Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my writing.


Chapter 9:

She is sitting at her sick father's bedside, elbows resting beside his chest, when her sister walks in. She has been crying, but Meredith is dry-eyed. Meredith, who has his blood. Meredith, who could save him if only she felt he deserved it. She sees her and she is desperate. Please. Please give me my father back. But in her heart, she isn't sure that Meredith will. In her heart, she's terrified that her sister will let him die.

Blue eyes meet brown and then flit away. She wipes her cheeks in a futile effort to dry them. Please. It's my father.

"You used to pour my cereal in the morning." Meredith's tone is matter-of-fact, and calm enough to nearly mask the deep childhood hurt in her eyes. She feels terrible. She can't understand how a man who was so good to her could have caused her sister this much pain. He used to pour her cereal too, with a smile and a tap on the nose and a toy brought home from work. He used to make her happier than any little girl in the world. "That's it." Her father looks pained. Meredith doesn't stop. "That's all I remember about you." She can't imagine what that would be like. "You're not my father." He is to me. "You're just the guy who used to pour my cereal." He's that and so much more. "And if you die, it probably won't change my life that much." She knows now. This is it. Her sister is going to refuse to help. Her sister is going to do what's well within her right and sentence the only parent she has left to die.

"But it will change hers." She looks up. "If you die, it will break her." Meredith is right. She can't imagine life without him. She doesn't know how to pick herself up after another loss. "And I'm not gonna let you do that." Her breath catches. She's afraid to even hope.

"I don't know what it's like to have a father." Meredith shakes her head at Thatcher and then her eyes shift to meet hers. She gives her a tiny smile. "But I do know what it's like to have a sister. And it's good." The tears start to fall again. She is overwhelmed with love for her big sister, that she would do this for her. Nothing in the world could make for a more precious gift.

"And if we can get through this, the door will be open for us to get to know each other. The door's open." Meredith turns and walks out of the room, shutting the door behind her. She is left alone with her father, imagining a little girl who grew up without smiles, without treats, without Daddy. Wondering how she could be so lucky that the little girl without a father is willing to go under the knife for hers.

She sobs at her father's bedside, thanking God for the wonderful woman that, against all odds, her sister has managed to become.

"There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o!" Lexie sang along with her iPod as she pulled Zola's pyjama shirt over her head. Over the past few weeks, Lexie had become painfully familiar with most nursery rhymes under the sun, but Bingo was Zola's favourite. It had become a morning routine to sing through it as they got dressed.

"B- I- N G O!" Pyjama pants came off.

"B- I- N G O!" Pull-up went on.

"B- I- N G O and Bingo was his name-o!" Lexie popped a shirt over Zola's head, zipped up her jeans and helped her to stand. Therein ensued the regular twenty minutes of struggling to pull off something creative regarding Zola's hair, which inevitably ended with Lexie giving up and putting it into two relatively failsafe pigtails. Lexie was lowering Zola down into her highchair as Bingo finished its eighth run.

"Again Aunty, again!" Zola clapped her hands, her cheeks full of oatmeal. Lexie grinned, her finger scrolling through songs as she kept one eye on her niece.

"No Zo-zo, you know the deal. Your music before breakfast, my music after." Lexie finally stopped on one of her favourite Tegan and Sara songs and danced around doing the dishes until Zola was finished her breakfast.

"All I wanna get is…" Out of the highchair.

"A little bit closer." Shoes on.

"All I wanna know is…" Buttoned-up jackets.

"Can you come a little closer." Out the door.

Driving to the hospital, Lexie found she had trouble concentrating on the road. Over and over, she was seeing Mark's pupils contract in the beam of her penlight. She had searched for a Neuro attending before leaving the hospital the night before, only to discover that it was a quiet night and a fifth-year had been put in charge of the floor. She wasn't going to let any idiot fifth-year falsely diagnose Mark, and since it wasn't technically an emergency she had resolved to wait until the morning. Now she was running on next to no sleep, but she had never in her life felt more energized. She dropped Zola off at daycare at 5:00 on the dot, a half-hour before her pre-rounds started. The Neuro attending was waiting for her in Mark's room when she arrived there a few minutes later.

