Jugg walks a few strides in front of me making sure to not crowd me or make the situation worse with ridiculous chit-chat. I feel like a complete fool. I really did love Leonard. He was so sweet and so different from all the other guys in my past. I reveled in that sweetness for so long that I became blind to his over-infatuation he had for me. I just wanted to be with him in the smaller moments, but he… he had already picked out china patterns and seating arrangements the first time we got in between the sheets. I didn't want a commitment… I wanted short bursts of devotion… I wanted to take our time and let the romance build… but I didn't account for the needy, must-have-now nature of Leonard. I stopped walking mid stride and just stared down at the pavement of the sidewalk. I really WAS the bad guy… I strung him along; hoping he'd get on the same page I was on… but he just kept striving… hoping I'D hurry up to the page HE was on. DAMN IT! I was NOT the only one to blame… He and I were never meant to be… never meant… to be… happy.
"You gonna tell me what happened?"
Jugg stood in front of me with his bags in his hands and jolted me out of my head. I sighed and reached up to my shoulders and slipped into the jacket he had given me, "He apologized… I was a bitch to him… He demanded I explain why I slept with his roommate… I told him all the things I had wanted out of him… Wished him happiness… and LEFT. Good Lord… I didn't even get to eat…" I put on an overdramatic frowny face as we started to walk again.
He walked beside me for a few steps before he said, "At least he didn't try to sleep with you."
I looked over at his smug face and chuckled before I playfully pushing him and say with a high pitched voice, "Shut Up!" We walk a few steps before I feel a grave pull at my throat, "If I would've been the old Penny… I would've probably jumped his bones…"
He looked over at me as we walked. He shifted all his bags into one hand and stopped in front of me. It caused me to slam on my metaphoric brakes. He pokes me in my chest, "Don't Fucking Do THAT! I told you… YOU ARE NOT THAT GIRL! DO NOT LET THIS GUY GET IN YOUR HEAD! He apologized… You left… that part of your life… it's DONE! You are stronger than that. You are a better person… you took all your bad habits and you flushed them out of your life… YOU are the winner… HE… he is the loser for letting you out of his life."
I can see him slightly breathing heavily as he reaches down and takes a bag out of his other hand. I can't read the emotion on his face… I don't know what it was… he looked angry, but… relieved… he spins around and mumbles, 'C'mon' as he walks down the sidewalk with a furious pace. I smile… I smile and I don't know why. This man had gone from someone who resented me to a guy that was always right there for me. I move forward and feel a warmth in my chest. I feel happy… I jogged a little to catch up to him and walked side-by-side. I couldn't stop the smile. I slid my hands down his arm to his hand and attempted to take the bag out of his hand. I let my fingers graze against the calloused hand before he gave in. I slung the bag in front of me and laughed as I bumped him with my shoulder, "Thanks Jugg… for… for being my number one fan." He sighs and bumps me back, gently, "Anytime, Slugger."
We made it to the street the hotel was on and their seemed to be a lot of foot traffic. We had 5 more blocks to go so we made sure to stick to a decent pace. We walked past a Café with outdoor accommodations when a squeal rang out causing us to jump and look over. Two women came rushing to the make-shift fence around the outdoor area and lean over it staring at me in wonder. I feel unbelievably nervous and confused until one of the girls speaks, "O.M.G. You are Penelope Contandino! I am a HUGE FAN! OoooOOO… Could I PLEASE take a picture with you?"
I give a huge smile and nod, "Of course!" I lean into the fence as each of the girls get on either side of me and one holds up her phone in front of us. We all smile and a flash blinds all of us. The girl with her phone shakes the phone in her hand and does a little jump in place. I laugh a little and give both the girls a hug and tell them to 'Take It Easy'. I wave back to them and move beside Jugg and start to walk.
Jugg makes an 'Ugh' sound before laughing and saying, "They'll be no living with you after this."
