Running made her feel free and alive. Hours of chasing after Buffy throughout the forest had given her quite the workout. The two of them collapsed in the middle of the courtyard, sweaty, exhausted and Buffy nearly out of breath. The clouds had rolled in on their way back to the castle and Faith could already hear the rain off in the distance and the storm that came with it was fast approaching.

"Never had anyone else that could keep up with me," Buffy laughed. "That was actually fun."

"Yeah, for you maybe," Faith chuckled as she rolled onto her side and stared at Buffy intensely. "Haven't gone on a run like that in years though. Felt good though."

Faith kept her eyes on Buffy, watching her as she closed them and breathed in deeply. She barely flinched when she felt the few raindrops fall against her skin and she barely breathed as Faith leaned over and lightly kissed her lips. Buffy's eyes flew open after a moment and she smiled as she pulled Faith in for a deeper kiss.

"Buffy..."

"Mm, what?"

"We're gonna get soaked," Faith whispered against her lips, not wanting to move but knowing they had to. "Come on."

Faith got up from the ground and pulled a slightly dazed Buffy to her feet. With a smirk and a quiet chuckle, Faith ran for the castle, pulling Buffy with her. It didn't matter how fast they had ran inside, they were soaked to the bone by the time they had made it across the courtyard. It was easy to forget years of fighting how she felt when Buffy pushed her up against the wall just inside the doorway. It was easy to lose herself in the kiss, to feel nothing but Buffy all over her.

The only thing that was hard was to control herself, to control her urges.

Faith shuddered as Buffy moaned into her mouth, the sensations almost pure sex as Faith pulled her in closer, her fingers sliding under the hem of her damp shirt and over her hips. Controlling herself, her urges, proved to be her biggest hurdle yet and she broke apart from the kiss reluctantly and held Buffy away from her. The desire in Buffy's eyes, the need that emanated from her body was too much for Faith to take in, to ignore.

She could feel Buffy's heart racing against her own, driving unseen energy into her and between them. The intensity, the desire, the lust, the need...all of it overwhelmed Faith. It had never been like this, not even during those couple of days they'd spent together. Faith knew she had control over Buffy and she knew that Buffy definitely had some kind of control over her. She bit her lip as Buffy backed away slowly.

"Why are you fighting it?"

"Fighting what, B?"

"I know how much you want me," she whispered as she motioned Faith to follow her. "You keep holding yourself back and right when I think you'll lose that control, you grab a hold of it and shut me out."

"I'm not shutting you out. We were going to try the whole 'dating' thing, weren't we?"

"Isn't it funny?" Buffy laughed as she stopped at the foot of the stairs and faced her.

"What is funny?"

"How we seemed to just fall into this and how easily we seemed to fall into bed together when we were back at Giles' house. I keep asking myself why, keep asking myself how and you know what answer keeps coming up?"

"No, what?"

"That this is how it should have always been. Stop fighting it, Faith. It's hurting both of us. I can see just how much it is."

Faith sighed as she sat down on the last step and looked up at Buffy. "I'm holding myself back only cos I'm afraid of what will happen if I just give in and let go. Besides, B. You weren't up for this earlier. Why the sudden change?"

"You're fighting your dark side and I'm fighting mine. You are my dark side, Faith. I don't want to fight it anymore. I don't think I have the strength to fight it anymore. I don't think you do either."

Faith sighed as she stood up and gently wrapped her arms around Buffy. "You know how I feel about you and me being together. I keep thinking we're pulling ourselves into something we both aren't ready for, you know?"

Buffy nodded her head slowly as she ran her fingers over the back of Faith's neck, their eyes locking for a moment before Buffy pulled her in for a deep, passionate kiss. Faith grinned against her lips as she backed Buffy up to the wall next to the stairs. She trailed her tongue over her jaw, watching her as her eyes closed and her body tensed against her own.

