ix.
"I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner!" Momo exclaims a few days later, eyes bright and sparkling, a giddy smile on her face. "Why don't you confess to Karin-san?"
"I can't do that!" Toushirou goes bright red, frenzied thoughts rushing to come up with excuses, worse case scenarios. The simplest is, of course, the most truthful. "She doesn't feel the same way as I do."
Better to let his affection for her remain secret, than to let Karin know.
"How do you know?" Momo stares at him, tilting her chin up. "Have you ever asked her?"
"No, but she likes Juushirou," Toushirou shakes his head, trying to repress the surge of envy inside him. He snarks, voice laced with venom. "Should I say 'hey, Karin, I really like you, so forget about my brother and date me instead'?"
Ludicrous.
"Why not?" Momo shrugs, unfazed by his condescension. "If Juushirou-kun is the problem, why not get rid of him by telling Karin the truth? And then, later — much later — tell Karin-san how you feel about her."
Absolutely ludicrous.
"That's a terrible idea," Toushirou scoffs, derisive at the thought. "There is no way that it would end well."
Not now that he's dragged it out this long.
"Are you worried about people in Soul Society finding out that our dear brother isn't real from her?" Momo asks, and yes, Toushirou supposes that is one of his worries in that scenario. "You could ask her to keep it secret for you. That you're going to tell everyone else when you're ready."
"What if she doesn't listen to me and decides to storm into Soul Society and blurt the truth out in a fit of anger?" Toushirou scowls, recoiling at the idea, the potential fallout. "There's got to be another way. Think of something else."
"Oh, I see," Momo frowns at him, keeping a cool head, and it feels like their roles have reversed somehow. "Okay, Shirou-chan, what have you come up with since the last time we talked? Have you thought of a plan, or have you been moping?"
Moping?
"Who told you that?" Toushirou bristles, not liking her tone. "I haven't… I haven't been moping."
He's Captain of the Tenth Division. He's got better things to do than mope.
Momo stares at him, her expression saying a thousand words.
"Fine, I've been moping," Toushirou grumbles, deflating. If only all his problems could leave him alone for just five minutes. Is that really so much to ask? He's been utterly miserable with them crowding his thoughts that he hasn't had any time to think. "But you can't tell anyone."
"Shirou-chan," Momo sighs, irritated, but as the seconds tick by, she relents. "Okay. I won't."
"Thank you," Toushirou says, quietly.
"I still think you should tell Karin-san how you feel about her, Shirou-chan," Momo says, pointedly, gently. "You're never going to know unless you say something, right?"
He's hesitant to reply at first, torn between wanting to savour how hope ignites in his chest and wanting to extinguish it because of how futile it feels.
"But," Toushirou begins, inaudible, wavering back and forth.
There's a danger in wanting to believe in something so badly and pretend it's true
"Karin likes Juushirou," Toushirou states simply, meeting Momo's gaze, his voice resolute once more. "Therefore, she can't like me."
"Have you learnt nothing from the books I lent you?" Momo folds her arms across her chest, huffing. "A person can like two people at the same time — that's why love triangles exist, Shirou-chan! If you want proof of that, well, didn't Karin-san have a boyfriend while also liking Juushirou-kun?"
"She did, but," Toushirou acknowledges, swallowing, thinking back.
Karin downplays her feelings a lot of the time, and Toushirou has known her long enough to recognize when she is, but when she needs to be forthcoming about matters that she can't remain silent on, Karin has no problem expressing that side of her.
And when it came to matters of the heart, well, subtlety was non-existent whenever Karin was around Juushirou. It was like Juushirou lit a fire that radiated from Karin for miles and miles.
Did Daiki ever make Karin that happy?
"I'm pretty sure she didn't actually 'like him' like him," Toushirou concludes with a shrug. He won't deny that Karin cared about Daiki but… he never was convinced that she felt more for him than that, basking in the attention. "Karin basically said as much anyway."