"Dr. Grey, I'm very much hoping that you paged me here because what you have to tell me absolutely cannot wait until rounds in an hour." Dr. Clemens, the surgeon on Mark's case, was no Derek Shepherd. He was balding and thin, with wrinkles on his forehead and none around his mouth. He had good credentials and was an acceptably skilled surgeon, but never went out of his way to do anything more than he had to. Lexie wished more than anything that Mark was in Derek's capable hands instead, but for now she had to make do.

The most important thing, Lexie knew, was to seem like a doctor and not a family member. She had one chance to make her case, and only Mark would pay if she blew it.

"I have reason to believe that Mark Sloan may not be entirely brain-dead." Lexie forced her hands to remain at her sides, willing them to not gesticulate wildly as she was known to do. Dr. Clemens looked no more intrigued than if Lexie had told him that the cafeteria was out of yogurt.

"And what reason is that? Was it a dream? A sign from God?" Lexie's cheeks burned. The neurosurgeon didn't even have the decency to take her seriously.

Dr. Clemens must have seen the anger on her face. "Dr. Grey, I know how close you are to the patient. I also know how tempting it can be to manifest false hope for a positive outcome." Dr. Clemens shook his head, a doctor's cold sympathy in his eyes. "Tell me what you had to tell me, but know that, in my professional opinion, Mark has been brain-dead for four weeks. And he will continue to be brain-dead until he is unplugged." Lexie drew in a sharp breath and willed back the tears. She could not be Mark's girlfriend right now, or his power of attorney. She had to be his doctor.

"Dr. Clemens, is it normal for brain-dead patients to have a pupillary reaction four weeks after having been declared brain-dead?" Dr. Clemens's eyebrows shot up. Lexie felt a second of gratification at his momentary surprise.

"It is not standard, but not uncommon." Dr. Clemens answered after some consideration. "Certainly nothing to hinge all of your hopes and dreams upon." Lexie bit her cheek against a waspish retort. "I'll examine him during rounds and order tests if it's necessary." He cut off Lexie's reply with a raised hand. "It would be unwise to get your hopes up. I will page you if anything changes." Lexie watched him walk away, different emotions turning over in her stomach. She strongly disliked Dr. Clemens and wanted to believe that his bad attitude made him a bad surgeon, but logically she had to admit that that probably wasn't the case. Much as she longed for a simple, easy solution, it seemed as if none would be forthcoming just yet.

He said he would page you, she reasoned. Mark's been under for this long; another little while won't kill him. Try to go on with the day and forget about it for now.

As if forgetting about Mark was something that she had ever been able to do.

"Doctor Grey." Lexie winced. Dr. Bailey had a way of addressing her that made her feel perpetually in trouble. She stood up a little straighter and braced herself. "There are two things that you need to explain to me before rounds, so I suggest you explain quickly unless you want to find yourself late."

"Ok-"

"Number one! It says on the schedule that you are on my service. Care to tell my why you're on my service and not in Ortho, where you have been every other day of the week?" Lexie sighed. With all her excitement over Mark, she had been able to put yesterday's abysmal performance in surgery out of her mind. Now the show was back on. In colour.

"I'm off her service," Lexie said meekly, wishing she could disappear.

"Are you making a habit of getting kicked off people's service, Dr. Grey?" Dr. Bailey's voice was hard, but her eyes betrayed her concern. Behind all the tough love, she was really only looking out for her.

"No, Dr. Bailey."

"Glad to hear it." Dr. Bailey handed her a chart. "You're on mine now, and I don't kick bad residents off my service. I keep them close and let them handle every abscess and enima that comes my way."

"I unders-"

"Number two!" Lexie blinked and shut up."For the past few weeks I've been seeing you around the daycare more than I have around patients." Dr. Bailey crossed her arms. "I thought it might be nothing, until I visited my son at lunch yesterday and found him playing with your niece, who is supposed to be out of town with her father." Crap. The fact that she was caring for Zola was never really meant to become a secret, but somehow no one had asked about it until now. Could she actually get in trouble for what she was doing?

Dr. Bailey pursed her lips and lowered her voice. "Lexie Grey, tell me that you are not looking after a two-year-old on top of everything else right now." Lexie looked at Dr. Bailey sideways for a long second before deciding that there wasn't much point in trying to hide the truth.

"Yes. Zola has been staying with me." Turns out, it wasn't herself that Lexie should have been worried about. It took Dr. Bailey less than a second to pull out her phone and speed-dial Derek's number.

