Disclaimer: Twilight is the property of Stephenie Meyer
This chapter is dedicated to Noble, Fadewind and bibika94
Tobias
It is Tuesday the seventeenth of May in the year twenty seventy-two. Court is due to begin but I was one of the earliest to arrive. I am stood in my place watching in silent rage as Aro takes his throne and places such a casual hand on the head of my beloved. I long to snap that hand clean off and throw it on the nearest fire for daring to touch my Essie so.
Aro looks up at me, and smiles, it is obvious he has heard my thoughts through the power of my Essie, but I care not. He should now as well as anyone the fierce protection we vampires feel for our mates.
The door opens once more and Caius enters with Athenodora on his arm. He glances at Essie, rolls his eyes as if to bemoan the fact that his brother was still fussing over some injured rodent that should have been killed long ago. I knew that Caius despised Essie and he feared her power now. That was not a good combination of emotions to ignite in Caius; it makes him likely to act out.
I know that it is only thanks to Dora that he has not tried some secret assassination attempt to rid Volterra forever the curse of the wolf child. Not that they have referred to Essie as that for years. She has not phased since the time she took to the tower to try and ease the pain of her grief with her animal mind.
Caius takes his throne and deliberately turns his gaze away from Aro and Essie. Caius likes this arrangement no better than I, although our disapproval is for entirely different reasons.
Dora moves to her spot behind Caius' throne and before she becomes an impassive monument to obedient wives everywhere she meets my eye briefly and I see there the flicker of pity and concern. As she offers me that small gesture I find my mind returning to that fateful day over seven years ago when Essie declared herself Esther-Marie…
I had watched Essie circle for weeks and I was in despair as I watched her fade away before my eyes. I stopped her in her tracks and she had growled at me, but I confronted her over the fact that she was avoiding the issue and I even offered her the release of death, and I thought that had shocked her to her senses.
I followed her back to our chamber, feeling the thrill of doing wrong as I ran with a wolf through the halls of Volterra; so happy was I that Essie would revert to a form I could communicate with.
I had to open the door for her to enter the chamber, but the door to the bathroom was still ajar, just as we had left it when she had rushed out to the tower three weeks previous. She disappeared into the bathroom and the door closed in my face. I wasn't greatly angered by this for I thought that Essie may need time to freshen up once she had reverted back to form.
I heard her strangled sob and I felt her pain in my chest. I called out to her, but she assured me she was fine, despite the pain that broke her sentence. I offered to enter the bathroom but she refused my entry and I heard her lock the door.
Anxious but not too worried, for my Essie sometimes needed privacy to compose herself, I waited by the door. Although I would not wait long, I would break the door once more if I thought she was hurting too greatly, but I also realised that the grief Essie had been denying herself for three weeks would come crashing around her once more and Essie didn't like for people to see her truly weakened.
"I am here if you need me." I whispered, placing my hand against the door and hoping to send my comfort through the wood.
I heard the scrape of metal on tile and somehow I knew she was picking up the scissors.
I heard her whisper, "Goodbye Essie Black." Followed by the sound of the scissors opening.
I wasted no time to break down the door; despite my offer earlier I could not bear the thought of my Essie dead. It took a moment for the scene to settle in my mind. There stood my Essie looking emaciated, as she stood naked before the mirror. Her brown eyes were slightly unfocused as she took the scissors to her hair once more, the bronze falling slowly to the ground, some clinging to her sweat drenched skin.
"What are you doing?" I demanded, but she ignored me as she cut the last long strand to shoulder length.
She placed the scissors carefully back on the counter before she turned to me and her eyes were now gold.
"I must shower and dress." She stated. "I am ready to return to Court. You will accompany me."
Her voice was flat and monotone, but little did I realise it was a sign of things to come.
"It is more efficient if I shower first, but you must change. You have worn those clothes for three weeks now. It will not do to be un-presentable in Court."
"Yes." I replied.