"Buffy?" Willow said softly as she rounded the corner and stopped in her tracks. "I've been looking for you. Where have you been?"

"Running," she replied breathlessly as she stared at Faith. She broke the gaze as she pushed Faith away from her and turned to Willow and smiled. "Did you need me for something?"

"We had a meeting today. Remember?"

"Giles is here?"

"Angel is too," Willow nodded. "Uh why don't you two change into some dry clothes and meet us down in the study in ten minutes."

"Angel and Giles are here?" Faith asked as she followed Buffy up the stairs. "What's going on?"

"I don't know about you, but I do want to know why they did what they did to you."

"I know why, Buffy."

"Well, I want to know. There's more to it, Faith. We can't just let it go without getting to the bottom of it."

"Sure we can," Faith laughed as she stopped on the stairs and looked up at Buffy. "Come on. I'm a monster now, look at me! You are just as bad as they are. Wanting to change me back. You can't change me back, Buffy. Nobody can."

"I never said anything about wanting to change you back," Buffy sighed as she shook her head and continued up the stairs. "If you hadn't been able to tell, things are actually better for us now. Why would I want to change you back? So I can lose you again? Become distant?"

"Buffy, you never had me."

"Do I not have you now?"

"I'm not some...piece of property you can own," Faith said with disgust in her voice. "I think they were right. I do have some kind of control over you. It's not right."

"It's not wrong either."

Faith shook her head and yet, followed Buffy into the bedroom. Buffy threw her a clean pair of sweatpants and a tank top. Faith couldn't take her eyes off of Buffy as she stripped out of her clothes and quickly changed. Never had she felt so conflicted before. She knew what she wanted, it was right there in front of her feeling the same things she felt. She was just denying it to herself, fighting it. Somewhere deep down inside of her she didn't feel like she deserved to be with Buffy, that she didn't deserve to know what love was and she didn't deserve to be happy.

She clutched onto the dry clothes and sat on the edge of the bed. She was close to breaking down, to losing control of her feelings and the second Buffy sat down next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder that was it. The tears began to flow with no sign of them stopping any time soon.

"You okay?" Buffy asked gently as she pulled her in close. "Faith, why are you crying? You can tell me. Whatever you are feeling right now...just tell me, please?"

"I don't...I feel like I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve you. Everything that's happened to me...it's too much, Buffy. I don't know how to deal anymore. I just want to give up."

"No," she whispered as she kissed away her tears. "Don't give up, Faith."

"You have no idea what it's like to be what I am now. These feelings, the way I feel inside. I can't handle it. I almost can't stand to be around you, B. I had a taste and that's all I can fucking think about is having more."

"I wish there was something I could do for you," she sighed as she lightly kissed Faith on the lips. Before the kiss grew deeper Buffy pulled away from her and smiled. "You know, you have changed a lot and not just in the obvious ways. The more you open up, the more I start to see you for who you really are."

"Does it scare you? Push you away?"

"No," Buffy said as she shook her head. "It just makes me fall for you even more so."

"Did it hurt?"

"Did what hurt?"

"When you fell for me?" Faith asked, chuckling at her own lame attempt at a joke to break the depressing mood that fell upon them. "That was pretty fucking pathetic."

"Yeah," Buffy laughed. "And to answer your question, yes, it hurt. A lot. You know what hurts more though? Seeing you like this and not being able to do a damn thing about it."

Any other time Faith would have pushed her away. But she was tired of pushing her away. Tired of holding herself back and tired of telling herself she didn't deserve this, whatever this would end up being between them. She was tired of fighting the inner battle to keep from falling over the edge. Far as she was now concerned, she was already falling off the edge and all she needed was to find her way back.

"Why don't you get changed and we'll go down for this meeting and figure out everything else afterwards," Buffy said as she stood up from the bed and smiled sweetly down at Faith.

Faith only nodded and waited until Buffy had walked out of the room before she stripped from her damp clothes and pulled on the dry ones. They smelled of Buffy even though they were clean and she sighed deeply as she opened the bedroom door and wrapped her arms around Buffy.

