What if? The Purgatory of Lily
Chapter 9
Certainty's Price
I have many regrets, let this not be one of them...
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling, nor do I own the Harry Potter Series.
Lily-prime looked at her counterpart in trepidation and with a modicum of dislike; she suspected that Severus regretted the incident by the lake at least as much as she had, so anything that made even that horrible memory pale in comparison had to have been extremely cruel indeed...something which Lily-prime knew now that Severus didn't even remotely deserve.
Nonetheless, Lily-prime let her anger die out without saying anything, since this version of herself had clearly paid for her sins already and then some. As such, she said calmly, crossing her arms as she did so, "Err...right then, let's get started, ok? Show me your time-line then er..." Not knowing what to say, she referred to her counterpart as simply, "Lily Snape, I assume?"
The red-head before her merely shook her head sadly and said, "No, Lily Evans still. My life ended before Severus and I could tie the knot."
Unsure of what else to do, Lily-prime shrugged and decided to mentally refer to her counterpart as 'Sixty', after the number on her whiteish robes. After several moments of silence, she said, "Well, how about we begin your time-line then?"
Sixty smirked, then turned and pressed her hand to the mirror, causing a reddish light to seep into it. As she did so, she said slowly, "Like with most of the time-lines you have seen thus far, the change to my time-line occured at a key defining moment of the our friendship. In your life, it was the end of the story of your friendship with Severus, but not in mine..."
Slowly, the mirror seemed to swirl with Sixty's red light, then a scene appeared. It was one which Lily-prime recognized with a burning shame, the time when Severus had pleaded with her for her forgiveness, but she had left him standing outside the portrait hole to Gryffindor tower...
"I'm Sorry."
"Ugh...I know that you are, and I forgive you for it, Severus. That's not the problem, really it's not. I mean, I'm angry with you about it, but..."
Severus looked at Lily nervously, waiting for her to continue. As she looked back at him in exasperation, he cursed himself again for how he had acted earlier. If he hadn't attacked Potter with that Sectumsempra, then maybe he would have never shouted that word at her. Right then, Severus really, truly hated himself for how he had acted...
Finally, Lily said dully, looking at him with too-tired eyes, "Severus, why can't you see it? A year ago, two years ago, I know that you would never have said 'the word' to me under any circumstances. You never started saying that word until you joined Mulciber, Avery and the rest of that gang of future Death Eaters. Now you say it all the time, to everyone, even to your best friend..."
Severus gulped, trying to somehow explain his actions to her, but he couldn't. He couldn't tell her how he was sure that he had to do it to fit in if he wanted to join the Death Eaters, because she didn't approve of them, in spite of the fact that they had helped him for so long. Thanks to them, although Severus was little more than scum from Spinner's End right now, he would one day be somebody important, special even...somebody who Lily might be able to love...
If he told Lily though, told her how he needed this, then she would laugh at his pretentions of having a romance with her as she left him alone again... It was hard enough getting by when most of the school, his family and Lily's sister thought of him as worthless, but Severus knew that he would just break if Lily felt the same way...
Lily-prime swallowed, not able to say anything, nor meet Severus' gaze through the mirror.
Meanwhile, Sixty asked quietly, almost cruel in her whispering, "What do you think Severus thought during your time-line, when you all but ranted to him? Did he think that there was anything left that he could fight for? Did he even imagine that you might understand or empathize with him?"
Lily-prime merely watched in silence, remembering her own words 'My friends don't even understand why I talk to you anymore!' and unable to answer...
After about five minutes of silence, Lily said quietly, "If that's all, Severus, I'm going up to bed now. It's late, and I was already in bed when Mary let me know about how you were standing outside..."
As she walked away, Severus found himself struck by a sense of surprise that he had gotten off the hook so easily; thinking about it, he had to admit that he hadn't really expected Lily to forgive him. After all, Severus knew that he didn't deserve it, but he had tried in the hope that maybe he would be wrong...
Sixty then said aloud, seeming to be musing to herself as she did so, "I'm not quite sure why I forgave him so easily... Much like you, I was tired of trying to defend him to my friends, tired of how he refused to listen to me, and all but certain that there was no point in trying any longer... Maybe my Severus was right in what he said..."
Lily-prime looked at her in curiosity, then asked, "What did he say?"
Sixty smiled a secretive little smile, then said quietly, eyes anchored on Severus' as the scene changed slowly, "He told me that it was probably the most foolish thing he had ever heard of, because I did it without any hope at all... However, he had a smile on his face as he said this, and I swear to this day that he also whispered 'And it was the bravest...'."
Lily-prime had difficulty arguing with that assessment, and she wondered what 'her' Severus would say about her. How would she be remembered...?
Meanwhile, Severus promised himself that he would do something to make himself worthy of her forgiveness, even if he would never be worthy of anything more...
Time passed swiftly, but Lily-prime was distracted from watching the mirror by the words of Sixty.
"Just like with you, we continued in a state of Limbo; I myself was under the mistaken impression that Severus' growing bitterness and friendship with the Slytherins equated to evil, while Severus believed that the only way I would even consider him romantically was if he became a Death Eater, and until then he was unworthy of...anything really. Still, he did start behaving a bit better, stopping his use of the word 'Mudblood' and such. However, James and I started growing closer at the same time, although I refused to admit my attraction to Severus, James or even myself..."
Sixty paused, then continued quietly, "Although Severus and I both pretended that everything was fine, perhaps in the hopes that if we kept pretending then it would be fine, our friendship continued to deteriorate. However, one day I decided to confront him about his friends, as in the scene you are about to view...'
Indeed, the next scene came into view, showing Lily and Severus both standing near a tree by the lake. Tension could be seen written all over the girl's face, while Severus seemed to brace himself for some painful blow...
"Severus...this has to stop, one way or another..."
"What do you mean? What has to stop?"
"Didn't you hear about how last week Mulciber put Alexandra in the Hospital wing, AGAIN!? I mean, he's..." Lily trailed off, tired of having the same conversation again and again, and exhausted of how Severus would always defend him. It never seemed to end, as Severus was obstinate in refusing to confront the truth: no matter how good of friends Mulciber was to him, he was a sadistic, petty bully, and he was going to drag Severus down with him... 'All the way down to the Death Eaters...'
"He's what, Lily...?" Lily could hear the same exhaustion in Severus' voice that she felt; she didn't even know why he even pretended to listen to her anymore, as it was clear that none of her arguments had made a difference so far. If only Severus would get as angry about their bullying as he did about James and the Marauders...
Deciding to try a new approach, Lily then said coolly, keeping a close eye on his nervous face as she did so, "Severus, why do you tolerate Mulciber so much? Do you really think that it's all...how did you put it, 'just for laughs'!? I've tolerated your usage of Dark Magic because you don't use it to hurt anyone, but Mulciber...Mulciber enjoys hurting people! Admit it!"
Lily-prime rolled her eyes, then asked mockingly, far from impressed at Sixty's 'new approach', "That was your brilliant plan? Insulting Mulciber!? I spent months trying that, to no effect whatsoever!"
Sixty only smirked, before saying confidently, "Just keep watching. You'll see..."
Severus grabbed ahold of the tree-trunk, seemingly for support, but then said impatiently, "You wouldn't understand; you've never really taken the time to get to know him, but Arcturus Mulciber is actually a very good friend. I mean, a couple of months back he came to my defense when that prat POTTER was attempting to rearrange my face! Sure he has a few flaws, but..."
Lily then saw her chance and pounced, nodding as she said nonchalantly, "OK, I see your point; he has good traits that make up for his bad ones in your eyes, correct?" Severus nodded slowly, a wary look in his eyes, and Lily continued, "Well, in that case I'm sure you won't mind it if I were to make friends with or go out with James, right?"
Severus' eyes widened, then he started speaking frantically, almost shouting as Lily listened with a small smile on her face, "What's Potter have to do with anything!? And...and why would you even want to be friends with him, let alone DATE him!? He's an insensitive bully! An arrogant git! I mean, Arcturus has some good qualities, but you've never taken the time to get to know them-"
Lily then interrupted, saying coldly, "And how is that different from James? Sure, he hexes you all the time, puts you in the hospital wing now and again. But it's 'just a laugh', right? Just for your information, he can actually be a very nice person if you're friends with him. I mean, he and his parents took Sirius in when he was disowned by HIS own family, so if bullying other people is no big deal... Well then, why shouldn't I go out with him, he is cute and charming you know..."