With that she went past me to turn on the shower and she stepped under the water without waiting for the temperature to adjust. She washed in a methodical, robotic way and there was nothing sensual about it. I felt wrong watching her and so I left the bathroom and sat in my chair while I hoped in vain that the shower was the thing needed to bring her around. Once she felt clean she would feel better and we could talk.
She emerged from the bathroom with a towel around her head and wearing a bathrobe.
"Now you shower, perhaps take your clothes in with you to save time."
I said nothing, but I obeyed, thinking it best to play along for now. My Essie was adjusting and she needed a little time to regain her equilibrium, I should not make things worse by upsetting her.
I emerged from the bathroom, showered and dressed, to find a stranger standing in the middle of the room.
At least that is how I first perceived her.
There was my Essie looking as far from Essie as she possibly could. Every last strand of her hair had been scraped back and held in place with copious amounts of hair gel. She wore the robes of the Volturi, fastened correctly for once and beneath she wore a dress of deep purple. I remembered it as one of the finer dresses Aro had supplied for her before she had taken the robes.
This was not my Essie. This was Essie the Volturi and I felt sick to my core that she could ever look this way. Where was my beloved?
Whatever god may be listening hear my plea, this is not true, my Essie merely does this to trick Aro in someway and win our freedom so that we can put this whole wretched place behind us.
"We must go." She said and without waiting for my response she turned in a flurry of skirts and robes and left the chamber.
I followed her and my worry grew exponentially as we made our way to the Audience Chamber where I knew Court would be in full session by now.
She barely paid a glance to Santiago and Barry as she pushed the door open and strode in, her robes sighing around her, as she made no footfall in the suddenly silent hall. Everyone remained in shocked silence as Essie traversed the length of the chamber, throwing rainbows as she passed through the shafts of sunlight. I followed behind but kept my head down, I felt inexplicably defeated.
I watched in anguish as Essie fell to her knee before the thrones and pledged her allegiance to the brothers. Aro's grin was wide and even Caius looked pleased in that moment. Marcus had frowned slightly, something he quickly covered but I had the feeling he hated to see Essie on her knees as much as I did. One who looked as upset as I felt was Dora; she clearly had objections to this outcome.
Aro motioned Essie to stand and had her turn evidence on the three vampires who cowered before him. Essie read out their sins without hindrance then stated that they deserved to die. I could not disagree on this sentiment since the three in question had killed countless people for the fun of it rather than the desire to feed. What hurt me was that Essie declared the fact had no bearing on her suggestion of execution, the vampires had broken the law of secrecy and that's why they should die.
I was in despair, but I could not show it to the Court. I had to think of a good way to bring my Essie back to me. She was not lost. I was determined to find her even after she stated to the Court that they should refer to her as Esther-Marie henceforth. I knew I would never address her as thus, she was my Essie or Miss Esther, but never Esther-Marie. That was the name her mother used when she was in trouble.
From that moment on I was determined to get my Essie back, a sentiment Dora shared with me.
After Essie and I returned to our chamber she made it clear that she wished to sleep, and sleep alone at that. I was determined that first night to remain in the bed with her, but a knock at the door put paid to that.
I answered the door to find Dora on the other side.
"Who was that impostor?" She demanded in her native Ancient Greek. "She had Essie's face but it wasn't her."
"She did not act like Essie, but she is still in there." I replied, motioning for Dora to come in.
"She took the cold. I told her not to let them drive her cold, but she didn't listen. Can you not feel the ice around her?"
"Yes Domina, I feel the ice. She has encased herself within, but I am confident we may thaw her."
Dora drifted over to the bed and looked down at Essie where she slept.
"Poor child." She whispered as she placed her hand to Essie's forehead. "Perhaps if you were not here you could have coped with their loss." She added as she placed her hand to Essie's abdomen. "A woman needs her family at a time like this, not the company of monsters."
I had no idea how to respond.
Dora turned to me and she looked angered.
"Why did you bring her back here so soon? The month you still had left may have been what she needed to get over the first throws of grief."
