*THIS IS A CHEAT FIC*
Apov
I still feel incredibly horrible about cheating on Christian. We both realized our marriage was missing communication and thankfully Christian decided it was worth it to give us another chance. And needless to say, I'm so glad Christian didn't miss the birth of his beautiful daughter, Miss Phoebe Rose Grey.
I know I should've told Christian how I was feeling, I shouldn't of been unfaithful to him in the first place, but I am fully committed to him, now more than ever. I realize how badly I fucked up, what I lost, and I never want to lose that ever again.
I have no idea what happened to Luke, I can only imagine Christian did something horrible to him. Sometimes I think Christian went old school and hired a hit man or something, my imagination runs wild with thoughts, especially when I saw an obituary for a John Doe that matched Luke's description.
I'm sure it's just my imagination getting the better of me, but I can only hope he's found his happiness.
I now have two CPOs and I'm not to be left alone with either of them. Those where my orders to help Christian breathe easier. One is a male who is gay and the other a female. I'm still not thrilled with security, but it is a lot easier to have two CPOs, especially with two little ones.
We've been going to marriage counseling together and it seems to be helping us.
~FLASHBACK~
Today is our first marriage counseling appointment. Flynn recommended us to another therapist that specializes in these types of therapy so we're meeting at her office just a few blocks away from his.
I feel my breathing hitch when I see Christian's R8 parked in front of the building.
Before I get out of my car, I take a deep cleansing breath to calm my nerves.
I sure hope she can help us.
When I walk into the office waiting area, there he is. He looks so handsome I want to run to him, into his arms, but I know I no longer have that privilege.
After I check in with the receptionist I sit next to my estranged husband.
We haven't spoken much since I came home from the hospital. He stayed by my side until I gave birth, he even stayed the first night with me, it was almost like we were never broken. And then he brought Teddy back the next day to see his new baby sister before we all went home, well, our separate ways. Christian did help me get settled before he left though.
"How's Teddy?" I break the silence first.
He's had Teddy for a few weeks while I was healing from childbirth and taking care of our newborn daughter on my own. I still see Teddy and Christian sees Phoebe, though since Phoebe is so little and breastfeeding Christian visits us, he doesn't take her anywhere. Thankfully we no longer exchange Teddy through Christian's parents but we still haven't talked about us. Christian wanted to wait until our session today.
"He's fine, with my mother right now." He doesn't look away from his hands that he's playing with when he speaks. "What about Phoebe?"
"She's doing well." I tell him, "She's with Mia at Escala."
Again we only talk about our children, nothing more, nothing about us.
"Christian-" I go to tell him I'm sorry for the billionth time, but the door opens and a woman steps out.
"Mr. and Mrs. Grey." She calls for us.
Together we stand and follow her into her office.
"Please have a seat." She gestures to the sofa while she sits opposite in her chair.
"As you know, I'm Dr. Melinda Mendoza, everyone just calls me Dr. Mend." She chuckles at her little joke as she picks up her tablet and turns it on, ready to begin.
"Dr. Flynn has sent me his notes." She tells us, "First, I would like to say I'm so sorry your lives have been impacted this way, but I want to tell you, a marriage can not only be saved after an affair, it can actually become better with some work. Now, I don't want to minimize the betrayal and the loss of trust that is caused by this act of infidelity, but if you're willing to work and learn why the relationship was vulnerable in the first place, then fixing it, it can actually lead to a stronger, happier marriage."
"Do you really believe that?" I ask her with hope.
"I do." She smiles kindly at me.
"But-but I cheated." I whisper ashamed of what I've done.
"You can't change the past." She tells me. "You can say I should've done this, we could've done that, and yes, it should've happened that way, but the deed is done, you can't change that. The truth is, it happens to a lot of marriages, and I've helped many reconcile."
This gives me a bit of hope.
"Now, am I right to presume you both want to save your relationship, hence why you are both here today?"
Christian and I both answer, "Yes."
"First and foremost, you have to stop the infidelity. Anastasia, you need to stop any and all contact with... Luke." She tells me after looking at her notes from Flynn to get his name.
"I have. I ended it, it- it was just sex." I glance at Christian who looks pained but impassive.
