For Ship
THE STORY IS NOT MINE
This is a translation of the Italian story 'I'll go wherever you will go', sequel to 'Shine Bright like a diamond in the sky' by Ship
CHAPTER 9 OF 12
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27 March
Uther gets up from the chair next to Merlin's bed, capturing Mordred's eyes, who immediately understands his father's silent message. Mordred moves quickly to try to assess the situation that can't continue like that in that moment: it is necessary to stop any reaction of Merlin, who seems to have amnesia...
"Merlin, he is the pilot who brought us here to the hospital and that has made sure we would arrive in time for the surgery. I have already told you that we had to fly here to London after the accident..."
Merlin nods weakly, watching Arthur with distant eyes, lost in memories that obviously he can't remember.
"Yes, Mordred… but from where? I don't remember anything of what has happened. And why were you with me? Wasn't I returning home from work? But I work at Mercia Base and you at Lothian Base... at opposite ends of England. How come we were together?"
Mordred acts promptly, stopping a discussion that is about to degenerate...
"Ok... Merlin. Calm down. There will be plenty of time to explain … you're talking too much and you have just woken up from a long coma. Therefore, now I am speaking as a doctor, not as your brother. Don't think about these issues for now and rest"
Merlin smiles, nodding silently and causing stab wounds in Arthur's heart and stomach with his vulnerable and distant attitude, who hasn't said a word yet.
The blond stays still on the spot and perhaps he is not even breathing anymore. Since he has discovered that Merlin has lost his memory, or at least a part of it, his heartbeat has stopped.
He is close to collapse when Uther gets up and approaches him, intending to lead him out of the room before the boy would utter even a word...
Mordred turns again towards Arthur, to divert his brother's attention in that delicate moment, well aware that this is not a situation to be addressed now, and certainly not like that, "Arthur, you can go now. See you later. We shall have lunch together"
Arthur stares into Merlin's eyes for a moment that seems endless, trying to find a reaction after hearing his name, but nothing happens. Therefore he stays silent, about to have an emotional breakdown when he realizes that Merlin doesn't have the slightest idea of their story, or of what must have happened in his life during the past year.
After a silent nod from Mordred, Uther firmly approaches him, beckoning him to follow him out of the room, almost dragging him away.
They are about to go out and Arthur hasn't still said a word, when Merlin speaks to him faintly...
"Thank you for coming visit me"
Arthur nods with a dead heart, unable to think and reflect, breathless... then, while Uther is pushing him out of the door, his world starts to spin around and die at hearing Merlin's next words from behind him...
"Mordred... where's Ryan?"
Arthur breaks and is unable to realize anything but that sound.
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4 March.
24 hours after the surgery.
Arthur had spent the last 48 hours in the hospital, unable to find the will and the way to go back to the hotel that Gwaine - immediately rushed to London as soon as he had heard of the accident - had booked for the both of them. The brown haired man had also brought him a suitcase, hastily prepared by Morgana with his personal effects.
In order to be free to stay next to Merlin and follow his health situation during that delicate moment, Arthur had immediately request a special leave of a couple weeks to his superiors, through his friend, the day before. He had obtained it using as a plausible excuse the need to have time off to go back home to London to collect some important personal documents: In fact, as everyone has been well aware of for a few weeks, in June Arthur would leave for America for a couple of months. A while ago, in fact, he had applied to attend an advanced course for the best Top Guns, at the end of which he hoped to gain the possibility to jump directly to the top of the world rankings of the best pilots in the world.
However, it was a goal that had seemed distant and dull in that moment, while he walked in front of those hospital rooms with the fear of losing Merlin.
A few hours after the surgery, Gwaine had joined him, while his injured friend was still in a private post-op, a necessary precaution in order to watch over Merlin at best, as Mordred had explained to them, making known Ryan and his medical team's will; but also because that isolation would allow no one to visit him.
Only his brother and his father had been allowed to see him after the surgery, and Arthur was convinced that Ryan had made Merlin so unapproachable only in order not to allow HIM in particular to see him.
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Once arrived at the hospital, Gwaine had given him a bag with a change of clothes.
