, disgust, horror…all of those emotions wrapped up and tied with a bow. And he was sort of hoping it would scare her into leaving, but since when had luck been on his side?
As would imagine, this was loud enough for the rest of the Organization to hear, even the ones who normally hung around the basement. This would explain why Axel came barreling in, pushing past Mary Sue and wielding a broom.
"Who died?" he demanded, whacking Number XI with the broom.
Thanking whatever sense he had to use a bubble bath that day, Marluxia yanked the broom from Axel and tossed it at him, quite pissed off now.
"Both of you," he growled. "Get out. NOW."
Numbers XIII and VIII, not wanting to face an enraged Graceful Assassin at the moment, did what they were told for once.
About ten minutes later, Marluxia emerged from the bathroom wearing his pink, floral bathrobe. His "Marly Time" was sufficiently ruined. His arms were folded, and for some reason, he looked quite unhappy.
Processing the ungodly ability to read the atmosphere like some sort of atmosphere-reading goddess, Mary Sue attached herself to Marluxia's arm and rambled on about her own problems.
"Darling, Pumpkin Pie!" The Perfect Angel whined, "some nasty hag is trying to kill me!"
Well, that was certainly the best news he had received all morning, even if part of him thought it was too good to possibly be true. He smiled, for the first time in Kingdom Hearts knows how long.
"Good," he said simply.
"No!" Mary Sue protested, stomping her foot. "You're supposed to be sad and protect me! I'm your lover!"
"I don't have to do anything," Marluxia replied, rather calmly. "You've been annoying the hell out of me for the past two days, not to mention stalking and harassing me. I'd be more than happy to see you go. And frankly, I wouldn't shed a tear. Incase you've forgotten, none of us have hearts anyway, and are therefore incapable of being sad to begin with."
Here is a translation of the previous statement into Mary Sue:
"Of course I will save you, baby cakes! You're my sun, moon, and asteroid belt! I love how you make a cute scrapbook of all our time together! It's simply precious! If you were to die, I'd be beside myself with grief, even if I lack a heart!"
You can only assume which one of these out beloved protagonist heard as she smiled like a yaoi fan girl let loose on an M-rated AkuRoku yaoi fanfic website. "I love you too, darling!"
Now, I'd like to take a mild detour from the misadventures of Marluxia and Mary Sue for a moment. Do you remember the school that keeps getting mentioned? Mary Sue's School For Mary Sue Magic People?
Mary Sue's School For Mary Sue Magic People is located in the clouds above Hogwarts, you see. It is a bright pink castle, which sparkles and has unicorns eating cloud…stuff on the property. There are also rainbow bridges connecting clouds with other parts of the campus, such as the dorms, spa, library, ect. Mary Sues who graduate there go out into the world to infect other universes, only after they pass with flying rainbows in classes such as "Bishies 101", "How to Get Your Man", "Unicorn Safety", "Summoning for the Gorgeous", and "Advanced Sparkling". It's rumored that the final exam for Advanced Sparkling is the toughest in the school.
The headmistress of the school was sitting in her pink office the day after Mary Sue interrupted "Marly Time", at her pink desk, drinking pink-colored coffee out her pink mug (wow, déjà vu?). She was quite a remarkable Sue, by Sue stands, which she likely invented herself (and based off herself, as a matter of fact). She was probably around the age of 78,986,848,997, but looked about 20, since any older than that would be considered to be an old hag. Her bright blue hair was tied neatly into a bun, and her eyes were vibrant pools of electric green, which changed colors with her mood. Her waist was about an inch in diameter, while she wore a J-cup bra. She was tanned in the right spots to add to her perfection, and her pink, sparkly dress only came to about mid-thigh, and was low-cut.
Two white, feathery wings protruded from her back, and she was reclining in her chair. A small, golden crown rested on the top of her head, and she also sported cat ears and a wolf tail. Her name was, of course, Madame Belle, but that was only a nickname, since her full name was somewhere around 866 words.
