Disclaimer: It's not mine.
AN: I had a really bad case of writer's block, but I finally got around it and finished this chapter. I started classes again today, so hopefully I'll get some time to write and if I do I hope my writer's block will be gone. Also sorry if some medical facts don't match up, I did my best. I think this is my shortest ever AN, so I'm kind of proud. Thanks.
"I'm just gonna let you talk and try my hardest to be quiet here. You know that won't easy for me and I don't even know if it's possible but I'll try. I'm asking you this though, please just tell me everything. I'm being honest here, I don't think I can handle living like this anymore, with you telling me just half truths or sometimes not telling me anything at all. I was so happy these past couples of days because you talked to me, we were finally talking and then I have it all blow up on my face today.
I don't know when or even why you stopped trusting me. It hurts that you don't because for me there is no one else I would want to go to when I'm happy, or sad or anything really. If I'm happy I want to hug you and for you to smile with me just so I can be even happier. If I'm confused I want you to be the one to clear my head. If I'm angry I want you to calm me down, even if you were the one who made me angry in the first place. If I'm sad I want you to be the one to draw a smile back on my face. And above all I want to do the exact same thing for you.
So please tell me this: will I ever be able to draw a smile on your face every day like I used to?"
She had sat there crossed-legged in front of him waiting for him to say that they were over, that he had had enough. But he didn't and for that she felt relieved.
When he was finished she rested her cheek against the couch and smiled at him. This was the answer she was giving him; he would always make her smile.
He did the same and then ran his fingers over the top of her head. "You can talk now. I swear I'll be as quiet as I can be."
"Okay. I have a lot to say so please be patient, because I'm willing to tell you everything and I need to do it in a way you'll understand everything I have to say."
He nodded.
"I love you. I've loved you ever since I met you and I know this is for good and I won't ever stop loving you. I've said some mean things and I've made you feel like you're not worth it. I've pushed you away, I've made you worry about me through entire nights without an explanation, I've made you worry period.
And I hate myself when I do it because you don't deserve it. I even made you stop writing; you can't even write anymore."
"That's not important."
"Yes it is, because it's what you love."
"I'll have you know that I started writing again when I thought everything was better between us. If you're okay, I'm okay."
"I'm working on it." She paused and then continued. "When you left today, after you dropped me off, I was so concerned about you. I had all these thoughts running through my head about what you were doing, how were you feeling and when it got late I even thought something might have happened to you. That's when I realized how I had made you feel every time I didn't come home."
"As long as we're being honest, I have to admit something. Most of the time I was so scared that you might not come back that I ended up crying, as unmanly as that might sound. You only saw me two or three times because I know you hate it when I do, so I hid it from you."
"I'm so sorry", she said while reaching out to hug him.
He stopped her before she could. "No, not now. It's always like this. I hug you and comfort you, and then you cry. When you finally calm down, you pretend like nothing happened and everything goes back to the way it was, messed up. So please just tell me where you were when you didn't come home."
She looked hurt at his lack of affection but recognized the truth in his words so she let it go.
"I always went to my Dad's grave and then to my mom's house to feel a little closer to Olive. I never did try to get in; I just sat outside crying and desperately trying to feel like everything I thought was okay in my life, really was. It never did the trick though, but when I came home and saw you a part of me became alive again. I never was lying when I promised you things would get better. I truly believed that, because that's what you do to me. You make me want to be better, you make me believe that everything has an answer and every problem has a solution. I'm determined to do it. I want to be better for you. I want to be better for Olive. And you do put a smile on my face every day; even if it's a small one, it keeps me going."
"I would have been there. If you had asked me, I would have taken you to those places and be there for you. Why didn't you want me to be there for you?"
"There are some things that I don't want to put you through and that I need to do alone. But Cohen don't you get that I'm saying? You were always there for me, helping me get through every single day. It might not have been the best way and you might have not realized it, but you were still there."
"That's all I've ever wanted, to be there for you, to understand you."
"You were. And if it makes you feel any better, I don't think you'll ever really understand me. I'm a girl and you're a guy, it's normal that we don't totally get each other."
He smiled. "You know what I meant."
She nodded and he took her hand and kissed it before dropping it again.
"That's not everything is it? You still haven't told me about the other thing."
"Yes, I know. It all started that day when you went to Chicago to have that meeting with your publisher, and I had Olive with me that day."
"I want this, and this, and this, oh and this one too." Olive was pilling up every single sweet thing she could find into her mini pink supermarket cart.
Summer had not being paying much attention to her, focusing on getting everything she needed and listening to her voice that had to be just loud enough to know that she was still walking behind her. She realized that she had heard many wants from Olive but hadn't really seen what she had picked up.
She turned around and saw Olive's cart overflowing with everything from cookies to cakes.
"And this", she said smiling proudly up at her.
"Olive, I said you could get a couple of sweets not hundreds. Only two sweetie, you have to pick among these." She said gesturing to her full cart.
"But I like all of these", she answered trying to bargain.
"You can't have them all, they'll make your tummy hurt." She tried to reason. "These are your favorite cookies right?" She said pointing to a box.