"Okay, well, that can happen sometimes. Next thought, then: maybe she's projecting?" Momo suggests, trying a different approach after mulling over the information. She raises her hand as he is about to speak, not finished with her thought, and Toushirou nods, closing his mouth, curious to know what she's thinking. "If Karin-san can't have you, then she'll have the next best thing. You're her best friend, Shirou-chan; Juushirou-kun is your mysterious older brother that she still doesn't know that well, and therefore, easier to project and channel her feelings in a more… symbolic way. If she can't let herself feel that way about you, then… it's might be safer to direct her emotions onto him? How does that sound?"
"I don't know. It's possible, I guess, but," Toushirou sighs, doubtful and uneasy at the thought. He shakes his head, not willing to entertain them for a second. Even if he didn't like the idea of it, he can't imagine Karin doing that that. He can't imagine Karin liking him that way, wistful sighs and longing glances and... "No. Definitely not. Karin would never do that."
"What if she was doing it subconsciously? That way she'd be unaware that she was doing it at all?" Momo suggests as a counterpoint, tilting her head as she considers the possibility that greatly distresses Toushirou. She exhales, and moves on. "Okay, it was only a thought. There are plenty of alternatives like… like… oh! Oh!"
She gasps, and claps her hands, intrigued by the prospect, then meets Toushirou's gaze with a contemplative expression.
"What if Karin-san is acting this way to make you jealous?" Momo grins, enthused. "Classic romantic tactic."
He snorts.
"If that was the case, Momo, I think Karin would have noticed that I am," Toushirou grumbles, growing crankier with each potential theory that he has to shut down with his powers of logic and reason. Even if Karin had tried to make Toushirou jealous subconsciously, surely she would have said something by now.
Right?
"Not necessarily, she could be just as dense as you," Momo sighs, tiredly, and rubs her temple. She takes a moment, letting her remark really sink in, before she opens her eyes and looks at him, and even now, there's a hopeless affection for him even when she finds him exasperating. "I can't claim to know what's going through Karin-san's head, Shirou-chan. I can only suggest these theories because they've happened so often in romance novels that I know how they play out."
Life isn't a romance novel, Momo had said, Toushirou recalls. It wasn't going to work the same way it was for them. That didn't mean they couldn't use it as a frame of reference, though, trying to navigate their situation.
Oh.
"Maybe we've been going about this the wrong way," Toushirou muses, furrowing his brow. For the entirety of their current discussion, they've been trying to analysis what Karin might or might not be thinking and feeling, applying romance tropes arguably as a reason. Perhaps what they — what he — needs to do is change the angle. "Maybe I should take initiative and see if I can make her jealous?"
"That… actually sounds like a good idea, Shirou-chan!" Momo says, pleasantly surprised by his contribution, and smiles at him, enthused. "I'm a little bit impressed, I have to say."
"Yeah, well. You probably thought of it first," Toushirou mumbles, warmth spreading across his face. If Momo had suggested it, he might have shot it down. Or maybe not. It seemed like a safe way to test the waters, so to speak.
"It might have crossed my mind once or twice," Momo admits with a sheepish smile, cheeks pinkening, and she giggles a little. "But that doesn't mean I'm not proud of you for coming up with a plan."
"Thanks, Momo," Toushirou dryly says, "I learned from the best."
He's read more than a few books that liked to use the ever helpful narrative device known jealousy.
It let Toushirou realize his true feelings; hopefully it'll be the same for Karin.
The question is, then, who is going to be his false object of affection?
"Well, look who's back," Karin says, perking up the moment she sees him, and bursts into a megawatt grin. "Good to see you, Toushirou."
"Hello to you too, Karin," Toushirou mumbles, flustering, much to his surprise. He hadn't counted on the rush of warmth radiating through his cheeks. He hadn't realized that being actively aware of having a crush on Karin would make him feel hyperconscious about everything, and he can't, for all he tries, stop his heart from beating so fast. At the mere sight of her earnest smile. He feels wonderful. He feels pathetic. How can he possibly act like everything is normal? "How have you been?"
"Good thanks," Karin beams. "Better now that you're here."
"Oh yeah?" Toushirou raises an eyebrow, intrigued, desperately trying to not let his pulse race. "How's that?"
