The cycles continued, sleep, bathroom, kneeling, eating, showering. He didn't see Victor for a long time and he was starting to miss being taken upstairs. He missed the long conversations and the touch of another person. It made him make mistakes and he got snappy, sniping at the voice when he should keep his mouth shut.
Huggy put the belt and cuffs back on him and he even got muscly and resistant with him. He was left to kneel whilst the music blared. The headache throbbed at his temples and he knew he'd brought it on himself. Defeated and angry he sat, eyes squeezed shut, willing the music to end. The cycles continued, monotonous and relentless and the music woke him with the lights every time, though as soon as he was up it stopped.
Huggy and Mo took him to shower down and he scrubbed his teeth, shaved clean. They still hadn't given him any clothes to wear and he'd gotten used to being naked. He looked at himself long and hard in the mirror, his reflection looked miserably back at him. He'd been doing well, he'd been complying and behaving and suddenly something had snapped, the loss of interaction had made him do wrong. Silently he told his reflection he'd brought it upon himself.
Huggy put the belt and cuffs on him, as well as the ankle straps and he felt a wave of relief. They were going upstairs, he'd get to have a conversation again. Then his heart sank, Victor wouldn't be happy - the last few cycles hadn't went so well. The pace was slow but Danny wished it was slower, because he didn't want to hear disappointment or think it somehow would stop Victor from wanting to speak with him or see him.
He noted it wasn't a bad day outside - a lot of cloud cover but a bit of blue shining through. By the looks of it it was later afternoon, but of what day and what time he was oblivious. He didn't wonder how long he'd been there now - had given up on a way of gauging time and days.
He was left in the room with the chair and he felt apprehensive, getting on his knees and flexing his fingers in and out. The door clicked open and shut behind him but he didn't move, not even when fingers slipped onto his neck, through his hair.
"Hello Daniel," Victor said, sitting in the chair.
His voice was soft, slightly disappointed and Danny sank his head further.
"Hello Victor," he said quietly.
"How is the knee?" Victor asked pleasantly.
"Much better thank you," Danny replied.
"And how are you?" Victor asked him, leaning over.
Danny felt fingers in his hair again and he spoke still quiet and abject. "Okay, I guess."
"You guess?" Victor chuckled and massaged his fingers against Danny's scalp. "And what does that mean?"
"I, I just," Danny started, not sure how to say it without making it sound like he was feeling sorry for himself. "I should have tried harder these last few, 'cycles', I haven't."
"I don't expect you to be perfect Daniel," Victor assured him. "You won't learn unless you make mistakes."
"But it wastes time," Danny sighed, leaning his head up a little at Victor's fingers. "I was frustrated and I wasted time because I got angry about it."
"Why were you frustrated Daniel?" Victor asked, indulging him by running his fingers firmer through his hair, a thumb brushing against Danny's ear.
Danny shivered and squeezed his eyes shut at the feel. "Because I hadn't seen you for a long time. Least it seemed like a long time."
"You missed me?" Victor sounded pleased.
"Yeah," Danny admitted. "I like being in here with you. I get,-"
He had been going to say bored but paused, not wanting Victor to get angry.
"Mmm?" Victor encouraged him to continue and Danny remembered Victor always expected him to be honest with him.
"I get bored," Danny tensed as he spoke.
"Understood," Victor petted him lightly to assure him it wasn't a bad thing to say. "But you need the structure Daniel, do you understand that?"
Danny shook his head because nothing made sense to him anymore and he honestly didn't understand what was going on any more, with him, with his life.
"Life without structure is pointless Daniel," Victor told him. "If we don't have it, our lives become impossibly busy with endless things of no use or purpose. Think of your life now as being complete, with a purpose, a structure."
"What purpose?" Danny asked, still not understanding.
"That will become clear in time," Victor said before pausing. "Think of how crazy your life was before and how simple it is now Daniel."
"What if I liked my life before?" Danny questioned, not argumentatively, more like he needed things more fully explained.
"We all need change in our lives eventually Daniel," Victor explained. "If you think back, weren't there times when you just wanted to escape from it all, be completely free of it?"
Danny had to admit that there had been times like that. Didn't everyone have moments like that? When life became so hectic, crazy, busy, that you wanted to hibernate until it all went away.