Olive nodded.
"And you can have the chocolate cake too, but you have to share it with Daddy because it's too big for you. Okay?"
She nodded again.
When she finished taking out all the candy from the cart, she continued walking making sure her now grumpy and pouting daughter was still walking behind her.
"Sum!"
She was sure that had been Olive, her voice was unmistakable to her. What she wasn't sure was why she was calling her that. She walked up to where Olive had stayed behind and kneeled in front of her.
"What did you just called me Bee?"
"Can I have these lollypops?" She asked ignoring her question.
Summer took the bag from her hands and put it back on the shelf. "Did you call me Sum? Why?"
"It's your name. Daddy calls you that", she said like it was obvious.
"But you've never called me that before, you call me Mama, how come?"
"Because Mara said so", she admitted shyly.
Summer recognized the name Mara from the granddaughter of one of her mom's friends who sometimes had play dates with Olive. "What did she say?"
"She said you're not supposed to have two Mommies. I told her I had Mommy and you and she said that was wrong."
"It's not wrong sweetie. What else did she said to make you call me by my name?"
"She said that a Mommy is the person you live with, and takes you to daycare and tucks you in every night. I told her that you and Mommy did that and then she asked me who does it more often. I told her that Mommy did, so she said that meant she was my Mommy and not you. She also said I should call you by your name because you're not my Mommy."
"We have to go now." She picked Olive up from the floor and ignored her complaints that would quickly turn into cries. They were most likely cries for cookies, not taking notice that what she had just said was what was making her mother struggle to keep her tears in, at least until she reached the car.
If someone had asked Summer, before this moment, if she considered herself a good or a bad mother, she would have probably said she tried to be the best she could. If someone asked her after hearing her daughter say she wasn't her mother, she would most likely say she was a failure. Even if it was the reasoning of a three year old and her five year old friend, the bottom line was that her baby thought that her grandmother was her mother instead of her.
She had to get out of there. She had to get home and cry in her bed, wishing Seth wouldn't have to be on a trip on this day of all days.
When she was about to cross the door to the store she felt someone tapping her on the shoulder. She turned to see an employee handing her Olive's pink cart that she had forgotten on the aisle. All the while Olive's screams kept getting louder, now resorting to kick her legs against her to try to get down.
She grabbed the cart with her free hand and turned to leave when she felt the woman's hand on her shoulder again. "Excuse me, is she your daughter? She seems really agitated."
Feeling speechless at the woman's statement, she turned Olive just enough so the woman could see her face.
She looked at Olive and then immediately back at her, noticing the obvious resemblance between them. "I'm sorry to have kept you. There's no doubt she's yours. You have a really beautiful daughter."
But she didn't hear that, all she could hear was her mind saying 'at least get to the car before you breakdown,' just before she did reach it.
The ride was fairly quiet after Olive figured her cries weren't going to get her anything and decided to stop.
She called Seth in the car, and when he didn't answer, she left a message saying she needed him back.
Immediately regretting it, thinking about how important the meeting was for his future books, she called him back. This time she left a fairly calmed message saying everything was fine and that he should come back when he was scheduled to. She knew her second message wasn't convincing enough, that Seth would figure out something had happened to her. But at least it would keep him there as opposed to his first message that would make him want to jump on the first plane he could catch.
When she got home, Olive had fallen asleep so she carried her up to her room. She then busied herself with making lunch only for Olive since she was anything but hungry. Olive ate in silence in a mixture of angriness and confusion caused by her mother's uneasiness. She ran out as soon as she was finished. Summer stayed behind choosing to clean everything up before she went up to talk to her.
She found her playing quietly on her bed. Being quiet was not something Olive excelled at, and she also never played alone forcing everyone around to play with her. But she hadn't asked her to play with her which was making her think she had caused Olive to pull away from her.
"Do you want me to play with you Olive?"
She shook her head no, not even looking up at her.
"Okay. I'll be in my room if you need me." She didn't want to push her because she knew she was just as stubborn as she was. It would take a lot of talking to make Olive stop ignoring her, and she just didn't know what to say to her to make her stop.
She woke up a little shaken up when she realized she had fallen sleep. She picked up her cell phone from her nightstand thinking about calling Seth. She saw that she had a lot of voice mails and even more missed calls from him. At first, all she had wanted was his arms around her comforting her. Then she realized he would probably try to make her feel better, reassuring her she was a great mother, and that was something she didn't want to hear right now.
She had seen his face every time she had revealed a part of her life to him. He had been anything but supportive every time she did, but she had also seen that he started worrying too much about everything involving Olive and her. She loved him for that and for many other reasons, but sometimes she wished the Cohen she knew from when they had first started going out would come back to her.
He eventually got over it and went back to his funny -making her laugh all the time- ways, and she intended to keep him that way. She knew it was always in the back of his mind that something might happen to her, and she wanted those thoughts to stay there. If he saw how miserable this 'incident' with Olive had made her today, his worrying would come back, and she didn't think she could deal with that. That's why she decided to start keeping some things to herself, even if all she wanted was Seth to hold her and let her be.
