This chapter is very triggering for self harm, suicidal attempts, and depression.
I know it's been a few days since I wrote. I've been working up the courage to actually put this into words. I have, on multiple occasions, tried to kill myself. I found out pretty quick that Ragnarok won't let me die. I guess that's why I put up with him being mean. He says he only does it so he can go on living but I don't think that's the entire truth. I want to apologize to you Mr. Journal. The stuff I'm going to say isn't nice. I couldn't ever say this to someone else. Especially not Maka or Soul. It would hurt them too much.
The first time I tried, I slit my throat. It just seemed like that was how you did it. Ragnarok hardened my blood, so I didn't bleed out. It hurt a lot, but nowhere near as much as Ragnarok hurts when he comes out. When that happens, it's like getting stabbed a thousand times all around my back. I guess I got used to it eventually, because it doesn't hurt as much anymore. Mostly it pinches. I tried everything I could think of. I have scars on all of my major arteries. I tried to do other things, too. Ragnarok either came out to stop me or hardened my blood to stop it from happening. Most of the other stuff didn't leave permanent marks. I guess after I tried everything else I just wanted to hurt. It hurt so much to be inside my mind, I guess I felt like it wasn't real. I needed something real to hurt so I hurt myself. Ragnarok let me hurt, but he never ever let me die. Mostly it stings. I'm not sure why I still do it. Out of habit, maybe. I tried to make it pretty and not make really long jagged cuts. That's part of the reason I still wear the same thing. I like the collar and cuffs. Then nobody can see the scars. I'm not sure how long I can go without someone seeing something. I've had a lot of close calls. I'm not sure I could actually show someone on purpose.
I guess that's mostly it. The cat is out of the bag, so to speak. Whenever I get to that point where I feel like I want to die, I add to the pattern. It's different now. Before, I couldn't die because I wasn't allowed. I still feel like I want to die, but I made Maka a promise. I promised her that I wouldn't. She's seen inside me. She knows I feel like that, and I could tell that she worried that I would. So I made her the promise that I wouldn't kill myself no matter how bad it got. I guess I thought that would make it easier to deal with, but it didn't. I still felt like that, but the thoughts took a strange turn. Whenever I drifted off, I no longer thought about doing it myself. It's always an accident. I didn't fight back. Accidents happened that nobody is at fault for. It's changed, again, since then. Now it's even stranger. I don't die anymore. They're still accidents. Muggings, stuff I don't have any control over. But I never quite die. I come close. But I live. Sometimes I'm injured really badly, sometimes not as badly. But I live. I don't really know what to make of it. I guess that means I've made some progress, right?
I also have things I would like to do. Mostly, I want to be okay. I know that normal won't ever happen. I'm too strange to ever be normal again. I'm hard to explain to people. I have Maka and Soul, though, and that's okay for now. I'm okay, even if sometimes I'm not, because I know eventually I will be okay again. It might take a while, but I'll be okay. I'm not shooting for happy, or successful, or anything like that. I just want okay. I want to be comfortable. To feel safe. I can deal with feeling sad. I'd like to learn to deal with being okay. I've got more to say on other things, but I think that's enough for now. Thank you for listening, Mr. Journal.