"Of all the dirty, irresponsible, rotten things to do-"

"Wait! Hang up the phone Dr. Bailey, please." Dr. Bailey held the phone up to her ear for a second longer, staring at Lexie in disbelief, before punching her thumb to end the call.

"Lexie, that child is not your responsibility!" Lexie could tell that Dr. Bailey was just getting started, and she quickly jumped in before the conversation left her hands completely.

"I know. I've known that from the beginning. But…" Lexie struggled to find a way to explain. "I love her, Dr. Bailey." The words were unplanned, but they opened the way for the rest of her feelings to come spilling out. "I love her so much. I love waking up with her and playing with her. I love her laugh when she's surprised and I love how she curls up close to me at night. And-" Why not just admit it? "And I love that she reminds me of her mother every day." Lexie was expecting another rebuttal, but instead Dr. Bailey turned away and swiped at her eyes. She cleared her throat before answering.

"That family is lucky to have you." Lexie smiled sadly. There was nothing lucky about the way that Zola's family had been broken apart. Nothing at all lucky about growing up without a mother. But Lexie was doing her best. She and Zola would get each other through it.

Dr. Bailey cleared her throat a second time. "Tuck, he- he loves babies. So if you need a night, or a day, I can take her. If you need it." Lexie felt a swell of gratitude. Here, for the first time, was a chance at being less alone. It was a lifeline and it was as precious as gold.

"Thank you. You have no idea how much that means." Dr. Bailey swatted her.

"Enough! It's time for rounds." She ambled off, muttering under her breath "...makin' me cry before the sun's even up…" Lexie smiled, taking a moment to appreciate Dr. Bailey's complete lack of eloquence before running after her.

Lexie walked up the stairs, carrying Zola and counting flights until she made it to the fifth. This apartment complex was a second home to her. This was where she had been happy with Mark. This is where they'd lived in the precious few months when everything was right. If she could do it all over again, she'd go back and savour every last moment that the two of them had had here together. She'd reach for him when they were fighting and remind him that in a world full of plane crashes and comas it wasn't worth it to spend even a second being angry with each other.

Lexie had to force herself away from the apartment with 501 on the door. That wasn't what she was here for. She turned across the hall, to 502, and knocked on the door before she could change her mind. Callie opened the door, looking frazzled and entirely surprised to see her.

"I tried to call. I, um…" Lexie was suddenly cursing every instinct that had led her here tonight. "Zola misses Sofia." She lowered her voice. "And I've come to see Arizona." Callie looked from her to the toddler in her arms, her hand hovering over the doorknob.

"Aunty Callie!" Zola threw her arms open and squirmed to get out of Lexie's grip. Lexie send a silent thank-you to her niece as Callie smiled and reluctantly pulled the door open.

"You can come in. But I don't know how much luck you'll have." Callie's voice was full of bitterness as she turned to scoop Zola up into her arms. "Come on pretty lady, let's go find your cousin!" Callie nodded towards the closed door on the other side of the apartment and then walked away with Zola. Lexie crossed over to the door, but couldn't quite bring herself to knock. Is this a good idea? What if I somehow make things worse? Talking to Dr. Bailey today had made Lexie see that the worst thing about the plane crash was the crushing loneliness that had followed. She had thought that maybe, if she talked to Arizona about what had happened, it could help them both heal and take some of the weight off of Callie's back. But the idea of facing up to the ugly truths of the crash also terrified her. Now that she was actually here, she felt frozen.

The sound of little girls laughing behind her strengthened her resolve. Sofia deserved a mother, and she still had one. Arizona's daughter needed her. She knocked three times on the door.

"Go away, Callie." Arizona's voice was muffled.

"It's not Callie. It's Lexie." Silence. Lexie pushed open the door.

Arizona was sitting up in bed, the covers pulled up to her stomach. Her hair was a mess of curls and all she was wearing was a blue tank top. She stared daggers as Lexie stepped into the room and shut the door behind her.

"Hi." Lexie tried for a smile.

"Get out." Arizona's voice rang out, clear and angry. "Leave my house."

"I really wanted to see you. I know how hard it's been-" Lexie struggled to make herself heard, but Arizona cut her off.