"It's rarely about the sex." She corrects me. "It's about getting emotional needs."
I guess she's right, I did have enough sex with Christian, our sex life wasn't lacking. But it wasn't emotional either, I didn't feel anything for Luke. Now I don't know why I did it, I'm so confused.
"Let's get started." She tells us, "The first step is a hard one to hear, especially for the injured party, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Both of you need to accept some responsibility for the marriage as it exists today."
"No." I quickly shake my head at her. "No, it was all my fault."
"That's not true." Christian speaks up. "If I wasn't so controlling, none of this would've happened."
"No, Christian." I hate that he blames himself for this. "I knew you were controlling before we got married, I knew."
"One of you may have stepped over the line," Dr. Mend steps in. "But the marriage was vulnerable because both of you were not connecting, communicating to each other. There is no justifying an affair but both parties play a role in it. Anastasia, if Christian's need for control is what pushed you, that can't continue or it will happen again."
"So what do we do to fix us?" We're completely broken.
"The marriage cannot move forward without forgiveness. This is tough for many because they feel to offer forgiveness is to condone what happened. That's not the case. In order for a relationship to be healed, a sincere apology has to happen, and true forgiveness has to be offered. Only then can you move forward."
"That sounds stupid." I complain. "I just say, 'I'm sorry', and it's all better? I've been saying 'sorry' since it happened, it doesn't change anything."
"Anastasia, trust needs to be earned back. Christian needs time to heal, to recover from the hurt and lack of trust the affair caused. It may take awhile, but you need to give him as much time as he needs."
"I just want us back to the way we used to be." I try desperately to hold back my tears.
"Your marriage will never be the same again."
"Oh god." I submit to my tears.
I knew it! I knew I ruined it, ruined us, ruined everything.
"I thought you were going to help us?" Christian growls at her as he passes me his monogramed handkerchief.
"I am," She says. "It's a good thing your relationship wont be the same as it was because the earlier state of your marriage caused the situation that lead to infidelity. You need to work together to create a new and better marriage. Like I said before, many marriages are much stronger after the affair. Being in a successful marriage after an affair is possible."
"Anastasia," She calls to me. "Your marriage doesn't have to be over."
I sniff and nod.
Christian rubs my back for support and it's the first time in such a long time that I feel connected with him again. I'm so glad he's willing to give us another chance.
"I'm so very sorry." I say again.
"Why do you think you were unfaithful to Christian, Anastasia?" I know it's not an actual question, there's nothing to justify what I did, she just wants to know my 'reasoning'.
"I don't know, I was stupid, lonely, scared."
"Scared of what?" Dr. Mend asked me.
"Of losing him."
"Of losing Christian?" I'm asked to clarify.
"Yes." I tell her.
"Yet you were unfaithful?" She asks confused. "Do you mind explaining it to me?"
"The first time it just happened. I found out I was pregnant and I expected Christian to be upset with me about it, like he was when I told him I was pregnant with Teddy. I had been crying, I was upset and thinking about everything he said to me, about how he reacted, and I was scared that he would react the same way with our second pregnancy. And then Luke was there..."
"What happened after you had sex with another man?"
"I felt horrible, disgusted with myself. I immediately regretted it, but I knew it was too late." I tell her. "I spent hours in the tub, I destroyed the bed and ordered a new one, I was surrounded in darkness and I didn't know what to do. I was blaming Luke for everything but I know it was my fault too. I couldn't tell Christian and the guilt was eating me alive."
"Yet you continued."
"I did." I hang my head.
"Tell me why."
"It felt... dangerous, exciting. I liked the thrill of it, nothing more. I've never really done anything bad in my life. He was used for amusement, as harsh as that may sound. I didn't do it to hurt Christian, I love him, I did it because... I guess because I felt so alone... I was isolated, I had nobody but Christian, Teddy, and our staff."
Gawd I'm the typical housewife cheating on her husband cliché.
"How did you feel, Christian, when you found out?"
"Hurt. I thought we had it all, we were happy, our sex life wasn't lacking. I was completely blindsided, I never thought she would cheat on me."
I hate that I've hurt him so much. I wipe my eyes as Christian continues.
