Chapter 9: Growing Pains

Staring longingly at the full plate of ham in front of her, Siila debated on whether the ribs of her corset or the ribs of her own body would snap first. Sighing and pressing her hand against her stomach, the Bosmer cursed herself for the umpteenth time since the party guests arrived. Her mother's cheery words rang in her head: "You are only fifteen for so long, Siila." She scoffed at the thought. she was an elf after all and her mother looked barely over 30 herself.. Her mother, she figured, must have gotten a wee bit carried away while knotting the laces for she could hardly breathe within the suffocating constriction.

Why on Nirn had she agreed to this rubbish in the first place? She spent a great majority of her time trying to avoid anything that managed to transform her rough, boyish appearance into one that could be unrecognizably feminine. But she couldn't lie; on several occasions throughout her younger years, she caught herself staring at the exposed cleavage of her parent's guest in a mixture of both awe and horror. How could one carry such massive orbs and flaunt them in satisfaction? Even now with more chest than breast, Siila found herself in discomfort as stray bits of lettuce leaves floated downward into the crevice of her dress. Both Claudette, her mother, and Miss Calidia told her a day like this would come. If she remembered correctly, she would first have to overcome the "swings of adolescent emotion" and then one bright sunny day, she will wake up to find herself a graceful woman. Or something along those lines. She hardly paid attention to either woman anyway.

If she looked beyond the fact that she could only comfortably stomach several mouthfuls of food, she could agree that the corset created a feminine curve to her body that was not entirely unpleasant to look at and would otherwise be nonexistent. Between Silus's lewd comments and Lielle's glares of contempt, Siila decided that wearing a corset every now and then would cause her no serious harm.

In an attempt to stop herself from nibbling, Siila cut off long strips of ham and quickly swiped them to the floor where her happy dog awaited, eager to destroy the evidence of honey-glazed ham.

Anredehl's keen ears picked up on the sound of the chewing dog and slowly turned her gaze toward Siila. Although the young elf could feel her mother's eyes on her, she focused her attention on pushing her ham around her plate in endless circles.

" Siila-" The older elf stopped to slow the sharp breathing through her nostrils. The restraint in her voice was a product of 15 years of motherhood. "I told you to keep Rawlith at home." Anredehl tutted, emphasizing every word as she meticulously cut her ham into squares only several centimeters wide.

Siila was always amazed at her mother's ability to eat the tiniest amounts of food in such a long span of time. At least with the corset tightened around her waist, she could understand why. But even now, with the tiny baby bump resting in her mother's lap and no help from a corset, Anredehl still managed to consume only small amounts of the delicious food. Watching her mother sip on a glass of water between every few bites, Siila understood why she was such a scrawny child and wished the best for her unborn brother.


Just like every party before, Siila spent a great deal of time dancing with strangers. She laughed and sang as they twirled around the room. Several young men, not entirely unappealing to the eye, asked her to dance same as always, but this time they held her closer, let their hands fall a tad lower, and parted with a kiss on the cheek that was on more than one occasion, just a little too close to her lips. Perhaps it was the way they glanced over her body as they left that made Siila return to her chair with fuzzy caterpillars squirming in the base of her tummy.

Her eyes followed a couple of younger guests giggling to themselves as they made their way to the balcony and away from the commotion of the party. After Anredehl's criticizing sigh and Cosulus's laughter, there was little doubt in her mind of what sort of tomfoolery the couple was planning out in the seclusion of the garden at night. She cringed, thinking back to the many lessons she received from Miss Calidia about "The birds and the bees."

Siila sat in her chair at the edge of the parlor, shaking herself awake every few minutes when she got too comfortable. Most of the young guests had been dancing for hours, including Silus, who had a tendency to let his hands slide to places that made the ladies blush. At first, Siila laughed along with her father but as the evening progressed, she found her gaze continuously wandering back to the older Imperial and his wandering hands which toyed with the locks of hair and tucked them behind the ears of a fair maiden.