Severus seemed to be searching for an argument as his eyes darted around wildly, but then they narrowed and he glared back at Lily, saying furiously, "From what I hear, you're pretty chummy with Potter already, so what does that make you? Nothing more than a bloody HYPOCRITE! Why should I have to give up MY friend if you aren't willing to even take your own advice!?"
"That's not...I'm not...URGH, give me a minute!" Lily spluttered for a moment while Severus smirked, then began to think quickly. Her relationship with James was confusing, even to her; on one level she rarely did anything more friendly than mildly-insulting banter with him, and frequently ignored him for days on end when he had done something particularly rotten. However, on another level, Lily had to admit that her heart started beating crazily half of the time he was around James.
Up until now, she had always avoided thinking about it whenever she could, but Severus was clearly forcing her to define her relationship with James. If Lily took her own advice and removed Severus' last excuse, then Severus would no longer be shackled to Mulciber and his friends, assuming that he stopped hanging out with them of course. However, if she did so, then she would never find out what that crazy leaping sensation in her chest when she was around James was about...
While Lily was still musing, Severus spoke up, saying carefully, "How about this? We both try to keep our respective 'friends' on the straight and narrow, but make it clear that until they shape up, we won't be spending time with them doing...anything. That would be Mulciber and Avery for me, as I'm not forgetting how much you dislike Avery either, and Potter, Black, Pettigrew and Lupin for you. Is that acceptable?"
Lily quickly nodded in agreement, then offered Severus her hand to shake, which he did with a small smirk. Meanwhile, Lily thought to herself, 'I like this deal; it's practically win-win. Either Sev gets Mulciber and Avery to shape up, like that's ever going to happen, or he has to give them up. If James 'loves me' as much as he claims, I'm sure that he will back off of Severus if he realizes how important it is to me, and that will get the rest of the Marauders off of his back!'
With a smirk identical to Severus', Lily let go of his hand, then left with a new spring in her step. As she made plans for just how she was going to persuade James to stop his mad anti-Snivellus campaign, Lily vaguely noticed that her hand suddenly felt a lot colder and emptier...
Sixty then chuckled oddly as the scene faded out, shaking her head in amusement while smiling widely. Lily-prime was confused until Sixty said with a strange laugh,
"You'll never believe how Severus got Mulciber and Avery to quit their bullying ways; the li'l git promised them the one thing that always works on boys their age: attractive girls. He went to a couple of Hufflepuff girls and offered to do their homework if they would date Avery and Mulciber for the duration, then he went to Avery and Mulciber and told him about two Hufflepuff girls who were dying to go out with them, but were scared off by their reputation as bullies!"
Eyes widening, Lily-prime then said in a tone of utter disbelief, "You're NOT serious. They fell for THAT!?"
Sixty nodded, smirking as she said while laughing in that same odd tone, "Well, Severus figured he could maintain the illusion at least until the end of term, as it was midway through the spring of our sixth year. You wouldn't believe what some guys are willing to do if they think it will net them a girlfriend at that age..." That strange laugh slowly turned into sobs as Sixty then whispered, tears falling from her eyes, "...How did something like that turn out so badly...?"
Lily-prime had a bad feeling all of a sudden, as she realized that the odd note she had heard in Sixty's laughter was a bitter one...
Several brief images passed by swiftly, but Lily-prime was distracted from paying attention to them by the story that Sixty told in a halting voice, no longer even looking at the mirror as she spoke.
"Soon after that day, a Hogsmeade visit day came by. All of my girlf-friends were busy with their significant others that day, so I asked S-Severus to take me, assuming it would be just a normal day in Hogsmeade b-between friends. However, Severus...misinterpreted it, thinking that I had asked him out on a d-date with him. It wasn't ro-romantic, not really, but he took me to a nice restuarant with all my favorite foods at the end of the trip- p-probably spending almost all of his pocket-money for the year on it..."
It was weird, but although tears were still running down her cheeks, she was smiling slightly as she continued,
"When we returned to Hogwarts, he gave me kiss on the lips; it wasn't my first, as I'd already kissed a boy once or twice before, and frankly his skill was truly awful... However, I'd never received a kiss that had so much emotion in it before, and I couldn't stop myself from kissing him back... We didn't get together then, but the next Hogsmeade visit I didn't even bother asking if my girlfriends wanted to come, as I wanted to see if it would be just as good as the first date."
Curious, Lily-prime couldn't stop herself from asking, although a feeling of dread was beginning to course through her as she did so, "And was it? Was it as good as the first date you two had?"
Sixty shook her head slowly, then said quietly, a small smile signifying a happy memory on her face,
"No...it was better, so much better that I made sure that we got together that very same day, and that everyone knew it too... James was hurt, but he hadn't actually stopped attacking Severus until after Severus and I got together, and it always seemed to be on a more physical level with him. You know? I mean, he was attractive and charming, but he hadn't really tried for an emotional connection at that point...still calling me 'Evans' after knowing each other for about seven years..."
Sixty then said in a voice that was so low that it was nearly a whisper, "But then something happened, and this scene was the result of it..."
"I...sorry? What was that?" Severus spoke in a voice he didn't recognize as his own, unable to comprehend what was happening as Lily looked at him with cold, pitiless eyes. Praying that this was a horrible nightmare, he pinched his left arm as hard as he possibly could, only to realize in a stunned sense of horror that this was not a dream; it was indeed horrible, but it was reality, a reality that was a scene out of his worst nightmares...
"Severus...I know that I tried denying it for a while, but the truth is that I love James Potter, and not you. I know that he used to bully you and such, but now that he's stopped...I've realized that he is my one, true love. Do you understand, or are you really as thick as James claims?" Lily spoke in a voice that was so cold that it resembled a river of ice, and her eyes were as two blocks of green ice. Meanwhile, the crowd gathered around them started whispering loudly, clearly intrigued by the latest bit of gossip.
Lily's eyes widened, shocked that Sixty could have ever said anything like that to Severus... She turned to look at her counterpart with a glare, but she was too riveted to the story to say anything, as it was much like the proverbial train-wreck...
"B-but...how? I thought that..." Although Severus was certain that he would be angry within a few hours, right now he was too gobsmacked to feel anything other than numbness, and his voice. Still, he tried one last effort to keep something, even if he couldn't stay in a relationship with her. He then said quietly, hoping that no-one else would hear the note of pleading in his voice, "Could...could we at least be friends afterward?"
Lily then spoke calmly, not even pretending to sound sympathetic, loudly enough that everyone in the crowd heard her with ease, "Sorry, 'Sev', but it would just be too awkward, you know? I mean, James shouldn't have to spend all of his time looking over his shoulder, worried about my ex. Isn't that right, James?"
James looked confused, although jubiliation was slowly growing on his face as he said, "Err, yeah, that sounds about right, Lily."
Lily then smiled happily, saying to Severus even as she looked into James' eyes, "You see? Now run along, OK Snape?"
While Severus watched in a state of shock, Lily then pulled James' head down to hers and kissed his lips thoroughly, before opening them to give him an in-depth snogging... Even as Severus felt his heart shattering into pieces without count, he heard the sound of the crowd cheering dimly around him, not caring that he got his heart shattered with the Head Boy and Head Girl getting together in front of them. It was like a warped version of a scene from one of Lily's 'romantic' movies, where the bad guy got dumped, and everyone cheered on the hero as he kissed the girl...
Lily-prime felt relief for a moment that she had never done something like that, even when she had started dating James. She had always shown...discretion with James, and it gladdened her greatly that Severus had never had to witness her snogging him... This had to be a nightmare beyond Severus' imagination...
Suddenly the numbness surrounding Severus' thoughts seemed to shatter, leaving behind only pain as the girl he loved but who didn't love him kissed his worst enemy passionately, having thrown Severus away like a piece of garbage. Tears starting to flow from his eyes, Severus fled before anyone could notice anything but their joy at the 'perfect couple' finally getting together, not even knowing where he was fleeing to but knowing that anything could be better than watching his world shatter before his eyes.
Finally, Severus seemed to regain consciousness in a little alcove he had always liked to hide in, behind one of the many Hogwarts suits of armor. It almost felt like a dream...until Severus felt the pain in his left arm, and saw the blood oozing from where he had pinched it, pressing so hard that it had broken the skin and started bleeding. 'It's real...Lily has finally left me, like Potter always said she would...'
