Give Me That Blasted Ocarina!!

A fan fiction by RebelX

Disclaimer: "Zelda and all related indicia belong to Nintendo."

Nintendo's lawyers glared.

"What?! I said it right this time!"

"Sorry, force of habit."

Disclaimer scowled.

A/N: Ok, I totally renovated a couple big scenes in this and the next few chapters, so if anything doesn't really make sense (well…I mean, besides the random insanity) please let me know so I can fix it. Thanks!

Chapter 9: In the bowels…..

Our story today begins deep within the bowels of the wicked fish of the west. I mean, in her evil fortress, not in her bowels. Anyway; here there could be heard much moaning, and gnashing of teeth. These noises came from two of the sushi queen's foul minions, who were in the process of moving a large table to the banquet hall.

"Ung…..urk...…dang this is heavy….."

"Uhg…..shut up and kick open that door"

"Um…..how?"

"What do you mean how?"

"We don't have legs, remember?"

"Ooh, right….."

They were not necessarily the best candidates for the job however, seeing as both of them happened to be scarecrows.

"Um…..try bashing it in with your head"

"What?! No! You do it!"

"I can't! I'm no where near the door!"

The table was not only really heavy but also ridiculously long. How the two scarecrows managed to carry a table of its size is a mystery for the ages. The two scarecrows had made it thus far by hopping, and had been lucky that Ruto's fortress had very few doors.

"You know, I don't think I could kick this thing open even if I did have legs and feet, so I really don't see how ramming my head into it is going to help."

"Well, it'd be good for a laugh."

It was also one of those big, fancy ornate doors that usually open into a banquet hall or similar gathering place.

"Look, let's just set it down somewhere so we can get the door open."

"Okay," said the one minion, who's name was Ted. He then promptly dropped his side of the table.

"Not here you idiot!" screeched the other, who had a ridiculously long name no one remembered and was known only as Dee.

"We can't open the door with this in the way! Pick it up, you bum!"

"Hmph." Ted harrumphed, picking his side back up. "Well where should we put it then?"

"I don't know. We really don't want to scratch the brand new tile-"

"Too late."

Dee glared at him.
Ted swallowed nervously and hastily changed topic. "Hey, why don't we set it on that? It doesn't look new."

He nodded to a strange upraised section of the floor. It was a pedestal made of stone, and very old. The symbol of the triforce overlaid with the symbol of the water medallion was carved into its surface (hint hint).

"Oh, that? Yeah that was on the island when we started. We just kind of built around it….."

"Why did she build the place in the middle of the lake, anyway?" Ted asked.

"A better question would be: why did she build around the tree?"

They glanced at a nearby tree, which looked very much out of place in the middle of the fortress.

"Can we just set this down now?"

"Ye- oh wait. Only one pair of legs will fit on the old pedestal."

"Well set the other pair on that weird green stone over there"

"What green stone?"

"That! The thing with the inscription about shooting at the sun!"

"Oh that. Ok"

And thus they hopped into position and heaved a sigh of relief as they set the heavy object down.

This done, the two minions hopped back over to the door.

"Damn that's big. Looks heavy, too. Think we'll be able to move it?"

"We won't know 'till we try" Dee said sagely.

"True"

And without further ado, Ted braced himself and pushed against the door with all his might. Dee, however, stood by and stared.

"Urg…..little help here!"

"Uh…..Ted?"

"What?!" the scarecrow snapped irritably.

"You have to unlock it first."

"…I knew that. I was just…..um…..aw Shaddup."

And so Ted and Dee reached up and hefted the huge wooden bar that served as a lock (I don't know what they're called) out of the way. Then Ted once again began pushing away at the door, which still would not budge.

Dee sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Ted?"

"Now what?!"

"That's a pull door."

"….."

"Ted?"

"Just…..just shut up."

Now finally both scarecrows grabbed the door handles and pulled for all they were worth. They were rewarded for their efforts as the doors moved. About two inches.

"Day-um! This thing weighs a ton!!"

"Urp….maybe we should both pull at the same-"

Before Dee could finish, he was interrupted by a sickly ripping sound, followed by a loud crash as Ted fell backwards onto the floor.

"Uh oh. Ted, you alright?" Dee asked, letting go of the door.

"DO I BLOODY LOOK ALRIGHT?!!"

Dee shuddered. Ted himself lay prostrate on the floor, but his arms were…..well…..still attached to the door.

"This is the worst pain ever!"

"Hoo boy. I better call a doctor or something."

"Screw the doctor! Get me a seamstress!"

(A/N: Seamstress: a woman whose occupation is sewing)

At that moment, two blue tektites scuttled into the room. They were carrying a tray with an enormous cake on their backs, and each wore a chef's hat.

"Hey! What's with the hold up?!" snapped the first.

"Yeah! You slackers ought to have that table in the dining hall by now!" chided the second.

"Ah, well you see, we have a slight problem here…" Dee began, pushing the brim of his hat back.

"And that is?"

"We can't get the door open"

"Oh, is that all? I thought one of you had been horribly mangled in a freak jelly bean related accident"

Dee cocked an eyebrow at the first tektite.

