Chapter 9: Paraplegic Barbie
The loss of James was heavy in our protagonists' hearts, but they trudged on, coming to a familiar graveyard — the one where James and Henry had encountered Little Walter. Henry was bitter, but the rest of the party was just sad at their loss.
There was a candle stick burning to their left; Henry walked over to it and grabbed a torch from beside it. Written upon it was Holy Flame. Sticking it in the fire, the torch combusted, resulting in brilliant light. Just then, the door opened, revealing Walter Sullivan with a pipe and pistol.
'Henry! Eileen!' he called. 'I shall kill you for what you've done to Tom!'
— — — Somewhere dark — — —
Tom the Pyramid Head sat alone on a bed, with several red candles lit around him, holding a red rose. Systematically he began to strip the rose, until all that was left was the stem. Then he sighed, and cast it away. After a few moments of sitting, he lifted up his robes and picked his herpes sores.
'It's not the same without her!' he cried as he fell back into relapse.
— — — Back to the gang — — —
He aimed the pistol and fired after the brunette (male), and said person bolted for the door, throwing it open so the party could get in — he then shut it.
'What will we do?' Robo asked. Henry pointed to Crono and Robo, telling them to get on the left side of the door. He and Frog stood on the right, and when Walter came through, everyone hit him, Crono with his pipe, Henry with his axe, Frog with his bat, and Robo with his fist.
'Ouch!' Walter screamed, 'damn! Should have seen that coming!' He fell, and Henry examined a nearby well, finding a head. Stuffing the head in his pocket, the group continued to the Wish House. They found it burned down, which didn't surprise them too much. On the remains, they found a memo from Jasper.
I'm on fire! Those bastards! Aaagh! It has begun! What the hell am I writing!? Why'd I write 'Aaaagh'!? Oh well! Time to shoot up heroine!!!!!!!
There was a wheelchair, with a mannequin upon it — there were no appendages, but Henry had enough wit to see that it was a puzzle — he put the head in its respective position, and waited. Nothing.
'Crap,' he sighed, turning to the others. 'Okay, here's the deal: we're all going to split up into groups of two, and look for the doll parts.'
'But,' Frog interrupted, 'there art five of us now — thou cannot divide five by two.'
'Than I'll go alone. Frog, you go with Robo; Crono, you go with Eilee— no, wait, she tried to eat you . . . Crono and Frog, you go together, Robo and Eileen, you too. Meet back in here after we've got at least one appendage.
— — — Robo and Eileen — — —
Robo and Eileen went towards where Henry first appeared in the forest. Eileen was skipping merrily as Robo trudged on behind her — finally they came to a well, which Robo lit up with his searchlights. Inside they found an limb, which they stored in Robo. The two then proceeded through a factory.
One of the ghosts jumped out, armed with a trowel, and made fast for Eileen — Robo aimed his fist at the ghost and his hand popped open to reveal a chain-gun.
'Uh oh,' the ghost said as it turned and floated away . . . it wasn't fast enough to escape a flurry of bullets, however. Proud, Robo and Eileen proceeded until they came to where Henry and James actually did start. There was a monkey, which Robo subsequently destroyed with a flamethrower.
'You have a lot of weapons, Mr. Roboto!' Eileen giggled.
'It is not a fact which I am proud of,' Robo stated as they took a doll part.
'But if you have a lot of weapons, then why don't you use them for the good of mankind?'
'Because I . . . wait . . . that's very insightful, Eileen . . .'
'Will you be my boyfriend?' Eileen asked as she touched Robo's head, smiling broadly.
'Madam, I am a machine, and you are a human being. Two completely incompatible life forms—'
'How long are you?'
'What a completely rude and inappropriate quest—'
'Will you love me and call me "sugarbuns"?'
'No, I shall not.'
'Phooey,' Eileen pouted as they left. 'I'm breaking up with you.'
'But we never—' Robo began.
'NO EXCUSES!' Eileen shrieked.
— — — Frog and Crono — — —
'One of these days, Crono mine pal, I shall slice Robo into many fine pieces,' Frog spoke as they journeyed for the parts.
'Greetings,' came Walter Sullivan's voice. Frog turned quickly to face him.
'Crono,' he spoke, 'there must be a well nearby! Find it, and get back here as quick as thy legs might carry thee!' Frog brandished the bat, and engaged Walter in combat. Crono darted for the end of the path, found the well, and got back to Frog in a total of five seconds.
'That was—' Frog said as he dodged a blow from Sullivan. Crono darted behind the 'blonde', and bashed him relentlessly in the back of the head. As Walter fell, he screamed 'I'll get you, Crono Trigger and Frog . . . err . . .' He passed out.
'For the last time,' Crono said, very annoyed, 'my name is not Trigger!'
'Well that be what it says upon the box,' Frog said.
'What box?'
'Thou shall discover in good time.' Frog walked away.
— — — Henry — — —
Henry aimed Richard's revolver at a double-headed monster. 'Receiver,' it whispered, pointing at him.