"I wanted to remain in La Push, but Essie would have none of it. She did not wish to remain in Forks either. As soon as she was able to fly she had us leave regardless of the fact we had a few more weeks before we had to return. I knew she wasn't ready, but she insisted and I'd hoped she would start to work through her grief when she was away from the scene of its cause." I sighed. "Essie likes to hide from pain. She would not even look on the bodies of our children and banned me from doing so also for she would see my mind."
"She did not wish to see them?" Dora asked with a frown.
I nodded.
"I suppose all women are different." She murmured, "I know I wished to see my stillborn baby, if only to hold her for that one time to say my goodbye. I think she made a mistake, perhaps she regrets not seeing them now."
"Perhaps." I conceded.
"She should not have asked that of you too. You should have said goodbye if that was your wish."
"I do not wish to burden her mind more than it already is." I stated. "I hold her no ill will for what she asked of me."
"Of course." Dora said softly and she patted my arm. "I can not think of any advice to give you other than to remind Essie everyday of who she is. One day she will come back."
"Thank you Domina." I said solemnly.
"I must go now before Caius misses me." She stated, "Keep faith Tobias." She added and kissed my cheek before she left.
I watched the door close behind her and I couldn't help the thought that Dora was wrong. Seeing the children would not have helped Essie for it didn't help me. I did not tell Dora for I didn't want word to get to Aro but now that I was alone with the sleeping Essie I settled into my armchair and pulled from the inner most pocket of my jacket something I wished to keep close to my heart.
It was a Polaroid Marlin had pressed into my hand before Essie and I had left La Push, our bags packed by others since she had no want of returning to the Cullen house.
I looked at the photo of the two dead babies, although to me they looked as if they slept. My babies looked as if they slept peacefully, side-by-side for eternity, all swaddled in their blankets as if to keep them warm.
Essie had been right that there was one of each; there was my daughter, with dark curls around a pale face. There was my son, pale russet; his hair was a thick dark tuft atop his head. They were just as I had imagined them in that strange vision in the empty swimming pool. My Vela and Metie, never would they look like the children I saw for they had not lived that long.
This picture was all that remained to prove that I had for a brief instant hope in this modern time that I would right the wrongs of my past. They hadn't survived.
Yet in that picture you could almost swear that they merely slept. That any moment they would open their eyes to cry or laugh, who knew? They looked alive, merely sleeping, but I knew that was wishful thinking and I banished the thoughts from my mind.
I kissed each of them in turn then placed the picture back into my inner pocket to keep them close to my heart. I would guard this photo well in the hope that one day Essie will wish to see our children and on that day I can provide.
…That photo is still in my pocket now. Admittedly it is a little worn around the edges, but the babies are still clear. I have not told Essie of the photo for I fear now it would have a detrimental affect on her. Although I am at a loss of whether she could encase herself in more ice than she already has.
I look to the door as Marcus enters and he glances at me briefly to remind me that he is still hoping for me, hoping that I get my Essie back. He knows the pain of the loss of one's true mate and I do not wish to become like him.
I feel a slight wave of shame as I remember the time I accused him of stealing my Essie…
It would have been the fifth birthday of the twins on that day so I was not in the best of moods to begin with. As always on this date Essie was more withdrawn than usual, were that possible. I know not where the foolish idea had come from but it was seeing that purple sneak forth from beneath her robes that I remembered the great loathing I had harboured whenever she had stood behind Marcus' throne.
Many a time in those days before the tower I wondered if Aro planned to be rid of me and force Essie onto Marcus in order to tie her fully to the Volturi as his new wife. Even after the tower I wondered if the Fire Twins had indeed been acting alone when I was imprisoned and if Aro had in fact ordered my incarceration in the hope of wearing Essie down. If the Fire Twins hadn't chosen that moment to start their take-over of Volterra how long would Aro have left me in that tower?
The thoughts had festered for a while but on the day of the twins' fifth birthday they seemed to burst. It happened because of an incident at Court that night.
There was an envoy from the Yao to bolster our relations on the fifth anniversary of the Battle of Volterra, as that time was now known. Proceedings would start in the Audience Chamber before we would all make our way to the Arena for a grand display.
