"I'm struggling to forgive you, because I don't know how," Guinevere said, one evening, while Arthur was going over reports and Merlin was sharpening his sword. Merlin looked up, feeling just as confused as Arthur looked, his eyebrows forwarded.

"Come again?" Arthur asked, setting down the paper in his hands and looked up at his wife. "What have I done this time?"

"It's not what you have done this time...but throughout our entire marriage," Gwen said, and Merlin sighed, looking back down at the sword in his hands. He thought of running himself through with the sword, just so he didn't have to hear this conversation, but then thought better of it. "There are things...I just cannot hold to myself another moment."

"There are things you are holding to yourself?" Arthur retorted, voice that of a mock. "That isn't a life of a royal, is it?"

"That is not the way I want to rule, Arthur."

"Very well..." Arthur trailed off. "Go on. Tell me."

"You have said some very hurtful things, things that hurt me so deeply, I could never imagine you could hurt me this deeply," Guinevere explained, though, with no great detail. "I never dreamed you could be such a horrible husband...if I had-"

"You wouldn't have married me?" Arthur countered. "No one is stopping you from leaving now, if I have hurt you so much."

"This is what I mean, you are so ready to give up," Gwen stated, eyes welling with tears. "It makes you wonder if you love me at all."

"I do," Arthur stood. "But I don't know how to do it right...I can only do it the way I know how."

"That clearly isn't enough," Gwen spat. "You spend more time with your servant than your queen!"

"Only because my queen pushes me away," Arthur retorted. "Perhaps if she didn't fight me over every little detail?"

"You used to love my strong minded spirit..."

"I still do, but not when you question me right in front of my entire counsel and make me feel like an idiot, or when you refuse to attend social events with me, or if I say one thing you don't like, you tell me how terrible a husband I am," Arthur explained. "These things push me away, Guinevere."

"Merlin does these things, and you leave him unpunished?" Gwen countered, Merlin didn't like how his name kept being brought up. This didn't have anything to do with Merlin. He set the sword down on it's stand and stood up, eyes traveling over Arthur. He was tense, and clearly trying not to look at Merlin, in return.

"This has nothing to do with Merlin," Arthur shook his head, saying Merlin's very thought.

"No, it doesn't, but you allow him the luxuries of saying and doing as he pleases, and yet I cannot?" Gwen offered, bitterly. "You are ready to throw me away and yet you allow him to stay?"

"I am not!" Arthur retorted, shaking his head, again, he pointed his finger at Gwen. "You started this, not me. As far as I knew, we were perfectly fine."

"We're not fine, Arthur, we are never fine!" Gwen nearly shouted. "Sometimes I wish...I wish-"

"What?!"

Gwen's lips quivered, "That I had never let you kiss me that day in my house, that I never fell in love with you, but mostly that I had...went with Lancelot."

Merlin gasped, despite his best efforts to keep himself quiet, in the corner. Neither of them looked over, thank the heavens, Gwen was too busy being teary-eyed and Arthur, his mouth was hung open, his eyes wide, but Merlin could see the anger in them. That was a blow, a deep one. Merlin knew that, and he believed Guinevere knew, too.

"...we agreed to never mention Lancelot again," Arthur said, stone cold. That was never a good thing, when Arthur spoke with no emotion. Merlin knew, he knew the anger Arthur was masking. "But I knew you always loved him, perhaps more than me."

"He was my first love, Arthur, do you honestly expect me to never think of him again?" Gwen said, her voice calmer, she knew the dangerous waters she was in.

"Yes," Arthur barked, he began to breathe heavily. His face was turning red and his facade was breaking around him, quickly. "I do, Guinevere!"

"That's foolish..."

Arthur huffed. "You would think that, as you wish you were with him now," Arthur slammed his fist on his desk. "But where is he now? Dead! Yet you wish to be a widow?!"

"Because of you!" Gwen retorted, tears running down her face. Arthur eyed her.

"You blame me for his death?"

"No..." Gwen shook her head, her voice gone small. "I blame myself, too. I told him to protect you."

"I'm your husband, Guinevere!" Arthur commented, voice showing every bit of hurt he was feeling right now.

Gwen cried,"I know..."

Arthur's mouth hung open again, he looked up and his eyes landed on Merlin. "Leave," he spoke, at first he thought Arthur was talking to Gwen, but he had been very wrong. "Merlin...please."

He didn't need to be told twice, Merlin fled the room. He could hear shouting coming from it, only seconds after shutting the door. Merlin didn't stay to listen, he was too shocked. He couldn't believe Gwen would say half of the things she did tonight. How could she wish to be with Lancelot? He had been Merlin's friend too, and one of the only to know of his magic, but he couldn't imagine choosing Lancelot over Arthur. That might sound terrible, but Gwen had basically just chosen the man over her own husband, so Merlin couldn't look any worse. Besides, Arthur was Merlin's destiny, his friend, and...and well, Merlin loved him. Possibly long before he even realized it. Of course his loyalty was with Arthur, as if it could ever be questioned.

However, did this mean Guinevere was truly in love with Lancelot still? Merlin wondered, as he reached the armory. But no, that couldn't be the case, she only ever wanted to be with Arthur before, even while Lancelot still lived, even so much as to ask Lancelot to protect Arthur. Which he did, with his life. (Along with Merlin's, but no one knew that but him.) She couldn't mean it then, but why would she say such things? Was she really that unhappy with Arthur? Merlin sighed, and pulled open the cupboard to put away the tools he used to sharpen Arthur's sword.

He thought he heard someone coming down the hall, but he figured it was just one of the knights, probably Gwaine, he was one of the only ones to stay up at such a late hour like this, and Merlin ignored it. Though...he probably shouldn't have.


(A/N: I have returned! Finally got my internet turned on yesterday, there was a big issue with that, but it's all settled now. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Gwen's first line in this chapter is song lyrics. 50 points to your house if you know by whom! Also, who do you think is coming down the hall?!)