That last one was only short, and Ididn't want Visitkarte to despair of the chatter!

Sooo, still chatter, but like I said, what relationship, in its first days, isn't filled with chatter. Sometimes pointless, sometimes deep and sometimes just plain silly.

Christmas!

Same disclaimer.

Same plea.... feed me...

CHAPTER NINE

........Lessons continued all week with no major hic-cups. The strawberry coloured potion was, in the main part, the correct colour, and as Christmas drew nearer, the students got steadily less able to concentrate until the last day of term, when Snape relented, and allowed himself to be talked into teaching them a potion which, when thrown into the air, turned into sparkling white snow that could be used on trees and gardens. (And, with the addition of a different root and taken internally, could be used to freeze a man slowly to death from the inside out, but he thought it best not to tell them that. 'It was a very rare root' he told himself.)

No, the week passed smoothly, the only surprise coming on the last day, when after the leaving meal, Snape and Lupin had returned to the labs to tidy up to find two piles of cards, one for each of them. After Snape's primary reaction of miss-trust, where by he insisted on throwing several jinx detecting spells at them, he deemed them safe and they sat down with a pot of tea while Lupin read them all out until he got to the sixth years. Here they found that someone had charmed them to read their own messages. Snape smirked at Lupin;

"That has Miss Granger written all over it."

"She really is very clever."

"Worrying, isn't it."

When they had finished the tea, Lupin had noticed the small smile stay for most of the evening.

-0o0o0-

........Christmas morning had dawned bright, cold and clear, with an even covering of snow. When Snape had not turned up for breakfast, Lupin made his excuses for him, having had a very strong feeling that he wouldn't. Dumbledore had not seemed surprised, saying he never had attended Christmas meals in all the years he had been there. So, when it was finished and small gifts exchanged between staff, Lupin headed down to the dungeons where he found Snape stood in front of a window that had not been there earlier, glaring almost angrily at it for existing pointlessly. Lupin frowned, not wanting to start the morning in a melancholy way. He said lightly;

"Interesting. Sudden window appearance. Is it localised, or should I be worried when I take a shower?"

"Good morning Lupin. A simple charm Albus once taught me. I don't know why I cast it...I was wandering, has it snowed?"

"Yep, a proper Christmas card day. Happy Christmas by the way."

"Like wise. Is it real snow, or has our resident Christmas fairy been up to his tricks again?"

"No, I think it's real. Have you had breakfast?" at Snape's nod he carried on; "Well how about a walk in it then after you've opened your gifts…"

Snape turned, confused.

"Gifts?"

"Good grief, here, sit. And get rid of that window, its cold enough down here without me having to look at the snow!"

"I haven't got you anything, I never expected…nobody exchanges gifts with me, I wasn't brought up to expect presents, I'm sorry, I should have thought…"

"Severus! Stop! I didn't bring you these to start a bloody melancholy depression. Just sit down and open them!" Snape looked confused, but sat and fiddled with his hands as Lupin fetched in two parcels in shiny paper.

A soft fluffy dressing gown. Black, of course. And matching socks.

"Well, as you say, try spending a winter down here. You always look cold. And I know you don't sleep too good…Being warm might help…"

"How do you know?"

"Remember the Dreamless Sleep? Poppy had to alter it. You were resistant…"

"But not dependant!"

"She said. Quite a feat. It is highly addictive."

"I know, I came close once." said Snape with a grimace. "But back to the matter in hand… Thank you. They are very thoughtful."

"I'm pleased you like them. I also got you this…"he passed over a second fancily wrapped box, and Snape looked shocked.

"I really wasn't expecting you to get me anything."

"Well, 'I saw this', as they say."

"Who says?"

"It's a muggle saying. 'I saw this and thought of you'."

"Oh." He began to tear at the paper, revealing a smooth wooden box. He ran his hands over it, fingers carefully drinking in the grain of the wood. He found a catch, and sprang it open.

"This feels expensive, Remus." It was almost a chastisement. Almost.

"Well now I have a proper home again…" a smile was plastered on his face, he had seen it weeks ago, and bought it without even thinking about the price, knowing it would be perfect.