He had been afraid that this would happen for a while now, knowing that eventually Lily would realize how he was little more than gutter trash, but Severus had prepared himself long ago for the pain that he now felt...
"Severus, are you...OK?" It was Celeste Greengrass, the girl that he had rescued from Avery's clutches last week. She looked at him with a look of kindness-filled concern, apparently the only person that had noticed his panicked flight from that hellish nightmare outside on the Hogwarts grounds...
Severus glared at her, then shouted furiously, "OK!? Of course I'm OK! I'm just bloody spiffing perfect, now leave me alone, just LEAVE ME ALONE!" For a moment, Severus successfully glared hatefullyat the blond-haired girl before him, but he had already lost the battle against his tears and his voice followed it. As such, he was only able to whisper, "Please...just go..."
"Severus, maybe...maybe if she knew how you felt, it might make her change her mind..." The girl bit her lip, tears falling from her brilliantly-blue eyes, then she continued, "I could even tell her...about that day, if it helps..."
Severus looked at Celeste for a moment, considering what she said, but in the end he said coldly, "Don't bother, it won't make a difference; it never would have made a difference. Besides..." He then continued in a bitter, mocking tone of voice, "...I'd never want to interfere with her and her 'true love'. Promise me you won't tell her, Celeste, please..." Severus said the last bit with a touch of pleading audible in his voice...
"But mayb-"
"PROMISE ME!"
"...Alright, I promise that I won't tell Lily under any cicrumstance, OK?"
As Severus nodded, Celeste gave him a light hug, then walked slowly away. Severus' tears then returned, flowing harder and faster than before . He had prepared himself long ago for the pain that he now felt...but that didn't mean that it hurt him any less, as he had made Lily his everything, especially since he had destroyed any possibility of reconciliation with the Death Eaters last week...
Even through his pain, Severus knew he would have to apologize to Celeste for how he had reacted tomorrow; just because he had been hurt horrendously didn't mean that Celeste was hurting any less... At least his pain hadn't been physical pain, like hers had been... Severus was used to pain after all, in all its forms...
Lily-prime stood rigid as the scene began to fade out, panting in the effort it took to keep herself from trying to furiously bash Sixty's head against a solid object until her brains oozed out. Several minutes went by in silence, as Lily was too busy trying not to erupt in fury...
Finally, she turned toward her counterpart, grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her like a rag doll, roaring in rage as she shouted, "What the hell is wrong with you!? You disgusting excuse for...I HAVE NO WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW HORRIBLE YOU ARE! Sev...Severus loved you...and you MANGLED his heart! Nothing I've done even remotely compares to just how DISGUSTING this is! Why the HELL would you even THINK of hurting him like that!?"
Sixty then laughed bitterly, saying coldly as she backed away from the near-mad Lily-prime, tears and self-hatred both visible on her face, "It was because of the biggest mistake of my life, a mistake so vast that I doubt you can even comprehend it, but perhaps you will understand if you see the reasons...even if he still didn't deserve it... After all, we both made the same sort of mistake several times, but at least I managed to correct them...
Glaring at her counterpart once more but deciding to pause for the moment and see what she meant, Lily-prime prepared to watch the continuation of this time-line with a sense of utter rage, surprising even herself just how deep it ran at the idea of hurting Severus like this...
Lily-prime knew that time was passing in the mirror, although Sixty wasn't saying anything at all for the time being, but she found that she couldn't care in her present state. Though she had slowly grown to greatly regret how she had given up on Severus so easily in her time-line, it boggled her mind how her counterpart could have thrown him away like an overused pair of shoes.
Glaring at her near-reflection once more, Lily-prime mused to herself,'At least I had something occur that made my choice understandable; what she did was monstrous...but she did say that she corrected it somehow... How could it have been the result of a mistake though? It's obvious that she wasn't even pretending to be merciful to him...'
Sixty then started speaking once more, saying softly as she looked sadly at the swirling mirror,
"Although I had given up on Severus, at least one good thing had come from our relationship at the time, or so I thought. He had managed to show me that it was possible to get the other 'future Death-Eaters' to change, with his success with Mulciber and Avery and my success with him. Building on the same idea that had worked with Severus personally, and getting assistance from Slughorn and Dumbledore, I then began a kind of...campaign. The idea was to get Slytherin to change its tune and join 'the good guys'... I doubt that they would have listened to me, but James and Sirius DID tag along to help out, and since they were purebloods...you get the idea."
Sixty paused for a moment, then continued with a slight smile, "Although I was far from completely successful, I think that I was able to achieve something that led to a great change in the long run. Thanks to my efforts, a great many Death Eaters changed sides after Voldemort started showing his true colors..."
Her smile faded as she then started speaking in a voice that reminded Lily-prime of how Severus had always referred to time spent with his father, a tone that expressed sheer loathing and quiet fury all in one, "Meanwhile, James and I started dating after my break-up with Severus as you saw, although it wasn't real at first... Still, he kinda grew on me; you know how it is... This scene took place in the Spring of my seventh year, after I had really started dating James..."
And indeed, the mirror had reformed into a scene out on the Hogwarts grounds, with Lily, James, Mary and the other Marauders sitting down by the lake...
"So, how did your Charms class go, Lily? We had...other committments, so the four of us cut class." Lily looked at James reproachfully, but he still smirked as he saw her lips quirk slightly in amusement. However, James knew that it wouldn't stop her from trying to convince him that he should have been more 'responsible'.
"Indeed, Prongs, there was a bit of roast pork held captive in the kitchens that just HAD to be liberated. How could we possibly attend classes while facing such a crisis?" As Sirius said this in a tone of utter seriousness, belied by the smile threatening to break out on his face, Remus sighed. Meanwhile, Lily glared at Sirius and looked as if she were about to respond, but Remus beat her to it.
"Padfoot, perhaps it wasn't the best of our ideas, as now we're going to have to turn in our homework late again...and James' Head Boy badge wasn't supposed to be used to get us out of trouble for such ridiculous stunts..." Remus spoke in a tired voice, and James felt a twinge of sympathy for him as it was close to THAT time of the month, but Remus was so...strait-laced much of the time. In Peter's opinion, he REALLY needed to get laid...
Peter then laughed, almost giggling as he said cheerily, "At least the rest of Gryffindor gets to eat, eh Padfoot? Besides," He patted his rather-round stomach, "I was starving, and if it hadn't been for the food I might not have made- Hey, look over there! It's SNIVELLUS!" Peter pointed, still laughing, over at the Slytherin boy who had just walked out of the castle.
James cursed mentally as Lily abruptly stiffened at Peter's words, then started looking as if she wanted to cry, thanks to the mere mention of HIS name. Even now, months after the break-up, Lily still broke into crying jags some of the time when she thought that no-one was looking. James truly hated it, but there was nothing he could do but remind her that what happened was NOT her fault, and that it was Snape's fault what had happened...
Forcing a smile, James then said with fake cheerfulness, patting Lily soothingly on the shoulders as he did so, "Why don't the six of us go inside? It's getting kinda muggy, and I'll bet that the house-elves have some great food in the kitchen..."
Lily nodded without saying a word, walking away without even looking at the Slytherin freak, completely missing the look of broken longing visible in Snape's eyes as she swiftly strode past the boy. James glared at Snape and pushed him out of the way as the rest of the Marauders and Mary followed, matching glares on their faces. Mary then spoke to Peter angrily, just barely audible to James as he tried to keep up with his girlfriend,
"You moronic IDIOT! Don't you know better than to use any varient of the S-word around Lily!? She's still messed up about how she caught him cheating her with Celeste! You do remember that she was actually ready to admit that she was IN LOVE with the disgusting little prat, right!?"
James glared back at Snape once more, furious at him again. 'How the hell could she have fallen 'in love' with such a Dark arts-obsessed little CREEP like that!? Well, at least it led to one good thing; now Lily's with me, and Snape will never bother her again as long as she lives, not if I have anything to say about it. He may not have cheated on her, but he still never deserved her!'