"I'm kind of in the mood to win," Karin says, her easy grin not wavering for even a second. "And you… well, you're a decent match."
"Please, I let you win," Toushirou snarks, slipping into their usual banter without any difficulty at all. Harbouring a crush on Karin or not, it's not enough to make him lose all rationality around her. A decent match? He's much more than a decent match.
"As if."
"You have the advantage," Toushirou points out, as he does every time they fall into this debate, "of this being your home turf."
"Well, hey, any time you want to play soccer with me on yours, just let me know," Karin quips, teeth dazzling white as she playfully punches his shoulder, the warmth of her knuckles seeping through his clothes, and he feels heady for a second, momentarily displaced. "Now are we going to talk, or are we going to play?"
"Game on, Kurosaki," Toushirou smirks, and in this bright and blinding afternoon, where the sun is too hot and the atmosphere is too humid, it's remarkably easy to shove his stupid feelings aside and let his competitive nature take over instead.
Karin tosses the soccer ball into the air, and their soccer skirmish begins.
Afterwards, he feels exhausted, but in a good way. Sweat cools on his skin, and Toushirou basks in the moment, relishing how fun it was, how relaxed he now feels. He's missed the wind running through his hair, the grass staining his clothes, as he races back and forth across the field, trying to gain the upper hand and steal the ball from Karin. But Karin gives as good as she gets, and never let it be said that their victories against each other aren't earned.
It's so much easier to play soccer when he's not a lanky, spindly scarecrow, but that doesn't mean that he's guaranteed a win.
"Someone's out of practice," Karin teases, though she herself sounds a bit breathless.
"I can't believe I lost," Toushirou says, ignoring her as he heaves out heavy breaths. His limbs are sprawled across verdant stalks, and Toushirou lies on the ground, staring at the blue sky. "That never happens."
"It's likelier than you think," Karin grins impishly, sitting next to him, though she changes her mind a second later and decides to join him, stretched out on the grass. "Especially if you keep yourself locked up in Soul Society. Still, you looked like you were having fun."
"Of course I did," Toushirou rolls his eyes. "I'm with you."
"Aw."
His heart skips a beat at that, her pleased expression, how she doesn't play off the moment with sarcasm — Karin is genuinely touched by his words, and that, more than anything is the reason why he remembers why he came to visit.
"I have to talk to you about something," Toushirou says, closing his eyes. Lets himself enjoy the warmth of the sun on his face before he says the words. "It's important, Karin."
"Yeah?" Karin says, and he opens his eyes to the sound of her voice, marvelling how pretty she looks up close, her ponytail curled around her neck, her arms folded behind her head, every inch of her utterly at ease. "Okay, sure. Just give me five minutes."
"Alright," Toushirou agrees, relieved that he can use the time to prepare himself for what he's about to say. When enough time has passed, he sits up and breathes out.
He's welcomed by the sight of Karin's grin, and it's like a reflex, he can't help but smile back. Warmth bursts out of him, shining from his entire face.
"So what did you want to talk about?" Karin asks, languidly, sitting cross legged and looking at him with expectant eyes.
"Girl problems," Toushirou says, looking at the sky, not wanting to see Karin's expression. He's too afraid of what he might see. "I don't know who else to talk to."
"Girl… oh! Oh, no way!" Karin gasps, then grins delightedly the second it clicks and she figures out what he means, much to his bafflement. She sounds so excited for him, not — "You like someone? Who?"
He strains his ears trying to hear that note of jealousy beneath the complete and utter joy she has for him.
He tries to spot a flicker of insincerity in her expression, but Karin's an open book, and the only emotion she has for him is this precise moment is pure euphoria. As if they're best friends confiding in each other with their crushes on other people, not secretly pining for each other in the meantime.
"Not telling," Toushirou retorts, bitter because he wanted to catch Karin out, to let jealousy betray her like it had with him, and instead… she's happy for him.
Genuinely happy for him.
How dare she!
"C'mon," Karin pleads, pouting, sotto voce. "I told you about the people that I like."
