Chapter 9.
Thank you for the fantastic reviews, I really appreciate the effort it takes to bother! Many thanks to the wonderful Kodiak for her beta skills. I hope you don't all think this is a little over the top - but, I really couldn't just help myself...
Sheppard slowly prised open his heavy eyelids. Everything was blurred, and yet again he woke to overwhelming pain, enveloping and suffocating him.
John could make out a figure in the periphery of his blurry vision, a giant, imposing shape, and instantly fear hit him. God, he was still on the planet, and Cyclops was torturing him again.
"I won't tell you anything…so just…get it over and done with," he moaned breathlessly.
The blurred hulk now standing over Sheppard snorted.
"Didn't ask you to tell me anything. You dreaming again, Sheppard?" John instantly recognised the Ronon's gruff voice.
"Ronon? Have you come to rescue me?" Sheppard asked in surprise, moaning as another wave of pain crashed through him.
"Doc? You'd better get over here. Sheppard's not doing so good," the Satedan called out.
Sheppard blinked as he saw Carson's face looming over him.
"Doc?" Sheppard asked in confusion. "You making house calls?"
Beckett tutted and Sheppard was aware of a tug on his arm.
"No, Colonel. I've just given you a little something to ease your pain. You're in the infirmary on Atlantis. You and Rodney are safe and are going to be fine. Do you understand?"
John frowned in concentration.
"I'm in the infirmary? You sure?" he asked drunkenly, wheezing as he talked, and grimacing as each breath he took burned.
Beckett exhaled. "Yes, I'm quite sure. You've been here for a couple of days. Don't you remember?"
Sheppard closed his eyes, opening them after a few seconds. "No. Thought I was in the cell and that Cyclops was…" He stopped as a sharp pain took his breath away and he distantly became aware of alarms ringing out. The last thing Sheppard was aware of was a crushing pain in his chest, and a slick, coppery taste in his mouth – he vaguely recognised it as blood. He saw Beckett's concerned face looming over him, shouting, as everything faded to black.
-oOo-
McKay stared as Ronon sat watching over Sheppard. He knew the colonel was off the vent, and also knew he should be sitting with him too. Rodney knew deep down he was putting off the inevitable, and that he owed it to Sheppard to be honest enough to explain to him why he would be leaving with the Daedalus in a few days. McKay was at a loss as how to actually say the words to his friend. As he sat up in bed, his brain trying to find an easy and painless way to explain to everything, Heightmeyer arrived.
"Rodney?" the psychologist began, "Am I disturbing you?"
McKay looked up at the blonde-haired woman.
"Actually – yes. I suppose it's best to get this over and done with, isn't it?" he asked in a resigned voice.
Kate frowned. "I would have hoped, after all the sessions we've had together over the last year or so, that you'd have been comfortable talking to me," she began a little self-defensively.
"It's nothing personal, Kate. You've been very – helpful, in the past," Rodney explained, feeling a little guilty for making Kate feel unsure of herself. "But, I know you're here to talk about what happened to…" McKay faltered as his emotions overwhelmed him. Composing himself, he continued. "What happened to Colonel Sheppard and me on the planet." The words flew out of his mouth, not giving McKay time to think about what he'd said. "I can't talk about it. Not to you, not to anyone. I really want to put it behind me and forget it," he stated firmly.
Heightmeyer nodded her head. "I understand how you feel. I'll leave you alone if that's what you really want, but just answer this: after the past sessions we've had, does your experience tell you it's wise to bury your feelings and to not face what you've suffered?" she asked.
McKay blinked rapidly, trying to ease his burning eyes.
"Is it wise?" McKay snorted. "Probably not," he conceded, "but, I don't want to talk about it – really. I need to go back to Earth, and get away from this hellhole. I used to love it here. Well, except for the nearly dying all the time, and the Wraith, Genii and God knows how many other hostile aliens we seem to piss off on such a regular basis." Rodney looked over towards Sheppard's bed, and smiled at Ronon keeping his vigil.