She was ignoring her paperwork when a timid-looking young man in his early-mid twenties opened the door to her office and invited himself in. Using her Shinigami eyes, she could see his name: Matthew Stone.
His skin was pale, due to many hour spent in front of a computer screen. Behind a pair of glasses were a pair of boring gray eyes, and he also had boring light brown hair. His clothes were rather ordinary as well; a green military-style jacket worn open over a black turtle neck, jeans, and black sneakers.
"Madame Belle," he stated calmly, though there was a hint of nervousness in his tone as he drew his badge. "My name is Matthew Stone of the Mary Sue Slayer Force."
"Ah, yes," Madame Belle said, he voice dripping with boredom. She was clearly not impressed by the timid, lanky man who stood before her. "I've been expecting one of your pitiful 'agents' to drop by. You sent some woman here the other day to make an empty threat about destroying my establishment."
"That wasn't an empty threat," Matt said firmly, "we gave you a few days to surrender yourself and your students, but you refused. Now we're going to destroy the school in roughly fifteen minutes."
Oh, well, that was the kind of news that could really dampen someone's day.
"L-LIES!" Madame Belle screamed, jumping up out of her seat. Her eyes turned blood red. Matt, scared out of his mind at this point, kept a hand on the gun he had in the pocket of his jacket. He was under orders not to shoot as long as she didn't attack him; the noise from shooting her would disturb the other Sues and they would flee the building, making the venture useless, not to mention the fact that Matt hated guns to begin with.
He had to get out of there in fifteen minutes.
"No, I'm not," Matt said shakily. "N-Not at all. We warned you and offered to just arrest you and you s-students instead of destroying the school, but you didn't listen. This s-school has been a mass producer of Sues since the dawn of the Sue A-Age."
Madame Bell couldn't believe it! He had to be lying! This couldn't be happening! He was just some idiot, rookie Sue Slayer, trying to scare her! This was all hogwash, or whatever that meant!
Hogwash…that's right. That's all it was.
Regaining herself, Madame Belle smiled so calmly it was unsettling and sat back down in her chair. She folded her hands in her lap. "I suggest you leave. I do not appreciate poppycock in my office, boy."
She actually knows what 'poppycock' means? Matt thought, then shook his head a bit. Focus. "…Fine, suit yourself. Don't say we didn't warn you."
The Sue Slayer turned and walked right out of the office. He only started sprinting when he was a good forty feet from it, when he'd realized how much time he wasted. He needed to get out there! He pushed past a bunch of giggling Mary Sues as he made his was down the sparkly stairs and out the door. He didn't stop running until he was safe distance from the main building of the school, with a minute or two to spare. He ducked behind a random unicorn with a kitten tattooed on its butt as there was a huge explosion.
Matt didn't even realized he'd tightly closed his eyes until he slowly opened them several minutes after the explosion. Where the school once stood was a smoldering pile of ash sprinkled with glitter and confetti. Even the rainbow bridges were destroyed. The unicorn he was hiding behind seemed largely unfazed and continued grazing on cloud…stuff.
He knew that getting rid of that school wasn't going to eliminate the Sues, nor stop them; they'd only reduced the number by a tiny fraction, and they'd certain hadn't stopped them from coming. They'd just stopped one of the many sources, which was a victory in itself.
The Sue Slayer breathed a sigh of relief, just as his cellphone started to vibrate in his pocket.
"Hello?"
"Hey, dorkface."
Matt smiled. He'd know that voice anywhere. "Hey, Kate. What's up?"
"The Sue school just got blown up, right?" Kate asked.
"Yeah…the headmistress wouldn't listen to me. It went smoother than expected," Matt replied, glancing at the unicorn sniffing his face. "We shouldn't have to worry about it anymore, though I'm willing to bet there are survivors."
"Yeah, probably, Sues are tricky like that," Kate replied. She hesitated for a minute before speaking again. "I'm about to leave to kill that Kingdom Hearts Sue."