Then, he had sat next to him, "Jesus, Arthur, when was the last time you have taken a shower? It doesn't make sense to continue to stay here for all these hours staring at that door! Merlin will not wake up for the next few hours. You will not see him exiting that room very soon! Come on… you really need to go to the hotel. Let me take your place for a while. If it makes you feel better, I can phone you immediately whenever you want an update... but now go, for God's sake!"
Arthur had intensely stared at Gwaine. Then, he had answered with a confidence that had surprised even the other man...
"Yes... I had already decided to do so. I'm just waiting for Ryan to return. Earlier he has told Mordred that he would be back around lunchtime. I want to see if he has finally decided to move Merlin to a room where I can see him"
Gwaine had asserted and offered him a coffee, now slightly cold. Arthur had swallowed it even if it was so cold, happy to take yet another dose of caffeine.
"Ok, mate. Then let's do it like this. You will wait for Ryan and then you will run straight to the hotel and rest at least for a few hours. I'll stay here as long as Mordred or Uther won't show up"
Arthur had thanked him and had started to check his phone with the intention of calling Morgana, or perhaps his mother Ygraine.
His sister had warned her that he was in London, even though Arthur hadn't wanted her to at first. In fact, he had been not in the mood to talk, or to explain, let alone to see anyone, not even her ... even though it had been months since the last time he had seen his mother.
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The hall had remained silent for a few minutes. Then, Ryan had arrived with a couple of doctors and a nurse and Arthur had rushed toward him.
Gwaine instinctively had got up too without really knowing why... perhaps sensing Arthur's not so happy intentions towards the doctor. In fact, the blond, exasperated by the hostile attitude of Merlin's ex, had stopped in front of the surgeon's way, preventing him go into the room, and Ryan, surprised, had stopped immediately, staring grimly at him and looking around in the hope to find Mordred or Uther to avoid confronting the blond.
Then, when it had been clear that Arthur would not move one millimeter from where he was standing, he had turned to the others, "Go ahead, please. I'll be with you in a few minutes. Don't touch anything until I get there"
The others had left them, shocked but diligent in doing what their boss had ordered.
Gwaine too had taken his leave, leaving them alone, sensing their need for some privacy, "I'll go make a phone call. Arthur, I'll be right out here in the waiting room"
Arthur had not answered, deciding to stare straight at Ryan, who too had proved to be as stubborn as him and intent to maintain a hostile attitude.
When Gwaine had walked away, Arthur had finally grunted out all his rage of the last hours against Merlin's ex.
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27 March
Arthur is shocked beyond imagination.
Once outside Merlin's room, he finally loses himself in his anger and concern, desperate due to his inability to face that new dramatic situation: Merlin has obviously lost a part of his memory after the surgery and seeing Uther as worried as him isn't helping him to think clearly.
"What the hell is going on? Tell me! You have dragged me out of the room before I could even utter a word to him!"
In his anger, Arthur abandons all his hesitation and starts to talk informally to Merlin's father, now feeling closer to that man…
"What does it mean that Merlin doesn't remember anything? I'm not a fucking doctor! I am unable to understand these things as fast as you do! Explain! God! My boyfriend doesn't even know who I'm anymore and I don't know what the hell I should think. And no one is telling me anything! Why the hell didn't you and Mordred inform me?"
Uther runs a hand through his gray hair, trying to stay calm: it is not the time to break down and Arthur desperately needs an explanation that at that time it is not easy to find, even for a doctor.
"Because no one knew it, Arthur! Don't act as if there was some kind of conspiracy against you to cut you out! Mordred and I... we had not realized that Merlin has amnesia until a few minutes ago. In fact, we have only realized it then, in front of you. Moreover, we need to think and evaluate the situation with the others. We'll immediately inform Ryan and..."
"Who of course will be more than happy about all this..."
Uther understands Arthur's worry and his fear that Merlin's ex may take advantage of this tricky situation, but now is not the time to concern themselves with those problems...
"Arthur, use your head! Could you calm down, please? WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING YET, OKAY? What you have heard is what we have heard too. We must understand what Merlin remembers, understand how far his amnesia goes and how invasive it is and understand why it has happened and whether it is due to the trauma of the accident or due to the surgery… figure out if it is recoverable, if..."