"Uh…hello? Maimed scarecrow in need of assistance here!" Ted reminded them.

"What? I was right?" asked tektite one.

"Actually, this wasn't jelly bean related"

Or was it?

'Twilight zone theme music plays'

An evil cackle could be heard as a jelly bean rolled out from under door.

Everyone but Tektite 1 stared at the jelly bean with wide eyes.

"Er…..let's just put this down for a second" suggested the second tektite.

The tektitan (I made that word up) chefs CAREFULLY hopped up to the table and slid the tray onto it. This done they hopped over to Ted and with Dee's help picked him up and carried him off to get fixed, conveniently forgetting to bring his arms–which were still grasping the door-with them. At this point I should mention that the chefs had placed the cake on the edge of the table directly above the stone pedestal with the mark of the triforce and water medallion on it, so I will. The chefs had placed the cake on the edge of the table directly above the stone pedestal with the mark of the triforce and water medallion on it. Not long after the group's departure a mystical blue light fell from the ceiling. It spiraled around the cake a few times, then disappeared. The cake suddenly seemed to bulge slightly, its middle appearing fatter than its bottom. Then it shook ever so slightly, and then (gasp) it spoke.

"What the hell?" a slightly muffled voice drifted through the layers of cake and frosting.

As you have undoubtedly guessed-if you are the intelligent reader I think you are-the cake was not actually speaking, but Link, who was in the cake, was. Needless to say he was very confused. He felt surrounded by something spongy, but all he could see was black. With difficulty, he carefully moved his arms up through the substance to his mouth, where he pushed the material away from his nose and mouth. Now that he could breath proper (lucky for him, it was a very light, airy sort of cake), he got to pondering where on earth he was. His senses (mainly of smell) determined that the stuff surrounding him smelled like cake. But how did he get inside a cake? Was it some sort of trap set by the wicked fish of the west? He was wondering what to do when he heard a voice. It had a familiar ring to it…..

"What on earth? What is this doing out here? Those lazy maggots! This was supposed to be in the dining hall by no-"

It paused.

"What the hell?"

He heard footsteps.

"Are these- arms?!"

His confusion- and eyes- grew.

"Jonny!!!"

Someone scuttled into the room.

"Yes miss?"

"Why are there disembodied arms grasping the door handle? I certainly didn't order them there for decoration."

"Why, I have absolutely no idea. I didn't put them there."

Someone sighed.

"Well, whatever. Did you get him?"

"Hmm? Oh! Yes, I gave him the note."

"Ah, and he fell into the trap?"

"I don't know."

"…What do you mean you don't know?"

The voice now possessed a fierce intensity, and Link could almost see its owner's scowl.

"Well, I uh- I didn't hang around to watch or anything."

"What do you mean?"

"Well I just gave him the note and left."

There was a pause.

"You…..you left….."

Another pause.

The one named Jonny's voice cracked slightly as they spoke again, "W-well, to be precise, I gave him the note, threw some fish at him, and then I…..l-left….."

More pausing. The tension was so thick you could cut it with the sharp edge of a rampaging monkey.

"You were supposed to lead him into the trap, you idiot!!!"

Someone, most likely Jonny, made a small 'gulp' sound.

"Now my beautiful plans will have to be put on hold until we find some other way to capture him!!"

Someone shuffled nervously.

There was another pause, and it lasted so long that Link began to wonder if they had left without him hearing them. Therefore he was quite startled when the voice shouted again, so much so that he jumped slightly…..

"Well?! What do you have to say for yourself?!"

"…Did…did that cake just move?"

"Wah-?"

He heard a noise that he interpreted as someone whipping around very quickly. Then there was another moment of silence. Link stood perfectly still, hardly daring to breath. He now knew for sure that he was in a cake, and more importantly that his movements made the cake around him move also.

"What are you talking about? It's not moving at all! You're just trying to change the subject!"

"But- but I truly honestly just saw it move!"

More silence. The owner of the voice seemed to turn around again.

"It's not moving."

It's cold tone made Link shiver involuntarily.

"It did it again!!"

"Oh, now you're just stalling!"

"I-I…but I..." Jonny sighed, "I'm sorry ma'am."

"That's more like it. Now go! I want Ganondorf as my prisoner by noon tomorrow!"

Link gasped. He'd had his suspicions when he'd listened to their prior conversation, but to hear outright that this mysterious voice was indeed after the King of Evil was still a shock. The cake muffled the small sound of the gasp itself, but unfortunately Link accidentally inhaled a small piece of cake, which stuck at the back of his windpipe. Naturally, this made him want to cough, but he held his mouth closed and tried to swallow it. No dice. It itched terribly, and his eyes began to water. His lips puckered in his effort to hold back the dreaded cough, but he needn't have bothered. Coughs always win in the end…..

Link coughed.

There was a pause.

" Now you had to have seen that."

Another pause.

"The cake …did it...?"

"Yup."

More pause.

"Go call the chefs, will you?"

"I'll get them on my way out."

