Chapter 9: What Now?
Callie yawned and stretched her arms over her head, letting out a groan as she felt the rest ripple over her and shiver into her muscles. She slowly opened her eyes and was delighted when the first thing she saw was Arizona. She knew it was very cliché of her but as she looked over Arizona's features she couldn't help but think she had the face of an angel: she was just so beautiful and peaceful when she slept and she had to resist the urge to kiss her. She sat up a little, onto her side; slipping her arm out from under her and feeling Arizona shift and pout before she wrapped her arm protectively around her again, smiling when Arizona let out a content sigh.
Her head was propped on the palm of her hand as she looked down at her. Arizona's face was relaxed, her eyes were closed; her long, black eyelashes fluttering out, and one of her arms was under her head, acting as a pillow. Closing her eyes, Callie tried to capture the moment in her memory. She didn't want to waste this moment. She didn't want to waste any moment with Arizona. She wanted to cherish them. Suddenly, she felt Arizona shift in her sleep and watched as the sweetest smile settled on her face, her eyes still firmly closed.
"Hmm…" Arizona groaned. "I can feel you watching me," she said sleepily, her eyes slowly peeling open.
"Sorry," Callie replied, sounding a little nervous. "Did I wake you up?"
"Yeah," Arizona chuckled, grinning through her morning stretch, arching her back and letting out the faintest moan of pleasure. Just as Callie was about to open her mouth to apologize again, Arizona said, "Don't worry about it. I slept really well."
"You did?" Callie asked softly, the corners of her mouth twitching into a smile.
Arizona nodded her head in response, smiling a soft, lazy smile as Callie's fingers travelled up and down her spine, drawing patterns. The glint in her eyes could never be mistaken for a woman about to run from where she was at this very moment - wrapped tightly in Callie's arms. "I slept well too," Callie whispered, her eyes flicking to Arizona's lips and then back up to her bright blue eyes. "I've really missed you," she said softly, her eyes taking on a more serious hue.
Arizona felt her stomach flop at those words, her heart thudding in her chest. She grinned and pressed her lips against Callie's; lightly, almost chastely. "Me too," she murmured against her lips. "Me too," she repeated, capturing her lips in a more passionate kiss this time, before letting out a small sigh and reluctantly pulling away.
Hearing Callie tell her she'd missed her, seeing the soft and truthful look in her eyes, and knowing that she too, had missed Callie, left her feeling open and vulnerable. Callie watched the expression on Arizona's face change from happiness to something resembling sadness as she sat up on the small bed and turned her head away in defeat.
Awkwardness set in as neither knew what to say or do next. Arizona ran her fingers through her hair, before encasing it in a high ponytail, leaving two curls dangling in her face slightly. Callie bit her bottom lip in contemplation, knowing she had to say something to break the silence that had filled the now quiet on-call room. "Thanks for last night," she said lamely, sitting up on the bed to make sure she could meet Arizona's gaze, but Arizona didn't turn to face her.
Instead she slipped on her shoes that sat by the foot of the bed and started tying the laces. "No problem," she replied nonchalantly.
"Are you okay?" Callie asked quietly.
Arizona continued to stare straight ahead. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be fine," she replied, finally looking into Callie's eyes again. "Are you okay?" she asked, looking long and hard at her, trying to impart her meaning onto Callie with the sheer intensity of her eyes.
Callie was hesitant. For a moment, there was only silence between them, and she didn't know how to fill it. Was she okay? She exhaled deeply, ready to talk. "I'm okay," she said slowly. "I think..." she turned slightly to face Arizona and shook her head dismissively. "I'm fine," she resigned, forcing a smile and then a nod.
Arizona bit her lip and her eyes bore into Callie's, which were only inches away. "What are we doing here, Calliope?" she asked in a small, timid voice, which only seemed to amplify with the silence filling the quiet room. "You thought you were going to marry her," she continued. Callie shrugged, dropping her gaze - almost as if to ward off the pain. Arizona continued to stare, willing her to make eye contact. She wanted to know what Callie was thinking and how she was feeling. "And you didn't marry her," she prompted.