Lily-prime stared at the scene before her in confusion, anger dissipating as she tried to grasp what it all meant, but Sixty had already started speaking. Glaring at James hatefully, Sixty then said quietly, words coming slowly as if she had to struggle to say them,
"I didn't actually catch him cheating, like in person or anything, but I had put together what I thought were all the pieces. I had discovered that he had been spending a couple of hours with Celeste every week or two for months, and when he disappeared with her from Hogsmeade one night, only for both of them to arrive back in Hogwarts the next morning in the same clothes they had left in...let's just say that I had all the proof I needed to declare him guilty..."
Feeling a great sense of foreboding, hurt at the very idea that Severus would cheat on any of her counterparts, Lily-prime then asked in an almost whisper, "And was he? Was Severus really cheating on you?"
Sixty then laughed bitterly, echoing through the emptiness for several seconds, before saying, "Severus had no idea that anyone even thought that he COULD have been cheating on me, let alone that he had supposedly done so. It completely shocked him when I offered him my forgiveness a couple of years later, as he had no idea what I was even talking about..."
Lily-prime was surprised at this, only capable of blurting out stupidly "Didn't you ever accuse him of cheating on you or anything ask him or something? I mean, what was the harm it could have done just to ask?"
Sixty only whispered wryly, her eyes locked on Lily-prime's own, saying, "Then why didn't you...? Why didn't you ask Severus...?"
Lily-prime couldn't understand what Sixty meant, but had a feeling that it was something big...
In the mirror, time started to pass by more quickly, probably a couple of years all in all. Meanwhile, Sixty started speaking, apparently having forgotten the strange question she had just asked Lily-prime,
"Over time, the pain from Severus' 'cheating on me' slowly healed, although it still hurt whenever James would try to spend time with a female friend... Let's just say that after my best friend had betrayed me in such a way, WHILE dating me, I could believe it of anyone. It got to the point that I couldn't sleep whenever James was hanging out in female company. Still, I eventually was able to start trusting again, and I fell in love with him at about the same time... We were even engaged to be married..."
As Sixty paused in reminiscence, Lily-prime asked carefully, sure that the answer wouldn't be a good one,"You 'were' engaged to be married? What happened?"
Sixty then said coldly, a single furious tear sliding down her right cheek, "I finally got to the point that I was able to talk to Severus without wanting to burst into tears, so I decided to confront him about what he had done, trying to get some closure at least. I did it the day of the wedding, wanting to get some closure... As I already mentioned, he had no idea what I was talking about. At first, I thought he was lying, telling him about how I had seen him and Celeste apparating..."
As Lily-prime watched, Sixty then growled out, her words bitten off in her fury, "Severus then told me something that Celeste had told him, something that I wanted to believe was false. However, I could tell that it was true when I looked in his eyes... I then went to confront James, as you will see in the next scene..."
Lily-prime then turned back, her own blood beginning to boil as the scene in the mirror turned into that of James in his house, having just finished putting on a tuxedo...
Suddenly the doors slammed open, and Lily walked into the room furiously, clad in a slightly-dirty, white wedding dress. James seemed to shrink back slightly, eyes widening in surprise, probably because Lily had been the one harping on about how it was bad luck to see her in her dress. On the other hand, perhaps it was because of the anger that Lily could feel on her face, twisting it into a glower...
Swallowing, James then attempted to crack a joke, although he was clearly nervous even as he teased, "So, I can see by the mud on your sleeves that you just couldn't wait to see me, eh Lily?"
Lily's eyes hardened, then she said slowly, in a deadly tone of voice, "I went to see Severus today, you know, to get some closure on what happened. Guess what he told me when I accused him?"
James quickly replied angrily, although Lily couldn't help but see the fear in his eyes as he did so, making her feel even more sure of her conclusions, "And how could you possibly trust HIM!? Don't you remember how he betrayed you and everything your friendship was based on, just to go shag a fifth-year!? He was lying, isn't it obvious!?"
"James, I didn't even say what he said yet...and he didn't shag a fifth-year, as YOU KNEW VERY WELL! Severus didn't find out until after a while after the fact, but Celeste told you right after the break-up...told you about how that night they were 'cheating', he had been taking her to St. Mungo's, BECAUSE SHE HAD BEEN RAPED BY AVERY!" As Lily accused him, she watched James face closely, desperately searching it for any signs of innocence or guilt that were hiding in it...
However, it soon became apparent that Lily didn't have to watch James so closely, as his face then purpled as he shouted furiously, "I can't BELIEVE this! That happened THREE BLOODY YEARS AGO, yet it's still important to you because it is that stupid SNIVELLUS SNAPE! I've spent years of my life trying to show you that I was the better man, far better than that slimy Slytherin, and now you are going to forgive him because that ONE TIME he was innocent!?"
Lily's mouth fell open as James continued his rant, apparently having spent years with this building up, eyes blazing as he roared,
"I mean, ever since he got off the train, all I've been hearing is 'Sev did this.', 'He's worth twelve of you, Potter, even if he is a Slytherin.' and 'Severus would know this...'. Hell, he's been hoping to join You-Know-Who since he got to Hogwarts I'll bet, and you were STILL thinking that he was just 'confused'! Here I was declaring how much I bloody loved you for YEARS, and you went straight to him the second you had the first opportunity! He would have ruined you if...!"
He paused and swallowed there, before walking up to Lily slowly and looking at her sadly. James then gripped her by the shoulders, so tightly that it hurt, and almost whispered as he looked at her pleadingly,
"If I hadn't done it, then you would have never given me a chance; Lily, I love you ten times more than what Snape ever could, but you always chose him over me... I just wanted one chance to prove myself, and I got the opportunity of a lifetime for it through a bit of a misunderstanding, but is it really so wrong? You fell in love with me, don't deny it. Don't leave me for something so small as this...please forgive me..."
Part of Lily wanted to forgive James at the end of this impassioned speech, it really did, but...she couldn't. It wasn't just a one-time lie, or one mistake like he was trying to claim, but an endless cycle of deception...and he had known just how much the thought that Severus had cheated on her had hurt her even as he deceived her; even now the fear of betrayal was still there, as if her best friend could betray her like that, then anyone could...
As she looked at James, Lily tried to memorize his face, wanting to remember the moment even if she didn't know how she felt about it. She was just too numb still to process it, but her hands started shaking slightly as they clutched her wedding gown, before whispered to the man standing before her,
"James, do you know why Celeste went to you instead of talking to anyone else before she transferred? I mean, your hatred of Severus was infamous throughout Hogwarts, so do you know why she went to you?" James shook his head in confusion, It was because I was holed up in Gryffindor tower from when Severus and I broke up until the end of term, crying constantly and barely even leaving my bed... More importantly though, she knew that everyone in Gryffindor hated Severus...and she trusted that you would tell me the truth because you loved me..."
As Lily-prime watched, she was strongly reminded of how James had never stopped attacking Severus, no matter how much she begged him...
Lily then paused for a moment as James looked away guiltily, wishing that he had somehow chosen a different path rather than one of deception... Tears falling down her cheeks as she began to sob, Lily then said in a steadily rising voice, one which swiftly grew hysterical,
"James, I'm not leaving you for Severus; hell, I don't even know if he will forgive me anyway, let alone consider a re-relationship... H-how-however, I am leaving you."
James started to protest, but Lily quickly spoke over him, speaking loudly enough that she couldn't hear his words even as her own started to break up with her tear-filled sobs,
"Lily, I-"
"When I was crying, barely able to eat or sleep, thinking that I was worthless because my boy-boyfriend had been cheating on me with another woman..." Lily stopped, then said in a voice that sounded like the cry of a wounded animal, "...y-you saw 'the opportunity of a LIFETIME! Because of what hap-happened, I've spent Y-YEARS wondering if you would one day leave me for some other woman, if I would one day be left alone ag-again because I wasn't g-good enough..."
James interjected swiftly, trying to put a hand on Lily's shoulder to placate her as he said "I would never do any-", but she threw it off of her even as he did so.
Covering her ears so she wouldn't have to hear him, Lily then cried out, "How could you, James!? You saw all this...and you didn't care, only seeing your 'opportunity'! You saw your chance to win me, and you played me until you had won me, like I was some kind of trophy! That is what I can't forgive!"
As James opened his mouth, possibly to deny everything, Lily simply said "Goodbye, James." and disapparated...unable to speak to him, and unwilling to listen to excuses for something which in her mind wasn't excuseable...