"You know? You know? You walked away from a plane crash without a scratch! You are whole. You don't know anything, Lexie." Arizona pulled the covers closer to her and sneered. "Don't think I don't know why you're here. You're trying to heal, is that right? Trying to make it all better?" Lexie shut her eyes. Yes. I'm trying. Please give me a chance. "Well guess what: some things don't heal."

"I know that. I'm sorry. I tried-"

"-and you failed, Lexie. You were in the woods, with nothing. Of course you failed. And Callie failed too. In a hospital full of medicine she chose to reach for the saw." Arizona slammed her fist against the nightstand beside her, rattling the wall. "You both failed, and I'm stuck in this goddamned bed paying the price." Lexie swallowed. She could see the decay of Arizona's leg. She could almost smell it. The forest, barely held at bay in the daytime, was threatening to consume her. "So I don't want to see you." Arizona's face was deadly calm. "Why don't you go back to crying over your dead sister and your dying boyfriend and just leave me in peace." Lexie drew herself up, her fists clenching. Rage and grief were boiling over, but she shoved them down and forced herself to leave the room without replying.

She nearly ran into Callie outside the door. "Lex-"

"I'm sorry. You're right." Lexie moved past her and picked Zola up off the floor. "She didn't want to see me. I shouldn't have come." She felt a deep resentment for Arizona then, who had called feelings back into Lexie's life that she was finally starting to bury. Arizona, who still had a family that was whole and that loved her. Arizona, who had lost a leg but not a sister. Not a lover. Not a life. Lexie would sit in a wheelchair until the day she died if it meant having Mark and Meredith back. She would give anything to have what Arizona was wasting.

Lexie carried Zola to the door and out of the apartment without saying goodbye and without looking back.

"Aunty, what's this?" Lexie turned around, surprised to see Zola out of bed, holding up a book.

"I'm on my way, honey. Hop into bed, I'm just getting your sippy cup. We can read that one tonight if you want." Lexie smiled at her niece and followed after her into the bedroom with milk in one hand and the book in the other. The two of them climbed into bed.

"And this one's called…" Lexie flipped open the book. "Oh." Her breath caught. A picture of Meredith smiled out at her. She had one arm around Cristina and the other held a younger Zola. It wasn't a storybook, it was a photo album. "We can't read this one, sweetie. Maybe a different book?" But Zola's eyes had lit up.

"Mommy!" She jabbed a finger at the picture, her hands struggling to flip the page. "More pictures, Aunty!" Lexie looked down at Zola. She had already grown so much since the picture was taken. Her mother would never get to see it.

Lexie turned the page.

"Who's that?"

"That's Mommy with her new puppy that she brought home from the pound."

"Who's that?"

"That's Mommy and Daddy on a ferryboat."

"Who's that?" Lexie's eyes fell on the picture and she had to fight back tears.

"That's Mommy and me with grandpa in the hospital." She remembered it so clearly. "He was very sick and Mommy helped him to be all better." Zola was already flipping the page.

"Who's that?" Lexie smiled, the picture blurring and then becoming crystal clear after the tears fell.

"That's- that's Mommy and me." The picture was perfect, taken by Derek outside Seattle Grace after a long day at the hospital. Both sisters looked exhausted, but they were smiling. A patient with terrible odds had pulled through. That night, Derek and Meredith had invited Lexie back home to celebrate with champagne and takeout from Meredith's favourite pizza place. Eventually Derek went to bed, but Lexie and Meredith stayed up and danced until all hours of the morning and then spent their next shift regretting every second of it. Careful writing on the back of the picture said Me and Lex, February 2012. Just a few short months before the crash.

Lexie wasn't sure where the photo album had been hiding this past month. Zola had never come across it before. But she knew that Meredith would want her to treat it as a gift. She felt a surge of love for the woman in the photos and, in that instant, missed Meredith more than ever.

"Oh no, Aunty!" Zola reached up and brushed the tears off of Lexie's cheeks. Seeing the little face gazing up at her, Lexie felt the terrible tightness in her chest loosen. Meredith was gone. But this little girl, this legacy, was still here. And for now, she was Lexie's to protect.

"Bedtime, Zo." Lexie carefully shut the photo album and put it on the end table. She turned the light off.

In the dark, she began to sing.

"Hushabye, don't you cry, go to sleepy little baby.

When you wake, you shall have

All the pretty little ponies…"