Callie looked up and sighed. "Arizona, it's complicated," she told her honestly, placing her hand gently on Arizona's forearm. "I did. I thought with time I would want to marry Erica. I thought, Arizona. Do you think that is love? Thinking you can marry someone some day? When she proposed shouldn't I have been desperate to set a date, eager to call her my wife? I wasn't. I loved Erica. I love her. I –I care about her," she stammered. "She is my best friend and I hate that I've hurt her, but I don't regret breaking off our engagement, because I'm not in love with her. There was never a choice to be made after the wedding, Arizona. I was trying to do the right thing but there is no choice when it comes to you. I could deny it until the day I die but it wouldn't make it any less true. I just- I know that beyond everything else I do, my feelings for you won't ever change. They never have."
Callie sat anxiously waiting for Arizona to reply. She looked at her desperately, like she was the only thing she needed, whilst Arizona stared at her blankly, in shock. "Arizona?" she hesitated, just for a moment, filling the silence. "What are you thinking?" Her heart plummeted to her toes and she swallowed hard at the lack of response.
Time ticked by slowly.
"I've wanted to hear that from you since the moment I saw you at the wedding," Arizona replied, finally able to form words. Callie let out a sigh of relief and a smile spread over both their faces. "And I'm thinking about how unbelievably happy I am that we are both finally on the same page: that you feel the same about me, as I do you, and that you want to give this a chance. But mostly," she paused, her tongue running over the seam of her mouth. "Mostly, I'm scared, Callie…" It was broken and whispered and she looked so vulnerable.
But wasn't that a good thing? Wasn't that a sign of love? Her fear. Her vulnerability. Her knowing, that the one person who can give her everything, is also the one who can hurt her most. It takes great courage to love. And great strength to allow yourself to be loved by someone so deeply.
"I'm scared too," Callie admitted. She took a step forward, cupping Arizona's face with her hand, her thumb softly caressing her cheek, "But I would never hurt you, Arizona." Arizona closed her eyes, nuzzling into the tanned hand.
"Look at me," Callie requested. Arizona did as she was told, sea blue eyes rising slowly to meet hers and a charming smile spreading across her face when she was met by brown eyes so full of love. "I'm not going anywhere, Arizona. I know it's soon. Too soon. I mean, I broke off my engagement less than twenty four hours ago and here I am telling you I want to give this a shot. It's awful. I'm awful. And I completely understand if you need time to process all of this. But I'm sure, Arizona. I'm sure that this is what I want. You - are what I want," she emphasized.
Her gaze fell to Arizona's lips. And she simply, without any trace of irony, said, "You are killing me, you know that?" Arizona let out a small laugh and parted her lips, sighing into the kiss as Callie captured her lips with her own: their mouths melding together in the most intimate of ways.
Slowing their kiss, Callie pulled back, leaning their foreheads together and sighing airily. "If you're worried about something, you talk to me, okay?" she said, her breath washing over Arizona's lips. "This doesn't work if you don't talk to me."
Arizona swallowed hard, nodding her head. "I know," she replied. For a moment they breathed the same air. Her eyes searching Callie's face: her lips red and swollen from their shared kiss, her brown eyes shining with nothing but love and the desire she had for her. She leaned back in and kissed her softly; her lips brushing against Callie's in a series of tender yet passionate kisses.
Nothing but warmth settled over Callie's heart, a smile tugging at her lips. "Arizona," she breathed. "Do you want to, maybe, go get some coffee with me?"
"Coffee?" Arizona repeated, pulling away. "And here I thought I was doing a good job of warming and waking you up."
"Oh, really?" Callie teased, her voice low and seductive.
Arizona grinned. "Are you telling me you don't feel this," she whispered; her breathing heavy. She softly let her forehead brush across Callie's: her nose rubbing against hers, and her breath playing across her lips. "There's definitely something between us, Calliope."
Callie nodded, swallowing hard; her eyes trailing up Arizona's chest and neck, finally meeting her blue eyes. God, she could feel it. Of course she could. Her whole body was alive; her senses ablaze, and all Arizona was doing was pressing her forehead against hers and sharing the air she was breathing.