Snape's hands explored the chequered inside, realisation crossing his face. As he picked up one of the carved stone pieces, a bright cheery voice said;

"Black Knight!"

Snape almost dropped it in shock. He replaced it, picking another,

"White Pawn!" came a different voice. Snape put the piece back, and turned his face toward Lupin.

"I don't know what to say."

"Say you like it! That'll be a start. And then I believe the words are 'would you like a game, Remus old friend'…"

"Really, I…" Snape looked very different for a moment, and Lupin wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at the expression on his face. Instead, he lifted the board out and further explained;

"They call out their names, position and where they have moved to. It is warded too, in case anyone tries to cheat. And you can reduce the volume, I made sure of that. They seem to me to sound a little excitable. Maybe they will calm down with use…" he trailed off, Snape still looking slightly stunned.

"You ok Severus?"

Snape shook himself a little, and gave his small, half smile to Lupin. The nearest to a grin he got.

"Yes, Remus, sorry. It is… perfect. Thank you. I feel awful, not getting you anything, it's just, I have never done Christmas…"

Lupin, not wanting to re-visit the awkward conversation they had had when he first presented Snape with the gifts quickly countered him;

"Really Severus, you keep me supplied with mugs of tea and a few decent games of chess, and it's more than a gift. Are you black or white?" at the look from Snape he groaned, "I should have known." The walk forgotten, both men settled back as Lupin arranged the pieces.

-0o0o0-

........The room was full of people. Staff, families and half of Hogsmeade had converged on Hogwarts for the traditional New Years Eve party. Music was playing loudly and Snape had lost track of time and almost place. He had retreated to a seemingly out of the way corner and fixed his best 'leave me alone' scowl on his face when the room erupted with a chorus of;

"Ten! Nine! Eight!"

He scowled some more and crossed his arms, preparing to leave just as soon as the chimes had finished when on the cheer following "One!" an unknown pair of hands pushed his shoulders back and lips planted them selves firmly on his cheek. Before he came to his senses they were gone as was the scowl. Indeed, he thought he probably still looked shocked enough that when Lupin came, predictably late, to offer his blessings he could only manage a barely coherent splutter which resulted in his being escorted home supposed drunk…

-0o0o0-

........"You have betrayed me once too often."

"I am not afraid to die."

"I know. You would probably welcome it."

The black clad figure knelt in the stone room, breathing ragged, eyes defiantly upturned.

"But then, who said anything about dying. You still dare met my eyes?"

"I dare."

The tall thin figure stood before him leant forward, until he was filling the vision of the other. Shadowy hooded forms started to move in behind.

"Then I shall be what you see for eternity, traitor."

A wand raised to point between the knelt mans eyes, a whispered incantation and…..

…nothing. Stillness. Darkness. The darkness which he had come to accept as home through the past months. His breath still ragged, skin clammy, cold. Heart still pounding. He felt sick, but knew that if he were to rise to get a drink of cold water that he would fall, faintness swimming threateningly around him. And, if he were honest, he was worried what would be out there, maybe one day those red eyes would be in the corner…watching… 'He had been right,' thought Snape, 'still the thing I see.'

He knew when he closed his eyes that the snake like face with its red eyes would find him, not always approach him sometimes just watching, but he could see it every time he lay down at night, just in the corners of his mind. He knew he would see it forever, and it scared him. A lot. Lying back down he forced his breathing to slow, and the death grip he had been clutching the covers with to relax. He hated this in himself; he was Severus Snape for pities sake, Death Eater double agent, feared by men and children, who needed no one and help from no man. "Who am I kidding." he muttered.

Feeling a little calmer, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, waited for the faint dizziness to pass, and made his way slowly to the bathroom, where he drew a glass of water and lent on the wall. In the living room, there was a splutter and a crack, Snape's heart leapt, Death Eaters apperating having foiled the wards? The Dark Lord coming to finish what he started? Those red eyes will look round the door any second… he dropped his glass, not hearing it smash, his whole body stiffening, painfully tense. Waiting. Nothing. No Death Eaters, no Dark Lord. Probably a log shifting in the grate. Just a damp foot and broken glass to stand in. He sagged, and all strength leaving him he slid down the wall until he was sitting, a shadow amongst many, on the wet tiles. He let his head drop and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, pushing them hard enough to make them hurt. 'Better than seeing the eyes' he thought.