"We'll make it work, right?"

"Of course we will," Buffy smiled as she gently kissed her. "No matter what, we'll make it work."

"No broken or empty promises?" Faith asked, knowing her heart and soul couldn't deal with any more disappointments in life.

"No more broken or empty promises, I promise you that. Come on, everyone is waiting for us. Let's find out what the hell is going on and we'll go from there."

Faith said not another word as Buffy took her hand and led her down to the study where Giles, Angel and Willow were waiting for them. Faith tried to let go of her hand as soon as they walked into the large study, but Buffy held a firm grip. Angel frowned at both of them as they sat down on the small love seat together and for the longest time nobody spoke. The silence in the air was heavy, the tension thick and Faith was focusing hard at blocking everyone out.

Giles and Angel calmly explained the things they knew about Faith, about Edward and his family. Faith kept blocking them out. She already knew everything they were saying and the more she heard about these things, the more she was starting to hate herself. As soon as Buffy's tight and firm grip on her hand loosened, she got up and walked to the window, careful not to draw back the curtains too much and stared outside.

A prisoner is what she felt like. Trapped in her body with a soul that was far from being perfect, far from being happy. Every time she took a step forwards, something or someone always pushed her a dozen steps back. The rain trickling down the windowpane mirrored the tears that fell from her eyes. The tears had only began to fall when she heard Giles tell them that it would be impossible for Faith to ever be herself again, impossible to rid of the demon trapped inside of her.

"It's hopeless," Faith whispered as she turned to look at them. "It's completely hopeless. You came here to tell me things I already knew. What the fuck is the point in doing that?"

"We came here because Willow and Buffy asked us to come here. They wanted to hear another side of things," Angel said calmly. "We're all afraid for you, Faith."

"You mean afraid of me. Of me, Angel, not for me. Just admit it. You are all afraid of me!"

"Faith..."

"Do not fucking touch me, Angel!"

Faith completely lost it at that simple, friendly gesture as Angel laid a hand on her shoulder. She lost her self-control and shoved Angel clear across the room. She wanted to kill him, the need there so strong and so tempting. She barely glanced at a very shocked Buffy as she walked across the room and grabbed Angel by the throat and lifted him up from the ground.

"Have you lost your mind?"

"Probably," Faith laughed as she let go of him.

"Are you going to be okay?" Angel asked as he looked into her eyes. "Faith?"

She was shaking as she backed herself into the nearest corner. "I can't hold onto anything. My thoughts, my feelings, they are all over the place. What did you do to me, Angel? What did you do to me when you had me chained to the fucking floor? Answer me!"

Her trigger had been switched and she had lost it completely by then. Shaking uncontrollably, unable to shut her emotions off, unable to block out everyone else's. Through the tears in her eyes she watched Angel back away from her slowly, shaking his head in disbelief at the display she was putting on.

"Faith?" Buffy whispered as she knelt down on the floor next to her.

"Don't."

"What's going on, Faith? Talk to me," Buffy said as she wrapped her arms around Faith and pulled her in close. "Tell me, please?"

"It's too much."

"What is?"

"Everything," Faith cried and she scoffed at herself as she tried to stop the torrent of tears. "How pathetic is this?"

"Faith, you're having an emotional breakdown," Willow said as she slowly approached her and Buffy huddled down in the corner still. "Can't say it is a normal thing, but considering everything you've just been through it's completely understandable why you're breaking down."

"It just won't stop."

"What won't stop?" Buffy asked her, glancing at Willow for a moment before she looked back at Faith. "What won't stop? Faith?"

"My life."

****

Buffy stood at the foot of her bed and watched as Faith slept a sound yet restless sleep. It scared her to see Faith break apart the way she had and she knew it could have been a lot worse. Willow opened the door quietly and motioned for her to come out into the hallway.

