Nivens glanced at the digital clock on his laptop. It was just after three in the morning and he still sat in front of his laptop playing with the mixes for the show. His eyes burned and he glanced over at his bed, but it still seemed less than inviting. He stretched his arms over his head and felt his spine pop as he straightened it from being hunched over the keyboard for the last two hours.
He removed his headphones and set them on the vanity beside the open laptop. The room was silent. There was no sound of movement outside his door our voices coming down the hall. Everyone else was surely asleep in their own beds. Especially Mallymkun - who had experienced an eventful evening. Maybe a glass of warm milk would help get Nivens to sleep?
Nivens headed out of his room and navigated the darkened halls toward the shared lounge. He may not have his own tall ears anymore, but his hearing was still excellent. As he passed the closed doors he could hear gentle snoring from those that were occupied. He could tell which ones were empty.
As he passed Alice's door he paused for a moment. The sounds of quiet sobbing came from behind her closed door. Had tonight been too distressing? Mallymkun had been a little wild, but other guys had done their best to shield her from them. Or was it something else? The bigger question: was it any of his business? He debated with himself whether or not he should act.
Finally he shook his head and kept on toward the lounge. He poured himself a mug of milk and warmed it in the microwave. When the microwave beeped he removed the mug and started his trek back to his room. Again, he paused at Alice's door. The sobbing continued.
With a deep breath Nivens gently rapped on Alice's door. He heard a startled cry and the rustling of sheets. "Who's there?" came Alice's strangled voice.
"Nivens," he replied. "May I come in?"
"Just a moment," she called back. There was a flurry of movement before the door opened and Alice looked out at him through the crack in the door. Her blue eyes were red and puffy. Her blonde hair was hastily pulled back into a messy ponytail. She wore a baggy red t-shirt and pair of black shorts which looked strange on her. Nivens' eyebrows shot up slightly. He'd never seen so much of Alice's legs and it seemed indecent. However, he was interrupting her in the middle of the night. What did he expect? He was still dressed in his white jeans and shirt from the show, though it was unbuttoned to reveal a white tank top beneath. He had to imagine his own pink eyes were bloodshot and his hair was slightly messy. "Nivens?" Alice asked. "Are you okay?"
He laughed. "I was about ask you the same thing. May I came in? I come bearing warm milk."
"Please, come in," she said with a small smile.
She let the door swing open. Nivens noticed as she turned away she tried to discreetly wipe tears from her face. He frowned and followed her in shutting the door behind him. Alice sat at the edge of the unmade bed. Nivens handed her the warm milk and pulled the chair away from her vanity to sit across from her. He gave her a moment as she took a sip of the warm milk then sighed a deep breath. A little of the tension seemed to melt out of her petite frame.
"Feeling better?" he asked her after a second of silence.
Her eyes shut she nodded. "Yes, thank you. A little."
"What to talk about it?" he prompted.
"I don't know where to begin," she admitted as she looked over at him. "I think I need to apologize to all of you."
Nivens blinked, taken aback by the statement. "Whatever do you mean?"
"I brought you all here, and most of you seem to be having trouble since we arrived. Mally sleeps all the time, but seems to be confused about where he is or how long he has been here every time he wakes up. Tarrant's personality seems more fluid than ever," Alice's voice began to crack. "You don't look like you've slept at all."
Nivens looked away. He hadn't realized how obvious it was to her. "That is not your fault," he tried to reassure you. He reached out and touched her shoulder gently. He felt her tremble beneath his hand. Tears began to spill down her cheeks as he looked back to her. "Oh Alice, please don't cry. None of this is your fault. We all came willingly."
"Because I asked you to," she sobbed. The milk trembled in her hands. Nivens reached and grasped both her hands and the mug in both of his. He gently pushed the milk toward her lips and she took a long sip. Her trembling stopped.
"I don't know about Dormouse and Hatter," Nivens admitted. He brought his hands back to his own lap as Alice steadied. "I do know my restlessness has nothing to do with you, but with my own shortcomings."
Alice blinked at him and her eyebrow knit together. "What are you talking about? Nivens - you are doing a great job. The crowds love your sets."
He smiled at her attempts to reassure him. "Thank you, Alice. That is not all there is, though. I feel . . . regret. You followed me down that rabbit hole when you were just a child. Since then you've grown to this strong and caring woman, but how drastically your life changed when you came to Underland. That is my fault."
"Oh Nivens," Alice sighed. Now she reached for him, her hand grasping his own and forcing him to meet her gaze. Tears still streaked her face. "Underland was strange, and terrifying, and the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't take back any of that, not for a moment. It brought me to all of you. Which is why I selfishly wanted to bring all of you with me."
Nivens reached over and cupped her face gently with both of his hands. Her eyes widened in surprise. With his thumbs he brushed away her tears and she smiled. "You saved us, Alice. We needed you. You have never truly needed us."
"That's not true," she whispered and her eyes glanced away. Nivens took his hands back and folding them in his lap once more. "I need you all now, and I feel like I'm losing you."
"Is this about what happened tonight?" Nivens asked. "Mally was acting out of sorts."
Alice shook her head. "Thackery gave him coffee and it caused him to temporarily act out. I think he'll be fine. I just wish his sleeping habits weren't so disconcerting. No. This has more to do with Tarrant."
"He has always been unpredictable," Nivens began, but Alice shook her head again.
"Its more than just unpredictable. He keeps flipping back and forth between this rock star persona and his normal self. Yet, when he does, it is as if the other doesn't exist. Then tonight. . ." she trailed off.
"What happened tonight?"
Alice took a deep breath then launched into her story of what happened between sets. In the end, she concluded: "I'd never seen him so . . . So. Not just defensive, but protective. So possessive of me. I appreciated it, but what if it is just another persona surfacing? What if he is fracturing more?"
Nivens considered her words for a moment, then chose his words carefully. "You worry that all these different personas are separate pieces of him?" Alice nodded. "That they are not really a part of him?" Alice nodded again. "I think you're wrong," Nivens finished. "I think they are all a part of him, but he is compartmentalizing them."
"What does that mean?" Alice asked, distressed.
"I'm not too sure, but don't fear Alice. Rock star Tarrant, the Tarrant you know, and this protective Tarrant are all him. I think each thing he experiences is truly him. He just isn't connecting them all very well."
"So," Alice said. "There isn't another Hatter? One that I don't know?"
Nivens shook his head. "I don't believe so."
"So, when he acts possessive and defensive?" she asked.
"It is how he truly feels. About you. I think we all do, but perhaps Tarrant feels it deeper." With that said, Nivens realized he did feel it himself. It was what had been keeping him up at night. He felt he was letting Alice down because she didn't need him.
"Thank you, Nivens," she said.
Alice sat the mug down on the floor beside the bed and leaned forward to close the distance. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Nivens felt his cheeks flush with her sudden closeness. His arms wrapped around her tiny frame and hugged her back. He felt his own tension melt out of him and a bit of relief seeped into his core. "Anytime," he whispered against her neck.
She sat back and smiled at him. "I feel much better."
"I'm glad to hear it," he said. He stood up. "I'll let you get some sleep then. You have a good night."
"I will. You, too."
"I think I will." Nivens left and shut the door behind him. He felt a calm spreading through him and a release of anxiety. By the time he got back to his room he was pleasantly exhausted. He collapsed into the rollaway bed an fell fast asleep for the first time in a long time.