"Seriously? Good luck, Kate!" He brushed some ash and glitter out of his hair.
"Well, I just wanted to tell you something before I go," Kate said on the other end. "You might be a dork, but you're my dork. Got that? And since you're my dork, I want to take you to get pizza when this is all over."
That was unexpected. Matt felt his face heat up. The unicorn looked at him like he had three heads. "O-Oh, well, u-uh, sure! Um…I-I think…uh…"
Kate laughed. "Calm down, Matt. I've really got to go. See you soon, I love you."
"I-I love you, too!"
Kate hung up, and Matt pocketed his phone, still red as a tomato. Sometimes, life was good.
Mary Sue was on the phone with the catering hall while clinging to Marluxia's arm, blissfully unaware that her school had been destroyed only a little while earlier. They were sitting in the castle's lounge, which, as you know, is all white. The couch, the floor, the ceiling, everything. Even the door, which, coincidentally, was kicked down by a young woman in her twenties, wearing jeans, black boots, and a black leather jacket. Her brown hair was tied in a messy ponytail, and her badge was in her hand.
"…Yes, of course I want the seafood melody…oh, hold on, I have company," Number XIII said, presumably to the people at the catering hall. She put down the phone and detached herself from Marluxia's arm. She knew that the woman was Kate of the MSSF, since she had her badge out. Besides, people kicking down doors is generally not a good sign.
"Freeze, Mary Sunlight Ramen Dawn Moonbeam Starlight Shimmer Heaven Earth Coffee Starbucks Hamster Gym Socks Cloud Gumdrop Materia Christmas Turtle Soup Daisy Miso Neko Kawaii Amazing Gorgeous Loch Ness Candy Rainbow Apple Cloud Rain Snow Hail Sleet Strife Heart Lily Athena Ocean Star January February March April May June July August September October November December Antidisestablishmentarianism Sue!" Kate was practically out of breath by the end of her sentence, drawing her gun. "You are under arrest for disturbing the peace of this universe."
Under arrest? No! That was impossible! She didn't do anything wrong! Marlypoopoo loved her, and they were going to get married! This nasty hag had it all wrong! Surely her darling Marlycakes would save her, right? She was not getting arrested!
"…This is almost too good to be true," the Marlycakes in question said, grinning. "I could hug you right now."
"Marlyfoofoo!" Mary Sue cried, using this time to come up with all sorts of nicknames for the unfortunate Marluxia. "How dare you?"
"It's my job, sir," Kate replied. "And I have a boyfriend, so I'll pass on the hug."
Number XIII blinked. Normal people could actually have significant others? What sort of weird new concept was this? It was possible to make people like you without having sparkles, wings, or unicorns? Nonsense! All sensible guys loved a girl in sparkles! It was a fact! Common knowledge! That was why all the bishies loved her!
"How could someone like you have a boyfriend? You're not nearly as pretty, smart, amazing, or anything as me!" Our sparkly protagonist flipped her rainbow hair for added effect, though it really prove her point any more.
"It's because unlike you," Kate explained evenly, "I have flaws and people who care about me. Sure, I may not be perfect. Most people out there aren't. But that's what makes us human. You, on the other hand, are nothing but a monster."
That was certainly a good way to enrage the Perfect Angel.
Number XIII summoned all three of her Keyblades, her eyes practically glowing like Storm from X-Men. She was pissed, oh yes. Royally pissed, as a matter of fact. She had never been so insulted in her entire life- she had just been called a monster! She was also terrified, since the prospect of being arrested by a Sue Slayer was something a Mary Sue was taught her whole life to avoid. If the MSSF arrests a Sue rather than kill them, they're simply placed in jail and taught to be better characters if they're willing to cooperate. This process is generally called "revision".
She began to blindly charge at Kate, who simply moved out of the way when the Perfect Angel got too close. Mary Sue kept charging, though, and ran straight into the wall.