"Then I started to feel guilty so I started divorce proceedings."
"Why did you feel guilty?" Dr. Mend asks the question for me.
"I get off on control, I feel powerful, it's who I am. Before Anastasia, I was use to getting what I want, when I want it. I was, and still am a very selfish man. I've always known I wasn't good enough for her, but I never thought..." He trails off. "I felt like if she wanted out, I'd give her a way out."
"Well, it's obvious you both love each other and you both want your marriage to work, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Your marriage didn't break overnight, it's not going to be fixed overnight either. We need to work on communication, Christian's controlling nature and Anastasia's need for a thrill."
~END OF FLASHBACK~
We saw Dr. Mend for about a month before she asked us to spend some alone time together.
It was the most uncomfortable thing ever, but as we saw more and more of each other, it became natural again.
I remember when we shared our first kiss and the pain behind it.
~FLASHBACK~
Grace is watching our children while Christian and I have our counseling ordered date. It's supposed to be 50/50 effort but I've been putting 100% into this. I don't care what Dr. Mend says, this is all my fault, I shouldn't of slept with another man, I should've talked to my husband. I will do anything and everything I can for Christian to forgive me.
Since we don't want to be bothered with paparazzi, I decided to have a picnic in the meadow of our house on the Sound. Christian and Teddy have been staying with Grace and Carrick while the neighbors have their house rebuilt. Phoebe and I have been at Escala.
I hate that I tainted the place where Christian and I shared so many firsts, so many memories.
As Christian and I sit next to each other on the blanket I look over at the construction site. I can see now why he wouldn't want Teddy near that. He would've loved the trucks coming and going, but it is an eye-sore, not to mention the noise.
"They're finished." Christian brings me from my thoughts. This is the most uncomfortable we've ever been with each other. It's our first time alone since IT happened and it's everything I feared it would be. The tension is crazy, I feel it radiating in the air between us, and we haven't spoken much. Dr. Mend said we shouldn't talk about our children so we've been trying to make small talk all night.
"Teddy and I will move back here next weekend."
"That's good." I tell him, not really sure what to say. "I'm sure he'll like that."
We're both quiet again, both not knowing what to say. I feel like I should apologize again, but a billion apologizes wont change what I've done.
It's almost time to pick up the kids so we begin to clean up. This 'date' was a disaster.
Christian helps me fold the blanket we were sitting on and as we step closer to each other I really want to kiss him. But I don't dare initiate it.
Christian looks torn, almost like he's in pain, before he leans down and presses his lips to mine, completely shocking me.
Suddenly, before I know it, his are lips ripped from mine.
"I'm sorry," He croaks out. "I can't."
I look down, ashamed but understanding why he can't.
"I know," I ruined us.
Without looking at Christian, I take the dishes into the kitchen, leaving him in the meadow.
I try to hold back my tears, I deserve this but it's so painful.
After I clean the dishes, I wander around our... our home.
I make my way into Christian's office.
It's dark, the sun setting is the only light in the room because the curtains are open.
As I walk in, my eyes land on the photos José took of me that Christian bought. We were broken then and we somehow found our way back to each other. Granted, his indiscretion was a misdemeanor that I initiated. This, what I've done, is far worse.
I stop at our wedding photo. We both look so happy; Christian and I are dancing while we stare into each others eyes. I want that back.
Will we ever get that back?
The door cracks open. I know Christian has entered the room, but I don't move.
I feel him standing behind me.
I still have my hand on the photo when Christian puts his on top of mine.
"I'm sorry," I hear him say.
I quickly turn around,
"No, Christian," I tell him sternly. I don't care what Dr. Mend says, "Don't apologize. It's my fault, I did this, I ruined us."
"You didn't do it alone."
"Listen to me," I hold his head between my hands so he's forced to look at me. "What happened was not your fault so don't think that it was. I should've told you I felt like I was suffocating. I messed up. Big time. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I know how you felt because I thought about being in your shoes, and just imagining how it made me sick to my stomach. And yet, I did it anyway. I can't tell you why I continued it, anything I say is inexcusable. I can't tell you how sorry I am, no matter how many times I say the word, it's insignificant. What I can tell you is, I will do anything, anything for you to see passed my mistake. I would gladly take any punishment you gave me, killing me wouldn't hurt this bad."