Lily-prime wondered if her James would have done the same thing, given the opportunity, as there were subtle differences between each of the people that she saw... If given the same option to win her over instead of his rival, would James have taken it? For that matter, would Severus have taken it? She didn't know, but suspected that Severus wouldn't have, even if it was just because he seemed to believe that he didn't deserve her... Her James...she didn't know either, and was unwilling to guess...
However, Lily-prime's musing was interrupted by Sixty's voice. She said simply, "James did try to ask me to forgive him again for several weeks, to his credit...but I've always had a hard time forgiving when it really hurt me, and as I said in that scene, he saw my tears and saw only victory... Even though he tried to keep pursuing me though, he soon came to believe that I had been cheating on him with Severus all along... Needless to say, he was furious, and did his best to make me seem the whore to all of our peers..."
Sixty then growled as she continued, clenching her hand into a fist as she said venomously, hate blazing in her eyes as she spoke, "Let's just say that James then made all of our friends choose between being friends with me and being friends with him, and you can guess which his 'Marauders' chose...although Mary stuck by me, even if part of the was to avoid Sirius."
Sixty then lapsed into a brooding silence, which lasted for nearly a minute before being broken when Lily-prime asked curiously, wondering about what had happened afterward, "And what happened with Severus? Did he forgive you...quickly that is? Did you even go to see him after your break-up with James"
Sixty looked back at the mirror, chuckling slightly in remembrance, then said with a small smile playing on her lips, "Yes to both questions, but it wasn't anything that even remotely resembled easy to get him to forgive me, as you might see in the next scene..."
As the scene in the mirror shifted to that of Severus' home in Spinner's End, Sixty spoke with a rueful chuckle,
"After attempting to drown my sorrows in cheap beer, still dressed in my soon-to-be-ratty wedding gown, I went to Spinner's End to try and talk to Severus. Well...it didn't go that well. In fact, that is probably the understatement of the century. He didn't even bother to answer the doorbell, no matter how much I tried to shout my apologies, and even made it so his wards sent me flying every time I even touched the front door's doorknob. I hadn't been that humiliated since he had called me a Mudblood."
Lily-prime opened her mouth to speak, then closed it without saying anything. Although it was harsh, Lily-prime couldn't blame Severus for his response, not really. Sixty had hurt him in a way that nobody deserved to be hurt, and she hadn't even bothered to tell him why... If it had been justifiable for Lily-prime to give up on Severus after he had insulted her, even after showing her how sorry he truly was, then this Severus had at least ten times as good a reason for not forgiving Sixty...
As if reading her mind, Sixty then spoke solemnly, "Nonetheless, it really wasn't anything more than I deserved; James may have lied to me and allowed me to believe that Severus had betrayed me...but that hadn't been until after the fact. I had single-handily decided that he was guilty, and hadn't even bothered to get his side of the story, although I had thought that I was being merciful by giving Severus a week to confess...before I took a jackhammer to his heart..." She then paused, before admitting, "Really, if I were in his shoes, I would never have forgiven me. He had no intentions of doing so either at first, but he had one weakness that made it possible for me to eventually get him to give it to me..."
Lily-prime raised her eyebrows in surprise, asking curiously, "What weakness was that?"
Looking back at her with pained eyes, Sixty then whispered sadly, "In spite of all that I had done to him, Severus still thought in the depths of his soul that he had deserved every bit of it, just not for the reason that it happened... If it weren't for his self-loathing, then he would probably have never forgiven me..."
Silence then filled the air, as there was nothing to say...
Severus sighed as he looked over at the front door, his hair disheveled and eyes red from both tears -not that he would ever admit it- and lack of sleep. Lily had just appeared in his door yesterday, offering him forgiveness for something he hadn't done and would never have even thought of: cheating on her. Severus had been absolutely stunned at the time, that she would even think him capable of it. True, he wasn't a very good man, but he would NEVER have betrayed her like that. After he had told her this, hissing angrily, Lily had looked at him in blank shock and left...
During the time she had been gone though, Severus' surprise had changed to hurt, and then to anger and fury. In the end, he had come to a simple decision: he would no longer waste his time with Lily, no longer being friends with and supporting her, and he would no longer love her. SHE had been just like everyone else who had abandoned him, like his mother and his Slytherin friends. He had thought that maybe she would be different, that she wouldn't leave him alone in the dark.
Clearly he had been mistaken.
However, for whatever reason, Lily had returned to his front door last night and had begged him for forgiveness. Was she mocking him, wanting his friendship now that her marriage with Potter had apparently fallen through? How much did she believe he could take? After all that happened… She didn't even invite him to her wedding…not that he would have gone, but…
Was the friendship of half a lifetime that fragile? Was this doomed from the start?
'Probably. It was foolish of me to even think that anyone would want to be friends with me... None of my school-friends even come around anymore. No surprise really, as I got a good pureblood in trouble when I turned Avery over to the Aurors. So why should Lily want to be friends with me? No-one else does... Yes, it is best that I didn't try to repair things; it would have only delayed the inevitable, and made it more painful...'
Sighing once more, Severus walked over to the front door and listened for any sound, wondering if Lily was still there. When he heard nothing, he nodded calmly, as it had been just as he had predicted: Lily must have left sometime during the night, and he was alone once more. Still... 'At least I wasn't abandoned this time...'
He couldn't help but feel a twinge of pain that this was the case, that she had left, but he ignored it. If he allowed himself to feel pain every time someone disappointed him...
Deciding to check and see if the Daily Prophet had arrived, Severus opened the door calmly. However, he quickly had to jump back in surprise, as a body fell to the floor. The body turned out to be Lily, who had apparently been propped against the door in her sleep, perhaps waiting for him. Severus' instincts took over and he casted a cushioning charm before her head hit the ground.
"Ooof!" Lily grunted in surprise, apparently not having been prepared for a sudden awakening. However, she immediately stood up, and Severus felt his eyes widen in shock. Her eyes were bloodshot, dried tear tracts decorated her face, her hair was in disarray, and her wedding dress was absolutely covered in mud. In fact, the sight was more than a little intimidating, so Severus quickly took another step backwards as tears started flowing from her eyes once more.
"I'm sorry, Sev, I never Knew! I thought...well I saw her there, thanking you for being there the whole night... I-I'm sorry! I should have told you later that night I know, but..." Severus hated how even now, after she had ripped his heart out, stomped on it, then rammed a knife into it, he still had to stop himself from trying pathetically to comfort her as she cried in front of him. Still, he couldn't forgive her for what she had done, what she had believed him capable of...
Severus gathered his courage, then glared down at her and said coldly, not allowing the slightest trace of pity into his voice,
"You said it before, Lily, and as I told you before, It isn't about you knowing or not knowing, Lily, you never even TRIED to talk to me or confront me about it. And then you were shouting about how you wanted to date a REAL man to the bloody rooftops! What was I supposed to think!?"
"I-I didn-"
Not wanting to listen to her, Severus plowed on angrily, putting his face less than a few inches away from her as he shouted at the top of his lungs, "Admit it, that was only an excuse to break up with me, wasn't it!? If it wasn't "Spending the night" with Celeste, It would have been something else! You were looking for any excuse to dump me and to end our friendship, because I wasn't BLOODY POTTER! If it wasn't that, then the reason would have been talking with Narcissa, or spending time with my housemates! I never looked at Celeste that way, and I don't think that she was interested in me either!"
Lily spoke timidly, backing away with fear in her eyes as she tried to defend herself, sobs growing in number with every word, "James l-lied to me, Severus! He said that you bra-brag-bragged about Celeste, th-that…"
Severus' temper flared, and he cut her explanation short and roared out angrily, "It never was about Potter and his stupid lies! Lily, it was about trust between us! You taught me that! If you can't trust your best friend, who can!? You were my best friend Lily, above all. I…I don't know what "Friend" means to you, Lily, but I've never betrayed you! NEVER! When you told me that you believed that… It hurt, Lily, it hurt so much! And then you just hopped right into bloody Potter's arms, not even bothering to-"
Lily almost shrieked as she interrupted, huddling on the ground as she yelled, "I Never knew Sev… James tricked me! James lied to ME! Please, you have to believe me! I know that I should have-"
"Lily! Didn't you hear what I was saying!? It was never about POTTER! It was about trust! You never trusted me after I got into Slytherin, always believing them over me when it wasn't happen right in front of your bloody FACE, and I was supposed to be your "best" friend! This situation was NOT Potter's fault and YOU KNOW IT! IT WAS YOURS!"