Kate sighed. "Are you through? This is rather anticlimactic."
Mary Sue smiled manically- which was rather creepy, since her sanity had slipped away at this point in an attempt to protect herself. Well, what little sanity she actually processed, anyways. In her right hand, which was also holding one of her Keyblades, was Kate's gun, which she had managed to grab out of the Sue Slayer's hand when she'd charged using her SUPAH AMAZIN POWAHS.
"Crap!" Kate hissed. She couldn't believe she didn't even notice that. And now she was faced with a deranged Mary Sue with three Keyblades without a weapon. This wasn't going according to plan. No, she just planned to shoot or arrest the Sue and go for pizza all within an hour.
Number XIII charged again, only this time, Kate was too slow to dodge, and ended up getting a nasty gash on her arm. She swore under her breath, which was censored due to the source material for this fanfic being co-owned by Disney.
Marluxia figured this was time to intervene. He stood up, summoning his scythe. Only reason he hadn't taken care of her himself before is because the Superior would have had his head for killing a fellow Organization member without reason, which apparently stalking and harassing did not qualify for. But now he could say that it was justified self-defense if he had Kate as his witness.
"No!" Kate cried. "Stay out of this! She could seriously hurt you!"
"What could a silly little girl possibly do to me?" Marluxia scoffed. Of course he'd seen what she had done to Axel, but that was Axel, and therefore did not count. He was a much better fighter than Axel, after all.
Mary Sue's sanity was too far gone to actually care about her beloved Graceful Assassin trying to assist in her demise. She was too busy trying to prevent herself from getting killed or arrested.
"She could kill you, for starters!" Kate began frantically looking around for something- anything- she could use that might be of use.
Then, she spotted it.
A lone bookshelf in the corner.
She knew what she was thinking was insane- no one knew what kind of power that would unleash if she actually tried it. It had been discussed in the academy of course, only as a last-ditch approach, since the results were so unpredictable. But what other option did she have? She had no weapon, Mary Sue was charging up another attack, and Marluxia was going to do something stupid.
Kate knew what she had to do- even if she had to go down with the Sue. She ran over to the bookshelf, quickly grabbing the first book she could get her good hand on. I'm sorry, Matt.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife," she read.
"Wait…stop!" The Perfect Angel's eyes grew wide. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Kate read on. This Sue was too dangerous to let live. "However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighborhoods, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered the rightful property of someone or other of their daughter."
Our protagonist began to scream. Like a banshee, to be exact. The ground began to shake with the power of the decent literature that was evoked. The shaking got more violent until everyone in the room lost their footing, and there was a gigantic flash. Kate felt her head smash against the ground, and everything went dark.
When the Sue Slayer came to, she groggily sat up. There was an open copy of Pride and Prejudice on her chest. The room was a mess, as everything had fallen off the white shelves, and there was pink glitter goop and confetti everywhere. The Graceful Assassin was luckily still alive, and was trying to fix up the room before Xemnas noticed.
Well, that went better than she thought it would- she thought she would be killed or something, not just the Sue. Then again, she had only used the first paragraph, not the whole chapter.
Words are a powerful thing.
"Oh, good, you're awake," Number XI said, pausing his cleaning for a moment. "…I suppose I owe you my gratitude for ridding me of that horrid creature. Though I am not thanking you for destroying this room. The Superior will have my head."
Kate offered a half-smile and stood up, taking the book in one hand and dusting herself off with the other. "Sorry about that. I can help you clean, since it kind of was my fault. I didn't think she'd take my gun. Do you have a first-aid kit or something? I'd rather not die of blood loss."
"Good. And there should be one in the closet."
Kate nodded. "Thanks."
The Graceful Assassin resumed wiping the glittery goop off the white floor. "Good day, Mary Sue."
A/N: Up next is the epilogue, then this will all be over! Unless I decide to Final Mix The Rise of Gary Stu.