"You make my heart beat faster," Callie rasped out. "You don't even need to touch me, Arizona. Just being with you excites me." It was as if there was some magnetic energy dancing between them, drawing them closer and clouding their thoughts; both so utterly consumed by the other. "So, I think its best we get out of here before I can't control myself any longer."
Shaking her head and smiling, Arizona let out a small laugh. Trailing her fingers slowly along Callie's shoulders and down her arms, she let them rest just at her elbows, before kissing her lips again. She kept the kiss deep and meaningful: her tongue's strokes were deliberate and carried a purpose as they slowly met Callie's mouth. Before the kiss could heat up, she pulled back, "Let's go get that coffee," she breathed. Callie nodded her head in response, clearing her throat and holding out a hand to Arizona, pulling her towards the on-call room door.
As she reached for the handle, Arizona spoke. "Callie, can I ask you a question?" She waited, but when Callie did nothing to protest she asked, "Did you have something in mind when you asked me to get coffee with you?
"Mostly…" Callie's voice lowered and Arizona found herself listening more intently. She continued, her voice a hesitant whisper, "Mostly, I just wanted to know ... I want to get to know you ... the adult you."
"Yeah?" Arizona asked, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.
"Yeah," Callie repeated. "I mean, we'll see how the coffee goes, but I think you might be a keeper." She winked, playfully nudging Arizona with her elbow, making the blonde let out a low throaty laugh, before they both left the on-call room and headed for the coffee shop.
"Dammit!" Erica said through gritted teeth, her eyes pleading as her hand wrapped around the patient's small heart, willing it to come to life. The heart monitor twitched and broke its long held screech. "Clear!" Arizona yelled. Erica drew her hands back and Arizona moved in with the defibrillator, the patient's heart jumped with the shock, as did the green line on the screen. Both doctors held their breath in hope but the jagged flutters on the monitor soon went back to a straight line.
Erica resumed the chest compressions. "Please," she muttered, her heart beating frantically, each breath more and more ragged with every compression. "Clear!" She moved again as Arizona gave Charlotte another shock. Again the pulse caused erratic lines to show on the monitor, only for it to fall flat. Arizona let out a sigh of defeat and looked at the clock. "I think we should call it," she suggested.
Erica looked at her, outraged, continuing compressions. "Again," she said firmly hearing signs of a heart beat on the monitor followed by a never ending beep signaling death. "C'mon, Charlotte, don't give up on me," she continued staring at her hands which were now overlapped and pushing down on the area the patient's beating heart should be, willing it to come to life but the heart monitor hummed on, unimpressed by her determination.
"Dr. Hahn-" Arizona said softly, looking at the blonde who was fighting a losing battle.
"Why are you just standing there doing nothing? Help me!" Her eyes wildly searched the room for any sign of movement but everyone remained frozen on the spot.
Arizona placed the paddles down. "Time of death: 04:32 pm."
Erica gasped, her hands were shaking now and her eyes were completely focused on the lifeless body on the table in front of her.
"Everyone out!" Arizona demanded. The rest of the OR staff gradually made their way to the door. "Dr. Hahn," she repeated, placing her hands over Erica's, stopping all motion, "She's gone." Erica went to open her mouth but no words came out. She turned her head ever so slightly so they made eye contact. Arizona repeated the words, emphasizing each one, "She… is… gone. There's nothing more we can do."
"Dammit!" Erica whispered - her voice breaking. She felt fragile and weak letting her emotions take hold of her, so she had to take control of the situation. "Thanks, Dr. Robbins," she said in a very professional manner. "You can leave now. I'll talk to the parents." Arizona nodded her head and did as she was told, leaving the heart surgeon alone.
Erica shook her head, making sure Arizona was gone before she allowed herself to truly feel the loss. Charlotte had been her patient from birth and another loss was not something she could handle today. Not after losing Callie last night. It felt like her whole world was crashing down around her and she had no say in the matter; just one thing after another - a chain of bad luck.
Pulling herself together, she made her way to the scrub room, ready to give the devastating news to Mr. and Mrs. Cannon. This was a part of the job that never got any easier. Even with time. It was always hard, always heart-breaking, but Erica had tried her best. Charlotte just wouldn't stop bleeding. The little girl's body had simply given up. There was no fight left in her.