'Did Severus think the same thing about me? That I didn't trust him because he was a Slytherin...?' Lily-prime wondered, then asked herself a more troubling question, 'Was he right...?"
Lily's eyes widened, her lips trembled. She couldn't seem to do anything but open and close her mouth as she wrapped her arms around herself, now in a fetal position.
"I never wanted to hurt you, Sev, believe me please!!" She shrieked in anguish. Severus stopped. She just looked up at him, green eyes almost as dark as his black ones thanks to the lack of light in them, like a supplicant that had nothing more to loose. From her position in the dirty floorboards, her tear stained face was grotesque, although at least she was no longer crying. She looked hideous, like some THING that was barely even recognizable as Lily Evans...
And finally, she surrendered, whispering aloud, "You are right, Severus. You are right..."
Severus leaned back in shock. He had expected her to burst into tears, shout at him, get angry at him, anything but admit that she was wrong. 'How is that possible? Well, she just run out on her wedding with Potter... Something very strange must be going with Lily's head... Still, her admitting she is wrong... It may happen, but maybe once a year, maybe...'
Meanwhile, Lily whispered,
"You are right... and I'm really sorry, Sev. I'm so sorry... I'm sorry I did not trust you, I'm sorry I didn't talk to you when I know I should have. I'm sorry I ran out on our friendship. It's just...I was in love with you, and I thought that...I thought that you didn't care about me... It hurt, it hurt like nothing I had experienced, before it or since... I couldn't bear the idea of you cheating on me, so...so I tried to hurt you like you had hurt me. I thought that if you thought that it wasn't because you were cheating on me...then it would hurt you as much as you had hurt me..."
Lily-prime listened without saying anything, recognizing the same sort of feeling she had felt when Severus had called her...'Mudblood' that day, although she suspected that her counterpart in this time-line must have even more hurt. After all, Lily-prime hadn't been in love with Severus when it happened...
Lily was crying again, sounding desperate and broken... Her green eyes were dilated, and with rings under her eyes, her face flushed, and her matted red hair still adorned with the white tiara of her wedding dress, they made the entire image surreal. Severus couldn't look away, and he felt his anger fade away for the moment, with Lily's tear-streaked face gazing up at him...
"I'm s-sorry... Please...give me another chance, I'll d-do anything, p-please, Sev, I... Only your friendship... I...I won't ask for more, I'll promise I'll never hurt you again. I'll even s-swear the unbreakable vow, Please...forgive me... I'll do anything Sev... I will never talk again to Potter, I...I...beg of you... Please..."
Severus slowly looked at the miserable woman, in her dirty wedding dress, crying in the entrance of his house. He gazed at the morning sun that was slowly rising in the horizon. After all this, after what she did to him, was really a doubt of what he should do? Of course not. Without hesitation he entered back into the house, not even looking back. He could hear Lily's sobs increase in volume from the still open door.
He returned shortly, gave her an old, ratty, pale blue housecoat, old with age, although clean, and a couple of cups of coffee. Severus knew that the coffee wasn't very good, as he generally preferred tea. Still though, Lily drank it down as if it were ambrosia while smiling up at him. Uncomfortable at how emotional the situation had become, Severus then grunted out, "Well, you should clean yourself up now, Lily... You are...rather hideous at the moment actually..."
Severus allowed Lily back inside the house, and he knew that his heart would soon follow suit... He just couldn't stay mad at her if she was really sorry, and serious about what she would do to get his forgiveness...although Severus would never make her swear an Unbreakable Vow...as nothing was worth her death...
Lily's tears didn't stop for a little while, but even so, Severus could tell that she was smiling... He was glad for this...
As the scene faded, Lily-prime was unable to speak, still touched by what she had witnessed. However, Sixty had taken care of the silence herself, saying contentedly while smiling,
"And so the first step was taken to restore our friendship. Mind you, it took me days to make him forgive me, wakes until he was ready to call me a friend again, and MONTHS before we were best friends again... Hell, it was harder dealing with him than at any other point in ANY of the times in the friendships of your time-line OR that of our counterparts! Half the time, he would blow up for the stupidest of reasons, and he wouldn't speak with me for days on end!"
Lily-prime asked curiously, thinking of similar, although probably lesser moments in her time-line, "And why would that be?"
No longer smiling, Sixty hung her head and said quietly, "Do you remember one of his thoughts in the scene we just witnessed, the one where he thought he had chased me away with those wards and by ignoring me? He thought that 'at least I wasn't abandoned this time'... By chasing me away, it meant to him that I couldn't abandon him...that it gave him some form of control..."
Lily-prime, not knowing anything else to say, blurted out, "That's...that's positively mad!"
Sixty merely shrugged, then said quietly, "And to someone like Severus...it makes perfect sense... If it's his fault that bad things happen, then he doesn't suffer for no reason..."
Unable to think of a response, Lily-prime merely sat in silence, thinking about what Sixty had just said...
In the mirror, time flowed on, much more swiftly than before; it appeared that several years had passed, and Lily-prime noticed the pendent that was on Sixty even in the afterlife was placed delicately on her counterpart's neck. She was sitting alone in a comfortable brown armchair in what appeared to be a cheap yet well taken care of apartment, glaring moodily down the hall, towards a door that was shut with a green shirt hanging over the doorknob...
Meanwhile, Sixty spoke, "Unlike in your time-line, there was no prophecy, and Voldemort eventually was able to gain control of the Ministry of Magic. Still, the war was far from over, as it neatly flipped the strategical advantages of the good guys and the bad guys. Although Voldemort had the Ministry under his pale thumb, he had to spread his Death Eaters everywhere in order to maintain order and prevent revolts, as Dumbledore and the Order were still at large."
She then smirked, before saying proudly, "Although my efforts back in school and earlier in the war in order to get the Slytherins to join us didn't pan out immediately, once they realized that the Order was ready and willing to help them, a lot of the less-zealous Death Eaters left in droves. It eventually led to one of the biggest intelligence blowouts in the war, as even with Peter Pettigrew on Voldemort's side at first, that was nothing compared to what we discovered when Regulus Black defected. Thanks to him, we found out about Voldemort's little Horcrux project..."
Lily-prime raised her eyebrows, unsure as to what Sixty was referring to, only for her to explain in an ominous tone, "With any of his Horcruxes alive, Voldemort could be resurrected even from death, and he had six of them. It made it so that killing him would be a very difficult task indeed, as he had guarded each of them thoroughly, although not perfectly..."
Sixty then spoke in a lighter tone of voice, waving an arm at the scene in the mirror, "Nonetheless, life went on, even in the middle of a war like that. Severus and I became roommates, both of us forced to move, me because of James' anger and Severus because we joined the Order of the Phoenix. Still, it was relatively easy to hide in Muggle London, as long as we were careful not to break the Taboo on Voldemort's name."
Interested at the frown that appeared on Sixty's face as she spoke of her and Severus becoming roommates, Lily-prime then asked in curiosity, "Err, were the two of you just roommates, or were you 'living together' as in...you know?"
"You'll just have to watch and see..." Sixty said as she smirked slightly, although she still seemed disgruntled about something...
Meanwhile, Lily-prime turned to the mirror once more, watching...
'Sometimes...I really hate that I love him... It would be so much easier if we were just friends...especially when he's shagging Celeste like he is now!' Lily idly wondered if the green shirt's signifying 'do not disturb' applied when Severus was doing the disturbing. Severus was always very careful to keep quiet when he had 'company', but just because Lily couldn't hear him didn't mean that she didn't know exactly what he was doing.
Lily could even picture it now, even though the two of them had never actually done the deed, having intended to wait until marriage before sleeping together when the two of them had a relationship; Severus wouldn't be a particularly tender lover, as he had always been far too passionate when riled up, much like Lily herself. However, he would keep his ironclad self-control, dominating his 'victim's' body and mind as he dragged them into a world of screaming bliss...unless they were equally strong willed.
'Another good reason why CELESTE isn't the one who should be in there!' Lily thought to herself peevishly.
Lily-prime felt her eyes twitch slightly. She did not enjoy the thought of Severus shagging...anyone else really. She had thought that, like Sixty had implied, she and Severus would get together in this time-line. However, that didn't appear to be the case...
