Title: Porphyria's Lover
Author: Sami
Disclaimer: Last time I checked I was neither Joss Whedon or anyone else who owned Buffy.
Spoilers: Mid season two before 'Passion' and all the flashbacks.
Summary: Angelus kidnaps Willow and Sunnydale will never be the same as the Scooby Gang goes up against the new Order of Aurelius. WIP. Multiple pairings, explicit violence, sexual situations, original characters, and character death.
Chapter 22: Home
Buffy slipped out of the house early in the morning, through her bedroom window, hours before the sun rose. She hadn't bothered with sleep instead she went from task to task quietly as possible as she waited for her mother to fall asleep. Buffy made a halfhearted attempt at an essay for English class before she organized her CDs and then cut out pictures from a magazine for an art class collage. Tori Amos and other morose singer-songwriters played softly in the background as she wasted time until she was sure her Mom was sleeping. Buffy wished she could have done the same, but there was no way that she could have done more than lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, and berate herself. She felt too restless. It was like an itch deep under her skin and there was only one way to cure it.
Buffy spared a moment, to make sure her mini-back pack was closed and her stakes and diary were all there, before she sprinted down the street towards the nearest park. She tried to lose herself in the run as she tried to lose herself in busy work in her room. Buffy pumped her legs and arms, sweat beading on her brow, and ran as if she could escape the past. Operation Rescue Willow had bombed like a Madonna movie. She gritted her teeth as she remembered racing towards the back garden of Angel's mansion and finding only an open gate swinging in the breeze. Willow had saved herself in the end. Buffy saw her running away in the direction of her house as the rain fell in sheets over the town. There had been no sign of Penn besides his idling car behind the house in the alley. Buffy had only watched Willow escape for a moment before she went back into the house to help Angel with the rest of the vampires. She had never felt like such a failure outside of a French class before.
Buffy didn't slow her run, but she wanted to smack herself in the brain. All she had done since she had parted ways with Angel yesterday was think about how it all went wrong and how she could have done everything better from Angel to Willow to even being the Slayer. Slaying was supposed to be something that she was good at. Didn't she lay a major smackdown on the Master? Take on the Three? Stop evil fiends on a nightly basis? Maybe Kendra was right about her emotions getting in the way of her slaying. This was supposed to be her calling and it might as well have been the wrong number. Willow had escaped, but without much help from the heroes. Buffy bit back the tears, feeling so grateful that Willow found the strength to survive and so ashamed that it was her ex-boyfriend that her best friend had to escape from. Buffy knew that she should have been able to protect Willow.
Drawing even and steady breaths, she slowed to a jog, still faster than any on the track team, as she passed by the quiet ranch houses and darkened cookie cutter townhouses near the park. She could already sense the predators roaming the suburban jungle looking for vulnerable prey. In ways she could never explain to her friends, she felt anticipation for the hunt twist in her gut. It was simple. She slew and the darkness trembled. Hunt and slay. Simple as no white after labor day.
Not so much yesterday though.
Instinctively, she knew, like she knew her mother's face, that she should have staked the entire nest even Angel. It still hurt to think of staking him, but the side of her that was the slayer didn't care. Buffy was restless and she wished she didn't know why. She hunted today but there had been little slayage.
Buffy entered the park near the small patch of woods where teenagers liked to make out and smoke pot. Prime feeding ground. Her jog fell to a silent walk as she felt rather than saw the vampire who was closing in on a oblivious couple rounding home plate. The vampire was two times her size but he was young, hungry, and never heard her coming. She staked him quickly and moved on.
There were more in the park that she staked, silent as nighttime suburbia, without any of her usual gymnastics. Buffy slew four in thirty minutes but she was far from done.
She got to the Bronze only a little before last call as the stragglers waited for their friends or their cabs. She staked three vampires in and around the dark alleys near the club. Buffy got rougher with them. They didn't hear her approach but they felt her fists or were slammed against dirty brick walls before they went poof in a cloud of dust. She circled the area twice after the last vampire before she hit up the downtown where there were still UC Sunnydale students mingling in and around the all night diner. She fit in with the alternative college kids with her baggy pants and old black shirt, but she didn't go inside the diner to check for hell spawn. Angel had taken her there sometimes after patrolling. It hurt to think of the times they'd talk late at night as she drank a milkshake or chowed down on some fries and he sipped at a espresso. Buffy knew that it would never happen again.
Could never happen again.