Arthur grits his teeth strongly...
"If? Are you saying that he may not recovering his lost memories?"
"I haven't said that. You see? I can't discuss medical details with you since you're not a doctor. And I am not doing this to cut you out, but because if I have to provide medical opinions, I have to do it with someone who can help me to think! Not with someone who confuses me and destabilizes me because he can't calm down"
"Calm down? How the hell can I calm down when Merlin doesn't even remember my face?"
Uther raises his hands in surrender. Then, he touches his own face, joining them in front of his nose, his eyes closed…
"I have to move. So I'm going to leave you. We have to call for a staff meeting, to confront each other. Surely Mordred is already asking Merlin questions without making him suspicious of what's going on … I can't stay here with you long enough to help you calm down"
Arthur now seems more desperate than angry, "You've dragged me out here before I could talk to him"
Uther lifts his blue and tired eyes on him, "Unfortunately, no matter how painful it is, Arthur, it is not yet time for you to talk with Merlin. First, we need to understand the situation. We must understand the nature of the amnesia. As I have already told you, we need to verify whether it is due to the surgery or the trauma. If we don't know where the memory loss comes from and force things, we risk blocking Merlin in this state. Think, Arthur. Mordred... earlier he too has decided it would be better to cut you out for now. At the moment it is the only thing to do"
Arthur collapses on the nearby chair, his head in his hands, the defeat evident in his every muscle.
Uther continues, "We'll immediately gather the medical committee. I'll notice Mordred and then I'll take his place in there. Stay calm. Perhaps it would be better for you not to be alone. Has your sister Morgana already arrived?"
Arthur is about to tell him that he doesn't want to see anyone and that Morgana can't join him right away because she is not well and is at the gynecological ward, when his phone rings and Arthur answers when he recognizes the number. However, he tries not to make eye contact with Uther, because he doesn't want to open another argument about who is calling him.
"Mom? Yes, I'm fine. Listen… stay there. I'm coming to you. I need a change of scenery and here the doctors are about to meet to discuss Merlin's situation. There are some things to check, it seems, but I'm afraid it's a bit too much for me to wait here. As soon as they gather together, I'll come down where you are. No, I'm not going to tell you anything right now. I'll tell you as soon as I get there. What about Morgana? Fine... see you later"
Arthur doesn't want to look at Uther, not right after he has practically revealed Ygraine's presence only a few floors below them. He doesn't want to reopen the argument, not now. He's unable to even utter another word. However, when he turns to observe him, the older man is impassive and if the presence of Ygraine so close to them has somehow shaken him, he sure doesn't show it.
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4 March
"Are you moving him?"
Ryan had looked at him impassively, secure in his position as Merlin's doctor. He had been careful to choose the right words, perfectly aware of how Arthur couldn't stand him, and that it was mutual.
"Yes... but I am not allowed tell you more OBVIOUSLY. You are not a relative of his after all"
"I disagree... not really obviously. You know very well who I am. Merlin is my man. It has always been clear that he would have become mine …since the day we met. Or do you wish to deny it?"
The doctor had glared at him with his dark eyes from under his curled hair, struck by the truth. Although at the time Merlin had not been with Arthur yet, it had been immediately clear to his eyes, since their first meeting, that a fire had been ready to flare up between them... the beginning of something that inevitably had become a real relationship later.
"What do you want? I don't have time to talk to you"
"I need to see him. Allow me to see him"
A white sharp smile had spread on Ryan's face, "He can't receive visitors, except for close family members and it is not a personal matter. In fact, you are not the only one that is not allowed to see him yet"
"I am a close family member. it is not a personal matter!? You're an asshole who still has a crush. This is the truth"
"I don't have to explain myself to you"
"Yes, you have"
Arthur had immediately understood what the other man was going to say, because he had never lost the habit of putting his nose in Merlin's messages. And because of this doctor, a few months before the two of them had had a terrible fight, then led to a crisis, to which other things had gradually been added: errors and mistakes by both sides that had forced them to break up.