Lily then sighed heavily, glaring at the door to Severus' room once more as if it were the one at fault; unfortunately, given the state of the fight against Voldemort, it would have been rather stupid to go outside of their heavily-guarded home...and Lily was frankly too nice to interrupt Severus during his 'moment', as it was probably one of the few moments of happiness that he ever had during this blasted war.
'Still, he shouldn't be doing that with HER when he could be doing it with-' Lily cut herself off from that line of thought abruptly, shaking her head to clear it of any jealous thoughts. The redheaded woman had lost the right to be envious of whoever Severus was interested in having in his bed a long time ago, and even though Severus had forgiven her, that didn't mean that Lily would ever forget what she had done... She would never forget how it had been her own foolishness which had cost her everything and cost him so much pain...
Besides, even though she didn't like the idea of Severus being with anyone else, Lily greatly cherished their friendship. It was one of the reasons that she hadn't made a move yet, as she just couldn't bear the thought of ANOTHER disastrous romance destroying it once again.
'Besides, he does seem to like Celeste...although that might just be because she has blond hair, blue eyes, and a pair of 'D-grade' knockers that every male would love to get their hands on!' Lily snarked mentally, then sighed. 'Not that it matters anyway. Who would want the redheaded idiot who screwed them over when they can get the woman who is now the hottest model in the Wizarding World!? Heck, the odds of her even being REMOTELY interested in him had to be a thousand to one! Stupid Avery, stupid Severus, stupider ME!'
"Lily...? What are you doing up so late?"
Severus had apparently finished up while she had been mulling things over, as he was now looking at her curiously from the door of his room, dressed in only a faded green bathrobe. He was clearly exhausted, and Lily hesitated to think about how he had gotten that way. The idea of Severus, naked and sweaty with another woman was...actually something of a turn-on, if only because it had her picturing Severus.
Realizing that he was still waiting for her answer, Lily shrugged. "Just patrol duty with Remus. It wasn't too bad, just tiring, although I do wish he would talk to me though..."
Severus didn't say anything, but Lily could see a flash of sadness in his eyes, and knew that he understood why she would feel hurt at that. Still silent, he slowly walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder, which Lily leaned into. Although thin and pale, it was warm and provided a comfort that would have been absent with words alone. Nonetheless, it wasn't Remus who was causing her to feel hurt, but the man comforting her for it...
Lily forced a smile, then got up, whispering as she withdrew from his touch, "Don't worry, Sev, I'll be fine. I just need some time alone to myself, that's all..." Although Severus was trying to comfort her, and succeeded in some ways, it wasn't in the way that Lily wanted. She wanted him to touch her as a lover, not just as his best friend...
At that, Severus cleared his throat awkwardly, then tried to put a arm around her. Lily threw it off though, not trusting herself to keep her touch platonic. "Are you sure that you're alright? I mean..."
"I'm FINE... Just..." Lily trailed off, unable to mistake the hurt look in his eyes, remembering once more how fragile Severus still was. Putting her arms around him, she tried again, "I'm sorry...it's just that..." 'It's just that I want you to be holding me as you fall asleep at night, nobody else...'
Perhaps he read her emotions through magic, or merely saw them in her eyes, but Severus pulled her close and hugged her lightly. He then spoke, his eyes and voice troubled, "It's alright, Lily; if Remus doesn't love you back, then he must be a dunderhead..." He then squeezed her again, and Lily felt her lips parting slightly. He was much too close...
Apparently realizing just how close they had gotten, Severus made to let go, but Lily only pulled him closer. Now his face was barely inches from hers, so close that Lily could smell the sex he had just had, but she didn't mind as it also smelled like Severus... "Severus...It's not Remus that I wish loved me..."
Unmoving, Severus merely gazed into her eyes, in such a way that Lily would have thought him reading her mind. Meanwhile, Lily slowly brought her face closer, saying softly, "It's not Remus I dream about, it's not Remus I desire..." As Severus continued to watch her, a strange emotion playing across his face, something caught midway between fear and...something else...
It was that something else that gave Lily the courage she needed, pressing her lips to Severus in a kiss. For a moment that seemed like an eternity, her heart threatened to shatter, as she had risked their friendship for what looked like nothing...
Then Severus kissed her back...
As the time-line faded away, Lily-prime looked at Sixty expecting, hoping for an explanation. The woman obliged, fingering her pendent absentmindedly as she did so, "Neither Severus nor I were ready for a relationship together after the events which had ended our last ones, and I was so busy beating myself up that I wouldn't have noticed his interest anyway. Still, it was probably for the best that we didn't try, not then at least..."
"Why is that? You said it yourself, he had forgiven you after all..."
Sixty's eye seemed to twitch slightly, then she sighed, clearly frustrated about something, "Unfortunately, while Severus' poor self-esteem made it easy for him to forgive me, it made trying to have a relationship with him all but impossible. Remember how Severus had a tendency to be overprotective to a fault, and got moody when you mentioned your male friends when he was around?
Lily-prime nodded quickly, remembering more than a few incidents of that type, then Sixty continued,
"That may have been annoying, but it was infinitely preferable to what happened in my time-line. Instead of trying to push away anyone who he thought might 'steal' me away from him, he would simply walk away whenever my friends were around. He wasn't afraid of my abandoning him again...because he thought that it was inevitable, that I would eventually leave him like I had before. Heck, he actually made sure that he was renting another apartment at the same time that we shared our own, just so he was ready for WHEN I kicked him out... It took all of several years for him to realize that I wasn't going to abandon him ever again..."
Lily-prime watched her counterpart in silence, not knowing quite what to say...
The silence stretched on for a bit, but the mirror didn't wait for it to end, fast-forwarding what appeared to be a year later. This time, Lily-prime saw Severus and her counterpart on their own inside what appeared to be a dark, dank dungeon...
"After that incident, Severus broke up with Celeste, and the two of us got back together. Eight months, three weeks and five days later, he proposed to me, and I accepted happily. However...we never had the chance for our wedding, for although Voldemort's empire slowly crumbled under heavy resistance, some of his Death Eaters managed to capture us." Sixty chuckled, then looked back at Lily-prime with a strange smile on her face. "Ironically, those three weeks where we were captured, being tortured to death, were some of the best in my life in some ways. Finally, every last wall between Severus and myself seemed to crumble. It's just a shame that we had to die to achieve this..."
Lily-prime nodded slowly, her heart aching at the fact that she had never been able to achieve such a state of understanding with her Severus. How much might it have changed...
"...So, why did you leave them, Sev?" Lily asked curiously; it was a question that she had been wondering since she had found that Severus HADN'T joined the Death Eaters. Avery's actions were bad, but they didn't explain why Severus had left the entire group, not that she was complaining.
Severus shrugged, then responded after a brief pause, a flicker or sadness in his eyes as he did so, "... Remember how Celeste was dating Avery? Well, as you know, one day he decided that he wanted to have her and wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. I had to stop him...and all the Death Eaters were angry with me for helping a 'blood traitor'. Apparently, not wanting to shag a pureblood made her one. After that, I couldn't stay with them anymore..."
"Oh..."
Lily trailed off, unsure what to say. The silence stretched for a few more minutes, both gritting their teeth at the random muscle spasms, before Severus broke the silence with a new question.
"Well...I've always wondered why you broke up with Potter myself. Was it really that you were 'just waiting for your chance for us to get back together again', like that blasted rumor mill said? Or was it something else?" Severus had a rigid appearance, and Lily suspected that this was a question that he had been curious about for the longest time...
It had been a long time, and although James' actions after the aborted wedding still stung, Lily wasn't that hurt anymore. "Sorry, but it really wasn't because I wanted to get back together with you, except for as friends I mean. I couldn't take how he lied to me about, that's all. I mean, if you had been in James' shoes, you would have told me the truth, wouldn't you?"
Severus frowned, several emotions flitting across his face, then he said quietly, "Honestly, I don't know if I wouldn't have done the same thing he did. It would have been awfully tempting, the chance to finally have you... Still, I'd like to think that, if you really did love him, I would have told you the truth and stood aside..."
"Thank you, at least you are being honest...about you being dishonest... I don't know..."