She was taken out of her thoughts when she saw Olive in her doorway, looking at her weirdly, probably because she had been standing there for some time.
Summer gave her a small smile to test her mood and patted the space next to her on the bed.
She obviously wasn't over her temper because she shook her head no. "Is Daddy coming home soon?"
"Not until tomorrow morning, he's on a trip, remember?"
"Oh", she said trailing off.
"Do you want to talk to him?"
"Yes."
"You can talk to me."
"I don't want to."
"Why?"
"Because you don't love me."
She was in front of her in a second, picking her up and hugging her as close as she could without hurting her. Olive was pretty much confused but hugged her back anyway, happy to have Summer hugging her again. She sat her down on the bed next to her.
"Olive, I love you more than anything in the world. More than you can even understand now. What made you think that I didn't?"
"You were mean to me today and you yelled at me."
She probably had said something along the lines of 'stop crying' or 'be quiet' in a not so nice way earlier today. She felt bad because Olive didn't even know what she had said to make her like that, she was so innocent, and didn't deserve it.
"I'm sorry baby. What happened was that I didn't like what you said to me, and I know it wasn't your fault because you were believing what your friend told you. Sometimes people say things without knowing the truth behind it, and Mara doesn't understand how your family works."
"Was she wrong?"
"Yes. First of all, I am your mother. I carried you in my belly for 9 months, and when you were born I loved you more than I thought it possible. I took care of you every single day and I fed you and put you in bed every night just like your grandmother does now. But then something happened that made you have to go live with Mommy. That doesn't mean it was my choice to be away from you, and it certainly doesn't mean I love you any less. You did know that Mommy is your grandmother right? I had told you that before."
"Yes, I know that Mommy is your Mommy but I got confused when she said all that."
"I know you did. I also want you to know that it's okay to call your grandmother Mommy if you feel like it. You don't have to change that because it's not wrong."
"Can I still call you Mama?"
"I love it when you call me that because it reminds me that you love me. And to be honest, I don't like it when you call me Summer", she said scrunching up her nose to make her laugh.
She did laugh, becoming happy again. "I love you Mama."
She gave her a big and noisy kiss on the cheek before saying "you too baby".
"We can call Daddy now if you want, I'm sure he'll be happy to hear our voices. Then it's time for your nap, and when you wake up we can have cookies, ok?"
"Okay", she answered, happily bouncing on her spot.
He was surprised when she told him what Olive had said, and he distinctively remembered he knew something had happened but she had denied it. He was also proud of her, because she seemed to have handled the situation truly well.
"You never did get over Olive saying you weren't her mother, did you?"
"No", she admitted.
"Summer, she's barely four years old; she didn't know what she was saying."
"It's true though. I haven't been a mother to her; I should have done something earlier."
"Like I've said to you before, you are a mother to her. She loves you so much it's scary, and at the end of the day that's all that matters. Besides, there's really nothing we can do about the past now. It's better if we focus on today and make things right day by day."
"Yeah, I know you're right. There's one more thing. This I didn't told you because it would have freaked you out. What happened to me was a mixture of everything I've told you but it's mostly because of this."
"I won't freak out. What is it?"
"That same night you were gone, after Olive had gone to sleep, I was doing some research for work when I came across this article. It basically said that there was research that showed that some antidepressants may cause woman to become unfertile and among them was the one I was taking. I basically freaked out."
"Oh my God…", he said shocked.
"I know it's not anywhere near in the future, and I don't even know if I ever want another child. But that night I felt like I'd failed with Olive, and I thought that perhaps if we ever decided to have a baby I could do better because you would be with me. Somehow we have never discussed this, but I thought that maybe you would want one too eventually. Am I even making sense?", she said kind of frustrated.
"I want another one."
"You do?" She smiled.
"Yes, like you said, eventually. We'd have to do it right though and Olive has to be with us, but I do want a baby with you."
"I do too."
"Imagine a baby boy with my hair, wouldn't that be cute?" He said jokingly.
"Poor baby with your messy hair", she said trying to keep herself from laughing.
"Hey!"
"It would be the cutest", she said giving in.
"Glad to hear you say it. Wait! So what did your doctor say?"
"She said it might only happen when you take it for more than five years, and I had only been taking it for two."
"Okay, good."
"But I still want to check with my gynecologist, just to make sure everything's fine."
"Yeah, that's probably best. And what did she say you have to do now? Did she put you on a different medication?"
"Yes, she changed it up. I have to go get it tomorrow at the pharmacy and I start therapy next week."
"That sounds good." "You can kiss me now and hug me all you want."
"Oh can I?" She said making fun of him.
"Or I can kiss you." He kissed her and hugged her with everything he was feeling and she giggled and laughed. And it all felt amazing, knowing there was nothing more standing between.
"I love you." He whispered in her ear.
She pulled away looking into his eyes. "I love you more", she said before giving him a smile.
"No you don't."
"Yes, I do."
"I definitely love you more."
"Fine", she said before kissing him again.
She pulled away and whispered close to his lips. "But I still love you more."