As he brought them away, he was not surprised to find them wet, and he wrapped his arms instead around his legs, allowing himself the luxury that was to weep gently until he fell asleep.

-0o0o0-

........He woke late, stiff and cold, it being the Christmas holidays there were no classes and therefore he had not set an awake ward. He was still tired, and he wandered why he had woken. He also wandered where he was and why he was sitting on a slightly wet floor. In what appeared to be his bathroom. Then he remembered and shuddered. The knock at the door which he now realised must have been what awoke him came again, and he numbly listened to it twice more before hearing;

"If you don't open the door I'm coming in, I have the counter wards, remember!"

Lupin.

Blast.

He had a choice to make, he realised. He could sit here, Lupin did indeed have the counter wards, Snape had given them him under duress 'in case of emergency', was this an emergency? He wasn't sure. He could wait to be found. And fussed over and mothered and generally annoyed.

Or, he could answer the door, pretend he had slept through the banging and hope Lupin would believe him. He doubted it. Sighing, he rose to his feet and took a step in his black fluffy socks…straight onto half a broken glass. He swore before he could help himself, and sat back down rather suddenly as he heard the door swing open to the accompaniment of the counter wards. As he peeled off the sock and gently explored the damage with finger tips, Lupin hurtled through the door at a great rate of knots;

"Where have you been! I've been knocking…what have you done! Where's the blood from?!"

Snape fixed him with what he hoped was a suitably annoyed glare.

"Me, obviously."

The sarcasm assuring Lupin that it probably wasn't life threatening', 'Though his last words will be some sarcastic jab at someone…' he thought as he responded equally sarcastically;

"More specifically would be nice."

"My foot," growled Snape, "I dropped a glass…"

"Let me look."

"I'm fine."

"Let me look!"

Snape sat back with a sigh and closed his eyes as Lupins wand traced the circular cut. He tried really hard but couldn't help but jerk his foot away a little.

"Hold still. It doesn't hurt."

"Mmmffer" muttered Snape.

"Pardon?"

"I said, 'no, but it tickles.' Repeat that and you die."

"Not to a living soul. Right," an added; "'Repario!'" at the glass, "that's sorted. Should be fine to walk on."

Snape stood, testing Lupins handy work.

"Where did you learn that?"

"I'm a Werewolf. It comes in handy."

"I'm sure, but where did you learn it?"

"Oh. My Mother. She knew I would have to hide at times and wanted me to be prepared." Lupin looked at the man now clad in dressing gown and one sock, and noticed for the first time the haggard face.

"Why do you look so awful?"

"Well that's nice."

"Sorry, Morning Severus! How are you! Now, why do you look so awful? And you're shivering, get by that fire now, I'll make breakfast. Where's the Elf. Well?"

"Well what? The Elf or my 'awful' appearance?"

"You. Seriously Severus, you look rough."

"Didn't sleep well. You know how it is. Can't get comfy, can't stop thinking." 'And when I do,' he added silently, 'it's red eyes everywhere.'

They entered the living room and Lupin pushed Snape onto the settee before summoning an elf and ordering breakfast. The elf gone, the room lapsed into silence. Snape sat with a scowl on his face whilst Lupin studied him. They both jumped when the elf popped back into the room and presented them with warm toast and pots of jam. Lupin gently stirred tea and buttered the toast with a look on his face which Snape would have been worried by had he of been able to see it as it was clear Lupin was deep in thought about the man before him. Tea made he reached a conclusion in his thoughts and, taking a deep breath for courage he sat next to Snape on the faded leather settee which creaked its protest at the weight and he tentatively touched the tired mans arm, gaining his surprised and slightly wary attention. His voice gentle he took another deep breath and, swallowing his fear of rebuttal, went with his gut feelings;

