Final chapter! Thank you everyone so much for reading, reviewing, following and otherwise supporting.
So I don't know what you're thinking. I don't either. I don't know why I'm writing this, and I don't know why I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. It been almost three months now. I haven't talked to John once. I hadn't heard at all from Jade, and I hadn't talked to Tavros either. Karkat had started talking to me again but it's awkward and stilted. The only person I really have is Terezi. And she's brutally honest in telling me that I probably have the same chance of getting John back as I do learning to fly. And I know that.
I know that, and I'm typing this as quickly as I can, like I have to finish. Like I have to set it all out, unravel it all in my stupid, slow, mind so I can figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Why did I take everything for granted? If I was so bent set on getting attention, being wanted why did I go about it like this? It was obvious that it was all going to come crashing down at some point. So why didn't I just... just... do something, I don't know, less stupid?
And God did I feel stupid. Every day at school was getting worse and worse as John got more and more distant. After a while his halfhearted glances over at me disappeared. His sitting alone at lunch turned to him surrounded by new friends, new people. And he laughed and joked with them and didn't even notice me, hunched over, practically melting into the walls as I walked through the hallways. Just like he said- it was a worthless relationship and it wasn't going to matter to him soon enough.
But it still matters to me. I'm still seeing him every time he walks by in the halls. I'm still daydreaming, watching him from halfway across the lunchroom. I was used to having everything I wanted. I was used to having as many chocolates as I wanted. And here I was with the empty box, wondering why I'd ever thought what I was doing was justified.
But hey, at least I got what I deserved. At least now I'm the one suffering, hating myself. And even though I know that I totally am getting what was coming to me I don't want to take the punishment. God, I want my charming skills to work again and bring John back. But my charming skills are gone with my idiotic rampage around the world of "romance."
But I'm still stubborn. I'm still sitting up every night pledging myself. "Tomorrow's the day I'll talk to him." So that's why I'm writing this now. To get it all out in the open for me to read like it wasn't me, like it was some other idiot that did this. And as soon as I'm done, I'm going to see him.
I'm not going to do anything fancy or stupid like some guys might try. You know, eight dozen flowers and a barbershop quartet. I'm going to stand on his porch with my hands in my pockets. And I'm not taking my shades. I want him to see that behind them, there's real emotion, emotion that I've always hated and kept behind my glasses so that he can't see, so that nobody can see. My hands in my pockets, my eyes exposed, I'm going to tell him I'm sorry. And I'm going to tell him the whole story,, just like this, if he'll listen.
And I'll hope, hope, hope, I'll beg to myself that he'll forgive me. Even if it's just a little. Enough that I don't have to watch him from the sidelines. I've never wanted to be wanted so much before. And now it's different.
I don't want anyone else to want me. Not Jade, not Karkat, not even Terezi. All that matters to me anymore is that I'm important to John. So, you know what, I'm going to wrap this up right here. I have to go get this over with before I chicken out.
And this time, there isn't going to be one single lie. I'm going to be me, I'm going to tell him the truth. And I'm going to make sure he knows I'd rather never love anyone else ever again than have him hate me. That I'm done collecting. I only need one person.
