Hey Let's Switch Turns!
Are. You. Okay?
A hustle and bustle in busy cities such as New York was an actuary's worse nightmare. Everything wild, unpredictable and dangerous. A place where muggings, murders, and robberies were the norm in the bad parts of this town. Cats yowled in the alleyways, people laughed loudly, shoved, shouted, insulted, threatened.
It was the worst place for a Guardian Angel to work.
A black-haired, tubby angel grumbled as he watched over his bald-headed, middle-aged charge that worked at Microsoft for a living. He sighed, jumping from one lamp post, to another, to another, waving hello distractedly to every other Gaurdian Angels who were on the same route. He turned his head for a minute to see another angel off, and then looked back and saw his charge heading blindly toward a manhole. Grabbing the manhole cover at the last minute, he covered it and wiped the sweat off his brow as the man walked off, never knowing that his life had just been saved.
Ah, the life of a Guardian angel, so fruitful and enjoyable. The black-haired angel rolled his eyes. Yeah right. It went on like this: The man would sightlessly go into harm's way, the angel would save the man from harm's way, and then shake, spin, and repeat. Today was no different.
"Hey, Fred." The black-haired angel turned to see a stubby blond haired angel with beady eyes who wore the same white robes as Fred and carried an oval lunchbox to his side.
"Hey, Barn."
"How's Wilma?"
"Fine. Just fine. And Betty?"
"Neeeever better!" Barney grinned, blinking his beady eyes. Fred sighed and opened his oval lunchbox, keeping an eye on his charge who was currently typing in documents for Bill Gates on the subject of bringing computers to underprivileged families.
"That's good."
"Hey Fred. Check this out."
"What is it, Barney?" Fred looked annoyed as he almost put Heavenly turkey sandwich (literally) in his mouth.
"Fred just look-"
"Look Barn, I've had it up to here," He pointed to his almost nonexistent neck, "with you always interrupting me." He growled, wagging a finger. "Well it's gonna stop right now."
"But-"
"There you go again interrupting me again. Tell me Barney, what's so interesting that you just HAVE to have bad manners? Huh? What could possibly be so important to keep me from speaking?" Fred asked, feeling as if Barney were an idiot and he had to explain everything slowly.
Barney held up a newspaper with Arnold and Helga in black-and-white on the cover, with cut-up wedding outfits on their bodies and a big question mark next to the picture. "God made THE Arnold and Helga switch places."
"WHAT?!" Fred accidentally tossed up his lunchbox with all his food inside of it and it came crashing down on an unsuspecting civilian. The unsuspecting civilian's Guardian Angel glared up at Fred and Barney, but they gave no notice.
"Lemme see that!" Fred grabbed the newspaper and mumbled out loud as he read. "...switched places.. hmm.. God.. WAIT? OUR GOD?" He looked at Fred. "Is this true?"
"Yes sirree, Fred." A sharp whap. "Ow! Fred, why'd you do that for?"
"Because I found out last." He grumbled, and skimmed some columns, "Helga prayed.. ha! I can see her doing that." Fred's eyes moved rapidly across the Angelic Print called St. Paul's Call, the fastest and most reliable news print this side of Elysium.
Barney laughed too. "They've got a friendly bet up at HQ on who's going to cave first: Helga or Arnold? And uh, keep it on the downlow... but they're also starting one on whether or not God can do it."
Another sharp whap. "And why wasn't I told of this?"
"Geez, I thought you knew. Slate said he told you."
"Grrrr.. Slate." Fred crumpled up the newspaper, then realizing what he was doing, uncrumpled it. "I'll show them."
"Um... Fred?"
"What?" He snapped irritability to his partner.
"Wasn't that your charge going out the door for lunch?"
"GAH!" Fred flew away, spreading his wings and flapping them as he tried to catch up with his charge. Barney laughed and watched after Bill Gates as he was assigned to. Man, this job was easy.
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Brainus walked with his Aunt until they reached her study. Well-actually it wasn't really a study. More of a place to matchmake, and create love-dovey couples and such and such. Romance was the theme here. There were golden pillars, with a white ceiling painted with a mural of his aunt being born from the sea's foams. There was a couch (you know the ones where movie stars faint on), bookcases the filled the walls with books of dramatic romance, sappy romance, happy romance, and the occasional R.L. Stine's Thriller. Brainus didn't know exactly why she kept those around.
Venus closed the door behind her. It wouldn't do if anyone overheard.
