Author's Note: I am so, so sorry about the long wait between the last chapter and this one, but I've had the worst case of writer's block! I'm still not 100% satisfied with the way that this chapter turned out, but I needed to get something up for you all so I hope you all enjoy it! Happy reading :-)
'You head up and start getting changed, darling. I'll change Adelaide's cloth and put her down for her nap.' John said to his wife after closing the front door once the two of them had gotten home from church a few days later, Anna offering him a slight smile as she nodded before stretching up to brush a kiss against his cheek. She then swept a hand through their daughter's curls as she was sat in her pushchair before pressing a kiss onto her forehead and beginning to make her way up the staircase.
John couldn't help but sigh when he heard their bedroom door close after a few seconds. It was clear to him that there was something playing on his wife's mind - she hadn't been her usual self for almost a week now - but whenever he tried to get her to open up to him she would tell him that everything was fine before changing the subject. There weren't a lot of things that he didn't like about Anna, but her tendency to push him away whenever something was troubling her was definitely one of them.
He knew that her reason for doing so was because she hated the thought of her issues hurting him, but what she didn't realise was that having to watch her carry her burdens alone hurt him far more than anything she could ever tell him. It was the sound of his little girl yawning that brought him out of his thoughts, a loving smile forming on his lips when he gazed down at her and watched her rub at her eye with her hand. 'Is someone getting sleepy?' He crooned as he lifted her out of her pushchair.
Adelaide rested her head on his shoulder once he had balanced her on his hip, the tiredness that she was feeling evident in her green eyes as she gazed up at him. 'I tired, Daddy.' She whispered as he ran the back of his palm down her cheek in a soothing caress, her eyes fluttering closed at the sensation.
'I know you are, darling.' He kissed her temple. 'Shall we go and get your cloth changed and put one of your nightgowns on so that we can get you into bed?' His heart swelled as Adelaide nodded against his shoulder without opening her eyes, the love that he held for her deepening as he ran his hand up and down the length of her back through her dress after starting to ascend the staircase with her.
It didn't take long for him to get Adelaide out of her dress and into one of her nightgowns, the fact that she was tired making it easier for him to change her cloth since she wasn't kicking her legs, and soon enough he was laying her down in her cot and brushing her hair out of her face. 'Comfy?' He whispered after covering her with her blanket and giving her teddy bear to her, Adelaide nodding up at him as she held the bear close. 'Daddy's just next door if you need me, alright?' He stroked her face.
'Alright.' She echoed.
'Sleep well, angel.' He told her. 'I love you.'
'Love Daddy.' She reassured him before snuggling further beneath her blanket and settling down.
Once John was certain that she was drifting off to sleep and that she was content he left the room, leaving the bedroom door open slightly so that he and Anna would be able to hear her if she cried or called for one of them. He then walked down the landing towards the bedroom that he shared with his wife, his heart sinking when he walked inside and saw her standing in the window in her dressing gown. Her arms were folded across her chest and her forehead was leaning against the windowpane as she was deep in thought, John knowing that she was troubled by the way she was chewing her lip.
Unable to bear seeing her so burdened for a moment longer, he closed the bedroom door behind him before walking over to her and placing a hand on the small of her back. 'You and I need to have a bit of a talk.' He admitted to her after she had turned her head in his direction and looked up into his eyes.
'There's nothing to talk about.' She shook her head before stepping past him and walking over to their bed, a sigh escaping her as she lowered herself down onto the edge of it and clasped her hands in her lap. 'I'm not getting enough sleep, that's all.' She watched him as he began to walk over to their bed.
She didn't meet his gaze when he sat down next to her, but a surge of warmth coursed through her when he began to stroke her back and she leaned into him on instinct. 'I know that there's more to it than that.' He whispered into her hair. 'I could hear you crying in the bathroom when I was reading in bed last night and you haven't been yourself for days, my darling. You've been distracted, you've not been eating properly and you've been keeping me at arm's length.' Anna felt tears sting in her eyes.
'I'm sorry.' She whimpered.
'You don't have to apologise to me.' He told her before tenderly kissing the side of her head. 'But you do have to tell me about what it is that's hurting you so much. You should know by now that trying to keep things from me and trying to cope with everything alone only makes things ten times harder for you. I'm your husband, Anna, and as your husband it's my job to give you support when you need it.'
Anna turned her head towards him at his words before berating herself silently when a tear fell down her cheek. 'What is it, my love?' There was nothing but love and concern in his eyes when he swept the tear off of her skin, her heart hammering against her chest as she took one of his hands in her own.
'I'm pregnant.' She choked out. 'I received a telegram from Doctor Clarkson which confirmed it.'
John drew slow circles onto the back of her palm with his thumb. 'Why didn't you tell me?' He asked.