"Wait! Please, hold the doors!" Callie called out as she approached the elevator, skidding to a stop and nearly falling in the process. An arm came out to keep the large metal doors from closing and a grateful smile crossed her face as she stepped inside, out of breath and shaking her hair out of her face. That's when she noticed the stranger. It was Erica. They both froze, staring at each other with a hint of uncertainty in their eyes. Perfect… Erica thought to herself - sure this day couldn't get any worse, before she came face to face with Callie.
Callie cleared her throat in an attempt to make things a little less awkward, but it failed miserably. She hadn't seen or spoken to Erica since she had walked out of their apartment last night. "Thanks," she hesitated, breaking the silence. Erica gave her a small smile of acknowledgement as the doors closed, trapping them in the small, confined space.
They both stood close to each other, staring at the heavy metal doors in front of them. Things were silent, uncomfortable – just plain awkward and Callie was sure the small elevator was about to burst. It was definitely not built to sustain all of this tension.
Erica just about lost control of her emotions; she half-sobbed but it caught in her throat and her face remained dry. "Erica?" she heard Callie say, concern apparent in her voice. Erica refused to look at her, instead keeping her eyes fixed on the ground. "Erica," she repeated, reaching out slowly, to set her hand on the blonde's shoulder, automatically wanting to comfort her, but Erica flinched. "Don't," she warned, glaring daggers at Callie. Callie nodded her head and took a step back, remembering it was not her place to comfort her anymore.
"I'm holding it together by a thread right now, Callie. Charlotte died today…" she revealed, letting the words hang in the air.
"Oh, no," Callie sighed, shaking her head sadly, knowing Erica had a soft spot for the little girl. "I'm so sorry-"
Erica cut her off. "And you left me," she continued. "So there's a part of me that wants to be as far away from you as possible while there's another part of me that wants to let you comfort me, but if you do I'll become some weeping, sobbing mess and I don't want that. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to act or what to think or feel. I love you, but at the same time I hate you. I hate that you made me fall in love with you. I hate that you cheated on me. I hate that I still want you. I hate how pathetic I feel even saying that out loud, so, don't…" Erica couldn't stop the words tumbling out of her mouth, her voice catching occasionally but holding firm for the most part. Taking a deep breath, she willed her eyes dry. She had built up walls of protection before. She knew that this too would pass. These feelings… she just needed time.
Fortunately at that moment the elevator doors opened and she strode out, head held high, ready to get on with her day. After all, Erica was the consummate professional at work, no matter her personal circumstances.
Now alone, Callie leaned her head back against the elevator wall and let out an exasperated sigh, feeling awful. It felt like only seconds had passed before she heard the ding of the elevator again and stepped off, heading into the busy ER.
"Dr. Torres, over here," Teddy called. She ran over to the gurney being wheeled in and her heart immediately began to pound. On the table lay a motionless young boy, unconscious, covered in cuts and bruises with serious leg injuries.
"Nathan MacAllister: age eight," Teddy said as she continued to listen to his heart with her stethoscope. "Multiple fractures in his arm, legs, and ribs, possible head and neck trauma, in need of a C.T. and X-rays. BP is stable and heart rate is strong, for now."
"Is he going to be okay?" a worried woman asked. She was also covered in cuts and bruises, although they looked very minor compared to the young boy.
"Miss, you really should get your injuries looked at," Teddy replied politely. "We've got this," she assured the worried woman.
Arizona was deep in thought. Her day had started off well; she had woken up in Callie's arms and they had established that they both wanted to give their relationship a shot. They weren't rushing into things though; they wanted to take the time to get to know one another again. After all, there was no rush. Callie had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and Arizona had shared her worry about Callie rebounding or making a mistake by jumping into things too soon. Callie had of course assured her that she had thought this through and that this was what she wanted, what she had always wanted, and that she would never regret breaking off her engagement. She was only sorry for the hurt she had caused Erica.
Erica. Arizona felt bad for her - really, she did. Between the loss of their patient and Callie leaving her, she could only imagine what she must be feeling right now. Erica wasn't someone they could avoid. She was a permanent fixture at the hospital, which meant it was only matter of time before news of her break-up with Callie spread. The gossip mill at the hospital thrived off the drama between its members of staff, stories often escalating through word of mouth, until the lies overshadowed the reality of the situation and made it worse.