Brainus sat in a plushy beanbag (Venus had visited 60's Woodstock and simply adored these "silly mortal inventions") and sighed. "So what was so important for me to be talked to in private?"
"The mission."
"What do you mean, 'the mission'?"
"Helga and Arnold. Destiny. Fate. Ring any bells, dear nephew?"
He looked annoyed and tired, "Yes, that's the reason why I'm here. Why are you pursuing this even while you made sure Yahweh won the bet?"
"That's for me to know and for you to find out!"
"Auntie!"
"Oh hush, Brainus. I have my reasons for helping the Lord out. He'll thank me later." Brainus looked skeptical of his favorite aunt's reasoning.
"How do you feel?"
"I'm in love with a girl that's destined for another. I think I'll run around throwing around rose petals. Pretty darn lousy, Aunt Venus. Would I be anything else?" He felt even more tired by this admission. Aunt Venus smiled sympathetically and patted her nephew's hand.
"Wouldn't it make you more fulfilled to see her finally reunited with the one she hath loved for so many hundreds of years?" There was a silence. Brainus looked away at an empty space, sighing. Venus tucked away a blond curl.
The first time he had seen her, he knew she was special. He just knew. Brainus had become Brainy, after spending so many years in Mt. Olympus, envying the mortals for such pleasures they had.
He had been allowed to spend a mortal life span on Earth with his mother's mortal family descendants (who were puzzled at getting a relative. His mother had never really told them about Brainus). The town he was in was Hillwood, a nice town with it's problems like everywhere else, even in Mt. Olympus, but one thing made it different.
Her.
And, well, him. By him, he meant both Curly and Arnold. Arnold had that special soul that matched Helga's perfectly. While Brainus was a demi-God, Curly, or shall we say Thaddeus (as he was better known as in the Dietetic Dimension), was full-God.
At first Brainus thought maybe Thaddeus had wanted a piece of the mortal life as well and had been sheer coincidence that they were in the same place, at the same time. He had been wrong.
Thaddeus hadn't wanted the mortal life. He was undercover, working for his father, ready to foil another one of Destiny's lifetime attempts at bringing the two star-crossed couple together. Brainus, for a while, had considered bringing them together. On one night he... he stopped himself from remembering the rest of it and blinked at the memories. He had been foolish before. He wouldn't be foolish again.
After he had fallen for Helga, he soon discovered that she was destined (the fabled destiny/legend at that) to Arnold! He had slipped into a depression for weeks, then he vainly fought against the system, allowing himself under the fantasy that Helga could actually break away from Destiny and they would be together. He would make sure she wouldn't get sick, or die, or age. He would always to take care of her.
Brainus looked up and tried to say in his most convincing voice, "Yes, Aunt Venus. It would make me fulfilled."
Venus smiled at him and patted his head. "Good. Because you are on the mission with that new muse..what was her name? Matchness? Mismanage? Mis..."
"Matched. Muse of Mismatched Couples." Brainus leaned into the beanie bag, thinking of the new Earthly Muse and her peculiar ways of doing things. Venus seemed to have a grin without having a grin. Brainus looked at her suspiciously.
"What?"
"Oh nothing, nothing."
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A muse outside the door could hardly contain herself. Brainus. Now she remembered! A group of Muses had been sighing over him a week ago. Mismatched grinned. So... the hot guy would be all hers?
'Too bad he's so cool. I'd go out with him if I weren't so dorky.' Though Mismatched had to admit: the guy was cute.
She had an even wider grin as she realized that she had Venus's nephew on the job with her. 'YES! Score! I'll breeze through this matchmaking between Arnold and Helga with Venus' own nephew.' Mismatched nodded, gliding over the fact that Venus' own son could not even accomplish the task. Then she broke out into her happy dance and started skipping around. "WOOT!"
Unfortunately, due to this, it caused some attention to be drawn to her. She stopped dancing as she realized that Brainus and Venus had stuck their heads out the door, staring at her.
"Umm... hi?" She wiggled her fingers and laughed nervously. "I-I swear I wasn't dancing or even listening in on your conversation! I-I swear! PLEASE DON'T CURSE ME!" She started bowing, and thought of kissing their feet if the idea did not repulse her so.
Brainus arched an eyebrow in unison with his aunt. Okay, he was starting to get reaaaal creeped out.