Anredehl gently nudged her daughter awake. A Redguard, only slightly older than Siila, approached from his seat across the hall. It wasn't the first time she had seen the young man. He had spent the evening telling her stories of his life in Hammerfell where his father managed one of Cosulus Marcelius's many trading warehouses. She was slightly embarrassed when he began asking her questions about Valenwood and Bosmeri custom. It was only when she told him that she was a Marcelius and knew about as much of Valenwood as he did that he finally stopped asking questions and led her to the dance floor. As their stance grew closer, she found herself intrigued by the man's slight accent and exotic clothing.

Upon further inspection, she discovered the man's eyes were actually green and not rich chestnut like she had first assumed. A dark leafy green. Not entirely unfamiliar. She focused on the placement of the hand that rested on her waist and pulled her in closer. Why didn't Silus ever dance with her like this? The only time they had danced within such close proximity was because he was drunk and needed help standing up. Wasn't she pretty enough? Out of her peripheral vision, she saw his messy dark hair lean in toward the pale figure he clung to. As he twirled by, a shrill feminine laugh dangled in the air. Was that Lielle? Gods, she hated that girl and he knew it! The laughter continued to ring in her ears even when they had stopped.

"So, do tell me," the Redguard began. "Have you traveled out of Cyrodiil much?"

"Oh," gasped Siila, as she tried to restrain her wandering thoughts. "Umm, very little. Mostly when I was younger and unfortunately," Twirling twirling. The room spun in circles. Silus's laughter lapped up against the walls around her. She felt sick. "I- , I can not remember."

A deep verdant green.

"Is everything alright? You look a slightly baffled." the man chuckled.

"Yes, yes. I'm fine." Siila glanced around the room in panic. Perhaps it was the food, she thought. Or perhaps it was her corset tied to tight. Whatever it was, she needed air. But the music didn't stop playing and as she tried to slowly separate herself from the handsome man in front of her, she found herself being pulled closer and closer. Silus and Lielle twirled past him, green eyes twinkling in the candlelight and pearly white teeth flashing a wide smile.

Those lush foresty green eyes.

Siila was going to be sick.

As soon as the music began to lull, the tiny elf darted from dance floor to the hallway just outside. Anredehl and the Redguard companion exchanged bewildered looks.

Placing a hand to her chest, she caught her breath in the safety behind a tall marble column. Blood of the divines, what is wrong with me?

Once Siila's heart rate slowed, she continued toward the balcony. Primrose bloomed along the pale wall, stretching up from it's roots in the dirt below. Crisp night air gently caressed her face and cooled down the redness that accumulated in the tips of her ears all throughout the evening. Today, Renesia was turning sixteen and her mother had invited many potential suitors from far and wide. Renesia, the round little gourd she was, stumbled across the dancefloor in her equally round cupcake dress. Siila watched as the girl strutted across the glimmering floor like a holiday bird ready for roasting and couldn't help but cringe in embarrassment. It was hard to believe the girl she was staring at shared half of her blood.

The elf rested her elbows on the balcony railing and sighed into the air while wisps of her breath floated into the night. She had nothing against parties, in fact, she enjoyed them with great intensity. When the parties where held at home, her father always brought the most interesting guests home from his travels and her mother always treated the guests to a wonderful song in her native bosmeri tongue. When the Valcciori's held the parties, at least a handful of guests would end up drinking their brains to rot and someone would wind up having to be sent home in a gurney from laughing so hard. But tonight, tonight something felt strange within her.

Silus is nothing but a friend. She told herself. They had known each other for years. He was like the brother she never had. An older, charismatic, attractive-
"Oh, gross!" She shouted to herself. If only Nameeka were here to knock some sense into her dolled up little head.

"Where do you think you're going rat face? Don't you want to dance?"

Just the person she wanted to see. "Bugger off." Siila squirmed away from Silus's uncomfortably close surprise hug. Silus's hands clasped together in front of her waist, pulling the small elf closer to his chest. Siila felt goosebumps rise on her arms as his words danced in her ears. She shriveled her nose as a sour scent drifted off his breath. "Ew! You've been drinking!"