'Because I'm just going to end up losing it!' She could feel herself trembling as she fought to keep her tears from falling. 'I didn't feel as though there was much point in telling you because you're not going to get to feel it kick or move and you're never going to see a bump because I'm going to have another miscarriage before I get anywhere near that stage. I'm broken, John, I'm never going to be able to give you a child.' Her voice cracked as she spoke and that was when she gave in to her emotions, the tears that she had been holding back beginning to stream down her cheeks as loud sobs wracked her body.
She was somewhat aware of burying her face into her husband's neck and winding her arms around his middle after he had pulled her close, her chest heaving and her body trembling with each sob as she was powerless to stop the furious tears from streaming. She could feel John running a hand over her hair; could hear him shushing in her ear as she attempted to burrow further into the side of his neck, and even though it wasn't having much of an effect she was still so grateful to him for trying.
It felt like she had been sobbing for hours when she started to calm down at last, but she knew that in reality it had only been a couple of minutes. Silent tears trickled down her cheeks as she grasped the fabric of John's jacket in her hands and nuzzled his neck and she could still feel him stroking her hair and whispering words of love to her. It was a few seconds later when she drew back from him, a small smile forming on her lips when he gave her his handkerchief. 'Thank you.' She managed to get out.
'You are not broken.' He told her as she wiped under her eyes with the handkerchief and he tucked a strand of her hair back behind her ear. 'There are a lot of women who can't have babies, my love, but that doesn't mean that their broken. It just means that they're either suffering from a condition or that's how they were born.' Anna gave a silent nod while she wiped her cheeks with the handkerchief.
'I shouldn't be upset about this.' She told him. 'We have Adelaide, John, I'm just being greedy.'
'You have every right to be upset about this, Anna, and no-one would ever judge you for crying about it.' He shifted a little closer to her atop the quilt. 'I'm going to suggest something now and I want you to think hard about your answer before you give it, alright?' Anna nodded, a slight crease in her brow as she placed her hands in her lap. 'I suggest that you and I go to London for a weekend with Adelaide and while we're there we pay a visit to Harley Street so that you can be examined. If a doctor does an examination then he'll be able to find out if you're infertile or just suffering from a condition, Anna.'
He was able to see the uncertainty in her eyes. 'If it turns out that you are suffering from a condition then there could be something that can be done to stop you from losing this little one.' He placed his hand on her abdomen through her dressing gown, brushing his thumb against the fabric. 'I know that it will be expensive, but I don't mind paying for it if it means that you and I will know for certain.'
'What if I am infertile, though?' She whimpered. 'It would have been such a waste of money.'
'But if you don't have the examination, we'll never know.' He stroked her hair. 'It's up to you though, darling, it's your body and I would never force you into doing something that you don't want to do.'
She gazed down at her lap in silence for a time as she thought about his suggestion, her hand finding his on her stomach when she looked into his eyes again. 'I want to know for certain.' She said quietly. 'If there's something that can be done which means that I can have children and you and I can give Adelaide a little brother or sister then I want to do it.' John cupped her cheek beneath the curtain of her hair before leaning forward and giving her a slow kiss. 'What will happen if I am infertile, though?'
'Nothing.' He kissed her forehead. 'I won't love you any less and I won't stop being proud of you just because you're unable to have children. Even if it turns out that we can't have children of our own, we'll still have Addie and she's no less ours than a child that you carry inside of you would be, darling.'
'You're right.' She replied. 'When were you thinking of going up to London?'
'In a fortnight, maybe? I think that Addie still needs to settle in a bit before we do any travelling.' The two of them shared a smile before he traced the sharpness of her jaw with his fingers. 'I love you; you know that, don't you?' Anna laced her arms around his neck before pressing her lips against his own.
'I do.' She leaned her forehead against his, grazing his nose with hers. 'And I love you just as much.'
Truer words had never been spoken.
It was a few hours later when Anna was sat on the settee in the sitting room while she held Adelaide in the cradle of her arms, a blissful smile on her lips as she stroked her curls and watched in silence as her little girl slept with her thumb in her mouth. It had taken her quite some time to get Adelaide off to sleep once she had been fed; the three-year-old had just wanted to talk and run her hands through her hair, but once she had been too exhausted to keep her eyes open and had started to suck on her thumb she had been asleep within minutes. As she drew the blanket that was around her daughter a little further around her frame, Anna felt the love that she possessed for her grow a little deeper.
Even though Adelaide wasn't her biological daughter - even though she hadn't been the one who had carried her for nine months or pushed her into the world - she still meant as much to her as she would have done should she have been born out of the passionate love that she and John possessed for each other. She knew that when she started attending school there were going to be students that teased her about being adopted; that she and John were going to have to hold her while she cried because of it, but she was determined to never let her little girl believe that she loved her less than she would a child of her own. In her and John's eyes she was their daughter and that was all there was to it.