"Child, you can stop bowing." Venus put a hand over her mouth to hide her smile. Mismatched stopped bowing, glancing around nervous.
"You mean... you won't curse me?"
Brainus looked to Venus and they both burst out laughing. Mismatched looked horribly perplexed. Venus supplied, "Dear child, I haven't cursed anyone since... since.." She thought, "I think it was a decade ago. The early nineties, I think."
"Why then and what did you curse?"
"Oh, that idiotic person who took Beavis and Butthead off the air." Venus looked angry. "I LOVED that show!" She looked like she was going to cry. Brainus quickly acted.
"Maybe you should go inside and rest, Aunt Venus."
"Thank you, dear." She gave a shuddering sigh. "The only show that made me laugh." She went inside, with tears in the corner of her eyes. Brainus gave a small frown and shake of the head.
"That show was her life."
Mismatched only blinked. That stupid show? "Umm... you do that Beavis and Butthead was saved and shot out of it's misery, right?"
"SHHH!" Brainus covered her mouth with his hand looking around nervously. "Do you want anyone to find out you said that?! Especially my grandpa! He loved that show too!"
Mismatched merely arched an eyebrow and couldn't but feel tingles when Brainus's hand was on her mouth. Man, that felt good. Brainus was thinking the same thing, and abruptly let go of her, stepping away, blushing.
"Um.." They said at the same time.
"So..?" They looked up and then Brainus grinned despite the butterflies in his stomach, not enjoying it at all, "I'll get the chariot."
"I'll get my..er..stuff."
They both nodded and walked away stiffly, wondering why they were feeling this way.
"Mismatched, you dope! You geek! You, you, you.." Mismatched held her head as she power walked through the halls. "Want everyone to know that you have the hots for Venus' nephew?"
"Wow, first Cupid, now this." A voice came from beside her. "You have something for Venusian bloodline or something?"
Mismatched looked down and saw a dark-brown haired girl with light brown eyes grinning up at her. She started nudging Mismatched. "Man, it must be a sort of disease."
"Um... do I know you?"
"You should! Come on! You mean, you don't remember me? Ash? You remember, at that Welcoming Party a month ago?"
Mismatched screwed up her face and thought back. Ash..? Then it came back to her like some cheesy flashback scene in a cartoon.
-Flashback-
Mismatched gaped at everything and got out her camera. "Ooooo, aaah, HEY YOU WITH THE WINE! YEAH YOU! SMILE!" She took a picture at the drunk fat man with grapes on his head. The man fell over himself as he saw pretty dots in the sky and cried, "MY EYES!"
Mismatched grinned and took in a deep breath. "Now I wonder where the orientation is..." All the new muses around her started clutching onto each other. Man, first she was dead, now she was in Mount Olympus! Wow, being good really DID pay off!
"Thanks Mom!" She whispered out loud and then took out her camera again, pointing it at a cute blond guy. "SMILE, YOU'RE ON MISMATCHED CAMERA!" The young man screamed and fell over himself, much like the fat man with wine. She walked over, then realized what she did.
"ACK! I am soooooo sorry!" She helped the blond guy up. "Are you okay?"
Then she looked at him. He gave a heroic smile and fixed his toga. "Yeah, nothing I can't handle." He said something else, but Mismatched was grinning and staring into his eyes. "What's your name?" He asked. Mismatched gurgled an answer through her saliva that was collecting in her mouth and dripping out of her mouth. The blond Adonis-like man blinked, and Mismatched continued to gurgle.
"Let me guess ... Mismatched?" He grinned, obviously amused. Mismatched stuttered, blushing, wiping away her spare drool. "I'm Cupid."
"Ye-ye-yeah.. Did you say C-cupid?"
"Yes." Was his suave reply.
Heavy breathing was heard and Mismatched got out a worn paper bag and breathed in and out of it, sweating profusely as Cupid stared. 'Oh my god, why does this always happen to me???' Then she felt she was being dragged back and looked up, still breathing in and out of the bag, and saw a grinning female.
"Hiya! Welcome to Mount Olympus. Errrm..." She looked down at a card in her hand. "Miss...Matched.." She oddly pronounced, frowning, then looked up grinning. "How do ya do?"
Mismatched looked at the hand offered at her, still using the bag as an inhalation helper, and shook it.
"Nice.." Breathe. "To.." Breathe. "Meet you." Breathe.
