Michelle leaned her head against the wall, praying that she could keep control. If she started crying, he would know, and that was the last thing she needed.
When she thought of the morning, she could have almost laughed at her stupidity. It had been perfect, everything she wanted. But now, that seemed so far away, something she could never get back.
She wiped her eyes, they were dry, her tears were still wrapped up within her. She needed to get this over with, she had so much to do, the last thing she needed to be doing was dithering over how to distance herself from him.
Ryan had been right, she was getting herself into a situation which she wouldn't be able to get herself out of. Dimly, she was aware that his words weren't motivated out of a desire to help her, but even so, she saw the accuracy in them. Tony was her boss, and that was all he should be, all she would let him be.
Taking a stuttered breath, she pushed herself up and forced herself back out into the main floor, her footsteps echoing behind her, all the time unaware that the corner she'd hidden herself in was the same corner in which he'd found her before.
Tony glanced at her, she was not the same Michelle who he had held this morning. She'd flinched when he touched her, as if he'd hurt her. He didn't understand, why wouldn't she let him be near her, what had happened?
She could feel him watching her and all she wanted to do was go and melt into his arms. But she wouldn't. She knew that Carrie was behind this, knew that it was Ryan Chappelle's way of paying them back. But that didn't help. She would just have to get on with it. It served her right for getting involved with her boss in the first place.
She needed this job, and she knew it. Carrie knew it too, which was probably why Chappelle had done this. After what had happened, it was only this job that had kept her sane. She'd worked 16 hour days, had rebuilt the entire operating system from scratch, had done anything she could so that when she got home, exhaustion would push her into a dreamless sleep.
She'd been friends with Carrie then, and so Carrie knew why she was so afraid, why more than anything else, she needed this job.
So ignoring his eyes that were playing across her back, she forced herself to concentrate on her work, pushing away thoughts of anything else. Another part of Ryan Chappelle's plan to "help" her. She'd been involved with the protocol before, his excuse for giving it to her was that she was the only person at CTU with experience at it. Even so, last time, it had taken a team of 3 people 2 months to complete it. Now it was just her, and she only had 6 weeks. Technically, it was possible, but it wasn't going to be enjoyable. But then again, with the only two people in the building being her and Tony, perhaps it would be necessary.
Tony was aware that he was watching her again, he couldn't help himself. The change in her was something he was completely unable to comprehend. He'd woken up with her wrapped in his arms, her eyes fixed on his, and he had been certain that she was his. But now, she was so distant that he didn't even know how to speak to her.
Despite her objections, he had insisted that they get lunch together, trying desperately to understand what was happening to them. But it hadn't helped. She had eaten her lunch as quickly as she could, refusing to meet his eyes, and answering his questions with as few words as she could.
Since then, she had been glued to her computer screen, barely even blinking. He knew that the protocol she had been given was a big one, perhaps even too big for her to handle, but she had refused his help and he didn't see that there was much more that he could do.
Maybe he had made a mistake, maybe she didn't feel the same way he did, it was the only explanation he could come up with. Gathering up his things, he made his way down to the parking lot. As he passed her, he kept his eyes on her, willing her to prove him wrong, to say something, just to look at him. But she didn't, she just kept her eyes fixed on her monitor, not even acknowledging him. So he left, the silence of the building reminding him of how much had been lost, of how much pain was trapped here.
He hadn't even said goodbye. That was all she could think of as tears silently made there way down her face. She had seen the confusion in his eyes, the pain. But she had done nothing, and now she had lost him. Even before, he always said goodbye. So she let the tears that had threatened to overwhelm her all day break free.
She was being stupid, she knew that, it wasn't even like they were going out. And she was doing the right thing, she needed this job, needed the stability it brought, needed to know that she could count on it to always be there. So why did it have to hurt so much.
He'd arrived early this morning, the rebuilding was practically complete, all that was needed was to set up the equipment, but that was a huge job. So he'd forced himself up at whatever ridiculously early time in the morning it was, telling himself that next week things would be back to normal, or as normal as they could be considering half the people he'd worked with were dead.
He felt his heart sink when he saw her, she'd fallen asleep at her station, again. He hated that she kept doing this to herself. She was working herself into exhaustion, her eyes had become glazed and she would barely speak to him. She'd be here when he arrived and wouldn't leave until well after he was gone, if she left at all. He'd found her asleep at her station more times than he could count, but nothing he said to her would make a difference. And as much as he tried not to, he worried about her. She was in his thoughts constantly, she was tearing herself apart and he couldn't stop her. Regardless of the pain she'd caused him, she had been his friend, and he still cared for her.
"Michelle,"
he said as he shook her gently. She was cold, and he knew that the
hunched over position that she'd assumed had to be
uncomfortable.
As she stirred, her eyes met with his and a soft
smile lit up her face. He'd thought himself immune to this, but the
moment her eyes fell upon him he felt his heart scatter into a
million pieces. He'd tried so hard to tell himself that she didn't
care, to keep a distance from her, but whenever she looked at him he
just fell apart.
It
didn't last very long, as sleep left her she remembered that she
couldn't do this, that she was supposed to be keeping a distance
between them. She pulled her eyes away from him and focused them on
the floor, mumbling excuses as she fled him.
Sliding himself down
into her seat, Tony rested his head on the desk, battling with the
wave of anguish that rushed through him. He didn't understand. How
could she keep doing this to him? Every time he thought he'd got
used to the idea that she wasn't his, every time he thought he'd
hardened his heart to her, she'd look at him like that and he'd
fall apart. All he knew was that he couldn't keep doing this,
couldn't keep pretending that he didn't care.