"The colonel's going to be okay, and he's got a lot of people here who care about him, so it's not as if he'll miss me or anything. I mean, I won't exactly be abandoning a friend in his hour of need, will I?" he asked in a sarcastic voice.
Heightmeyer's expression was neutral, Rodney noticed. "Is that why you're leaving, to get away from Colonel Sheppard?" the psychologist gently put to McKay.
"No, of course not! Why would you think that? I meant that I don't want to be here anymore, and that the colonel doesn't need me. I've simply had enough of the Pegasus Galaxy," Rodney replied in an irate voice.
Kate nodded again. "So you say. You and the colonel are good friends, aren't you?"
McKay looked at Heightmeyer suspiciously. "We're friends, I'm not sure I'd say 'good' friends though," he answered tentatively.
"Really? You've been through an awful lot together recently. You both appear to rely on each other frequently."
McKay frowned. "I suppose so. Look, we're friends and we work well together, but me leaving has got nothing to do with him having a death wish or anything. Just because he has this wonderful self-sacrificing streak, doesn't mean I can't stand being around him. Though, if I'm honest, it's starting to wear a little thin now," he laughed a little too loudly. "So, if you're implying that I'm being cowardly and running back to Earth so I won't have to watch my best buddy get hurt again - well, you're wrong." McKay's words tumbled out at breakneck speed.
Kate put down her palm pilot, and locked eyes with the physicist.
"Nobody would ever call you cowardly, Rodney. Least of all me, and especially not Colonel Sheppard."
McKay flinched at Kate's words.
"Of course Sheppard thinks I'm a coward!" he retorted. "You didn't see me in the cell. I went to pieces, and he was Mr Stoicism itself. So brave, so unyielding. Me…" Rodney paused, swallowing as his throat closed up. "I…I screwed up – again. If he can't depend on me, there's no point in me being here, is there? Have you any idea what they did to him?" Rodney demanded. "Have you read Carson's little dossier on Sheppard's injuries?"
Kate shook her head. "Not yet," she admitted.
McKay snorted. "Didn't think so. Well, where do we begin? Oh yes, they beat the shit out of him, bruising his kidney, breaking some ribs, they hit him so hard they caused internal bleeding. They burned him, cut him with a knife, re-arranged his fingers, and to round it all off – they shot him, assisted very ably by yours truly!" Rodney paused to catch his breath. Sweat trickled from his forehead, and he took in shuddering breaths, as his arm protectively hugged his own damaged ribs. "I never want to have to go through that again!" he swore, before collapsing back into his pillows, and bringing his other arm up to cover his eyes.
"What you're feeling is perfectly normal, Rodney. You witnessed something horrendous and inhumane, as well as suffering physically yourself. You can't just walk away from that sort of thing. It takes time and patience to come to terms with the sort of violence and indignity you've both endured," Kate soothed and assured the scientist.
McKay moaned in frustration. "You don't get it, do you?" he asked in a high-pitched, overwrought voice. "They broke me. They won. They hurt Sheppard to get me to talk and I was about to give in – until he stopped me, by yet again being so selfless and brave. He made me feel useless and pathetic, and I hate how he made me feel."
Heightmeyer picked up her palm pilot and started to jot something down. McKay moved his arm from his eyes, and looked up at Kate.
"Is that why you're leaving? Because Colonel Sheppard made you feel inadequate?" Kate questioned.
McKay looked at the pyschologist like a frightened child.
"Yes – I mean, no! I don't know any more!" he cried out in confusion. "He made me feel so pathetic. The worst thing is, he didn't judge me. He didn't even blame me. All the time he told me to do what I had to, to get through it all. He supported me, helped me, when it should have been the other way round," Rodney tried to explain. "He was hurting so bad, and he just wanted to protect me and Atlantis. His own welfare was irrelevant to him – and that just makes me feel worse. Sheppard's my friend, and I care about him…but, but, now I hate him too, because every time I look at him - I remember."