She gave a pause for a name, but the female just smiled. Mismatched rolled her eyes. Suuuuuuure. Leave all the hard stuff to her. Then she saw the HELLO, I AM tag that said in scribbly handwriting, 'ASH.' "Umm..Ash?" By this time she put away her brown bag.
"Wow! How did you know my name!" Mismatched tried to tell her but Ash kept on talking. "Wow! This is, like, the first time for me being here! I'm usually held up in the mail department." Mismatched sighed and smiled, feeling a little safe around this small girl no older than twelve. "Man, did you hear about Santa?"
"The-The SANTA?" Mismatched's eyes bulged at the mention of the Great One of Presents.
"Yeah." Ash arched her eyebrow. "Don't tell me. You're from Earth, right?"
"..Yeah, so?"
"Ooooooh..." Ash nodded, understanding some invisible fact that the girl before obviously didn't know. Mismatched blinked.
"What do you mean, 'ooooooh'? What does 'ooooooh' mean?" Mismatched already decided she didn't like what 'oooooooh' meant in any case, the way Ash seemed to be using it.
"Never mind." Ash grinned. "anyways, Santa is having this nasty divorce from the Tooth Fairy!"
"WHAT?" Mismatched yelled, causing some attention to be dragged to her. Ash grabbed the muse.
"Sssh! Want everyone to find out? This is some juicy gossip here." Ash hissed.
"Oops, sorry." she whispered back.
"Anyway, the Tooth Fairy supposedly was cheating on Santa with the Easter Rabbit!"
"But I always thought Santa was married to Mrs. Claus."
"Pffft." Ash laughed, rolling her eyes. "You Earthling Mortals! That's just a cover-up. Santa's actually a very eligible bachelor."
"My view on Christmas will never be the same."
"Good, because that's just a cover-up too."
Mismatched decided she didn't want to hear anymore. What if St. Patrick's Day was a cover-up as well? Or even, *gasp* Hanukkah?? "Why so many cover-ups?"
"Well, you know mortals," Ash laughed, "They are so into things sometimes like when we hit Roswell with aliens, and set up some of their holidays to give us some day off... come on! The food's getting cold." Ash grabbed Mismatched's arm and dragged her deep into the Olympian feast and Greek party that celebrated the new Muses being hired.
-End Flashback-
"Oh yeaaaaaah. Ash. How could I forget?" Mismatched nodded, as she looked around for an exit away from her. Ash didn't seem to notice and latched unto Mismatched's arm.
"Man, it's been such a crazy month! Can you believe what has happened with Arnold and Helga? Guess what I heard? A new muse named Cross Hatched is taking the responsibility!"
Mismatched sighed. "Actually it's MISMATCHED." Ash stared at her wide-eyed.
"YOU?"
"...umm.. I don't see anyone else named-"
"WOWZIES!"
"I haven't heard that since.. the Sixties Movie Marathon when I was alive!" Ash chose to ignore that comment. She grinned and gripped harder.
"So what's it like being picked by Venus?"
"Um. Okay, I guess." Mismatched stole a look to an open window and saw Brainus talking with a random God and pointing to a golden chariot with a flying horse. Ash 'ooh'ed and 'aah'ed like she was enamored by her new friend's answer.
"Cooooool." Ash grinned wider. Then she looked out the window slyly. She nudged Mismatched. "So, uh, back on the subject of you having the hots for Brainus."
Mismatched sputtered. "Wha-what?" She giggled nervously. "I have no idea what you're talking about! I SO DO NOT have the hots for HIM!"
"Pffft! Yeah right! And the world actually goes round!"
"It does."
"Whoops, my bad. Wrong universe. But the point is that you have an attraction for Venus' nephew."
"How would you know? You don't know me!"
"Yes I do. I sort of followed you around."
"YOU WHAT??" Mismatched's eyes bulged. So that's why she felt like she was being followed. She actually was. "You're sick!"
"No, I'm the Muse of Many Talents. There's a difference. Muse of Many Talents, being sick, Muse of Many Talents, sick. See?" Ash smirked at Mismatched who sputtered yet again.
"Whatever. I'm out of here. Brainus is- I mean," Mismatched shifted her eyes around, trying to avoid the obvious smirk and 'I-knew-I-was-right' look from Ash, "ARNOLD and HELGA are waiting for me. Yeah, them! Gotta go!" Without another word, Mismatched ran away.
"AHA! I KNEW IT!" Ash laughed in the hall, pointing after the red Muse of Mismatched Couples. "I JUST KNEW IT!"