Footsteps left the room. Link waited, his heart pounding. Now what?

"Strange…first a pair of arms on the door, then the table and cake left here, and now the cake is moving? Nothing like this ever happened the first time I invaded Lake Hylia." He heard a sigh, "Oh well. I'm sure the chefs will be able to explain things."

There was silence for a good five minutes. It was finally broken by a series of loud thumps and scuttling noises, followed by voices.

"You called, milady?"

"Yes. First of all, I want to know what that pair of arms is doing attached to the doorhandle."

"Hmm…they don't seem to be doing anything at all, milady, just grasping the doorhandle."

Link rolled his eyes. There was a moment of silence, and Link could imagine the owner of the voice glaring at whoever had just spoken. Finally there was a sigh.

"Nevermind. More importantly, what is all this doing out here? It was supposed to be set up in the banquet hall hours ago! How are we supposed to celebrate my victory if everything's out here? Hmm?"

"I'm sorry, milady, but Ted accidentally broke his arms off trying to open the door and we had to carry him off to the infirmary. We had to put everything out here because we couldn't get the door open."

"Did you unlock it?"

"Yes."

"Did you pull, not push?"

"Yes."

"Did you ask it nicely?"

"Ye- wait, what?"

"Well how can you expect the door to let you open it if you don't ask it nicely first?"

"Um…"

"Door, would you mind if we opened you?"

She was answered by a loud grating sound which rang from the door, startling the hell out of poor Link.

"There. Now you can open it. So get this stuff into the dining hall this instant."

"Er…yes…um…milady?"

"Hmm?"

"Did the cake just move?"

"You know, I've been meaning to ask you about that. Is it supposed to be moving? I mean, you didn't stick a squirrel in it or something, did you?"

"Of course not!"

"Hmm…strange. Well hurry up and get this stuff into the dining hall. I'll get a couple scarecrows to help you.

"Yes milady."

Footsteps left the room. There was a moment of silence, and then the newer voice spoke again.

"Are…..are you alive?"

Oh dear. It was talking to him. Link didn't answer.

"This feels so silly, but…..can you talk?"

Well…..why not?

"Yup."

He heard it stumble back in surprise. Obviously it hadn't been expecting an answer.

"Er……hi." Link said

"Uh, hi"

"How are you?"

"I'm fine."

Pause.

"No I'm not. I'm talking to a frickin' cake!"

"….."

"Uh, I didn't mean to offend you or anything."

"….." It wasn't that he really was offended, he just didn't know what to say to that.

"Well um, we have to take you into the dining hall now. We'll uh, we'll try to be careful. Right, Stan?"

"…I can't believe you're talking to a cake."

"Oh shut up and help me carry it."

Link felt a jolt as the cake was slid of the table, then a series of small bumps as the two tektites (he couldn't see them , but it was the tektitan chefs who were carrying him) carried him into the dining hall. Finally they set him down with a thump. More footsteps and voices could be heard after they put him down.

"Alright, let's get this into the dining hall."

"You know, maybe we should have moved the table before the cake."

"Well it's not like we could have moved the table without you! I mean, we don't even have arms for pete's sake!"

"Well you could use the pair that's attached to the door over there."

"Ha ha, very funny."

"Poor Ted. That must have hurt."

"Yeah. Alright, on three. One…two…thre- urk! Holy crap this thing is heavy!!"

"Did you ask it if you could carry it?"

"What?"

"Just- just try it, trust me."

"Ok…table, can we carry you into the dining hall?"

Another loud grating sound answered him, and Link couldn't help jumping even though he'd been half expecting it.

"Oh wow, it's much lighter now."

"…did that cake in there just move?"

"Probably. Come on, we have to get everything set up before she gets back."

As Link sat still and listened to the sounds of them working, s/he tried to sort things out it his head. From what s/he had overheard, s/he now knew several things. One, someone had built a building of some kind in Lake Hylia, as the voices kept mentioning door and halls and tables and such. Two, the master of this place was a bossy female type. Three, they were having some sort of celebration. Four, she had been the one to send the midget and the phony telegram with information about the Link Haters' Club. Five, she was trying to capture the King of Evil. Six, she was either suicidal or very, very stupid. He inferred this after thinking about number five.

Time passed, as it has a habit of doing, and Link's legs began to grow tired from standing. S/He shifted around uncomfortably, resulting in a chorus of "Did that cake just move?" S/He rolled his eyes and tried to stand still. After a while, s/he finally decided "screw this" and just plowed his/her way out of the cake. You can imagine the surprise of everyone present when a gerudo burst out of their cake, looking irritated and a little confused. The gerudo hopped to the floor (someone had set the cake back on the table) and stared around at them all, as if uncertain of what to do next. Everyone in the room was now staring at Link (who was the gerudo, if you'll kindly remember the incident with the transform mask). Link cleared his/her throat nervously, and an idea popped into his/her head.

"Um…I take it this isn't the bachelor party?"

A/N: CLIFFHANGER!! …sort of…

"Argh!!" cried the readers as the Author laughed maniacally.