Choked by those unresolved issues once again, in that moment Arthur had had the urge to hear Ryan's version of the events about that famous message sent to Merlin. He had not been able to restrain himself, not even in that so delicate situation. Therefore, he had stressed the question and the other man, provoked, had reacted.
"I don't have to, but if you want to know, I'll tell you"
"Tell me!"
"I did everything the wrong way with Merlin during our two years together and I am fully aware of it, and now... I have saved his life. I still love him. I have always loved him. I shouldn't tell you this because it's none of your business, but a couple of months ago I informed him of my feelings for him and that my wife had lost the child she was carrying, with the result that I have finally decided to leave her, eager to get him back, by my side. In that moment, I reoffered him to get back together, to try again. He didn't give me an answer, that's true, but I have never taken his silence as a real and definitive closure"
Arthur had stared at him angrily, only wanting to smash his face right there. However, he had tried to stay calm.
"Ah no? Face it, Ryan... Merlin didn't answer you because there was nothing to consider. He loves me; he is my boyfriend. We are together and YOU have to get the fuck out of our lives. Don't force me to tell you this in a less orthodox way"
Ryan had smiled almost mocking, hurting Arthur, who had actually been very unsure of himself and had been suffering due to the separation that he hoped the other man was not aware of.
"Why are you feeling so threatened? It's obvious you are being defensive. If you are so sure about the two of you... you should have nothing to fear, when I will talk to Merlin about this. Because, like it or not, Arthur, I can already tell you that I'm not going to give up, now more than ever. I will speak with him again, without forcing him or saying more than I have already had. But this will happen. If things between you are so intense, so... strong, as you clearly seem to believe, everything will be fine for you, right?"
Arthur had gritted my teeth. If at the time they had not been there in the hospital, in front of Merlin's room, or if they had been outside, away from other eyes, Arthur would have made that asshole's smile disappear by punching his nose many times. However, he kept the tingling under control by planting his nails into his palms and had enlarged his face with all the certainty that didn't have about the relationship between Merlin and him.
"You will be rejected once more. Aren't you tired yet to be told by him that now you are just a bad memory? Something to erase completely?"
The other man had shrugged. Then he had walked away, leaving him with his anger.
Arthur had called Mordred, enraged, and it had took Merlin's brother ages to calm him down.
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27 March
Arthur is sitting with Morgana on a sofa with in the gynecological ward, where she is spending the last minutes before leaving the floor after completing all the check-ups to which they have subjected her.
"Arthur, try not to lose it. We can't assume anything until we know exactly what's going on with Merlin. I want to try being optimistic even for you, ok? What has Mordred told you?"
Arthur seems to relax, pushed by his sister's firmness and confidence, and somehow he manages to find a glimmer of reason.
"We haven't talked about all this yet. They are going to gather the medical team. They need to discuss about this situation"
Morgana gets up impatiently...
"I want to see him too, but I fear it is not possible. If he can't remember his new life at the moment, he can't even see me. Now I have to decide whether to return with you to Dragon Cape or to stay in London a few days to our mother's. What do you want to do?"
"I still don't know. I suppose I'll decide when I'll be able to speak with Mordred and Uther. I'll do what I can. I mean… if I can stay during Merlin's convalescence and be able to see him, I'll stay. Otherwise, well... I don't want to think about it right now"
Morgana nods...
"It is comprensible. I agree. Just wait for now. What about your Top Gun course? Have you talked to your superiors? Have you given up leaving for America in the coming months or not?"
Arthur runs a hand over his face, tired.
"I sent a letter to my superiors, but they have replied that it is not necessary to cancel my departure for now. They have said that I can decide until the week before the departure is due whether to give it up or not ... and at the moment I intend to wait for that too"
"What about the leave?"
Arthur stars at his sister, seeing in front of his eyes all the uncertainty of his life in the past month, "Same. I should be back on duty in two days. I have the rest of today and tomorrow to decide. It all depends on this famous meeting of the doctors"
Morgana puts her jacket on and grabs her bag, now impatient, "Mom is not here yet. Shall we go meeting her on the way? So we can go to Merlin anyway. Even if I cannot see him, we can talk to Mordred together"
"Morgana..."
Arthur takes her hand to stop her...