McKay paused, and took in a shuddering breath. "I remember hearing him cry out in pain, seeing him suffer, but worst of all I remember how cowardly I was. I hate him for making me feel that way, and I hate myself for feeling that way about him. How do you think that makes me feel? I must be the most selfish bastard in the galaxy…probably in the universe. I have to leave here, if I don't then I think I'll probably go insane," McKay ground out wearily
Heightmeyer put her hand gently on McKay's forearm.
"Rodney? Listen to me," she began calmly. "What happened to both of you is beyond comprehension. I can't imagine what you're feeling, but I want to help. Will you let me?" she entreated the physicist.
McKay smiled grimly, as he fought for control of his breathing. "I'm not sure you can. My head is screaming at me to get away from here, maybe from the colonel too. I really need to leave Atlantis – it's just too painful to stay, and I really don't think anything is going to change my mind," he answered firmly.
"What about Colonel Sheppard?" Kate asked. "Did it ever occur to you that he might need your help to get over this, and that by running away you'll actually be hurting him more?"
Rodney's face darkened in anger. "Is that your trump card? Try to guilt me into staying?" he demanded venomously.
Heightmeyer smiled sadly. "No. I was actually thinking about the colonel. He's going to need a lot of help too. I thought you'd want to help him, seeing as how, as you've already said, he's suffered so much," the psychologist explained. "I hoped both of you could talk to each other. Research has shown that victims of atrocities, such as you've both suffered, benefit from joint counselling."
"Joint counselling? Are you serious? Just go. I need to think about everything," Rodney's voice offered no compromise.
Kate nodded. "Okay. We've made a lot of progress already, you know. Just think about what I've said," she asked in earnest.
Rodney didn't answer as Heightmeyer left, and felt his gaze drawn over towards Sheppard's bedside. He noticed Carson had now joined Ronon at the colonel's side. Smiling absent-mindedly, Rodney settled into his pillows, until he jolted in panic as he heard the alarms around Sheppard's bed sounding. Carefully getting out of bed, McKay started to walk cautiously over to the area of commotion, just to have Ronon backing into him.
"What's going on?" he asked the Satedan.
Ronon shook his head. "Don't know. Sheppard's not looking so good. Doc just ordered me out," he shrugged casually, though Rodney could see the concern in the man's face.
McKay involuntarily gasped as Sheppard's bed was wheeled out of the infirmary briskly, Beckett kneeling on the bed giving chest compressions, a nurse running alongside holding an ambu-bag over the colonel's face.
"Jesus! What the hell's wrong with him now?" McKay cried out in desperation.
Ronon shrugged again. "Don't know. Beckett said something about a 'PE', whatever that is," he informed the physicist.
McKay's heart thumped in his chest.
"Oh God. Pulmonary Embolism. This is so unfair!" he wailed.
Ronon's face showed his confusion. "Never heard of it. What is it?" he asked.
McKay groaned. "It's when a blood clot becomes lodged in the artery leading to the lungs. It's really, really dangerous. He's going to die, isn't he?" he moaned, as he started to waver. Ronon promptly led McKay back to his bed and helped him to lie down.
"Is there anything Beckett can do?" Ronon asked quietly.
Rodney exhaled. "Yes, yes. Of course there are treatments, but it depends how bad it is. Oh this is just typical, isn't it?" he bemoaned. "Just as I think he's getting better he pulls the old PE on me. I really hate Sheppard. Remind me to tell him that when I next speak to him," McKay babbled.
Ronon snorted. "I'll remember to do that."
McKay lay back down in his pillows, and shook his head numbly.
"Don't do this to me Colonel. I really can't take any more. I'm sorry? Okay? Are you happy now? I'm suffering again, and it's your entire fault. Just…don't die – please!" he begged, as he prepared himself for the inevitable agonising wait ahead.
Tbc.
