Okay, so love me still when it is over. Okay?


Chap 9

Another month passed, still alive and holed up in the hospital.

After much debate between father and son, Edward returned back to work. It wasn't like I was talking to him anyways. We disagreed on the importance of my life.

Carlisle refused to discharge me to the rehab facility after my repeated desire to end my life. He was convinced, as well as my new shrink, Jane, that rehab wouldn't help me. They both felt I was going to take the steps needed to get out of the rehab facility as quickly as possible, so I could move forward with killing myself. Being sober I realized that I would be better off dead then constantly high or mentally reliving the demons of my life.

I had been sober for three months and the dreams were now worse than ever. This wasn't a life I wanted to live. Jane would video tape my sleeping, trying to find a prescription drug to help with the dreams, but none of them worked.

No matter how heavily sedated she had me, I still woke up screaming. And then once awake, I couldn't determine the difference between truth and false. Between reality and the hysteria in my mind.

My recovery was slow moving. My voice came and went. The nights I screamed more, were the days I had a hard time talking. But at least I could talk, and now walk with help.

So, I would walk with a walker as much as they would let me. Eventually they had to let me go. They had to eventually let me out of here. And when they did, I would run. Fast and far.

DEMONS

"Isabella, my darling," Peter, foster dad number three said. He was quite possibly the strictest and strangest of them all. I had already been there six months and I saw his wife, Claire, only a handful of times. I personally would have rather been on the street than under an adults rule, but every time I was picked up as a runaway, I was forced back into the system.

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you know what I would love?"

"No, sir. What would you love?" I giggled. I was sure he would want me to make him a sandwich or something. He seemed to like when I cooked for him.

"I would love you," he simply said.

"Me?"

"Oh yes you, but do you know how I would love to love you?"

"No? I'm confused." I only was fourteen and this guy was making no sense. I may had been a street kid, but I typically ran alone. With the fact I had been picked up often, I wasn't that good at running alone.

"I think after all of this time, I deserve payment for how wonderful I've been to you.

"I have no money to pay you. I didn't realize…"

"Not money, Isabella," he wrapped his arm around my torso, pulling me to him. "I want you, in my bed."


I screamed and my eyes popped open. The room was empty.

I knew there was no way to get me to be able to survive like this. I had far too many demons in my mind. My past was riddled with pain that I needed to hide. The only way to hide them was drugs, and not this prescription shit that Jane was giving me.

Real, hard core shit. That's what I needed and that's what I was going to get.

DEMONS

"Hey, Jake, can you get a girl a hook up?" I whispered into the phone.

"Bells?"

"Yeah, who else?"

"I heard you was dead, ya bitch."

"Naw, false alarm. I've been, well it doesn't matter where I've been. What does matter is I need to get high, and I need to get high now."

"I can get you something. Meet me at Fifth and Erving."

"Uh, can't. I'm kinda locked up."

"Bitch, I'm not bringing drugs into a jail. What the fuck kinda shit is that?"

"No, hospital lock up. A psych hold. You know where to get the cash you need."

"Always knew you was a crazy bitch. What's the info, I will find a way in. And don't worry, I'll get my money."

DEMONS

A throat cleared. "Flower delivery for Izzie B Swan."

I giggled at Jake's name for me.

"Ms. Swan can't have visitors."

"I'm not here to visit, just deliver this lovely arrangement."

"I see. Room Four-eighty-two."

The click of shoes vibrated down the hall.

There was a quiet knock on the door before it opened.

"Jake, you have skill."

"And a lovely arrangement for you." He placed a kiss to my cheek. "The flower food; it's my own special blend. It should last you. If you've been sober this long, you won't need a lot to go numb. Jess gave me the money, so you are covered for the coke and the flowers."

"Thanks. I'm sure I'll be in touch soon."

"Any time, baby girl." Jake kissed my cheek again and pulled me close to his chest. My best friend. My only friend anymore. I would miss him once I was gone.

DEMONS

It was a Tuesday. Edward didn't come to the hospital on Tuesdays. I waited until the nurse did a check in on me. I told her I was going to nap.

She wished me a good rest and shut the light and door on her way out.

I ripped open the flower food and dipped my finger into the white powder. I rubbed my finger on my gums and within moments, I knew this stuff was good. I could already feel the mild starts of the feeling I had been begging to feel for weeks.

I grabbed a straw from my food tray, happy I opted to drink my water without the straw today.

Taking the card with my meal order listed from the food tray, I made myself a line on the bathroom counter.

I looked at the line, then myself in the mirror.

"Here we go, Izzy B." I giggled, plugged my left nostril, while placing the straw to my right and started snorting.


So, I pinched a nerve in my back, so I have spent the last two days in a steroid/pain killer/muscle relaxer coma. It's been nice - yet not helpful on the writing front. I thought about writing yesterday, but then I passed out. I plan to relax Sunday (as Saturday I'm hosting a party - lucky me...), so while I relax, I will write(unless I pass out again).

Til next time...