"Thanks for talking to our mother of the whole situation...I wouldn't have been able to"
His sister tightens his hand, firmly fixing her green eyes on his face...
"You don't need to have to give her any more explanations... don't worry. She knows everything. She is here to ensure that Merlin is feeling better and to give you her support, although she was unaware until now that you... well, that your boyfriend is Mordred's brother"
"I should have been the one to talk to her about Merlin, isn't it? Long time ago… but you know me… I do not like to talk about my private life ... not even with her"
"She would have adored him. And she WILL ADORE HIM now. Who doesn't adore Merlin? And seeing you with a steady boyfriend is already a source of great happiness for her. You know how much she had been unrest in the past by the fact that you'd never found someone to really love, Arthur"
"I wasn't the only one… before Mordred, you too had never fallen in love with anyone. She is not here yet?"
Morgana looks at her clock once again...
"I have no idea. I'll call her"
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Epilogue of March 4th
This had been how everything had changed. Merlin's accident had changed even Arthur's life in the end: it had changed the priorities of his life, redesigning the order of hi days, the way of seeing things. It had forced him to face their break up and not to live as if there was always a tomorrow for dealing with their separation.
In fact, the possibility of losing him had forced him to stop putting off a confrontation between them- since the fact that in the last month they had avoided each other, postponing the discussions indefinitely every day. Before Merlin's lifeless body, Arthur had found himself thinking that if Merlin was going to recover, he would not even asked him an explanation, and if, no ... WHEN he would recover, he would simply say that he did not care about all their disagreements anymore. He'd make it clear to Merlin that he just wanted him back by his side and with him, because without him he felt like dying.
And if ... that Ryan should ever try to want Merlin back, Arthur would make him understand how things are with his fists.
Gwaine had totally agree with him on that last point, as soon as he had returned from his phone call, "Fuck, you should have punched him on the face immediately! Next time, if you don't do it, I will. Now he has really pissed me off. Put aside the fact that he has saved Merlin's life... he has just done his job! This fact doesn't give him the right to demand something in return! If he sticks around Merlin now that he is with you, I will not deny him a couple of punches on the teeth"
Arthur had smiled at listening to the advice...
"Sooner or later Ryan and I'll end up pick a fight ... and if things continue like this, it will happen very soon"
Merlin had been moved that morning. Arthur had been able to see him in secret thanks to Mordred. In the end, they had been fifteen asphyxiating days, where Merlin had been in a coma, and Arthur had closed himself in a lonely pain, isolated from the world, interacting only with Mordred and Uther, with who he had felt he was sharing the same anxiety and distress.
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27 March
Arthur and Morgana are heading toward the elevators, when they meet Ygraine, busy due to her lateness...
"Sorry... traffic was crazy. Today London is impassable"
Ygraine has never driven in her life and has never taken a public transport. Her aristocratic attitude can be smelled all around her figure, even in those hospital corridors.
Morgana smiles when she sees her, "Hi, mom!"
"Hi, sweetie. I have been so anxious on the way here! Are you all right, then?"
Morgana nods with her head and Ygraine concentrates on Arthur.
"Arthur! Please... let me hug you. We haven't seen each other in a year now and despite the fact that it's not nice to hug here in the hospital, do come here"
Arthur hugs his mother and buries his nose in her hair and her perfume.
Although Ygraine is a difficult and unattainable woman, she loves her children more than anything else in the world, even though she often forgets to show it.
Arthur loosens the embrace, genuinely happy to see her.
She pulls herself together then. "Mordred? I had occasion to see him only as soon as the accident had happened and only after the surgery... we are going to see him, aren't we? Merlin has woken up... any news?"
Arthur havedn't know until now that Ygraine had already met Morgana's new partner; but, given the gravity of the last few days, he really doesn't know many things about what has happened in the outside world. In fact, he had not been very interested in anything but those hospital corridors …
Feeling somehow guilty, Arthur feels the need to answer her immediately, "We are going to him upstairs to discuss the new situation just now."
Ygraine nods...
"I'm coming with you then if it's okay for you. Of course, I'll wait for you to finish if you want to talk to him alone"
Morgana has already pulled the elevator up and the automatic door opens, letting out the people inside.