Buffy started toying with the demons by the time she got to the Fish Tank for their illegally late closing. She let them have the illusion of escape before staking them in the front, eye to eye, so they knew exactly who was sending them to hell. Buffy had sunken deep into slayer mode before she got to the cemeteries around four when the monsters went back to their crypts. She taunted and quipped as she fought with increasing brutality. Dust caked her fingertips and her left palm had a major splinter in it by the time dawn lightened the horizon. It was only after the birds started chirping did she finally fall to her knees and rest. Surprised by the patch of woods she found herself in, Buffy looked around and realized she was just a little outside of the Restfield Cemetery. She felt numb as she pulled her mini backpack off and pulled out her diary. It had been weeks since she had made an entry but she had known that she had to write. Buffy didn't feel restless anymore only tired, but she knew that she couldn't sneak home yet.
"I officially, completely, and determinately broke up with Angel," Buffy wrote after she jotted down the date. "I haven't written in weeks because it had all been too much..."
000
Angel felt like a wraith as he came back into the mansion, trapped because of the daylight, with only other ghosts of the past to haunt him. The efforts of the night before had borne little fruit. He tried to remember that Willow had been freed and his soul returned so, in the end, it was a victory. It felt more Pyrrhic than anything else. He walked up the stairs, running a hand up the rail, looking over the antechamber at the house that he had built and swore to destroy.
Angel sat down on the top stair with a thud before hunching over, elbows on his knees, thumbs and index fingers connected in a triangle before him. The loss of his soul was even more unsettling when he was alone in his shell of a house. Angel had thought deeply on his curse with a soul and otherwise. He had never quite understood the nature of it. It never made sense to him until he had watched Buffy walk away and leave him alone with only the sound of the rain for company. It seemed as if every woman in his life had walked away from him. With very good reason, he had to admit. Drusilla, more correctly, twirled like a ballerina before driving away with Spike in his beat up De Soto while Willow ran out the back door. Three strikes, he thought with a sigh, I'm out. If only he had found the right words before she left.
Buffy had came in, frowning, hair plastered to her head by the rain. Defeat lingered in her expression. Her mascara smudged eyes met his. She was without Willow. "She's gone home." She didn't elaborate as she stared away from him with a trembling bottom lip. In the dimming room, shadows covered her face.
He wished he hadn't caused the raw pain that darkened the light in her eyes.
The rain and wind howled louder outside.
"I felt Penn die, was it...?" He didn't finish as she turned her hazel gaze on him.
"Not me." Buffy shook her head and half turned. "Giles. I should find him."
"Wait," Angel began before his words dried up. "We need to talk," he finished feeling like a fool.
She looked back at him with steely look. "About what, Angel?" There was the sort of anger in her eyes that only came from love gone wrong. "The fact that after I lost my virginity to you, you turned evil? Kidnapped Willow? Or maybe that you stalked me and left creep o'grams on my pillow?" She wrapped her arms around herself and backed away as she continued much quieter than before. "Should we talk about how I loved you with all my heart and then you ripped it out?"
Angel couldn't speak and only nodded as he wished he could take his eyes away from the beautiful slayer. She stated the truth as only she could. He couldn't argue with her interpretation of the past events. He could see all the suffering in her eyes and he remembered how Angelus strove to cultivate her pain which only made it harder because he had never wanted to hurt her. Angel would have given his life to take it all back. Buffy had done nothing but love him, a monster who tried so hard to be a man, despite her calling. She had given him a reason to live and to fight and he gave her torment in return. If he could have spoken, he would have been groveling for forgiveness.
She took a deep breath and her eyes darted away from his as she seemed to search for her next words. Licking her lips, she continued. "Do you even know what you would say about your heartbreaking and homicidal turn to the dark side?"
"I-" Angel began before he shook his head. Maybe if he started brainstorming right now, he would be able to come up with something decent by next Tuesday. "I don't know where or how to begin to-"
"Just stop, please." She shook her head. "I already know you are sorry and that you would move heaven and earth to take it all back or make amends." Tears glistened in her eyes and she closed them, looking down, before she shook her head. "I just can't hear you say it. I have to finish cutting you out of my heart."
She had left then, collecting her ax and little red umbrella, sparing him one crumpled and melancholy glance behind her as she left.
Angel didn't follow her to the door instead staggered to the only chair left in the room. He understood the power of the gypsy curse now. They didn't just curse the vampire but the man as well. It was his life as Liam that provided the inspiration and motivation for his depravity as Angelus. If any mortals understood the supernatural and the ways of the undead, it was the Roma and they knew what the Watchers would always deny- vampires are more like their human counterpart than either vampires or humans would like.
Hours went by as the storm raged outside and Angel brooded within.