The Imperial twirled her around without approval and tossed his head back in laughter. "Who cares! It's a party, is it not? Drink and be merry, as your father says! Wouldn't you like to try some of that wine for yourse-"

"Leave me alone." With a strong yank, Siila pulled herself away from the intoxicated Imperial "I've-I've had enough of this party."

"Have no fear, Siila my dear. I am here to save you." He added a bow for effect.

"No, No. Just-just leave me alone. Go back to your precious Lielle." She turned her back to him and clung to the balcony railing. Every moment she thought about the imperial in his arms, she was left struggling for air.

"Oh my dear, Siila Siil. Do I detect a touch of jealousy? A faint hint of green envy?"

Green. Gods how she wanted to puke. All she could think about was Silus's green eyes and how much she wanted them to look at her the way they looked at that bloody half sister of hers. Then she felt it, a small fluttering in her stomach. She opened her mouth the speak and quickly shut it again. She couldn't ask him what was on he mind. What if the answer was not what she wanted to hear?

"Silus" she spoke. He's drunk. He won't remember anything in the morning anyway.

"Hmm." The imperial slurred.

"Why don't you think I'm pretty?" Her face flushed a furious red. Silus smiled at the blossoming crimson as she turned away from him once more. Oh Gods, why? Why am I so dumb?

"What is it that I don't have?" Shut up! Stop! Her brain no longer controlled her mouth. No matter how much she tried to scream, the words kept spilling out. "I swear Silus, I know I act like a boy sometimes but I swear, I am a girl! I have everything Lielle has." Her hands flew to her mouth. Silus approached her from behind, once again wrapping his arms around her.

"Siila, I don't think think you're pretty. I mean maybe when you were younger I thought you were cute but..."

Siila felt her heart drop down to her stomach. "oh," She managed to squeak out. She gripped the railing harder until she felt as though her knuckles would pop out of her skin. The once heartbroken feeling slowly melted away, revealing her raw anger and underlying sense of betrayal. "I see now Silus. You could never be with an elf, right? Never dirty your imperial blood."

"Siila you don't-"

"I don't need to hear anything from you!" She turned and shoved the imperial off of her. "Go back! Go back and snog all of the girls in there. I don't ever want to talk to you ever again!"

She managed a few steps before she felt a tug on her wrist. "Stop!" She cried, not even remotely scared that someone might find her in a mess of tears and rouge. "What is wrong with you." She could no longer control herself from crying even though she no longer felt sad. If Silus didn't think she was worthy of anything but being his hunting companion. So be it. She could shoot better than him anyway.

Silus pulled her closer to him. Siila felt his hand wrap around the back of her head and tangle itself in her hair., pulling her in towards his face. Never before had she been so close to mans face. The sour smell of wine on his breath stung her nose as she tried to wiggle herself loose. An unfamiliar warmth pressed upon her lips, freezing her body in the uncomfortable grip she found herself in. With eyes wide open, the small elf peered up to see Silus's dark eyelashes twitching. She knew what kissing looked like, but never before had she felt it. If whatever Silus was doing with his lips and probing tongue was indeed a kiss, she prayed to Stendarr that he would stop.

Silus finally pulled back. "I think you are beautiful Siila Marcellius."

Siila remained paralyzed in his embrace and stared with a wide-eyed look of terror. "You're drunk." she finally squeaked.


Rawlith curled himself at the foot of Siila's bed and rested his head on his paws. He watched as his owner lay engufed by the fluffy goose feather pillows on her bed, staring straight forward into the dark nothingness of her closet.

Siila couldn't sleep. She couldn't decide whether she had gotten what she wanted or not, whether it was worth enjoying or arguing about. The small elf sighed and rolled over in her bed, happily relieved from her suffocating corset and wishing that when the morning came around, the memory would vanish from her mind.