"Yeah, well," Toushirou mumbles, flushing red because he didn't expect her to act cute and how does Karin not know the effect she has on him? "That's you."
"True," Karin nods, accepting his response, and just like that, she relents, lifting her hands up as a gesture that she'll leave him be. "Alright, fine. You don't have to tell me. It's your secret to keep."
Wait.
That's not —
That's not what he wanted at all.
"Fine," Toushirou rolls his eyes, ridiculously annoyed by her response that the intensity of it surprises him. "I'll tell you if —"
"If," Karin echoes, looking at him with a fond smile, unable to hide her amusement, and he gapes at her, outraged.
Was this her plan all along?
"If," Toushirou hesitates, wanting to draw out a reaction from her and then decides against it. Likely he's overthinking things. Best to keep it simple and focus. He can analyse everything later, when his chest doesn't feel so tight. He swallows and lowers his voice. "If you promise not tell anyone."
"Sure."
"I mean it, Karin," Toushirou murmurs, looking at her solemnly, so she knows he's not messing around.
"Done," Karin nods, miming zipping her mouth shut, and he resists the urge to smile at her.
"I knew I could count on you," Toushirou says, trying to supress his guilt, and he's rewarded by the sight of Karin's smug grin. He takes a deep breath and: "It's Kuchiki Rukia."
"What?" Karin's jaw drop, and… she looks horrified. "You're kidding me."
"I wish," Toushirou lying through his teeth and holds his ground while his traitorous heart beats erratically in his chest. His knuckles tighten, hoping that — hoping for —
"But she's…" Karin trails off, and her horror at finding out who his crush is gives way to… sadness? Concern? Toushirou doesn't understand, but Karin looks at him, worried. "Rukia is dating Renji."
"I'm aware," Toushirou mutters, sounding resentful and bitter instead of being agitated by this stupid and embarrassing lie that keeps on escalating whether he likes it or not and how it always, without fail, always leads back to Kuchiki and Abarai.
There's a nice little irony there, which he knows that Momo will appreciate.
"That's why —" Toushirou sighs, grimacing as he forces himself to go through with it and push the words out, even as it goes against every fibre of his being. It makes his admission seem more believable, he knows, even as he hates everything but especially those two for causing this stupid chain of events that has led him to this situation in the first place. "That's why you can't tell anyone."
"I won't," Karin promises, loyally, before she looks at him with wide eyes. "But — Rukia? Really?"
He can't tell if there's an iota of jealousy in her voice even now, her confusion ringing loud and clear.
Maybe the jealousy comes later, after the dust has settled.
(Maybe it doesn't come at all.)
"Yes," Toushirou snaps, emphatic, before mumbling, cheeks blazing, mortified with himself. "At least, I think so."
"What do you mean you think so?" Karin narrows her eyes, questioning. "Is that a Soul Society thing? Not knowing if you like someone or not? I thought you said that love is a… what did you say… a serious matter. That there's only one true love for everybody? Like swans, I guess. So, for Rukia and Renji there can be no one else, which makes you… doomed, right?"
Oh.
So that's why she's worried.
"I did say that," Toushirou confirms, dragging the words out slowly, because he sure he wasn't wrong about the romance norms, but he can't quite figure out what to tell Karin at this very moment. Love is taken very seriously in Soul Society, he stands by that. Once a person falls for someone, there is no one else. That's true love, where they have years and years to stand by that person's side, and know their soul completely.
(And if that time gets cut short, well — no one can fill that void.)
At least, that's how it's always seemed to him.
"But I didn't say that I'm in love with her," Toushirou points out, proud of himself for finding a loophole. "Only that I think I have a crush on her."
That's better, right?
Having a crush is one thing, being in love is another.
"Okay, but," Karin allows, but still look at him with confusion. "How do you not know if you have a crush on Rukia? Either you like her or you don't."
"You make it sound so simple," Toushirou deadpans. He knows better now.
"Isn't it?" Karin shrugs, blasé.