Angel finally closed the front door before going out to the back yard as the sun set wetly in the west. Ignoring the rain, he skirted around a gritty splotch of wet dust. The sight of it made him feel the weight of all his years and he could feel himself buckling under the pressure. He couldn't help but wonder how Willow had killed Penn. She had saved her life, Angel knew, Penn would have ripped her to pieces. He walked out into the alley driveway then turned off Penn's car before searching through the dashboard compartment. Between the various paperwork and manuals, he touched something metallic and pulled it out. It was a startlingly familiar pocket watch. He dropped it as if it was a crucifix before he put it in his pocket. Angel resolutely did not focus on the old, long buried memories it conjured up. He sat down in the driver's seat and knew if he went back into the mansion he would lose himself in guilt. Angel started up the car again before heading towards Willy's Place. He had failed both Buffy and Willow today, but he couldn't continue too. Angel had to clean up his mess. Spike had taken out all of the major vampires in Sunnydale and Angelus had made sure that the rest showed the proper respect to his clan. Without either, there would be a power vacuum that would attract more than a few demonic scumbags to the Hellmouth if he didn't step up to show that he still had control of the town even with his soul.
Angel parked the car around the back of the bar before heading inside through the back. He ignored the yells of Willy's waitress and strode into the bar with his head high. He grabbed Willy by the back of his neck and pulled him over the bar. "Spike, you hear about him 0r Sam Lawson, you tell me." He let the human drop.
Willy fell onto the stools with a curse. "Fine, Angelus, whatever you say."
"That goes for everyone." Angel didn't correct the bartender on his name before he left the way he came.
Throughout the night, he stopped at demon hotspots to pick fights and question about the whereabouts of his childer. Dawn chased him back to the last place he wanted to be.
He felt weary to his centuries old bones as he sat at the top of the stair, looking over the ruins of Angelus' kingdom, and he knew that it would take longer to rebuilt his life than he had taken to destroy it.
000
Willow's palms began to sweat when she walked to the front door of her house feeling like more of a spazoid than usual. Maybe her dad should have taken her somewhere besides the Espresso Pump to let her mom have time to prepare for her not-so-secret welcome home party. She had spotted Cordelia's car parked across the street so she knew her friends were behind the door already. It had been so long since she had seen them that she didn't know what to say. 'Whose been playing at the Bronze since I've been gone?' 'Pick up my homework?' 'Hey, Buffy, how ya doing? Oh, with me, you know, the usual, just emerging in a tortured saga with your Jekyll and Hyde ex-boyfriend and his cadre of vampires.' She wiped her hands on her jeans, following her dad inside with a deep breath, as she wondered if she was ready.
Buffy, Xander, Amy, and Cordelia waited in the living room and got to their feet when she walked in.
She locked eyes with Xander and he gave her that goofy grin that she couldn't help but return. Willow knew she shouldn't have been worried. Just seeing all her friends put a smile on her face. It almost hurt her cheeks to smile a genuine grin. She ran to Xander and threw her arms around him. Hiding her damp eyes on his shoulder, she murmured. "I missed you so much."
He smelled like Old Spice, Mountain Dew, and other Xander-y smells and she didn't know if she could let go. He wrapped his arms around her waist. "I missed you too, Will." His voice was a watery rumble.
She pulled back, wiping her eyes as she smiled at her friends. This was what she had needed. Willow had been so lonely in that tiny blue room. She kept a hold of Xander's arm as she drew Buffy in for a hug. She hugged Amy next. "Hey, guys," Willow said as she pulled back after hugging Cordelia.
Amy spoke first. "Your Mom laid down the law and said you needed more rest so we don't have too long, but I figured that we'd have enough time for a brownie." She turned around to the coffee table where to pick up a small plate with a brownie with M&Ms on top. "Its your favorite kind! Our Secret Chocolate on Chocolate brownies."
Willow took the plate, feeling her throat tighten with the good kind of tears, with shaking hands. "Thanks, Amy. Remember how we used to make these all the time before Boy Meets World came on when your mom did Tupperware parties?"
Amy laughed. "Ryder Strong – be still my heart."
"Yeah, he's a dreamboat." Xander rolled his eyes.
"Oh, come on, you loved secret brownie night, Xander." Amy said.
Willow took a bite of the brownie with her eyes closed as she listened to her friends banter back and forth. This was better than she imagined when she thought about returning home.
"He does love cookies and Bollywood night a lot too." Buffy added.
"I've tested it. His heart is directly connected to his stomach." Cordelia said with a shrug.
Xander pulled her in for a side hug. "What can I say? Baked goods and my favorite girls. Its a winning combination."
She leaned her head on his shoulder and smiled at them all. Willow could almost forget the last month with Xander's arm around her and her friends at her side. Almost.
0000
She hadn't protested when her mom told her she would be going to Dr. Stevenson. Willow hadn't said much to her since she had been back. She didn't want to say much that wasn't negative to her Mom so she kept her mouth shut as much as she could. Maybe it was irrational but Willow found her mother's new found attentiveness more infuriating than comforting, which made her feel guilty which then in turn it made her even more angry for being guilty.