"You'd really let me punish you?" His eyes search mine.
"Yes." I honestly tell him. "I would take the bite of that belt again and again just so you would forgive me. And I don't mean that to say you have to forgive me if you punish me. I want to be punished, I deserve to be punished, even if you don't forgive me."
~END OF FLASHBACK~
That night Christian told Grace we'd be late to get the kids and he drove us to Escala. I thought he was going to take me into the Red Room but he walked towards our bedroom instead. I was confused, but then I knew what he was doing.
~FLASHBACK~
"Wait here." He tells me then leaves me alone in our room.
Even though it's new, I really hate that bed. It may not even be the bed, but the vibe this room gives off.
"I don't have that belt anymore, Anastasia," Christian tells me when he returns. "I cut it up and threw it away."
I'm a little surprised that I don't see some sort of torture device in his hand, just what looks like a pair of panties. It confuses me.
"Put these on." He hands the panties to me.
They feel heavier than they should and there's some sort of thing in the crotch part.
"It's a vibrator." He explains when he sees me looking at it.
I quickly take off my dress, so I'm only wearing my bra and panties. After I take off my underwear I put the new panties on. They feel strange, heavy.
Christian hands me one of his T-shirts to cover my body so I put it on as well, then he pulls something out of his pocket and holds it up for me to see.
"It's a remote." He tells me clicking a button.
"Ah!" I cry out in surprise when my panties vibrate against my clit on full blast.
Christian turns it off just as quickly as he turned it on.
"You are not to cum." He tells me sternly, gritting it out between his teeth, fire blazing in his eyes. "I control your pleasure. Only. Me."
"Yes... sir?" I'm not sure if he wants me to address him as such but he is acting like a Dom so I feel I should.
"Bend over the bed." He demands as he unbuckles the belt he's wearing.
~END OF FLASHBACK~
He reminded me I could stop him at anytime before he began but I willingly took my punishment, as painful and uncomfortable as it was.
He spanked me with his belt, much harder than the first time he hit me, all while he had the vibrator on full blast. It was a mix of pleasure and pain for me, and when my body naturally tried to release Christian would stop the vibrator completely, only to start again once I was calm. My ass has never been so red.
After he finished we both fell to the floor and cried as we held each other.
We didn't have sex that night, my punishment had nothing to do with sexual gratification. And no, he did not abuse me, I had the power to stop him.
We sold Escala, we didn't want to erase our memories there but they were tainted now. We bought a different Penthouse apartment that we can build new memories in.
After we, became friendly so to speak, she advised us to spend time together as a family. Teddy really loved that.
We stayed in most days, since Phoebe was so little we didn't want the paparazzi bothering us. I've stayed at the house on the Sound with Christian and Teddy a few nights and after the children were asleep Christian and I would talk more and more about us, not just our babies.
Our communication is so much better, Christian isn't so demanding, I speak up more. We even finally kissed, a real genuine kiss. Our love for each other is still there, the forgiveness is beginning, so now we're working on trust and communication with Dr. Mend's help.
I still remember the day Christian finally let me move back home permanently instead of just sleeping over. It was about year after what happened. Teddy was now 3, Phoebe was about 6 months. Since she was older we finally took both children out instead of just Teddy.
We were playing with Teddy at the park, I had Phoebe in my wrap since she was sleeping so I just carried her around.
~FLASHBACK~
"Teddy, not too far." I call out as he goes further and further into the open field to chase the bugs. His birthday party was bug themed, the most uncomfortable thing ever, eating a "spider" cake, but the chocolate covered pretzel legs were neat. And he loved it.
We had his party at our house instead of the Greys', Christian wanted me to be more comfortable. I never told him about his parents reaction to what happened, or how I thought they were trying to make me think he moved on. I don't speak to Kate as often as I used to either, so the party was uncomfortable no matter where it was held. I know it will take time for everyone to forgive.
As well as helping us as a couple, Dr. Mend has been helping me with solo sessions. Christian still sees Flynn alone as well, he's working on his controlling issues with him.