Of course it wasn't. He'd read dozens of books that even proved that — half the time the leads weren't aware of their burgeoning feelings until it was much, much later. He had wanted to yell at them, because the signs were there, and infuriatingly obvious, but the point remains: those characters of ink didn't know that they had crushes straightaway.
Toushirou himself had spent a good part of finding out that he had a crush on Karin in denial. And it wasn't until jealousy reared its ugly head that he became aware of it.
But then again, it depends on the individual.
"Did your brother?" Toushirou shoots back, and Karin opens her mouth and then shuts it.
"Point," Karin concedes. "But then again, maybe Ichi-nii never had a crush on Rukia. I don't know."
"What about for Inoue?" Toushirou lifts his eyebrow, curious. "Did you think he knew right away?"
"No, definitely not," Karin says, instantly, considering it a beat later, and laughs a little. "Ichi-nii can be a little dense, sure, but I think he was aware of what he felt by the time Orihime confessed to him. It was a bigger surprise to him that she felt the same way about him. That idiot."
"What about you and Daiki?" Toushirou asks quietly. "Was it really that simple?"
"Yeah. Pretty much," Karin confirms with a nod, reminiscing. "I knew right away that I liked him. So I dated him. Then I didn't, so I ended it. See? That simple."
He stares at her, bemused, a little envious how easily she put it behind her.
It sounds like common sense, coming from her, as if she's arbitrarily picking a favourite colour based on her mood right now, different to the one she'll pick five minutes later.
"Anyway," Karin says, apropos of nothing, and plucks out a clover from the grass, mulling, "There's someone else in the picture now."
Just like that, the world crashes into a standstill.
"You're not seriously going after my brother, are you?" Toushirou squawks, a wave of panic rushing over him, his dismay out in the open before he realizes what he said.
"What? No! As if!" Karin shrieks, drawing back, astonished by his outburst. Heat rushes to her cheeks, a dark burgundy that spreads like wildfire. "C'mon, Toushirou, we've been over this! He's hot, okay? Incredibly hot, I am never going to deny that! But no. It's never going to happen."
"But —" Toushirou swallows, heart in his throat. But —
"But what?" Karin says, daring him to finish his sentence. She looks at him, defiant and a little bit nervous.
"I thought," Toushirou stutters, refraining from saying, you flirt with him all the time! I know how you look at him! I am him! "Um."
"Yes?"
His flush deepens as Karin watches him, unrelenting.
"I thought," Toushirou mutters, in vain, trying to cling on to a semblance of dignity, "that you really liked him."
"I do! Juushirou is awesome, okay? Really awesome!" Karin stresses with enthusiasm, and Toushirou hates the spike of resentment and self-loathing that shoots right through him, even though he'd seen it coming a million miles away. He knew it. Karin doesn't notice, though, tucking her hair behind her ear, and going bright red as she looks away. Toushirou still glimpses the hint of a girlish smile, as she continues. "Nothing will change that, but… Juushirou is like a million years old, and, well, I like someone else now."
So soon?
"Already?" Toushirou balks, stunned. Wasn't it only last week that she dumped that — that Daiki?
"Mmhm," Karin shrugs, looking down and grinning sunnily, swaying with glee, like she can't help herself. It would be cute in any other scenario, if only Toushirou wasn't taken aback by her news. "He caught my attention right away."
"Oh," Toushirou says, after a pause, wondering what she expects of him. Praise, right? "Good. Good for you."
"Uh huh," Karin narrows her eyes, not at all convinced by his extremely heartfelt and joyful display at support. She leans forward, and he can feel her breath as she studies him with a watchful expression. "What is it?"
"What?" Toushirou swallows, pulse racing.
"Whatever it is that's bothering you," Karin states bluntly, cutting the chase, as she draws back.
"Nothing!" Toushirou asserts, flushing. He raises his hands, trying to play innocent while he suppresses thoughts of wondering if she'd listened to Juushirou's advice or thrown it out the window, if things would have happened like this without any inference from Juushirou whatsoever. "Didn't you say that you were happy being single?"
"I did," Karin nods, contemplative. "I am. But, I think this… rapport I have with Yusuke could go somewhere."
