Chapter 9
"Get up, Katniss. It's about time." I hear his voice and I choose to ignore it.
Haymitch is outside my bedroom door. I did well to lock it last night because there is no way I'm getting out of bed today. I feel sick and after so many nightmares I could only hope my day is filled with peace and quiet. It would be a nice contrast after the night I had.
"Go home, Haymitch. I don't feel like it," I tell him. It's futile because he just starts knocking on the door even harder. I throw my father's hunting jacket on top of the ragged shirt I'm wearing and open the door. He looks relieved to see me, though I can tell he's worried about something.
"You might want to put some pants on and follow me. Maybe lose the jacket, it's hot outside," he tells me. I want to protest and tell him not even President Paylor could get me out of here today, but his tone is serious and almost urgent.
I do what he says and meet him downstairs. We walk towards town and Haymitch doesn't say another word. He looks tired. There are bags under his eyes and he seems to have gained a few wrinkles. His face reminds me of the day President Snow announced the 75th Quarter Quell. Except there isn't enough liquor in his system to make it hard to separate drunk Haymitch from worried Haymitch. We stop at the square and he signals to the place where once stood the bakery owned by Peeta's family. There is nothing left. Demolition is finally over and now the whole town is ready to be rebuilt. There are trucks carrying sand all over the square and wood pillars have already been erected in some lots. I can make out in the distance what will stand where The Hob was located. The pillars are tall and I foresee two stories. Probably another marketplace. A legal one this time. It's nice to see some rebuilding, still I'm wondering if Haymitch dragged me out of bed just for this.
"Look closer," he says. My confusion must have been apparent because now Haymitch is pointing at the tree that stood behind the bakery that once was. By the apple tree roots sits a boy, instantly taking me back to a rainy day not so long ago when I took shelter in the same place.
"Sae said he's been there since the sun rose. She tried talking to him but he hasn't even moved, let alone spoken. I haven't had any luck either. I guess we should call Dr. Aurelius, but I wanted you to try it before I do that. Who knows what the doctor will do if he thinks it's a relapse?" Haymitch says as he walks away. It's clear to me now why he looked so concerned. It must be exhausting for him to find himself still taking care of us. But he's right. Who knows what the doctor will do if he thinks it's a relapse? Maybe more medicine, more phone calls. Or maybe... The thought of it turns my stomach inside out. I haven't seen Peeta in a week and I know he isn't doing very well. If Dr. Aurelius thinks he needs more intensive treatment, he'll have Peeta sent back to the Capitol. He could even have Peeta committed again.
"No." I whisper. If he's gone I'll have nothing left. Nothing.
I start running to the tree and then slow down. I must be cautious; I don't know what's going through his mind. What if my presence makes it worse? If so, running at him definitely won't help. I approach him quietly and take a seat next to him. He doesn't acknowledge my presence and stares at the empty lot instead. His pupils are dilated and he doesn't blink. The sun shines off his blonde eyelashes and I can't help but fixate on their length. I'm always amazed at how long they are. Peeta's breathing is heavy, but paced. Almost as if it's taking all his strength for him to remember to take one breath after another. He clenches his fists on the ground and nails full of dirt sink into his skin. Though he hasn't said a word, I know Peeta's having a flashback. It's a little different from the ones I saw before, more controlled, but the telltale signs are there. I rest my head on the tree trunk and wait. Shaking him out of it could be worse, so I plan to watch his hands until he lets his fists go.
Haymitch was right; it's a hot day. If it wasn't for the spring rain we'd all think it was summer. I'm thankful Peeta chose this tree as a place of rest, though I'm sure his mind is anything but rested. I try to figure out what he's looking at and even though there's nothing but dust where the bakery once stood, his eyes tell me he's looking at the back door. Maybe he's thinking about that day with the bread, maybe it's something else. I'm resolute to just lie under this apple tree when he lets his right hand go. His fingers slowly graze the dirt before he grabs a chunk of it, rubs it between his index finger and his thumb and allows it to fall down like sand. As soon as he places his hand back on the ground, I take a hold of it. To my surprise, he doesn't let go.
"My mother hit me right there," he says pointing to the spot he's been staring at.
"Did you have a flashback, Peeta?" I ask him.
"Sort of. Sometimes flashbacks come with chunks of my memory and until I defeat the shiny images, I can't figure out what the real facts were," he explains, though he doesn't look at me.
"So what was it?" I shouldn't push him, but the internal battle Peeta fights daily is intriguing to me. Besides, I still have my guilt to deal with, never able to rid myself of the conviction that all the things he went through were my fault.