"How's she doing?"

"Don't know. She's been sleeping since she passed out downstairs."

"She's going through a lot right now," Willow sighed as she peered around Buffy to look in at Faith. "I think she'll need some time to adjust."

"Adjust to what? Her feelings, her change, me?"

"Everything."

"It's hard to watch her go through this, Will."

"I know," she sighed again, louder this time as she pulled Buffy in for a hug. "I think with everything that's going on it is just too much for her. Maybe you should..."

"Should what?"

"Put off on doing the whole 'relationship' thing until she can get in control of herself?"

Buffy shook her head but knew Willow was probably right. "Right when I have a chance to be with her it all goes to shit at the drop of a hat. I don't understand why things have to be so hard between us. I mean I do understand, with our history and everything, but those days are long over."

"But not forgotten."

"I know."

"You do have to understand what she is going through right now, Buffy. What she is now...considering she still has a soul, it is torturing her."

"Like Angel?"

"No, not like Angel. It is torturing her in a completely different way. Giles and Angel were talking about it, trying to explore the different possibilities of how she is feeling and just what she is going through. It's hard because she's unique. Never has there been one of her kind before, not even Edward or his family and the history on them comes close to what she is."

"Every time she opens up and lets me inside she pushes me away again."

"You and I both know that is just how she is, Buffy. You can't expect someone just to change and stop being like that. All you can do is be patient. Give her time to adjust, time to deal and move on."

"What if she never does?"

"Then you'll have to give up on her and move on yourself, Buffy. Come on, let's go down to the kitchen and talk over a cup of tea."

"Will, I feel like a complete love-struck fool right now. I run to her after Satsu broke up with me, see a side of her I never saw before then I go to see Giles and she's there and she's different. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Nothing is wrong with you," Willow laughed as they walked down the long hallway towards the stairs. "It's just love, Buffy. You know what I think? I think you waited so long to accept your feelings for Faith and now that you have it's almost too much for both of you to take in. Has she told you how she feels about you?"

"She told me she loves me."

"I sense a 'but' in there."

"But, I don't know...I just wish things could be different. I wish she wouldn't feel like she doesn't deserve me because I know she does."

"Oh Buffy," Willow sighed as she hugged her close as Buffy's tears started to fall. "I think the crying and emotional thing is contagious today."

Buffy laughed a little and they walked the rest of the way to the kitchen in silence. Giles was already sitting in there with Angel and Xander. Willow got two cups and made the two of them some tea. Buffy sat down at the table next to Xander, smiling a little at him as he put his arm around her.

"You okay, Buff?"

"I'll be fine."

"You sure? We're trying to..."

"Don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't try to do anything," she sighed. "Whatever you guys are trying to do to help Faith isn't helping her at all. You saw the way she broke down. Do you think that's normal?"

Nobody said a word. The room felt completely silent and nothing could be heard but the boiling kettle on the stove. Buffy sighed as she took the cup of tea from Willow and placed it down on the table in front of her. Buffy bit her lip as she fought off her tears. She'd always had to deal with so much in her life and dealing with Faith, her feelings for her was proving to be the hardest of life's hurdles so far.

"I know what we have to do," Willow spoke up quietly, breaking through the silence in the room. "I don't think we're going about this the right way, you know? Trying to understand what Faith is now is getting us nowhere. Maybe we should just try and understand who she is inside, who she always has been then we'll be able to understand everything else."

"It's a long hard road," Angel said with a soft smile. "But once she trusts herself to trust others and opens up, it gets easier."

"It is going to be hard," Giles nodded as he took a sip of his tea. "But what she needs is friends in her life, friends that care about her and love her and won't push her."

"And Buffy?" Angel asked as he looked over at her. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," she shrugged. "I just want...I want to show her what it is like to be loved if only she'd let me. I wish she'd stop pushing me away."

"Be her friend first, lover second," Angel said softly. "Might be a little too late, but you have to try."