"Alright," Toushirou says, calming down, careful to hide his disappointment for… what, exactly? He's her friend, and he should act like it. Karin's moving on. He should be happy for her. He is happy for her, dammit, but… "Tell me about him."
"If I do, you're not going to scare him off, are you?" Karin teases, a dimple in her cheek.
"I didn't scare Daiki off," Toushirou objects, and that earns him a laugh from Karin, who is more than amused at his response. He tries to recall that day, and comes up feeling doubtful. "Did I?"
"No, but you were very grumpy that day," Karin informs him, and he certainly remembers that. Actually, no, he didn't. He wasn't any grumpier than he usually is. He's pretty certain. Karin continues, smiling softly in reminisce. "He was worried that he'd done something wrong to upset you."
"He didn't do anything," Toushirou recalls, frowning. "He was fine, Karin. A little quieter than I expected, but fine."
"Uh huh," Karin says, glib, before she echoes. "Quieter than expected?"
"Yeah," Toushirou shrugs. "I thought he'd be more… flashy."
"Flashy," Karin repeats, staring at him in bemusement. "Okay?"
"Yeah," Toushirou says, flushing under her scrutiny and refusing to elaborate because what he means is — Karin caught his attention right away the first time he laid eyes on her. He never would have guessed that she would become a person of importance to him, but he could tell right away that there was something about her. And he's a little disappointed that Daiki never quite made much of an impact. He was fine, but ultimately forgettable. "Besides, I wasn't that bad."
"Oh, please," Karin deadpans, before giving him an incredulous look and snickering. "You were just as bad when it was my birthday and Daiki-kun tried to be extra nice to you. To no avail, I might add. But, sure, okay, Toushirou, you weren't that bad. Whatever helps you sleep at night."
"Tell me about Yusuke," Toushirou says, pointedly ignoring her, his cheeks burning. No matter what she claims, he wasn't.
"Finally," Karin says, eyes lighting up as she waxes rhapsodic about the new crush that's taken her fancy. "He's on the basketball team and thinks he's pretty hot shit."
"Is he?"
"Hell yeah he is!"
When he thinks about it later, he can't help but feel that Yusuke seems awfully similar to Juushirou.
Which is just fucking stellar.
"You were right," Toushirou huffs, unable to stop pacing after he's stormed into Momo's office, and folded his arms tightly across his chest, deeply, deeply unhappy with the newest predicament. He feels like an idiot. Of course out of all the options presented, the one that turns out to be right is the one that he liked least.
"About?" Momo asks, delicately, watching him carefully.
"Karin," Toushirou says, scowling, and forces himself to stand still. Fuming.
"You mean," Momo stands up, confusion shifting into hopefulness, "Karin-san feels the same way as you do?"
He gapes at her, flabbergasted at how she could possibly come to that conclusion.
Would he be in a state of frenzy if Karin felt the same way?
"Very funny," Toushirou glares, growing more embittered. As if. Toushirou knew it would end up like this. He just knew it. He knew he never had a chance! "Your theory about Karin projecting, Momo, is correct."
"Oh," Momo sits back down, disappointedly sighing.
"She's interested in someone else," Toushirou continues, furious with himself, as he recites the facts. "A basketball player. Who sounds exactly like Juushirou."
"You're sure?" Momo asks, carefully, still watching him with a sense of caution. Not quite as convinced as Toushirou thought she would be, which might have calmed him down, had he he not been too busy seething in envy.
"Brash, confident, handsome and he knows it, yeah, Momo, I'm sure," Toushirou glowers, giving Momo a brief rundown of what Karin told him. Fuck. He did it. This is his fault. He gave Karin the perfect fantasy boyfriend that any girl would ask for, and now she's looking to find the next best thing. In human form. "You can see the similarities, right?"
"Are you going to learn how to play basketball now?" Momo asks, bemused. It almost feels like she's trying to suppress a giggle at the thought.
"No, that would be stupid," Toushirou sulks, having already considered it and deemed it useless before their conversation had even begun. Far too much time would have to be expended in order to be decent at the sport. "That's not even — why would I need to? All I'm saying is that this 'Yusuke' is a lot closer in personality to Juushirou than me."