"Yes, I had times like that," Danny replied, speaking his thoughts aloud.
"Well then think of this as that moment when you got your wish. No more crazy, no more stresses," Victor advised him. "Just you, here, now."
"With you," Danny said, surprised at the softness of his tone when he said it.
Victor ran his hand down over Danny's cheek, fingers lifting his chin so he was looking up at him. Danny swallowed as Victor looked down at him, small smile playing at the edge of his lips. "You need me Daniel, you'd go crazy without me."
"What about everybody else?" Danny asked slowly.
"Like who?" Victor gave him a questioning look.
"Like," Danny paused, was going to say Grace but instead changed his words. "My family."
"The family you left behind in Jersey?" Victor asked, looking amused at the notion before he rubbed his thumb absently against Danny's lip. "Or do you mean your ex wife, her husband and your daughter in Hawaii?"
Danny swallowed, in all this time, the conversations with Victor he'd never brought up Grace or Rachel - but of course Victor knew about them. He'd have made it his job to know. Danny didn't say anything but nodded compliantly.
"Did you enjoy that life Daniel? Trying desperately to spend a few hours every few weeks with your daughter? Having to deal with lawyers and your ex wife and knowing that at any moment something could go wrong, you'd make a wrong move and lose everything?" Victor asked him, voice low, quiet, expectant. "Didn't it become tiring, wearisome?"
Danny nodded, because it did. Grace was his world but the threat of something going wrong, of Rachel reaching a point where she couldn't deal with his being a cop anymore, of his always letting her down because of the job. It was a constant pressure that he fought every day to deal with - a fear which had settled into him and he'd been living with ever since they'd decided on divorce. Even moving himself to Hawaii didn't change the fact that Rachel and her trumped up over paid lawyers could find a way to end it all. And what good did it do to Grace, the silent witness to the fucked up mess that had become her parents lives?
"Perhaps," Victor spoke carefully, seemed to consider the words himself. "Perhaps this way is better, you don't need to worry again. Your ex wife moved on, created a new family unit - do you think she'll miss you getting in the way?"
"But Grace," Danny started, he didn't doubt Rachel wouldn't care much if he did disappear. He stopped himself, he didn't want to speak about Grace. Not here, not like this.
"Grace has her mother and a new father," Victor told him. "How long did you think you'd have a place in her life Daniel? When that man could provide her with so much more? How much longer do you think it would have been before he suggested she call him dad or that perhaps, for the sake of her position and situation, that he officially adopt her?"
Danny shook his head and squeezed his eyes shut - he didn't wish to hear such things but Victor wrapped a hand round his chin, gave him a small shake until he opened his eyes again, sight slightly blurred with tears.
"Why should you spend so much energy and time on such a fruitless pursuit?" Victor asked him gently. "Only to be dashed and shattered and left to rot on the wayside. You're worth so much more than that Daniel. I hope you will come to understand that."
Danny considered the words, let them settle in his brain and a small voice in the back of his mind told him it was all true. He was already on the outskirts of Rachel's new family unit, like a fly which buzzed around and was swatted away. And all for what? Grace would grow older and not want to see him again because she was too busy with her own life and then what would Danny have? At least he had the memories and he wouldn't have to go through any hurt. Was that what Victor was offering him?
"I'll try harder," Danny found himself promising. To understand, to do better.
"I know you will," Victor smiled wider now but there was a coldness is his tone as he continued. "Because if you don't, you'll have me to deal with, understand?"
Danny just swallowed down hard and nodded.
"Now, we're moving on from this place Daniel." Victor sat back, removing his hand from Danny and Danny dropped his head down automatically. "You'll be sedated, I want you safe while we travel. You'll be taken to your room and be given a shot. Don't worry, no harm will come to you."
"I know," Danny nodded. "I understand."
"Good," Victor sat up, ran fingers through Danny's hair a final time as he stood. "I'll see you soon."
Huggy and Mo came and took him back to his room. Huggy took off the belt and cuffs and gave him clothes to wear, Danny recognised them as his own clothes he'd been wearing when he'd first been brought, though fresh and clean. He got dressed and Huggy stepped forward with a needle in hand. Danny sat down on the bed and let Huggy sedate him.
The last thing he remembered before passing out was that Huggy had shaved off his goatee.