I laugh hysterically and lean my shoulder into him and put my head on his shoulder for a brief second before giving him his space back. As we walked, I mused myself with the notion that… I strived to become an actress JUST SO I could have that kind of feeling… the feeling that everyone knew who I was… the fame and fortune. Little did I know that I got both of those… except the fortunes were the people in my life! As we got closer to the hotel, I got asked for my autograph and a few more pictures. Jugg just rolled his eyes and said, "Obviously, we're in your home town."
We finally made it to the hotel and we got into the elevator. He didn't push his 3 button for his floor… just my 4. I didn't bother asking him, but… something else popped into my head, "Jugg… how… how did your wife die?"
I regretted it immediately after it left my mouth. Through the reflection of the shiny door, I could see his face darken and the lines on his face etch deeply. I feel a tight knot in my stomach, "I'm… I'm sorry… just forget I asked…"
He let out a growling sigh and pushed himself against the back of the elevator. I thought, for sure, he was going to tell me to 'Fuck Off', but… he just looked at the slowly climbing numbers on top of the elevator's door and let out a few words that made every muscle in my body tighten in anguish, "She died in childbirth." I feel the air rush out of me just as he added, "… the baby didn't make it either. A beautiful, baby girl… 7 pounds, 5 ounces… lungs didn't develop properly and she died within a few weeks."
I opened my mouth wide to try and catch some deep breaths as tears flowed down my face. I finally found enough air to form words, "Jugg… my GOD… I… I didn't know… Oh my God… I'm so sorry…"
He looked as if he had no more tears to cry… he looked as if that memory had taken everything from him… he just stared at the numbers and just shook his head, "I loved my wife… There was not a THING on this Earth that I loved more… I would smile driving home… knowing I would get to see her smile… smell her hair… touch her skin… It was the only thing I lived for. Until the day she died on that table and left a piece of her… I lost my love… my HEART… but she left behind a little baby girl… a baby girl I couldn't touch because she was in a plastic bubble. The only thing left of my wife and it was unreachable! AND THEN… as if the cruelty of that weren't enough… I got to watch that little piece… that little piece of me and my wife die SLOWLY… I… I lost EVERYTHING that day. EVERY FUCKING THING! I dove into a bottle and prayed to that heartless bastard above that I'd drown… but, INSTEAD… he sends me an angel… Coach… He gave me a purpose and became a man that saw what I COULD become rather than what I SHOULD have been. I took out all my anger… frustrations… sadness… with my fists and legs and made a name for myself. I was… happy… I had found normalcy in my life again… Then, one day, there you were… there SHE was… my Amara!" He swallows and rearranges the bags in his hands and says the next part dangerously low, "I see her… I see her in YOU… and it nearly kills me." The elevator chimes and the doors fly open. I can't stop staring at him… I can't stop the tears from falling down my cheeks. He bucks off the wall and catches the door as it tries to close and he looks a little bit over his shoulder and I exit the elevator.
I don't look back at him… my heart is way too unstable to actually see his face. I don't want him to hate me… I make it to my door and rip through my clutch and find the key card. His body was behind me and I wiped at the tears and stopped my anxious movements. I zipped back my little clutch and turned to him. He looked… full of regret… disappointed… apologetic… he took in a deep breath, "I'm sorry… I… I didn't mean for it to sound like I hate you or… resent you for looking like my wife… I just… I feel like she's still here when I look at you… I look at you and… and it's as if she never left… Penny… I…"
I don't know what came over me… I cut him off at the sound of my name and flung my arms around his neck and kissed him. It was passionate… deep… warm… all the things I remembered when two people connected… but something was off… I wasn't on air like I normally would be… it just wasn't right. As I pulled away and pushed off of his shoulders… he looked at me; confused. I was about to explain that it was a mistake… that I wasn't his wife… that I was in love with another… then… I saw him… I saw Sheldon standing right behind Jugg and my heart exploded.
"Sheldon…" it came out as a whisper first… barely even audible… then when Sheldon turned and bolted down the hall… it came out as a scream, "SHELDON!"