Lily allowed herself to trail off, and silence ensued, although she was sure that it wouldn't last very long. They didn't have much time until the next 'session', and talking was about the only thing that either could do to keep their mind off of things, as there was nothing of interest in the Azkaban dungeons.
At least it helped her to forget how her bones were shattered and her nerves and muscles screamed in pain... The Death Eaters hadn't the smallest scrap of mercy for Order members, and had been particularly cruel to the two of them, perhaps because of all the damage to the 'cause' that their espionage had done...
In some ways it was fortunate that the Death Eaters had chosen to keep both of them locked in together, as it helped Lily's courage since she couldn't bear to disappoint Severus in this... All the same, she still would have much preferred that she had been the only one caught, as there would be no rescue for either of them...
Severus suddenly spoke up, looking away from her and flushing red in embarrassment, "He hit me you know..." As Lily looked at Severus in confusion, he clarified, "...my father. Remember how I couldn't come over sometimes, for a few days at a time? Well, that was because I had needed to be punished. He was careful to keep it off of my face or neck, but sometimes...sometimes I didn't dare come over, because it would have been...noticable..." Severus trailed off, still not looking at her, but Lily could see that he had tensed himself up.
"I...I'm sorry that that happened, Sev. I...didn't know. I'm sorry..."
"It's...it's fine, just forget about it." Severus mumbled, still not looking at her.
Lily felt an acute sense of shame that she had somehow missed that, although she had known that Severus didn't really have a happy home. He had been very careful apparently, and Lily had never seen his father beat him or anything, nothing more than normal corporal punishment at least. Still though, she should have known... She should have found out some way... Severus should have told someone, and something should have been done...
"I won't Sev... I won't forget." Severus looked back at her oddly, his eyebrows raised questioningly. Lily looked Severus straight in the eye, feeling tears fall from her own. "What happened to you...shouldn't have been forgotten about, as if it didn't matter. You didn't deserve that, to be hurt. It did matter, and that's why I'll keep remembering it..."
"I...thank you, Lily..." Severus' voice was thick, and his face became blurry, although that might just have been the tears in Lily's eyes. "It means alot to me..."
The silence stretched on, only interrupted by pained hisses from the two lovers, bound together in suffering...
'I didn't know either, although the first time-line I viewed should have implied it slightly, but I thought that it was just a caning or something... I wish he had told me... Why didn't he-'
"There was no rescue obviously." Sixty's voice interrupted Lily-prime's thoughts. "After three weeks, Voldemort decided to kill us publically, burning us alive like us 'Mudbloods' had all those years ago. Still, I hope that we won in the end, and Severus and I made a difference. We were also happy, so it wasn't so bad, as we had a few happy years before the end..."
Coughing slightly, a sad smile gracing her face, Sixty then changed topics, "Regardless, the point of this was to see what you learned. Do you know why your friendship with Severus failed like that, when it clearly could have been much more?"
"Give me a minute..." Lily-prime said, still watching the mirror, thinking to herself...
As her counterpart watched her impatiently, Lily-prime thought to herself; what had she missed that had caused her friendship with Severus to have such an apocalyptic ending? There had clearly been so much that either could have said, questions that both could have asked that needed answering and gauntlets that had not been thrown down. Indeed, that was obvious now, especially given those eight cases of 'What could have been.' that she had seen.
However, the question that Sixty was asking wasn't how their friendship had ended, but rather why it had ended. Really, it was kind of silly that it had ended in the first place, as Severus had clearly only needed her to ask the right questions to get the answer Lily-prime sought so desperately-that he wasn't going to join the Death Eaters.
So why hadn't she asked him such a question? For example, why hadn't she asked him why he was so desperate to join such a group as the Death Eaters? Or why hadn't she asked him why he was so defensive of his friends? Or the biggest one of all, would he not join them if she asked Severus not to do it for her sake? Instead, she had simply decided that he couldn't be saved anymore, and she had given up on trying anymore.
'I was so certain that there was nothing left to fight for, but if that were accurate, then why would he have changed sides when he found out I was in danger? Either he had changed his mind about the Death Eaters so much that he just needed a trigger, in which case I should have had more faith in him, or he did it solely for my sake in which case I was still wrong as I could have just asked him to change sides to begin with! But I was so certain, so how could I have-'
Lily-prime stopped, her eyes widening in shock, remembering several scenes all at once: a boy, hesitating as he tried to tell her something about how he had nearly died, warning her about James Potter.
Then there was another one, a child of barely ten, telling her of how he had tripped down the stairs earlier that day and that was why he was wincing.
Another scene, a sixteen year-old teenager, mouth opening and closing as he struggled desperately for words in front of a portrait hole.
Another, a man telling his wife of how he had mistaken kindness for goodness.
Finally, the teenager once again, howling about how he was now worthless and she should leave him, as even he wouldn't want to be friends with himself now that he could no longer be a Death Eater.
All of these scenes, although some of them were from the time-lines that she had viewed, had given her a picture of her friend that she had somehow misread. She had misread it all because...
"I was certain." Sixty looked at her curiously, clearly interested in her answer. Raising her voice slowly, Lily-prime continued with a sense of certainty, a sense that for once she believed that she had truly earned, "I was certain, and I was oblivious and I didn't believe that I, the great and kind Lily Evans, could be wrong. Even when I thought that I had been wrong, that my friends had been right about him all along, I didn't truly listen to anyone. Severus might have broken down then, too afraid to answer me, but the least I could have done was give him the decency of listening to him..."
Sixty seemed pleased with the response, nodding slowly as she said calmly,"A good response and quite accurate if I say so myself, Lily Potter, but it frequently takes more than one person to screw things up so badly. What could Severus have done differently? It was partially your fault, but what was Severus' greatest mistake?"
Lily-prime could answer that one easily, having read his thoughts in each of the time-lines quite a few times by now, even ignoring what she had heard him say aloud. "He...he didn't believe that he was worthy of happiness, that he was worthy of me, and most of all he didn't believe that I could truly care about him. He didn't trust me, believe he 'knew' in his heart that to trust me was only to to be hurt more when I inevitably left him... Really, if we had taken the time to talk about this, it would have saved a lot, and that's probably what hurt us most, the fact that we didn't talk to each other..."
Sixty nodded in acknowledgement. Nothing more was needed, as both knew that she was correct in this evaluation.
A few minutes passed, during which Sixty looked at Lily-prime oddly, then she sighed. "There is a reason that I've come here to talk to you, and you can be certain that it wasn't just to pass the time. I thought that perhaps...you had enough potential that you might be able to help me with something."
There was a brief pause, during which Lily-prime looked at Sixty without words to say, curious as to what her counterpart might want. Sixty then said simply,
"I want to do something for at least one Severus, any Severus really. My Severus may have forgiven me for my foolishness...but I still have yet to forgive myself. You at least show remorse for your mistakes, and I'm sure that had you the chance to relive your life, you would have changed so many things. As such, I'm going to make you an offer, one that I hope you won't want to refuse once you understand how things work here."
Lily-prime nodded once more, waving her hand to show that her counterpart could continue, which she did,
"First though, I'm going to give you a little explanation of how things work in the afterlife. You see, once you have gone through the necessary level of purgatory or hell, most souls are given the choice of either moving on to another world with those you loved most, reincarnation or creation of a world perfect for them...although the last one depends on how high of a percentile you have received... Trust me when I say that you don't have to worry about considering that option, although your Severus might."
She paused a moment, apparently evaluating Lily-prime, who was sitting there riveted. "You could try to move on to another world with those you are closest to, probably Severus, James, Remus and possibly Sirius from your generation, perhaps others joining... It would be enjoyable perhaps, but useless to my quest. Alternatively, you could try reincarnation, in which case you would be stripped of your memories and separated from those you love. Still, it would likely give you a fairly good life, as your percentile adjusted for purgatory is up to forty-five."
Lily-prime had to admit that she would probably prefer to move on, although she wasn't looking forward to the fights that the five or six of her friends and family would have, especially with Sirius... However, her thoughts were interrupted by Sixty's voice, "OR, you could go with a third option, my option..."
Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait, I've gone through at least four different versions of this chapter/time-line. Honestly, I think that I might like it the best of those up until it, but that's just my personal opinion.
The next chapter will include Sixty's offer, Lily-prime's response, the epilogue and a list of possible upcoming fics, should any of you be interested. Ironic how such a long chapter has so short an Author's note, eh?