I was Essie's mate and I was present. I should have accompanied her to the Arena, even if her rank did appear greater than mine these days. I was about to move at the appropriate time to offer her my hand, but Marcus was already there, helping her to her feet and Essie didn't object.
I felt the fire of jealousy burn within me, yet I knew I couldn't act upon it in front of our guests, I would be punished severely if I showed Aro up in such a way.
I seethed as I walked along with the rest of the guard. I managed to gain access to the Royal Box by slipping in amongst the bodyguard, but that meant I had to watch as Essie took Didyme's old seat. It was exactly as if they were trying to fit Essie into that role and I was sure I'd already be dead if Aro was sure my death wouldn't crush Essie under the sheer weight of her icy prison.
I felt my anger grow through the entire ceremony and for some reason my anger turned toward Marcus. Perhaps it was the way he kept tapping Essie's hand as if to reassure her everything was fine.
Nothing was fine.
After two hours Aro recommended that Essie and I leave before the feast began. Marcus stood to help Essie to her feet and led her around to me. I offered my hand to Essie and she took it, but she let it go once we were out of sight of everyone else. I felt hurt and enraged as we headed beck to Our Chamber.
"You would hold his hand but not mine?" I demanded, once we were safely inside.
"I was acting on ceremony." She replied flatly. "Aro required the show, I would not have done it otherwise."
"Do you not care that everyone will think that you are Marcus' wife?"
"They know I am yours." Essie stated.
"The Yao do not and to an outsider it would appear that you are with Marcus." I hissed.
"Does it matter what they think when we know the truth?"
"What is the truth?" I demanded. "Are you still my wife?"
"We are not divorced."
"But you don't act as if you are my wife. You no longer show me affection and any I show you is thrown back in my face. I cannot even hold your hand unless it is for public display. When was the last time we kissed?"
Essie gave me a blank look and was silent for a full minuet.
"I am still your wife." She said and placed her mouth to my cheek, although I would hardly call it a kiss. "My body is yours if you want it." She said as she began to loosen her robes.
It took me a moment to realise what she meant.
"No!" I gasped, stopping her hands. "This is not what I want. I don't want your body if you are not in it, my Essie." I stated as I placed my hands to her cheeks and looked up into her eyes. "What pleasure would I gain if your fire is not behind it?"
I looked up into her eyes, hoping to spark something there, but they remained blank, as encased in the ice as the rest of her body.
"I have work to do." She said, stepping away from me and retreating to her chair.
"I am going for a walk." I announced miserably and I left the chamber.
I spent the next few hours walking the battlements, trying to get a hold on my anger, but it was no use, it was building, building toward one person.
I had no thought in my mind as I glided through the palace to the door of Marcus' chambers and knocked.
"Come in." Marcus called from inside.
I pushed the door open to find Marcus sat at his desk. He was writing, but he looked up at me when I entered.
"Tobias? What can I do for you?" He asked as if pleasantly surprised.
"Why are you trying to take Essie away from me?" I demanded.
"I do nothing of the sort." Marcus countered.
"Then why act like her mate this evening?"
"Aro suggested I do it to protect her."
"Protect her how?" I demanded.
"The Yao are still interested in an exchange programme and the one they would most like is Essie. They know she is your mate but they don't know that Esther-Marie is Essie. By presenting her as my wife the Yao are none the wiser."
"Will they not guess from her powers?" I asked.
"Essie will not display her powers in front of the Yao."
"She knows not to?" I asked as I felt worry descend over me.
"I believe Aro thought it to her."
"Then why did she not explain?" I murmured. "She tells me nothing."
"Poor boy." Marcus stated. "You must feel as if you have lost your mate yet must look on her every day. I cannot begin to fathom how that must feel."
"I will get her back." I said firmly.
"Of course you will." Marcus said just short of patronising.
"I must return to her now." I declared and I returned to my chamber where Essie was still sat in her chair…
I have not spoken of that incident with Marcus since, but he still offers me sympathetic looks from time to time. He is giving me one now as he takes his throne. I nod in acknowledgement before I grow still as the rest of the guard begin to filter in.
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