I push past Jugg and sprint down the hall. One of my heels break and I tumble down roll onto the thick carpet. I rip the damn shoes off and ignore the blood and pain on my knees and get back up. I take off running and round the corner just in time to see the doors close. I feel my chest compress and my eyes water, "DAMN!" I run and press the button several times, but the doors didn't open… "SHIT!" I punched the wall above the button and dart towards the Stair's door. I kick open the door and ignore Jugg's cry of my name and nearly leap down the flights of stairs I was flowing down them so fast… DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT! I screwed up! I screwed UP… I burst through the lobby door and scare a lot of people by the force and noise of the door slamming into the wall. I didn't care… I rushed to the elevators and beat it down with no effort and just stood, my chest heaving fast, my eyes burning with tears, and my head screaming how much of an IDIOT I am… and as the doors open… my heart sinks.
An insane amount of people flood out of the small elevator. I stand on my tippy toes trying to gauge all of them… trying to make sure I don't miss him… and when the last person exits my eyes dart all over the place… Did I miss him? No… NO! I step towards the flood of people and stop on a dime as my peripheral vision catches one more person in the back corner of the elevator. I turn without hesitation and stare right at him… He, right back at me… I rush into the elevator just as the doors were closing and move to the other side of the elevator, "Sheldon… please… I can explain…"
He holds up his hand and stares straight forward, "No need… I had my chance… three years ago… I had you and I lost you. I'm sorry I didn't call you… I'm sorry that I made you believe that I had emotional ties to you then left you in the wind wondering if what my words were just a fluke. You are a woman of answers and I only gave you questions. I'm… I'm sorry Penny. I came too late this time… you are already swept into someone else's arms. I hope he makes you as happy as you deserve…"
He moved to push the open button of the elevator and I move between him and the panel of buttons, "I can't let you leave here without knowing… knowing how much you mean to me, Sheldon…" He looks at me and backs up a little and I feel a burn on my face, "I… I…" It wouldn't come out… the 'I Love You' wouldn't come out… I just uttered 'I' over and over like some stupid record. He stepped forward and shook his head, "I can see that you still have an issue with your… emotions… nearly everyone is afraid to say something with such potential power as long as there is a possibility that it's a lie. Telling someone how you truly feel and making them believe that you feel that way could ruin everything… especially if it is a lie. People, by nature, want an equal give-and-take when it comes to emotions, and usually don't want to be in a situation where they share something intimate with someone, yet that person doesn't feel the same in return. You are duly hesitant with your true feelings because there are other potential repercussions that they may not have been foreseen… it seems that you and I were both liars… we lied to ourselves… I expressed that I couldn't stop thinking about you… and you expressed that I made you feel like you never felt before… we… we lied, didn't we…" He keeps his eyes on mine and they looked to be in so much pain as he slips his hand in between my arm and my body and presses the open button, "… I can make this situation less… awkward… for the both of us… I bid you my apologies for your loss, Penny… Goodbye."
He moved out of the elevator and left me standing in it… shocked. NO… HE'S NOT RUNNING THIS TIME! I barged out of the elevator and saw he was half way out into the lobby. I ran and jumped on top of a coffee table and yelled, "DOCTOR SHELDON LEE COOPER… I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU! If you still walk out of this hotel… you will still have my heart… you will still be the only man I will ever love… you will still be MINE! Know THAT is not a lie!"
I could see him… the only person in that hotel that WASN'T staring at me… he didn't turn around… he moved towards the doors and sped out into the night… I stared after him with my jaw unhinged and my heart still shattering in my chest… everything was blurry… glassy from the tears and I jumped off the table, heavily… staring at the doors… and I fell to my knees and cried.
The funeral was numbing AND painful. If not for my brother's arm around me… I probably would've run away. The glasses on my face only hid the tears… but not the devastating sorrow. Uncle Ken said words that set my heart on fire, "My brother was a man of love… he believed that there was nothing more beautiful than love, but there was also nothing more merciless. Though it could bring you all the happiness in the world… it could rip you in half in the process. My brother said that… a man who has felt the heartache… the struggle… the utter throbbing pain AND still wishes to be with that person through it all… he will be a better man for it. Because love is not a gift… love is a quest… you must fight through rigorous battles before you can hold up the trophy of victory."