It was easier to be around her dad, he didn't ask her much, he just wanted to keep her in sight it seemed. For the last four days since she had come home, she been watching classic movies with her dad on the sofa or watching TV with Buffy and Xander. Mostly she had kept to the sofa and had even fallen asleep there a few nights. She still wasn't comfortable in her room.
Willow hadn't been surprised by her mother's idea, only that it had taken her so long. Stung by the guilt, she just let herself be led. They didn't talk in the car or the clinic's waiting room. She let her mom fill out the forms as she zoned out with an open tabloid in her hands.
000
Dr. Stevenson looked over her bifocals at Willow. A middle aged black woman with a face more kind than beautiful, she was a good friend of Willow's mother and one of the best at counseling trauma victims.
Willow should have been able to talk to her.
They had been staring at each other for fifteen minutes in silence. Willow kept her arms crossed and refused to give into temptation. It didn't matter that Dr. Stevenson was funny and that her mom was paying good money for the session. Willow wished she could open her heart, hug the doctor, and cry it out but the doctor would listen to her tale of vampires and monsters then declare her crazy. Willow had been stuck in a nut house long enough to know that she didn't want to be in another one.
Dr. Stevenson set down her notepad and took off her horn-rimmed glasses. "Are we going to sit here in silence for an hour?"
"I don't want too." Willow fidgeted and pushed her sleeves up. The turtleneck she wore smothered her despite the air conditioning. She wanted to take it off and just wear the blue spaghetti strap shirt underneath. But, the bites...
"Since we're not going to talk about your past month of captivity, lets talk fashion. Why are you wearing a turtleneck?" The doctor asked briskly.
Willow frowned and pushed her sleeves down again.
"If you don't want to talk to me then I'll talk to you." Dr. Stevenson smiled, her plain face becoming pretty from the warmth of it, as she wiped her glasses with the hem of her blue blouse.
"I know that my mom told you everything." Willow tried to keep the crankiness out of her tone. She had been quick to anger with her mother since she had gotten back. It used to be easy to bite her tongue and put on a smile, but now she had to fight not to snap at her.
"She told me what she knows."
"Yeah, and what she knows about me could fill up a post-it note." Willow scoffed. "I get kidnapped and now she gives a darn." She shook her head, anger bringing heat to her cheeks. She couldn't help but remember how her mother never made it to any of her science fairs even when she had won first place. Willow pulled her turtleneck off. "This is why I'm wearing this when its eighty degrees outside." Willow didn't realize she was crying until the hot tears fell onto her clavicle. "This is the only reason my parents took time out of their busty schedules for me." She huffed out a bitter mockery of a laugh as she gestured to her to bite marks and bandage. "It still took them days to come home." Willow's expression felt too tight as she grimaced, trying to compose herself. She looked down from the doctor's understanding brown eyes and saw her scarred and scabbed chest. Shame hit her, chilling her as if she had swallowed a ice cube. She picked up the rumpled turtleneck and began to pull it on. "I shouldn't say that, I love my parents."
"Of course you do." Dr. Stevenson put back on her glasses. "Those are bite marks, aren't they?"
Willow wiped her eyes with her palms. "I can't do this." She got up and scurried to the door. "I'm not crazy." She turned to face the doctor, to clarify her statement, because at times she wasn't sure. "At least I wasn't before."
"I know." Dr. Stevenson stood. "You don't have to leave."
"What can I tell you?" Willow shook her head. "I was kidnapped by monsters and kept as a snack? That I spent a month straight terrified that I'd be raped or killed or both? Or that I was kept in a tiny room and didn't know if I'd ever leave?" Willow threw her arms up, getting deep into the rant. "Or how about, in the end, I was alone? Hell, in the beginning, I was alone." She scrubbed at her face with the back of her hand. She leaned against the door. "Are you happy now? She bowed her head. "Can't you tell my mom that I had a break through and don't have to come anymore?"
"It takes time, honey."
"I don't want it to take time." Willow slid down and landed on her butt. "I want my life back. I want to be Willow-y again." She looked at the doctor, walking towards her. "I look in the mirror and I don't see me." Willow flinched at the doctor's soft touch on her shoulder.
Dr. Stevenson looked at her with a sad, serious expression.
"I want to be Willow again." Willow looked away, wondering if the doctor was thinking of her as child when they had first met at her fifth birthday. Dr. Stevenson had given her a puzzle of a herd of dinosaurs. Willow didn't remember her mother there, but she clearly remembered their stout housekeeper at the time, Lupita, cutting the chocolate cake and wishing her a happy birthday. She returned the doctor's gaze with a frown. "Sometimes."