"Personally, I find it hardest when I dream. It's always the same," he felt Snape go stiff next him, and could almost hear his heart beat speed up. He pushed on, carefully watching the dark eyes for warning of the expected outrage or bolting. Seeing none he continued; "they're chasing me, I'm only young, can't escape, then when they catch me, I think its ok, because it's not him, who I think it is. Then I feel like I can't breath, because its worse, because its…" his voice had taken on a shaky tone, and he dragged in a breath, never having told anyone that who he sees biting him in his dream wasn't Greyback, but Padfoot, with snarling fangs and blood dripping, and Sirius's human eyes, and that he awakes screaming at him to stop, that he has the wrong person…"when I look I see it's,"

"Lupin, stop. I do not need to know. Not if you don't want to say. Again you have rather un-unnervingly read me correctly. Guilty as charged. I do not sleep, I just see his eyes. I am working on a new Dreamless variant. It does not matter."

"What does not matter? The dreams?" at Snape's nod he half laughed. "Of course it matters. You need to sleep! Everyone, even the great Severus Snape needs to sleep!"

"Don't call me that. I'm not even remotely great. Can't sleep, hear things in the dark, which is quite a problem when your whole world is dark believe me, become so weak that you pass your ward counters onto, well, you!"

"What you see as weak is what other people take for human. That's why we used to call you the Great Severus Snape! He of no Human Needs! Sarcastically granted, but you used to float around, all dark and angry and mysterious, needing no-one, hating everyone…"

"And now look at me. Sat shivering, a nervous wreck in fluffy socks,"

"Sock."

"Pardon?"

"Sock, the other is still in the bathroom."

"Great, wearing one sock, about to spill my guts to a Werewolf, no insult meant,"

"None taken."

"all because of a silly dream and broken cup! Pathetic!"

"No," Lupin squeezed the arm again, and moved the hand up to push the curtain of hair back behind its ear, an incredibly intimate gesture he had seen Dumbledore do once or twice, one which he hoped wasn't overstepping a mark he couldn't currently see. As he rested his hand on the tense shoulder, he was almost proud he hadn't been hexed or cursed, so pressed on quietly. "not pathetic. You can be called many things, but pathetic is not one of them."

"A coward?" The genuine concern in the voice made Lupin roll his eyes;

"No! After all this?!"

"When I was summoned I knew that was it, knew it was time. Nobody spoke to me and normally they are grovelling little… well, it was silent. When he confronted me, I was glad. Glad it was going to be over. I was tired of pretending, of keeping two Masters sweet. I just wanted to be me. If I could remember what 'me' was…Even when I thought he was about to kill me, well, to be honest, I was relieved. I knew it would be painful, nothing he does ever isn't, he's good at pain, but so am I. But when he said he wasn't going to kill me, I was scared. Really scared. I was a coward."

"No, not a coward." Lupin kneaded the shoulder, wanting to hug the man as Sirius and James used to hug him when he awoke from the dark world of his dreams but afraid that he would break Snape's flow. And whilst he knew Snape needed to tell this to someone, and he was secretly glad it was him, he was also slightly sickened to realise that with a morbid curiosity he wanted to know and he felt a strange sort of pride that it was him he was telling.

Snape took a deep breath before continuing;

"I was, I think. For certain, I was scared at that point more than I have ever been. He has punished me many times, he likes to punish, he is good at it, and I was not scared of that, but a lasting punishment? I thought, actually, that he would take my hands. To stop me ever being able to brew, or something that would cause eternal pain, a lasting reminder. I knew it would not be insanity, even as I could see him thinking Crucio, I knew he would want me to be able to understand my punishment. When he first muttered it, I was ready; I lay quiet and took it, like he liked me to,"

Lupin let out a half dis-believing laugh, half sob, but Snape didn't hear.

