The One with Rachel's New Offer

Scene opens with Joey waling into Ross' apartment. The house is a mess and Ross is wearing only boxers and looking very depressed.

Joey: Hey Ross. You still taking your and Rachel's breakup hard?

Ross mumbles something and lays down face first in a pillow.

Joey: Hey man, it's not that bad.

Ross leans up, obviously angry.

Ross: Not that bad? When I told her what I did to Mark she couldn't stop hurdling those pans at my head!

Joey: Well for all we know it's "Throw Pans at Ross" Day!

Ross tackles Joey

Opening theme is played

Scene opens at the Central Perk with Rachel sitting on the couch

whispering to Monica. Ross enters, and Rachel abruptly exits immediately.

Ross: Rach, wait!

Monica: Wow. You really stepped in it this time!

Ross: She told you huh.

Monica: I can't believe you didn't trust Rachel! That is the exact same reason you broke up before.

Ross: I know it was stupid of me, but they just seemed to be getting too close!

Monica: It's okay for women to have guys friends!

Ross: I know…I just can't believe I let this slip through my fingers again.

Rachel walks back in the door and orders a muffin to go. She turns around to see Ross and takes the muffin. She crushes it and squishes the crumbs in his hair. Gunther is standing behind the counter smiling widely. Ross stares angrily at him. Gunther leaves quietly. Rachel leaves.

Ross: So where's Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler?

Monica: Well Joey took Phoebe to the ear doctor due to an ear ache, and Chandler went to a advertising seminar in Albany.

Ross: So how are you guys?

Monica: Well our house alarm keeps going off, and-

Ross: Interesting Mon, but what do you think I should do about Rachel?

Monica: I don't know, you really messed up here Ross. Even worse than with the Xerox girl.

Scene closes and opens up at Central Perk. Ross and Monica are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the couch reading "National Geographic". Rachel walks in and has a very stern look on her face. Ross looks stunned she is here. He invites her to sit down, but she refuses.

Rachel: Ross, we need to talk.

Monica: This is my cue.

Monica leaves.

Ross: What's wrong?

Rachel: I've been offered a new job in Paris.

Scene closes and opens at Phoebe's ear appointment.

Phoebe is sitting in a chair. Joey is sitting next to her.

Phoebe: Thanks for taking me to my appointment, Joey.

Joey: No problem.

Phoebe: I would've had Mike come, but he had to work at the mini-mart today.

Joey: Why?

Phoebe: Money's been tight, and when I had to get this check-up, he had to take a temp job just so we could pay for it.

Joey: That's terrible! Let me lend you money!

Phoebe: No, Joey, I couldn't have you do that.

Joey: Well if you won't take my money, then let me get you some signed Days of our lives stuff.

Phoebe: Like what?

Joey: Mugs, pictures of my love scenes, locks of my hair.

Phoebe: How do you sign hair?

Joey: Very carefully.

The doctor walks in.

His eyes are red and puffy.

He sniffs.

Doctor: Sorry I'm late, but my assistant died in the lobby about five minutes ago.

Phoebe screams.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Remember that curse that killed my friend Albino Bob and what we thought killed Ugly Naked Guy?

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: It's returned!

Scene closes and opens at Central Perk. Ross and Rachel are sitting now. Ross on the couch, Rachel in the chair.

Ross: So what do you plan on doing?

Rachel: I don't know Ross. I don't think I should make a decision now because it may be based on my anger with you. I told Mark I would get back with him by the end of the week.

Ross: Wait, Mark? He offered you this job?

Rachel: Yes, Ross, he did. Do you STILL have a problem with him even after what just happened?

Ross: I..I..I..

Rachel: I knew I shouldn't have brought this up with you!

Rachel storms out.

Ross: Rach, wait!

Monica walks back in.

Ross: I thought you left!

Monica: I wasn't going to miss out on your guys' fight!

Ross: Monica!

Monica: Whatever. What did you tell Rachel?

Ross: Nothing. She's just upset because I still don't like how I still don't like Mark.

Monica: You really need to face facts; Mark isn't a bad guy. You just keep thinking that and getting you guys broken up!

Ross: But…

Monica: NO buts! You need to quit and make up with Rachel before she really moves away.

Monica leaves.

Scene closes and opens at Phoebe's doctor's appointment.

Phoebe is crying.

Joey: Phoebe, it's okay. It's not you.

Phoebe: How can you say that? I'm a Monster, I tell you, a hideous monster!

Joey: It's just a coincidence that she died just then.

Phoebe: Then how come people keep dropping like flies?

Joey: That old lady was really old.

Phoebe: How old?

Joey: Ancient. When you were waiting, I heard her say that she had a great life. She said she didn't mind dying anytime.

Phoebe: Really?

Joey: Yeah, she was talking how it was such a blessing to see the Louisiana purchase, and the extinction of dinosaurs.

Phoebe stops crying, but continues sniffing.

Phoebe: Thanks. I feel better.

Her doctor walks in, clamping his chest.

Doctor: I'm too young to die!

Phoebe begins to bawl again.

Scene closes and opens at Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is talking to Mark on the phone.

Rachel(to Mark): Okay…I'll get the next flight out.

Ross walks in.

Rachel sighs.

Rachel(to Mark): Ross just walked in. I'll see you in two days.

Ross: So your going. You're just throwing away what we have?

Rachel(screaming): What do we still have, Ross! Whatever we had flew out the window when Mark went to the ER!

Ross: I just couldn't stand the sight of him!

Rachel: Well, Ross, that's too bad! I'm leaving and I'm taking Emma with me.

Ross: No…not Emma.

Rachel: I'm sorry Ross. My mom will fly her out tomorrow. If you can prove to be responsible, she will bring Emma back in two months. I'm sorry, Ross, but this is how it is.

Ross(crying): NO…

Rachel leaves.

Ross sits down on the couch and begins to sob.

Scene closes and opens with Phoebe and Joey in Central Perk. Monica walks in.

Phoebe is crying.

Monica: What's wrong with Pheebs?

Joey: She thinks her doctor curse is back.

Monica: Well, I just saw Ugly Naked Guy jogging down the street. Not a pretty sight, but he was alive.

Phoebe: My curse wouldn't strike the same victim twice.

Monica: Don't be sad Pheebs, you're not the only one having a sucky day.

Phoebe: Who's day could be worse?

Monica: Ross' for one.

Joey: Why?

Monica: Rachel is taking a job in Paris.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Now look what I've caused! True love is being ripped apart because of me! SOMEBODY STOP ME!

Phoebe begins to cry uncontrollably.

Scene closes.

Ending Credits

Scene opens at Monica's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch staring off into blank space.

Joey rushes in.

Joey: You're not moving to Paris!

Joey picks Rachel up and throws her into the bathroom and locks her in.

Rachel screams.

Joey: You aren't going to Paris on my watch, missy!

Rachel: Oh, it's so hot in here. I need to take my shirt off.

Joey opens the door in excitement.

Rachel rushes out.

Joey: Crap!

Author's Note: I revised this episode to give more info on what happened with Ross and Rachel. Enjoy everybody!