"Mama, look!" Teddy squeals with excitement, bringing me from my thoughts.
Oh god! What did he find?
"I don't think mommy wants to see that one, buddy." Christian laughed at my discomfort. He's right behind Teddy.
Suddenly Christian looked serious.
"We have to go." He said.
"Why?" I ask instead of agreeing.
"The paps have showed up," He tells me as he picks up Teddy.
I look back at Taylor, Prescott and Reynolds, all walking our way.
There are a few people with cameras scattered about. Luckily they haven't heard about our marital problems, however, they know we have a new baby. We've released a family photo to the press but they've yet to photograph her paparazzi style. She's six months old and we've somehow managed to keep her away from the media. We don't want them to mob us like they did with Teddy so we've been keeping her away from the public eye. Today is our first outing with her since she is a bit older.
"Christian." I look back at him worried.
"I know, baby." He uses the term of endearment that he hasn't used with me since before...
"Take Teddy." Christian said as he hands him to Prescott. "Give me Phoebe." He tells me.
He helps me hold her while I unhook her wrap from around my body. She's still sleeping but she knows her daddy has her. She makes an uncomfortable face at not having boobs as her pillow anymore before getting comfortable again and dozing back off to sleep.
Christian nods to Prescott and she hands Teddy over to me.
"Let's go." He orders everyone.
Together, with my family in the middle of our security, we walk towards the SUVs.
Luckily we make it with them not getting a clear photo of our children.
I climb in the back with Teddy on my lap before putting him in his seat. I turn back to Christian who is still holding Phoebe and take her from him to put her in her seat.
Christian drove us here but now he's riding shotgun while Taylor drives us. Ryan and Prescott drive the second SUV and follow us.
I'm sitting behind Christian and I can see his jaw clenching with anger. The paps have always bothered him because he's 'just a businessman' and I know he wants to say a few hateful things about them ruining our day but wont with our children in the car within earshot.
I lean forward and put my hand on his shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze. He reaches up and gently squeezes my hand in response, then he kisses my knuckles before holding my hand and letting my knuckles caress his stubbly cheek.
"Come home." He mumbled the words, I could just barely hear him. I almost think it's my mind playing tricks on me.
Maybe he's asking if Phoebe and I will stay the night. I usually sleep in a spare bedroom when we have sleepovers.
"What?" I lean forward more so Teddy can't hear us.
"Come back to me, baby." He turns to face me, he looks so sincere. "I miss you, I miss us."
"We still need to work on our relationship." I remind him.
"And we will." He agrees. "I'm asking you, Anastasia, come home."
He's not so much asking as he is telling, but that's my Fifty. He'll always have that need to control, it wont go away, but he has backed off more than he was before. And at least he is 'asking' instead of just doing it without telling me. I've been wanting to come home for awhile now but Dr. Mend said it had to be Christian's decision.
"Okay."
His breathtaking smile does exactly as it's described.
~END OF FLASHBACK~
Christian has been more forthcoming with me, he hasn't been so controlling either, only when we play. I was so scared to lose him that I just let him dictate my life, and then I did the worst thing imaginable, the most unforgivable act. I still regret it to this day.
I moved back into the house on the Sound and we've been happier, healthier, and stronger together. I have been completely faithful to Christian, giving him all my love, and he's learned to trust me again. Our children don't have to grow up in spilt households or separate holidays between their parents.
Our life is not what it was before, but I feel it's better than it was.
Christian still doesn't like when men look at me, however, he doesn't forbid me from going anywhere anymore. I'm no longer isolated, I don't feel trapped. Though it is a lot harder to run in the parks now with two little ones so I mostly exercise at home when I have free time.
I'm so glad we're back home.
I know I should've never did what I did, but it has made us stronger. I wish I would've told Christian how I was feeling and worked out our problems without having an affair, but what's done is done, there's no changing it. I will be forever thankful that Christian forgave me. He's the most amazing man ever.
I love him, I will always love him, and I will always regret my moment of weakness even though it made us stronger.
The End
Thank you to those who read and reviewed.
Sorry it sucked, I've never written anything like this before.
I'm so glad this story is over, I didn't like it and it was difficult to write.
Until Laters,
{SdaisyS}