It was a short time later when her husband came walking into the sitting room, her lips curling up into a smile as she watched him walk over to where she was sitting with their little girl. 'I see she's given in at last.' He chuckled after lowering himself down into the space beside her on the settee and winding his arm around her shoulders, Anna giggling as she leaned against him and he stroked Adelaide's hair.
'She has, thank goodness.' She whispered. 'I thought she was never going to go down.'
He pressed his lips to the side of her head before settling back against the back of the settee with a sigh. 'I telephoned Harley Street.' He said after a few minutes, Anna turning her head in his direction as there was a somewhat nervous expression on her face. 'I didn't want you to have to wait longer than necessary and so I asked for the earliest appointment available. Your examination is going to be on the nineteenth and it's going to be done by a doctor Ryder.' A slight crease formed in Anna's brow.
She swore she had heard that name before.
'I'm nervous.' She admitted as she readjusted her hold on Adelaide.
'I know you are, darling, but you're going to be fine.' He reassured her. 'I doubt it will take too long.'
Anna nodded before snuggling further into him, butterflies flitting around within her stomach when she felt him rest his hand over where their unborn child resided. 'There could be a bump here in the next couple of months.' John whispered to her, his lips grazing her ear as he spoke. 'We might be able to feel our child move inside you while we're cuddling.' Anna felt her heart race at the thought of that.
'I don't know about you, but I think Addie would make the perfect big sister.' She told him. 'She's such a gentle and loving little girl and there's no doubt in my mind that she would want to help the two of us take care of the baby.' She smiled as she felt John's fingertips dance up and down the length of her arm. 'I'm not going to give up hope, you know.' She said when she rested her head on his shoulder and looked up into his eyes. 'Until we know for certain that there's nothing that can be done and that I'm going to lose this baby, I'm going to keep thinking about what our lives are going to be like when it's born.' John brought a hand up to feather a caress against her cheek, his eyes filled with love for her.
'So am I.' He said before the two of them shared a simple kiss. 'You're so strong.'
'Only because I have you to fall back on when I need to.' She replied. 'You mean everything to me.'
'And you mean everything to me.' He told her. 'And so much more.'
'Another one?' Adelaide asked her father when she was laying in his arms on the bed that he shared with her mother that evening and she offered him another storybook, John chuckling as he shook his head before taking the book out of her hands and settling it down on the nightstand with the others.
'Not tonight, love.' He told her as he stroked her hair after turning back to her, feeling his heart sink a little when she pouted. 'Before Mummy got in the bath she told me that I could read you one bedtime story and then it was time for you to go to sleep. Daddy's going to get into trouble when she finds out that I've read you three stories and you're still not asleep!' He revelled in the giggle that she released when he tickled her waist. 'I love you so much, Addie.' He took her hand in his before kissing the back of it, his little girl blessing him with a soft smile before she let out a yawn and snuggled into his side.
'Love my Daddy.' She told him.
John pressed his lips to the centre of her forehead when her head came to rest on his shoulder and she started to run her fingers through the thick patch of hair that layered his upper chest, the arm that was around her waist tightening its hold of her before he drew her further into his warmth as her eyes started to drift closed. She was somewhere between slumber and consciousness when the door to the bedroom squeaked on its hinges as Anna opened it, her eyes springing open before she sat up beside her father and clapped her hands at the sight of her mother. 'Mummy.' She crawled down the large bed, Anna unable to stop herself from giggling when she lifted her up onto her hip.
'Why aren't you asleep, Misses?' She smiled after kissing her temple.
'Daddy naughty.' Her little girl told her through a giggle.
Anna cast her gaze over to her husband, a somewhat amused look on her face. 'What did you do?'
'I might have read her more than one story.' John chuckled, leaning back against the headboard.
'John Bates!' Anna teased as she walked around to her side of the bed with Adelaide balanced on her hip. 'You had one job.' She placed their little girl down on the bed, Adelaide crawling back over to her father before he wrapped her in his arms again. Feeling her heart swell at the sight before her as she climbed into bed, Anna smiled at the two people who meant the most to her as she lay herself down. 'It is such a good job that I love the two of you, you know.' She smirked, covering herself with the quilt.
'Isn't it just?' John placed his free hand on her hip beneath the covers. 'You look done in, sweetheart.'
'I am.' She admitted, brushing her hair out of her face.
'Close your eyes and get some rest, Anna.' He told her.
'Don't you need help getting her off to sleep?' She asked as she stroked Adelaide's back.
'I don't think it'll take her long.' He admitted as he could feel Adelaide's breathing starting to even out. 'I can manage.' His wife gave him a gentle nod before leaning over their daughter to kiss him, the two of them parting with a quiet smack before she turned out the lamp on her nightstand and lay down.
'Goodnight, John.' She whispered into the darkness, slipping her hand beneath her pillow.
'Goodnight, my darling.' He replied. 'Pleasant dreams.'
Author's Note: Thank you all so much for reading and please review to let me know what you thought! I promise that I'll try my hardest to get another chapter up quickly! x
