I sit down in Chemistry with a huff. It's been two weeks since Jared's little prank on me, and he hasn't been in school since. I sigh, remembering that day again. It is a painful memory that I doubt I will ever forget. I still don't understand why I ever thought that Jared might actually feel anything towards me. He, like everyone else here, only sees me as someone to step on, to tease. I remember my mother coming home right after I had taken my sedatives and cut myself that afternoon. I couldn't stop thinking about Jared, and she discovered me rocking on the floor in my room, tears staining my cheeks. She didn't even say a word; she just shook her head with disgust and walked into her room, shutting and locking the door. My thoughts drift into two days ago as I wait for the bell to ring. I went in for a checkup appointment with my doctor, and Mother told him that my attacks were getting worse. I was so angry when I heard that. I wanted to shout, "How would you know? You're never even home!" But the cold voice in my head reminded me that of course Mom was right, my attacks were horrible and I was a freak, so I stayed silent. The doctor prescribed something new, and only in case of a serious emergency: a sedative injection. Each injection comes with a disposable syringe with the correct dose of sedatives in them. I now have to keep my paper bag, some pills, and one needle injection in my purse, inside a kit with instructions on when and how to use each item. An injection…just thinking about that makes me shudder.
The bell rings and I gasp as Jared ducks into the room with Paul before the teacher shuts the door. She opens her mouth to reprimand them, thinks better of it, and sighs, beginning the lesson instead. Jared's eyes catch mine as he makes his way down the aisle to our table. I glance away quickly, pain slicing through me as I am reminded of his ridiculous prank. I focus on taking notes on the teacher's lecture. A review of balancing equations. Simple, really, not something that I would ever need to take notes on. But, I need a distraction, something to keep me from thinking about Jared. I do the example equation flawlessly. I admire my work, noting how every exponent and chemical had its own niche, a place where it belonged so everything would run perfectly, and I find myself envying them. I find myself wishing more than anything that things could be that simple in my life.
They are like that, the voice reminds me, a sneer in its tone. You do have your own niche, and that is being the freak of the school, who does not ever end up with guys like Jared. If you had remembered your place, none of this would have ever happened. I shut my eyes, feeling helpless tears forming. Equations, equations, I force myself to think as I reopen my eyes and pick up my pencil. But the paper in front of me isn't my notes. It is a note. I sigh as I recognize Jared's handwriting.
We need to talk. Everything I said to you was true. I love you.
Now I can't stop a tear from escaping out of my eye. It slides down my cheek and falls to Jared's note with a soft splat. I wage a war with myself, wanting to write down how much I love him and would do anything for him. I want so badly to believe him…
Yes, why don't you believe your werewolf lover? the voice taunts. I cringe. That is a rude reminder that of course Jared is lying about everything. People don't turn into wolves. That's right, and they don't love people like you. You bring everyone down who does. Think of Dad. With hands now visibly trembling, I slide the note off to the side and continue the notes, forcing myself to think of nothing but chemistry. Potassium iodide subscript twelve plus three carbon subscript eight chloride subscript five equals potassium subscript six chloride subscript four plus carbon subscript eight plus twelve iodine. Potassium iodide subscript twelve plus three carbon subscript eight chloride subscript five equals potassium subscript six chloride subscript four plus carbon subscript eight plus twelve iodine. Potassium iodide subscript twelve plus three carbon subscript eight chloride subscript five equals potassium subscript six chloride subscript four plus carbon subscript eight plus twelve iodine…
Suddenly, a hand is covering mine. I jump and let out a squeak, causing snickers to erupt. I turn to face Jared, my face hot from being startled and embarrassed. I jerk my hand from his. His eyes flash with pain briefly, but return to worry. "Kim," he whispers, "stop."
I blink, confused. "What are you talking about?"
He gestures to my notes. I look, and I see that I've written the same equation three times. I sigh and mumble, "Oh, sorry."
He opens his mouth to reply, but the bell rings and I shoot out of my chair. I need to get away from him. The hallway passes by me in a blur as I make my way to the cafeteria. I choose a line to go wait in for food and stand there. Within seconds, a large group of friends get in line in front of me, like they didn't even notice me. I'm sure they didn't. As soon as I think this, my eyes well up with tears. I suddenly long for graduation, even though I'm only a junior. I want to get out of La Push, away from these people, away from Jared…
That thought had just entered my mind, when a hand lands on my shoulder. I jump and whirl around in line. "Kim, please, this is ridiculous. Why can't you believe me?" Jared is making no attempt to be quiet about this. People turn their heads and eye us curiously, then turn back to their friends in whispered giggles. I feel my face heat up in a blush.
"This…this really is not an appropriate time to talk about this," I mumble, hoping he can't see the tears in my eyes.
"Then leave with me. We can talk alone somewhere."
My blush rises. "Now?" I squeak. "We still have class after lunch. I can't just leave."
Jared smirks. "It's okay to ditch every now and again. I don't know…just say you got sick."
I can feel that pull again. That desire to go with him, to be with him. All I have to do is say I'll go, and we can talk, and I can hear him out. It's so easy, just to say yes…He looks at me with fathomless eyes. "Please Kim," he murmurs.
I open my mouth to say I'll go, but before I can, two girls walk by snobbishly. I can hear one mutter, "Why is he talking with her? Disgusting. Must be a charity project."
"Yeah, that or a joke," the other one replies with a snicker.
I shake my head, ashamed at myself for almost giving in. I eye Jared coldly. "Jared, please. I think this joke has gone on far enough."
He runs a hand over his hair in exasperation. "Dammit, Kim, it's not a joke! I would never do anything like that to you! Please. I can prove it all to you! Why can't you just trust me?"
I give up on lunch. Over half of the people here are watching us, and most of them are laughing. My blush still heats up my face. I glare at Jared, embarrassed and angry. "Honestly Jared, do you think making a scene in front of everyone will make it any better?" He looks at me guiltily. I just shake my head and turn from him, heading to the doors.
"Where are you going?" he calls after me.
"I'm not hungry anymore," I mutter, eyes downcast. I leave the cafeteria and walk quickly down the hall towards my locker. I can hear Jared's footsteps as he follows me, but he makes no move to get my attention or say anything further. I stop at my locker and fumble with the combination, trying to ignore Jared as he steps close to me. "Kim, there are other people like me. They can tell you the same thing I'm telling you about the legends. Please just let me take you to Sam's house after school-,"
I pause and blink at him, interrupting. "Sam Uley?"
Jared nods. "He can explain everything about us a lot better than I can. Just please come with me to see him."
I shake my head and open my locker roughly. "Please, Jared, I don't need this anymore. I have a hard enough time as it is, going through school, and I don't need you adding to it. Just please leave me alone!"
I put my chemistry books away and slam my locker door, but Jared grabs my wrist before I can walk away, turning me towards him. He looks at me in the eye, and I can't look away. I wish that he didn't have this kind of power over me. It makes it impossible not to listen to him. "Why do you have a hard time here?" He gives my wrist a soothing squeeze as he holds it, and I want to cry all over again. "You can tell me, Kim. I can help you. Just please hear me out."
I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. "Jared, please let me go," I whisper softly.
"I can't do that."
My eyes fly open. I can feel myself getting hysterical, and I don't want that at all. I don't want him to see how he hurts me. "I said let go!" I jerk my wrist out of his grasp. It surprises him, and he tightens his grip on my sleeve in an attempt to hold onto me. Before I can stop it, the sleeve rips, and the threads on my sweater unravel up to my elbow. I hear Jared gasp and I look down to see why.
The criss-cross scars on my wrist are there for him to see.