"and as it went on, a small part of me was able to think. To almost analyze the pain. It really hurt!" he sounded oddly shocked, "I mean, really! I felt it building up behind my eyes, that's when I knew what he was doing, localising it, I've seen it done a lot, one of his favourite tricks, he can make eyeballs implode, or limbs split and blood boil, he really is very very powerful and disturbingly clever…"

He glanced in Lupin's direction, the others hand still kneading the shoulder, slowing only slightly as the dark eyes looked straight through him, "I have to tell you, and I understand if you leave, but I knew exactly what he was doing because I have done it also. Keep up the pressure just long enough. Split second timing. As soon as you feel the optic nerve sever, you have to stop else they will go mad… I was lucky, he didn't want me mad. Just something to make me weak…"

"Not weak, never weak." Lupin shook the man gently, "Just human." Snape smirked mirthlessly.

"They are the same thing to him. I am weak, I am needy and I am a coward. Everything he knew I detested in people, he has made me. That is my punishment. And seeing those red eyes every time I sleep, that's just his way of laughing at me. Reminding me. I'm sorry Remus. Not a pleasant start to the morning. I guess you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Sorry." he shoved his hands deep into his lap, partly to try and warm them, partly to hide the tremble. He was momentarily startled when Lupin dragged him roughly into a fierce hug that threatened to stop him breathing, but he found he didn't mind all that much and very nearly relaxed.

-0o0o0-

........"Mr Weasley! May I remind you that not ten minutes ago I instructed you to keep to the same seating arrangements, now return! Why must we go through this debacle every lesson!"

Ron, muttering under his breath and turning a deep shade of red which Snape knew he would have enjoyed seeing retraced his sneaked steps to his original place and sat with a clatter, arms crossed and scowling. The Slytherins smirked, and the Gryffindors shared looks of puzzlement and worry.

Since the beginning of the school year Snape had managed to not only uphold his reputation as the most feared professor in Hogwarts history, he had actually increased it slightly by discovering a talent for locating people purely by their voices, thereby catching many in the wrong seat or table, and causing a rumour of his using dark magic to 'see' things.

This, as far as he thought, could only be a good thing. The headmaster had had other thoughts though, warning him that a reputation for dark magic would only lead him to trouble, and that now he was no longer spying, wouldn't he enjoy being "a little…kinder?" Snape had glared at him, a practised glare which Lupin assured him still held its own, and quietly informed his mentor that he "did not do 'kind' to "spoilt little upstarts who sneak around his classes."

...........There had only been one notable problem so far, first lesson back after Christmas he had just finished a particularly scathing attack on the first years essays and must have, in hindsight, over done it a little as a nervous Hufflepuff doing his practical had unknowingly turned his laughing potion into a crudely done yet entirely adequate example of 'Bloodfire', and been too scared to mention to the indomitable professor that his batch was not 'pearly white' when he sampled it, but a deep purple.

The ensuing chaos which followed the boy's agony was only quelled when Snape, having un gracefully shoved a Bezoar down the boy's throat, carefully sampled the potion and located the appropriate antidote. Later, after sending he boy to Poppy and dismissing the class he looked his doors and collapsed behind his desk with a shudder having been terrified by the experience. In all the time since he had lost his sight, it had never threatened to hurt anyone other than himself. As much as he claimed to not like the children, he was not normally by nature a cruel man, and knew first hand the power of and pain a potion could cause. The thought of the small boy suffering his blood approaching boiling point was drowned by the sudden anger that had he of been able to see, the potion would have been noticed, discarded and, undoubtedly, points deducted before it had even a chance of passing anyone's lips.

He angrily slammed a hand down on his desk, causing a vial precariously balanced by another student to fall from the edge. Hearing it smash, he forced himself to calm, and set about clearing it up. Realising he couldn't rely on the honesty of the students anymore he made a mental note to lecture them on the importance of answering all questions and describing all potions correctly from now on, as well as an aside about speaking up regarding their neighbours work. He sighed; maybe he should be a little kinder. To the first years, anyway. He also frowned as he admitted that maybe having a pair of eyes in the room which could be relied upon to be truthful would be helpful and he reached into the pot of Floo powder in his drawer to talk with Dumbledore about a plan he had been thinking of for a while.