'What's that?' Henry mocked. 'I can't hear you!'
'Receiver,' it whispered a little louder.
'Huh?
'RECEIVER, DAMNIT!' Henry jumped back at this violent display of anger, and responded with revolver rounds to their face(s).
'I'm the Giver,' he said, 'and you're the Receiver, bitch!'
Grabbing a piece of the doll, he continued through the mine and to Peluca Lake. Once there, he heard a weird choking sound, and saw a flaming ghost floating up to him.
'I'm gonna k-k-k-k-k-kill you H-H-H-Henry T-T-T-T-Townshend!' Jasper said as he approached with a chalice.
'Dude,' Henry said, 'why do you have to bother me? Leave me alone.'
'You seem s-s-s-s-sad and angr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ry.'
'James died,' Henry said as he threw a pebble into Peluca Lake.
'Yeah, boo-hoo,' Jasper said. 'Look who died and got set on fire.'
'Why don't you just float out to that lake and extinguish the fire?'
'. . . g-g-g-good idea . . .'
'Anyway, there's nothing — AAAHHH!' Henry screamed as he spotted Little Walter. 'What are you doing here!?'
'EternalFlare couldn't get the Little Walter that appears in every other Silent Hill 4 Parody, so he hired me,' Little Walter said. 'I also play Anakin Skywalker in a Star Wars Parody that's coming soon . . .'
Author: Yeah, about that . . .
'Err . . . I meant, why are you here? In this spot?'
'Waiting to talk to you so I can run off again. Just like always, dumbass.'
'What's your name?' Henry sighed.
'I don't have a name, but people call me Walter Sullivan. I don't have a home either, but that'll change – Mom's waiting, must go wake her, bye!' Little Walter took off at the speed of light, knocking Henry down. Henry stood up, took the Crest Medallion, and turned to where Walter went.
'Where does he always go?' he mumbled.
— — — A floating McDonalds — — —
Little Walter was sitting on a McDonalds bench, eating a Big Mac, when Ronald McDonald ran up to him.
'Heya there, Wally!' Ronald chuckled.
'No, once more, that's the other Walter in the other parodies.'
'Shut up runt, I didn't give you permission to speak. Anyway, want to go in the back for a "photo shoot"?'
'Boy, would I!' Walter screamed as he took Ronald's hand and the two went back in to the kitchen.
'Say, it's hot in here . . . better take off that shirt . . . and maybe those pants . . .'
'I'm lovin' it!' Walter cried as they disappeared.
'So am I,' Ronald muttered.
— — — Henry — — —
'. . . you didn't . . . you couldn't have just made Ronald McDonald a paedophile . . .'
Author: I did.
'You're one sick bastard, poisoning the one innocent character we have left in the world . . .'
Author: Didn't he go out of style, like, two years ago?
'True that,' Henry conceded.
'Ronald . . . r-r-r-r-raped me when I was s-s-s-six,' Jasper stuttered.
Author: No, that was the Hamburglar.
'Better then James . . . he got raped by Colonel Sanders . . .'
Author: Let's move on . . .
'Okay,' Henry cried as he blasted Jasper in the head and ran. Jasper fell to the ground, where lightning conveniently struck a tree and pinned him.
'F-f-fuck . . .' he stuttered as the tree began to catch on fire from the flames on his body.
— — — Back at the Wish House's ruins — — —
Everyone regrouped, and they stood before the wheelchair doll. Henry, at length, solved the puzzle and the doll suddenly came alive!!!!111!
'Thank you for giving me my limbs back!' he laughed maniacally. 'Now I shall kill you!' He moved to stand up, before falling back down on the chair. 'Damn . . . I really am paraplegic . . .'
Henry reared up and kicked the wheelchair, sending the device flying back, revealing some stairs that lead down. Going down it, they found a cult's bible on the table:
The Descent of the Holy Mother – The 21 Sacraments.
And God said: bring before me the Livers of the Ten Sinners, so that I may add them to my meat collection. Bring before me the white oil and a black cup, for that which I may use as seasoning for the Livers. Consume my cooked Liver, and then shoot yourself. You'll be, like, immortal or something.
And God said: put in Zeitgeist by The Smashing Pumpkins as you kill a few people, girding yourself with them or something. Call them Darkness, Gloom, Void, and Despair.
And God said: return to Source-Code through sin's Temptation. Under the watchful eye of the Stalker, wander alone in the formless Chaos. Then separate from the flesh she who is the Mother Reborn, and he who is the final Receiver of Wisdom.
By the mystery of the 21 Sacraments, you'll fuck the whole world up — I mean . . . you'll meet your mommy.
'Cool,' Henry said. 'Not that this memo has anything to do with us.' They put the Crest Medallion in the door, and continued down the stairs, knowing that they'd come to the Water Prison. At length, they opened the door, and heard a familiar voice singing 'Home By the Sea' by Genesis.
—To Be Continued . . .
— — —
Will Jasper get free? Is Ronald McDonald a paedophile? What will they find in the Water Prison? Tune in next time for: The Aqua Jail!