Uther is among them.
Arthur searches the man's eyes in silence, not knowing what to say. He is the guardian of a too big secret in that moment and cannot even turn toward his mother. Then, Morgana, who knows nothing of that embarrassing situation, speaks fist...
"Uther. What's going on? We were coming to you... Where is Mordred? Have you already talked to the medical team?"
Uther stays still, unable to find the strength to say what he has to. His eyes are glued to Ygraine, who too has remained still, breathless...
"Yes... I... I was coming to warn you..."
The answer is for Morgana, but Uther keeps staring at Ygraine in front of him, whose eyes are too lost in those of the doctor. The atmosphere is so thick you could cut it with a knife...
Arthur speaks before everyone, in order not to worsen the situation.
"Morgana, I haven't had the opportunity to tell you... but Uther and our mother are old acquaintances"
Morgana, obviously unaware, observes them stunned and without malice...
"Really? It's ok... even if a bit strange! Mordred has never told me... we will be able to talk about the details later. What do we do now? Do we go up then?"
Uther speaks with a professional tone once again, stiffening. Ygraine keeps staring at him, pale...
"Yes... I told Mordred that I would be back soon with you lot... He is waiting for us to talk"
The four of them enter into the lift, whose door closes behind them, while Ygraine remains in her silence and is obviously nervous.
Probably the woman - reflects Arthur - had not counted on seeing Uther again, even though it is absurd. After all, the hospital is his and his son is lying on a hospital bed. Not to mention the fact that Morgana is Mordred's girlfriend and he is Merlin's boyfriend.
Arthur looks at his mother weirdly, trying to read her silence and her strange attitude, but failing to.
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The lift reaches the right floor and when the doors open, air seems to return into the small cabin, allowing those present to breath.
Uther immediately starts to look for Mordred and speaks directly to Arthur.
"Join me in the private waiting room. We won't be disturbed there. I'll be waiting for you with Mordred there"
Arthur nods...
"We'll be there soon"
Ygraine put herself together. She takes a deep breath and then she turns toward her children...
"Go ahead. Obviously, it's better if you talk amongst yourselves without me. You can tell me later. I'll wait here and drink a coffee. It seems an eternity since I have drunk one this morning"
Arthur nods. Then, he walk away, followed by Morgana, down the hall to enter into the waiting room made available only for the relatives of the patients in the private rooms. Because of this, he doesn't see his mother breathing a sigh of relief and sitting on the bench in order not to collapse.
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Arthur and Morgana only have to wait a couple of minute before Uther and Mordred enter the room together. Mordred immediately approaches his girlfriend and gives her a quick kiss...
"How are you feeling? Have they told you are free to go home? You shouldn't stay here too much, it would be better if you leave earlier. Do you want to go home with me or do you prefer to go to your mother's?"
During those days of leave from work to stay near Merlin, Mordred had returned to his father's house ... a good solution given the proximity of their home to the hospital...besides, his father had insisted. On the other hand, Morgana had stayed at Ygraine's when she had come to London in the last two weeks.
"I'm fine and I can stay at my mom's for a few days... or maybe we can decide together later"
Arthur impatiently approaches Mordred and Uther.
"So? Have the doctors talked?"
Uther nods, staring at Arthur in the eyes. The older man looks a bit more shocked than that morning and Arthur is certain that it is due to the fact he has seen Ygraine again. However, the man replies firmly, appealing to his professionalism.
"Yes. We consulted each other about an hour ago. Ryan has reread the medical report, the procedures of the surgery and chatted with Merlin for a while. We have arrived at the conclusion that Merlin doesn't remember anything that has happened in the last year: he doesn't remember that he has moved to Camelot Base in Dragon Cape, nor about his professional life in this period, or his friends. He has gone blank. Ryan thinks that the amnesia is temporary and that it doesn't depend on the surgery, but rather on the trauma. And I have agreed with him, once reviewing the whole situation carefully. Therefore, the situation is still critical, but we are convinced that the memory loss will be recovered with time and simultaneously with Merlin's physical recover. Mordred agrees with us"
Arthur sigh in relief, glad for the good news. But then, Uther continues…
"There is only one detail that we should always keep in mind. Merlin cannot be forced to remember. Which means that we cannot give him too much information about what his life has been like in the past year or about the events he has forgotten. All of us should have the patience to wait for him to get his memory back naturally, helping him to deepen the memories when they will begin to return, without forcing him however. If we do, we may lengthen his recovery, or at worst, Merlin may completely lose a part of his life forever"
Arthur swallows a few times and his blood freezes in his veins, "Can you be clearer, please? I want to know exactly what to expect! Does it mean I cannot get close to him and talk to him in any way? Do I have this right? Mordred?"
