TITLE: I'll Be Anybody

SPOILERS: The "first thirteen"

DISCLAIMER: See the Prologue.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Once again, huge, gigantic, major, humongous, mondo, supersize apologies for taking so long to update. To say that my life is "crazy busy" would be the understatement of the century, I swear. To make it up to all you lovely people, I present...

... a double-whammy, two-part, profusion of Puckleberry goodness!

The idea for this chapter came from an early review from I Am Lady Liberty: she wanted some insight into how Puck and Rachel prepared for their scenes. After thinking long and hard about the mechanics of it, I took my inspiration from a hilarious fic by une_fille, becca_radcgg, and honeyprose (Google "living life like a sex viking" and you'll see what I mean).

A word about the structure: each main section refers to the fantasies in which Rachel or Puck were acting as the other's object of desire. In other words, in Rachel's Manifesto..., Section 1) refers to "Long Overdue", Section 2) refers to "The Guns of Puckerone", and Section 3) refers to "Journey's End". In Puck's Guide..., Section 1) refers to "Final Curtain Call", Section 2) refers to "Guitar Lessons", and Section 3) refers to "Private Screening". I hope that's clear. (If it's not, I recommend reading the entire story again, just to refresh your memories! :o) )

Lastly, this chapter marks the end of my Puckleberry fics, for now. (I promise I'll return to them; I just want to play with the other Glee characters for a while). Please review, even though I made you wait far too long for an update!

P.S. Nova802, there's a shout-out in there just for you! *wink*


Rachel Berry's Manifesto for Engaging in Sexual Role-Play With Your Fully-Consenting, Completely Monogamous Partner

1) "B*TCH" = "Babe In Total Control of Herself"

a) Sarcasm: An End in Itself

i) (Metaphorical) Emasculation

ii) (Intellectual) Manipulation

iii) (Sexual) Frustration

b) Using A Southern Accent Does Not Betray Your Fathers' Union or Their ACLU Membership

i) Soft Yet Strong: Not A Paradox

ii) Sensual Southern Belle vs. Rough-and-Ready Redneck: A Study of Contrasts

c) Staying Completely In Character While Experiencing Multiple Orgasms

i) Watching Pornography (For Research Purposes ONLY!)

ii) Circular Breathing: The Key to Honing Your Already-Impressive Levels of Self-Control

iii) Emotional Compartmentalization: What Every Budding Young Ingénue Needs to Know

2) How to Maintain One's Feminine Demeanour While Channelling "Ellen Ripley"

a) Highlighting Your Natural Assets: Eyes, Lips, Hair

i) Liquid Eyeliner: There Is Truly No Other Kind

ii) Berry-Flavoured Lipgloss: Sweet and Seductive

iii) 100 Strokes of the Hairbrush: A Short-term Investment With a 500% Return

b) Expletives Are An Expression of Womanly Passion

i) F*ck: A Perfectly Reasonable Gut Reaction

ii) D*mn: A Completely Acceptable Demonstration of Discomfort

c) Flexibility Is Not Only An Asset in Ballet Class

i) Lifting Your Leg To His Ear Increases His Arousal

ii) Raising Your Hips Eases His Access

iii) Arching Your Back Tightens His Hold

3) Silence Is (Most Certainly Not!) Golden

a) Biting One's Tongue Without Causing Permanent Damage and Irrevocably Altering One's Inevitable Path to Stardom

i) It's All in the Teeth: Molars To Apply Pressure, Incisors To Ensure Restraint

b) The Precise Art of Non-verbal Communication

i) Half-lid, Three-Quarter, and Wide-Eyed Stares

ii) The Stronger the Vocal Cords, The More Easily They Can Be Seen

iii) Tension and Relaxation: Muscular Isometrics for Supreme Dramatic Effect

c) Of Human Bondage: More Than Just a Western Classic

i) Free Weights: The Key to Increasing Your Upper Body Strength

ii) Submissive and In Control: Not A Paradox, Part 2

iii) Trust: An Essential Ingredient for Sexual Satisfaction


Noah Puckerman's Guide to Fantasy-Fucking Your Girlfriend

1) Acting Like a Wussy Loser Because Shy Guys Make Girls Hot (What's up with that, anyway?)

a) On Stuttering

i) Too Much Means It'll Take You Longer to Get Laid

b) How to Pretend That You're Not Really a Stud: Lessons in Self-Control

i) Visualization #1: Sue Sylvester in a String Bikini

ii) Visualization #2: Coach Tanaka in a French Maid's Uniform iii) Visualization #3: Sandy Ryerson in... Well, in Anything

c) Construction 101: How to Make Sure the Furniture Doesn't Break and Piss Her Dads Off

i) Knowing Your Wood (The kind you get from trees, pervert!)

ii) How To Nail (The kind made from iron, freak!)

2) "My So-Called Life" Was an Awesome Show (What? STFU, okay?), and Jordan Catalano Was the Coolest Badass Emo Dude, Like, Ever

a) Putting the "Ass" in "Asshole": Muscle Tone is Everything

i) Your Body Is Your Temple... Except When It Comes to Dip

ii) How to Watch Your Mom's Pilates DVDs Without Getting Caught

b) How to Keep From Fucking Her Right Where She Stands: Lessons in Self-Control, Part 2

i) Visualization #4: Principal Figgins in BDSM Gear

ii) Visualization #5: Miss Pillsbury in... Well, She's Kinda Hot, So Never Mind

iii) Visualization #6: Dead Mailmen (There's a reason it's a classic)

c) Showing No Mercy Is a Good, Good Thing

i) The More You Tease, The Wetter She Gets

3) Acting Like Yourself When You Can't Improve On Perfection (No, really. You can't.)

a) Clothes Don't Make the Man: The Man Makes the Man

i) How to Be a Badass Without Moving a Muscle: The Death Glare

ii) Real Men Don't Walk, They Prowl

iii) Actions Speak Louder Than Words: Showing Possession of your Woman

b) (Semi) Public Sex: How to Turn Her Crazy to Your Advantage

i) Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Hot

ii) Knowing You're Better Than Everyone Else Doesn't Make You an Asshole, It Just Makes You Right

c) Taking Her From Behind Doesn't Make You A Caveman (Unless she wants you to be)

i) Stiletto Heels Are God's Gift To Guys: How to Buy Women's Shoes Without Looking Like a Total Perv/Douche

ii) The Best Angles of Entry, Or: Why Learning Geometry Isn't Always a Complete Waste of Time

iii) Bite, But No Blood... Otherwise You'll Never Hear the End of It


When I'm with you

Anything will do

I'll be anybody

And baby, so will you

(Ibomeka/Neale/Kroeker, 2006)