"Can you believe this?" Buffy laughed as she wiped away the tears that had fallen. "We're all sitting around talking about Faith when none of us said a word about her in four years."

"Nobody has seen her in four years, Buff," Xander said as he put his arm around her again. "It's nobody's fault. People grow distant. They grow apart even though in Faith's case she was never close with any of us. Giles is right though. What she needs is friends in her life that care about her and love her. I don't know about everyone else, but I am willing to try and be one of those friends."

"I hate to say it, but don't you think it's almost too late?" Willow asked. "Look at our history with Faith. It hasn't exactly been sunshine and rainbows. The past is the past. It can be forgotten and left behind. Whether it's almost too late or not, I'm with Xander on this. I'm willing to try too."

They sat there for awhile, the conversation quickly changing over to how they would deal with Edward's family when the time came. There was no way that any of them were going to let Faith deal with them on her own. Faith was one of them, technically speaking, and they'd always had looked out for one another no matter what. It was agreed that no solid plans were going to be made until they found out more about Edward's family and just why they were so dead set on getting revenge on Faith, aside from the very obvious reason of course.

It was late by the time Buffy made her way back up to her room. Faith was still sound asleep and just a little less restless than she'd been before. With every passing minute, with every feeling she felt and every thought she had, she began to understand Faith that little bit more. It wasn't just Faith and what she was feeling that Buffy was starting to understand, it was herself and her feelings she had buried so long ago had completely surfaced.

"Buffy?" Faith said softly as she sat up in the bed as Buffy walked into the room. "I was hoping it'd just be you."

"Who else would be with me?"

Faith shrugged, watching her as she walked to the bed and sat down, keeping her distance. "Heard you all talking down there. Wasn't trying to, you know?"

"Oh yeah?"

"Feels weird having people care about me. Got no reason to."

"Of course they do."

"I know, B. I'm just saying," Faith chuckled a little as she pulled Buffy a little closer to her and kept her arm around her until Buffy relaxed. "I never knew what it felt like before. Always did envy you for having friends that cared about you and loved you. Guess I can stop with the whole envy thing now, huh?"

"Yeah."

"What a fucking depressing day," Faith sighed out. "Sorry for breaking down like that. Couldn't seem to hold myself together."

"It's okay," Buffy whispered as she reached for Faith's other hand and intertwined their fingers. "I have to admit that I feel a little guilty."

"What for?"

Buffy sighed, not sure whether she should tell Faith that she felt guilty for going to LA, for being honest with her then leaving her the way she had. She felt guilty she hadn't tried to save her from herself and from the vampires that turned her.

"You know I can read your thoughts," Faith whispered. "Don't feel guilty about anything, Buffy. Was all my fault. Seeing you again changed things, you know?"

"Things have definitely changed," Buffy smiled as she squeezed her hand gently. "The whole mind reading thing though? It kind of freaks me out a little."

"Don't try to do it," Faith shrugged. "Just like I try not to feel what you are feeling. Realized during those few days we were at Giles' that it wasn't worth trying not to feel, trying to separate what I felt and what I felt coming from you. We were feeling the same things. Still are."

"I want things to work out between us because they never have before."

"What makes you think they will this time?"

"I don't know," Buffy sighed. "We never really tried to make things work in the past."

"We were never lovers until a couple of weeks ago."

"I meant as friends, Faith."

"Potato, tomato."

"Don't think that's how it goes," Buffy laughed.

"Not like it matters."

"No, it doesn't. A lot of things don't. Not anymore."

"So, it's just that easy?"

"Yeah," Buffy smiled. "It can be that easy if you let it."

"I did tell you I don't do relationships, right?"

"You did. Several times."

"Well, I take it back. Think I'm gonna try, like really try this time. Won't kill me if I try right? Considering I'm half dead already."

Buffy laughed and sighed as she laid her head against Faith's shoulder. "We still need to have an official date."