Mordred approaches him, staring at him in the eye, trying not to answer too harshly.
"It means that Merlin will not return to work immediately. He will be on leave for a while. He will not be able to return to Dragon Cape immediately: we will have to explain to him where he has been and lived in the past year. Only then, he can return to the base, but only if he chooses to, and if he feels up to it... if he starts to remember. We have to wait, gradually helping him to understand the things that he will remember spontaneously. AND NO, Arthur, if you want to know specifically if you can see him right away, chat with him or talk about the two of you, the answer is NO. You cannot, not for now at least. Not even Morgana, or his other friends besides Gwaine, who he already knows. Merlin cannot manage too much. However ...I'm not imposing a total closure. We could make sure that you can see each other on some sporadic occasion maybe, meeting again without talking about your past, just to see each other. However, we cannot allow you more than that"
Arthur feels like collapsing. He steps back and sits in the chair just behind him, defeated, exhausted and with a torn soul. Only Merlin's death could have been worse than that, or not knowing if the memory-loss would be permanent. It's something he would have never imagined and that he cannot accept.
Mordred approaches him, knowing how devastated he must be due to that news …
"Arthur, I am well aware of how much this must be upsetting you. Believe me, this is deeply upsetting all of us. I can't think about anything else anymore! I feel sick at the thought of what we will need to do to ensure that everything will be all right! We'll need to be very careful for a long time, which means that none of us will be able to move as we wish, or to let go, or to breathe and live Merlin as before! Surely you will be the one to carry this burden more than others ... that's for sure...but what can I say? This situation is difficult and too delicate to be able to act differently. To cheer you up a bit, I can tell you that I am sure that slowly, we'll be able to find new strategies to speed up the recovery process. However, the terms and choices will always be considered and evaluated calmly and carefully. Who knows? Maybe it will be Merlin himself that will give us a hand, managing to shorten the recovery time"
Arthur collapses with his back against the back of the chair, finally resting his head with his eyes closed, isolating himself from the world around him, ignoring their voices. He is no longer listening. Merlin will be unreachable for who knows how long. Arthur will be unable to see him whenever he wants. Or to tell him what he has always felt for him. Or to show him how upset he is for what has happened to him and how defeated and destroyed he feels by this ordeal. Or how much fear he has to lose everything they had had and built… how much he is suffering to be forced to close their love in a box and wait.
He doesn't even want to talk with the others anymore. He just want to go away, perhaps to the hotel, maybe to Dragon Cape...he doesn't know. If he can't see Merlin, a place is as good as any for him. He doesn't know when he will be allow to see him, certainly not for the moment, and therefore he only want to run away, even from himself.
.
He gets up; his eyes are red due to the unshed tears … everyone around him are tired and shocked. Morgana is silently crying and Mordred is embracing her. Uther has his eyes fixed on a window and pointed outside, but his gaze is blank.
"Mordred, earlier... you were wrong, when you said that we are all upset by this situation"
Merlin's brother looks at him questioningly. After explaining things, while trying to stay calm, he too now is struggling to find the serenity to continue talking. He tightens his hold on Morgana, clinging to his woman to find the strength once again…
Then, what Arthur says next hits Merlin's brother as strongly as a punch in the stomach, due to what Arthur's statement implies.
"No all of us is upset by this situation as you'd like to think. Ryan will be more than happy with all of this, which we are hoping will remain only temporary. He will definitely take advantage of this situation and will try to reconquer Merlin. And this new condition of his may give him the opportunity to succeed, and he knows it"