Ergo, Momo's theory of projection holds merit.
"What about Karin-san's first boyfriend?" Momo asks instead, not nearly as convinced as he is, resting her hand under her jaw, staying calm while Toushirou can feel himself become even more panicked as the seconds pass. "What was he like?"
"Not like Juushirou," Toushirou says, a tad smug, before dissolving into an anguished lament, flipping into the opposite end of the emotional spectrum. "But not like me either."
He supposes, if he had to compare himself and his brother, Daiki would fall more in line with him, but still… it's not a thought that makes him feel better.
Toushirou isn't particularly 'flashy' either. At the time, he meant 'flashy' as someone who stood out and could make an impact. When he thinks about the description some more, he realizes that it could also apply to Juushirou, in spades.
Juushirou was excessively flashy, though. He captivated everyone's attention, good or bad. Juushirou had to be the centre of attention, refusing to be ignored, whereas Karin drew Toushirou's attention without even trying.
That's the difference, Toushirou reassures himself, pettily making himself feel better, before he remembers that brief stint of accessorizing with that bandana. Matsumoto still delighted in reminding him about it every so often, even though it had been years since he had last worn it, calling it 'an iconic fashion statement that must never ever be forgotten'.
"That doesn't mean that Karin-san's projecting, necessarily," Momo rebuffs in a gentle tone, bringing him out of his reverie. "Perhaps Karin-san has a type. Or perhaps she's just… testing the waters. Experimenting what she likes and doesn't like. Have you considered that?"
"I am not waiting for boyfriend number three to find out," Toushirou growls, suddenly in a much fouler mood.
"I can't believe I ever thought this could be platonic," Momo mumbles, looking up at the ceiling for a good few seconds, and then looks back down to Toushirou, with an expectant glance. "So, what now?"
"Obviously, I have to change Karin's mind," Toushirou begins, hands on his hips, plan percolating.
"Obviously," Momo agrees, encouraging him with a nod.
"Convince her that I'm the one she wants," Toushirou continues, and the solution is so simple he can't believe he didn't think of it sooner.
"Good!"
"I shall do it," Toushirou declares boldly, snapping his fingers, "as Juushirou."
"Um," Momo says, quietly, her mouth falling open, her eyes as wide as saucers. Dumbfounded, she stares at him, trying but failing to find words, for some reason. "Could… could you repeat the last part, Shirou-chan? I must have misheard; I could have sworn I heard you say —"
"I did," Toushirou confirms, triumphantly, his mind made up. He's finally come up with a good idea. "If Karin doesn't want to date me, Toushirou, then all I have to do is be the person that Karin wants to date, which is me, Juushirou."
Momo buries her face in her hands.
"You cannot be serious," Momo moans, voice muffled. "I did not just hear that. I refuse to believe that I heard that."
"It makes perfect sense!" Toushirou insists, resolute. "And, Momo, it's a win-win situation!"
How does she not see that?
Momo looks at him, deeply concerned.
"No, Shirou-chan, it does not make perfect sense!" Momo shrieks, slamming her palms on her desk, and he blinks, not expecting that reaction. He takes a step back as she stands up, vexation clearly written over her face. "Not to mention that it is incredibly presumptive of you! And! And! Have you forgotten that you don't even like being Juushirou-kun!"
He scowls.
"You're going to have to explain how you consider that a win," Momo shrilly asks, gazing at him with wild eyes and despite everything, a look of concern. "I don't understand, Shirou-chan."
It's strange how calm Toushirou feels all of a sudden. But maybe that's what happens when facing the truth, after having spent such a long time denying it. All the emotions are stripped away, and the acceptance makes him feel clear headed.
He feels pure, enlightened, utterly consumed by clarity.
"It's simple, Momo. Karin wants to be with Juushirou," Toushirou states, recalling the yearning in Karin's expression when she talked about his 'brother' and wishes he didn't feel such anguish at the memory. But he steels his resolve when he reminds himself why he's doing this. He has proof now that he will never be enough. But he will if he's Juushirou. And the truth is, he doesn't mind devoting himself to a cause like this. He's done it before. He'll do it again. "So if I become Juushirou, Karin can date him, and I can be with her. Because I am Juushirou. See? This way we both get what we want."