"I remember running from my home this morning. You had ordered an attack on Victor's Village and everything was on fire. But you were a fire mutt so you chased me here. I wanted to hide in my family's bakery but it was gone... How long have I been sitting here?"
"Since sunrise, and the sky tells me it's almost noon." Soon it will be too hot to stand out here, even in the shade.
"Were you here the whole time?" He finally looks at me and I see his pupils are back to a normal size.
"No, maybe just the last half hour. Haymitch was worried." I don't tell him I was worried too. Being close to me can hurt him. Why else would he have had such a bad week after spending the night on my sofa? To think of it, my week wasn't so great either. And now for some reason, the thought that I'm still a monstrous muttation in Peeta's flashbacks seems to forecast more black clouds to hang above my head.
"I'm sorry I disappeared," he says. "That day, I'm not sure why, I woke up afraid of you. I was even more afraid I would hurt you."
"I didn't know. I thought you were..." I can't find the right word. Disappointed? Upset? "I thought you were annoyed you spent the night. I'm not exactly what one would call pleasant company."
"That's not true. You're perfect," he says after standing and extending a hand to help me up.
It's the first time Peeta said something flattering like that since his hijacking. He's smiling so I can't tell if he's joking. If he is kidding, it's a cruel joke. He couldn't mean it; not after telling me of his flashback.
"No, I'm not. I am a fire mutt, I have the scars to prove it." I decide to test him.
"So do I. Yours just make you more beautiful," he grins at me and I resolve it's a joke indeed. It infuriates me.
"It's not funny. Especially not after you just told me how I'm still the subject of your worse nightmares. It's cruel. I know you don't see me that way anymore, Peeta. I know you can't see me the way you did before." I scowl and march ahead of him.
"I might not have told you, but the moments right after a flashback are my clearest ones. The shinier it is, the more I can pull myself together afterwards. It's the only reason Dr. Aurelius allowed me back, these brief moments of certainty," he says while following me.
This revelation stirs something inside of me. The idea that this Peeta standing behind me is mostly like the old Peeta makes me aware of how he used to love me. How he does mean it when he says I'm perfect. I'm the most flawed person I know and, perhaps, that's the reason I've missed his compliments so much. Knowing someone loves you makes you feel like a better person, even if you aren't one.
Peeta catches up to me and I find myself walking even faster. The idea that a boy who still loves me, even if it's just for a few minutes, is by my side makes me feel exposed. My guard is down. Just when I was getting accustomed to the idea that we will never work, that we will never be together. No matter how much I miss him. And I truly miss him, I know that very well now.
I stop my stride and turn to him. "I wish you hadn't told me that. About feeling like yourself, after the flashbacks." I say while avoiding his gaze.
"Why not? This is good, Katniss. The minutes of full clarity are like a reward for fighting through the venom and the corrupted images. They give me hope. I'm not sure why that would upset you," he contends.
It upsets me because now I know I can really have him back, wholly, for a brief moment, only to lose him again. Only to relive the pain and anxiety of what another bad memory has in store for him. Not even knowing what monster I'll look like the next time.
"Was it always like that? The sudden clarity?" I ask.
"No. Only after the parachute explosion at the City Circle. Remember when I told you about the diagnosis? One traumatic experience overriding the other? I guess I forgot to mention how my mind is strengthened after each episode. A day without a flashback is a good day, but my mind is never fully healed. The fuzziness doesn't really leave me. Except for moments like this one." He takes a deep breath before confessing, "Sometimes I hope for an episode just so I can enjoy feeling completely like myself for a little while afterwards. Besides, they've lasted longer since I came back. So maybe one day..."
I don't know what to think. All I wish for is to find a way to extend this short period of reality for Peeta, but I can't think of anything. Except that time I kissed him during the mission and he came back to me. If the Peeta standing in front of me is like the old one, he loves me. I could kiss him whenever I felt like it, he told me so. What is the point of it though, if the venom will take over right after and make him broken again? If it will turn any feelings he has for me into a blurry mess? Then it will be just me, alone again. Lingering in hopes of a second kiss I can't really get.
A/N: This chapter is a bit shorter but there's another one coming before the end of the week. Thanks to everyone who wished me good luck with my MA, it's going well so far. My point with this chapter was to go a bit more into detail on how Peeta is still struggling but he's getting better so that in the future things will be more doable. Please review if you can. Reviews really help to keep me motivated and to get my thoughts together for where the story should go next.