"Well, dinner is out of the way cos I can't exactly eat unless you buy me steak that is raw."

Buffy shuddered and looked her, making a face as Faith laughed. "So, a food date is out of the question then. What if I took you out for drinks, maybe go dancing and afterwards finish off the night with some slaying?"

"Like old times, almost?" Faith asked, her eyes brightening at the thought. "Would love that, B."

"We'll talk more in the morning," Buffy said with a yawn she couldn't suppress any longer. "Been a very long day."

Buffy closed her eyes as Faith held her close. She couldn't help but smile, just a little. Every time things took a turn for the worse, they ended up turning around sooner or later. They'd already been to the worst of their relationship and that had been years ago. Leaving the past behind was easier said than done, but Buffy was willing to try. Love sure was a funny thing sometimes, yet, she loved every second of it despite the many setbacks and shortfalls they continued to have.

****

Faith sat on the shallow pitch of the roof just outside of Buffy's bedroom window. The sun was about to rise, she could feel it, taste it and see the first rays breaking through the darkness in the sky. She was emotionally drained. Everything she felt she wanted to not feel anymore. Flicking the lighter in her hand, she sighed and lit the cigarette that had been dangling from her lips for the last half hour unlit.

The last couple of weeks had felt like a lifetime to her. Everything had changed and nothing was ever going to be the same again, not with herself and definitely not between her and Buffy. For once in her life she was starting to accept the changes. No more pushing people away, no more slinking beyond the shadows, putting up walls to keep everyone out. The more she let Buffy in, the more she felt a slice of her humanity begin to overtake the demon inside of her.

"Hey," Buffy smiled at her as she leaned out the window. "What you doing out here?"

Faith held up the cigarette and sighed as she turned to look at her. "Sleep okay?"

"Yeah," she nodded as she climbed out the window and sat next to her. "Sitting out here to watch the sun rise?"

"It's beautiful," Faith whispered. "Every ray of light that hits the sky, it's breathtaking."

"It really is," Buffy smiled as she pulled Faith's arm around her and settled in close. "I know I can't see it the way you do, but I can just imagine."

"Would you ever want to?"

Faith realized what she had said and sighed as Buffy shrugged and moved so she was sitting in front of her in between her legs. Buffy took the cigarette from her and flicked it over the edge of the roof and pulled both of Faith's arms around her.

"I don't know," Buffy sighed. "I see what you have to go through being like this and I want to understand what it is like for you. You didn't really have a choice."

"I did. I let them. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe cos I wasn't thinking, you know?"

"It isn't your fault, Faith. We all do stupid things in our lives, make stupid mistakes. This is just one of those mistakes you have to live with."

"But," Faith smiled as she breathed in deeply and kissed the side of Buffy's neck. "It brought us together. Can't be that big of a mistake if it did that, right?"

Buffy only nodded and leaned in closer to Faith. They both sighed out and sat there and watched the sun rise together in silence. Faith could feel the warmth, the life and the power radiating off of Buffy, drawing her in yet pushing her away at the same time. She knew she shouldn't feel like she was being pushed away. It was one of those feelings she couldn't get rid of no matter how hard she tried.

Faith ran her fingers over Buffy's stomach, smiling to herself when she felt her heart rate pick up. All it took was a single, simple touch and Buffy was almost under her control. It was a sense of power she'd always had over others. It was one of those things she knew she'd have to control. As much as she wanted Buffy, wanted to touch her, kiss her and taste her in more ways than the obvious, she knew she'd have to wait for Buffy to want it first, to initiate it, to make that first move.

She had another edge to worry about falling off of now. One she'd never thought she'd have to worry about. It wasn't darkness, it wasn't self-destruction. It was control over herself. Over her feelings and needs. Buffy wasn't just her anchor, she was her release. Buffy would be the one to hold her back and push her over the edge all once.

Faith wasn't sure whether to hold on tight or let go.