This situation made for one hell of a story.
The last thing Arizona wanted was to be labeled a home-wrecker; however, she realized it was inevitable given the circumstances. As things progressed with Callie there was no doubt people would put two and two together, and Erica, she would know…
God, this situation was messed up. She just had to stop thinking about it. That was it. She had to stop over-analyzing everything and just go with it.
Colleen rounded the corner to the nurses' station, coming to an abrupt stop when she caught sight of the woman who had been occupying her thoughts for the past few days – Arizona Robbins. She was leaning on the counter, thinking long and hard over the chart that sat on the hard plastic surface in front of her. Her brows and forehead furrowed in concentration, whilst her fingers played with the ball-point pen she held in her hand. Colleen smiled to herself, and then bit her bottom lip, deciding to admire the blonde from a distance for just a moment longer, before approaching her.
She couldn't deny that she was deeply attracted to Arizona after spending some time with her. She was beautiful. Colleen had noticed that the minute she saw her. And she was smart, which some might say is a given, considering she is a surgeon - a well-respected one at that; but as Colleen had gotten to know Arizona a little better she couldn't help but notice how funny she was, so witty, and kind; she was friendly to nearly everybody that she came across, and tried to see the good in people. She had a smile that could light up a room and Colleen couldn't take her eyes off her.
Finally knocked from her reverie, she approached the nurses' station. "Good afternoon, Dr. Robbins," she greeted, smiling widely.
Arizona was so engrossed in her thoughts that she jumped a little. "Oh, hey," she said, startled at first but then shrugging it off. "How was your night; sorry, I couldn't make it, I was, uh, busy... you know how it gets around here," she trailed off.
"Yeah, it was good. It definitely would have been better if you were there; better company," Colleen replied, laughing flirtatiously as she glanced at Arizona who smiled back at her. "Anyway, I was wondering if..." she hesitated for a moment, before trying again. "I was wondering if you wanted to go out for dinner tonight, with me," she added rather awkwardly. "You know, a date," she finished, feeling her cheeks burn from embarrassment. She was positive she had never sounded so lame asking another woman out. "You don't have to," she added quickly. "I mean, I understand if..."
"Robbins," someone interrupted, both women turned to see Mark Sloan poking at Arizona's white lab coat. "Instead of dinner why don't you two come out for a drink tonight? A group of us are going to Joes after work - around eight?"
Arizona looked at Mark with an arched eyebrow, surprise written across her face. "I don't think-" she began to respond, before shaking her head realizing it was too late. Colleen had already jumped at the invitation.
"Sure," she replied, smiling as she looked between Mark and Arizona. "That sounds fun." Arizona nodded her head once, plastering on a fake smile. "I'll head over when my shift ends. I'll see you later Arizona," she beamed as she walked away from the pair.
"Why did you do that?" Arizona fumed. "Do you have any idea what you have just done? Callie will think-"
Mark rolled his eyes at the mention of her name. "Why do you even care what she thinks?" he asked, his brow creased. "You two aren't together, she doesn't want to get busy with you, that's her problem. You can screw whoever you want. Colleen is hot. And she is hot for you Arizona. Take advantage of the situation." He winked and started walking away purposefully.
"Mark!" Arizona snapped, following him. "This isn't funny."
"Live a little," he taunted, walking briskly into the elevator before Arizona could catch up. The doors closed before Arizona could press the button, and she sighed heavily.
It didn't take long for her anger to bubble up to the surface. She was pissed. She would definitely be having words with Mark later. He had no right interfering in her business at all. She was about to set Colleen straight there and then before he approached; only making matters worse.
Knowing there was nothing she could do now; she returned to the nurse's station and put on her most charming smile, before burying her face in paperwork again.
Drinks weren't the end of the world, right? It wasn't like it was just the two of them alone. Mark said there would be a group of them. She would just ask Teddy to go with her and be sure to set Colleen straight; let her know that nothing was ever going to happen between them. It was that simple.