I didn't see Sheldon, though Mary and Missy were still there… I didn't see Leonard… Jugg was sitting beside Coach, though... Amy and Raj held each other as Howard and Bernadette tried to keep their baby quiet. He cooed through the whole ceremony which made my father's funeral less depressing.
My father's casket was lowered into the ground and people started to scatter to their cars… I stood at the edge of the hole and spoke to my father inside my head as I stared at the shiny maroon top of the casket, "I'm sorry dad… I'm sorry I didn't visit you more… I'm sorry that I just ran away without so much as a letter… I love you dad… I know you knew, but… you deserved to hear it more. I screwed up, daddy… I screwed up big time…"
Mom moved to the edge of the hole beside me and tossed a handful of dirt upon the casket. We both stand in silence… which was very weird for me… my mother has never been one for 'Silence'. I hear her take a deep breath through her nose and I brace myself for her words, "Everyday I was with him… I couldn't help but wonder what it was that he saw in me." I looked over at my mother with wide eyes as she just stared down at the hole and spoke as if she were a different woman, "Everyone treated me like I was their best friend then turn around and call me all kind of names… but your father… he never beat around the bush… he knew how heartless I could be… how cold and unsympathetic I was… but he would hold me… make me feel like I wanted to change just so I could make him as happy as I was. I… I loved him more than anything in this world… even more than my own kids… how horrible is that?"
I catch my mother off guard and hug her profile. She is tense, but she melts slowly and turns and hugs me tight as I speak, "It isn't horrible, Mom…" I understood her, now… she was so in love with dad that it hurt. She didn't want to lose him… especially to the likes of us… now, he's gone… he's gone and mom is terrified. I hug her for a long time before I say, "Mom… I love you." Her breath hitches and she hugs my head. I can hear her sob and it makes my tears roll harder. She doesn't say she loves me back… but knowing that my words soothed her heart made it worth saying. When we finally part, I smile at her… something I haven't done since I was a little girl… and she smiled back… reached over and pushed the hair out of my face before saying, "You have his eyes… but you have my beauty… I'm… I'm proud of you Penny. Not PLEASED with how you went about becoming some butch fighter… but I am proud of you. You have my 'Screw What You All Think' attitude… and your father's unmistakable determination. It was only natural that you would be a champion. I… I love you, Penelope." She leans over and kisses my bare forehead before giving me a small smile and moving towards the cars.
I look down at the hole and smile with tears in my eyes. I wasn't grateful that my father was dead, but it was him leaving that finally showed me who my mother really was. She was the fighter to my father's lover. They were two different forces that pushed and pulled one another and that was what love was. That thought only hurt my heart more as I thought about Sheldon.
I said goodbye to my family and gave them the number and the address to the gym. I promised Mom I'd call her every week just to check up on her. Ken, Doug, and Don Alan were going to "Joint Write" me a letter ever so often… I would definitely write them back, I had promised. The Pasadena gang got my word that I'd do better to keep in touch and I warned them of Leonard and myself's not so happy split… I didn't tell them, however, about my confrontation with Sheldon… actually… no one but Jugg and the people in that lobby knew… Howard and Bernadette gave me their address and Amy just said she'd stick with talking to Coach every week.
I said, "Well, instead of asking for Coach… just ask for me."
Amy smiled and gave me a hug, "That can be arranged, Bestie."
With a heavy heart; I leave Nebraska, again. I mended fences with my mother. I kissed my fighting partner. Proclaimed my love and was utterly rejected. And parted ways with my ex-boyfriend. My life was in more shambles than when I had ran away from Pasadena. As I sat on the plane and watched some old, cheesy movie, I couldn't help but wonder where the hell do I go from here?