"Captain Hirako gives me far less headaches than you do right now," Momo states, in complete wonder. She looks at him, utterly baffled, like he's lost his mind. "How does that even happen?"
He doesn't feel the need to respond to that.
"Answer me this, Shirou-chan," Momo demands, inhaling in an attempt to regain control and changes tactic, pressing her lips into a thin line. "How do you know that Karin-san still likes Juushirou-kun if she's willing to date other people? Wouldn't that suggest that she's moved on?"
Unluckily for Momo, Toushirou knows the answer already. He's read about it countless times from the books she gave him.
"No, that's ridiculous," Toushirou says, dismissive. "It's part of Karin's ploy. I finally figured it out. She doesn't want to make me jealous; she wants to make Juushirou jealous!"
"This is insane," Momo mutters. She tries again, her eyes pleading with his. "Do you even realize how insane this sounds? How you sound?"
"Momo —"
"You are not Juushirou-kun, Shirou-chan! Juushirou-kun is a person we made up! He isn't real!" Momo proclaims passionately, chest heaving, trying so hard to get through to him, and her words, for whatever reason, just fall away and don't make sense. "If you do this — Shirou-chan, if you do this, I will not help you."
"Momo," Toushirou tries again.
"No, I won't do it. I refuse," Momo interrupts, lifting one hand, stopping him. "I don't want any part of this. You cannot talk to me about Juushirou-kun unless you want help on how to end it. And honestly, I would prefer you to not talk to me until it's over. However long that takes."
"I understand," Toushirou says.
"Shirou-chan!" Momo says, sharply, her anger flaring back in full force. "You said that Juushirou wasn't going to happen again!"
"Things change!" Toushirou retorts, clenching his jaw. "I've changed!"
He made a mistake with Juushirou last time. This time it won't be.
"I see," Momo says, visibly disappointed and restraining herself. "You're on your own then; if you think you can deliberately mislead Karin-san into believing you're someone you're not forever."
"Fine."
"Karin-san is one of your best friends, Shirou-chan," Momo reminds him, trying to appealing to better nature. "She has no idea that Juushirou-kun doesn't exist, and if — no, when she finds out — because she will, baby brother, this is going to end badly, and both of you are going to get hurt."
"I'll be careful," Toushirou promises. "There's not going to be a 'when', Momo."
Her facial response is one akin to heartbreak.
"I have to get back to work now, Shirou-chan," Momo says instead, sounding wooden, masking her frustration. She sighs. "It's been… well, it's been quite a talk."
"Wait," Toushirou says, winded because it wasn't supposed to go like this. Yes, Momo lost her temper and voiced her criticisms, but she was supposed to… they were co-conspirators. It was them against Soul Society. "Momo."
"The door is right there," Momo points, quietly but firmly. "Matsumoto-san must be wondering why you aren't looking for her."
"I'm sorry," Toushirou says, sincerely. He didn't mean for things end up like they have. "I'll… I'll talk to you soon. Bye, Momo."
"Shirou-chan," Momo says, softly, reaching out one last time before he leaves her office. "It's not too late to change your mind. You don't have to do this."
He wishes that he could believe her.
"It's a nice thought," Toushirou allows, smiling sadly for a moment, before taking a deep breath and exits. Later, when he thinks back to this moment, he will wish that he had listened, that he hadn't set his mind to achieving such an impossible task, if only he wasn't so stubborn.
The door shuts behind him, and Toushirou stands still, trying to reconcile what happened with the flurry of conflicting emotions he now feels.
What is he going to do now? Toushirou wonders, passing a hand over his face, feeling off balance and dizzy with loss, unable to collect himself just yet. Can he really do this alone?
At that moment, luck intervenes, or something close to it, as Toushirou becomes aware of someone watching him with interest.
A Captain who is already aware of the situation he's in.