Silence echoed around her, and after her laughter died away, Ash nervously looked around. Then she ran after Mismatched, "Yo, Mismatched, wait up! I was only joking! DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!!"
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Helga blinked and sheilded herself against the sun. Ugh ...her head felt like a stampede of Harolds ran through it a couple of times.
"Oy... I need some coffee.." She looked around, and blinked again, this time remembering something.
Wait a tick. She was in her own body!
The dream.
Yes.
Yes!
YES!
Smiling, she looked down expecting a pink nightgown, but to her great and utter disappointment (yet with a tinge of giddiness) only saw teddy bear pajamas instead.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
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Downstairs, Grandpa sipped his coffee, and looked up along with the borders to the ceiling as the scream echoed throughout the house, "Well, Shortman's up." And then went back to his newspaper.
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Helga paced. No. No. No. No. This was not happening. This could not be happening. She sighed and heaved herself into Arnold's computer chair, a frown as she rotated in circles. This was happening, wasn't it?
She put her head in her hands. Okay, Helga. Think. You can do this. You can do this. You can get through this. You're a Pataki. You're strong. You can deal with being in Arnold's body a little longer. It's not as if Arnold would get curious and accidentally open her closet and then- Another scream came out of her throat.
"OVER MY DEAD BODY!" With that, Helga stomped down to get Arnold's bureau and grumbled as she bunched jeans and a plaid t-shirt under her arms and went down the stairs as quick as lightning. There before her, was the longest line known to history.
Helga stared. "Are you SERIOUS?" she yelled to no one particular, gaining curious looks in return before she scowled at them (forgetting conveniently that Arnold does not scowl. At all.)
All this, for a bathroom? She couldn't believe it. Criminey! Frustrated, she waited outside in the line. Fifteen minutes later, she had begun to snore. She leaned against the peeling wallpaper on the wall, eyes full of sleep. Maybe if she just took a quick nap..
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She was jerked awake by a hand shaking her shoulder. She abruptly stood up, "Bacon? Where?" She looked around, with bags under her eyes and drool coming out of her mouth. She wiped it off.
"Uh.. Arnold? You okay?" Ernie asked, feeling strangely concerned for the boy.
"Um.." It took Helga a moment to realize that Ernie was talking to her.. or moreover to Arnold, which was the outer-her. "Um, yeah, yeah. Just didn't get good sleep last night."
"Ha, I know what you mean." The robed man jerked his head to the bathroom. "Are you going to use that?"
Helga craned her head around and noticed that the line wasn't there anymore. "...Yeah." She laughed nervously. "Thanks for waking me up."
"No problem." With one arched eyebrow look from the short man, he left. Helga breathed a sigh of relief then smirked. This being-Arnold-business was a breeze! She entered the bathroom, and smiled cheerfully at the mirror.
Then stopped. She looked down and then at the mirror then down again. Oh boy. Another problem. Just greeeeeat, Helga sighed, then banged her head softly against the door. She was going through it all over again like a vicious cycle.
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Arnold woke up groggily. Huh? Where was he? He looked around and saw pink. On no. He groaned, holding his head. So it wasn't just a bad dream. It was real. 'I guess I can't blame it on Grandma's cooking like I want to..'
He got up and looked at the pink dress. He sighed deeply and flopped back into the bed. What was he going to do? He then got up again and slyly got out of Helga's room, and looked around.
Then he sneaked downstairs and saw Bob still snoring on the couch and Miriam dozing on the sofa. He turned and went into the kitchen. Maybe if he surprised them with a breakfast they'd react better around him.
Plus, he still had to figure out what that weird dream meant.
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To be Continued!
I hope no one got 'offended' by the description of New York. I'm really, really sorry if someone was! *sniff* I didn't mean it. I'm just a girl.. *whimpers and curls into a fetal position* don't hurt me.. I also liked everyone's reviews. Thanks! ^.^
(Brainus, "Yeah, review and I'll give a teaser!")
BRAINUS!
(Brainus, " er..gotta go!" and runs away*)
*shakes fist* MAKING PROMISES WITHOUT MY CONSENT! COME BACK HERE!
(Brainy comes in when no one is there. "*wheeze* Bunni? *wheeze*...Anyone?
*silence echoes*")
Please leave a review at the sound of the beep and Bunni will get back to updating as soon as she can. Thank you and Merry Xmas!! *BEEEP*
