Olivia held the door to her apartment and set down Rafael's bag, which, despite his protests, she had insisted on carrying for him. "Welcome to your home for the next while." She smiled and held her arm out as he shuffled through the door.

"I'll try not to be a bother," he said, smiling weakly as she touched his shoulder.

"You're no bother. I'll show you your room." She picked up his backpack and walked slowly as she led him to the spare bedroom. "It's small, but you should be comfortable," she said and put his bag down next to the bed.

"It's perfect." The room was small, with a comfortable looking bed, a small desk, bedside table, and a dresser. The coziness of the room comforted him and he hoped that staying here for a few days would be what he needed to clear his head and begin to pick up the pieces in his life. "Are you sure you don't mind me being here? I mean…"

"Of course not. You can stay as long as you want. I just want you to feel at home."

"Thank you so much, Olivia."

"You're welcome. Now, is there anything you need? Are you hungry?"

"I don't think so…I'll be fine. Maybe I should lie down for a bit, if that's OK with you."

"Of course. I want you to be comfortable." She smiled at him in his bulky, mismatched sweat suit which hung a little too long past his wrists and ankles. He looked nothing like the Rafael she knew. "Here," she said. She pulled the blankets down and smoothed the fitted sheet. "I hope it's comfortable."

Rafael winced as he eased himself onto the bed. He leaned to one side, and then the other as the pain that shot through his body reminded him of the horrors of the previous day.

A frown crossed Olivia's face as she watched him struggle. Seeing the poor man in such pain tore at her heart. Not only concerned for his physical state, she also worried about his mental anguish and how he would recover from the trauma Doug inflicted upon him. Forcing herself to smile, she patted his shoulder gently. "Just hang on." She rushed out of the room and returned with an armful of pillows. "Let's get you comfortable. Which way do you want to lie?"

"I don't know…everything hurts…"

"Well, let's try your right side. Maybe avoid laying on those stitches?"

"Yeah."

"Here." She placed a pillow on the mattress and smoothed it out. "This should make it nice and soft for you." She adjusted the pillow under his head, her smile concealed her concern while he fought to hold in a moan. "How's that?"

"Good," he said. He held his breath and gingerly stretched his legs. A pained whimper accompanied his exhaled breath as he squirmed in an attempt to find comfort. "I'm sorry," he said through gritted teeth.

"Don't be sorry. I know it hurts. Can you lift up for just a second? Your shirt is all bunched up."

"Where's Noah?" he asked, as he raised his side off of the pillow.

"He's with Lucy, out at the museum. They should be back in a few hours." Olivia touched his shoulder gently and pulled his sweatshirt taught, eliminating wrinkles from pressing into his tender side. "That should be better. Here, lie back down...Is that any help?"

"Yeah… You didn't have to send him away because of me…"

"Are you kidding? He loves going out. I just wanted to time to get you settled in."

"Oh."

"This might help a little," she said as she put a body pillow on the bed next to Rafael. "Lean into it a bit…It'll take some of the pressure off of your side."

"That feels better," he said as he leaned into the pillow and slowly lifted his leg over it.

"Good." She headed to the door and stopped. Turning around, she looked back at Rafael, curled up in bed and in desperate need of kindness. "I'll be right back."

Rafael nodded and snuggled into the pillow to find the position that would cause the least amount of pain. Everything hurt; the bruises that covered him, more cracked ribs on top of the ones that were still healing, and stiches in the side of his head.

The injuries he sustained when Doug forced him to have sex were another matter; painful and even more humiliating than the ones on the rest of his body. With the amount of pain he was in, Rafael was sure that Doug had torn him badly, and he recalled seeing some blood on the bedsheets in the hotel. The doctor at the ER had said something about his injuries, but Rafael had been in too much pain to pay close attention to his advice.

He hadn't told Olivia anything about Doug raping him but the way she cast him long, pitying looks, the way her soft smile turned into a frown when she thought he wasn't looking, and the way she opened her mouth as if to speak but didn't say anything, made him suspect that she knew. And, Rafael was sure that with all of her years in the SVU, she could probably tell what happened just by looking at him. He sighed and wrapped himself a little more around the pillow and wondered whether or not he should just come out and tell her everything; she was bound to find out for sure, if she didn't already know.

What he did know for, is that he never wanted to be touched again. Thinking of the all of the times that he rolled over, shut his eyes, and let Doug do what he wanted disgusted him so much that Rafael felt like retching. Last night's attack was so awful that he found himself thankful that he didn't remember all of it clearly. Foggy memories of Doug climbing on and off of him, rolling him over, and pinning him to the bed came and went through Rafael's mind. He heard Olivia's footsteps coming back towards the room. Quickly, he wiped away a tear and doubted that he'd ever really, truly be able to trust another human being for as long as he lived. He shook his head, as if he was shaking the memories away, and commanded himself not to cry.

"Here you go," Olivia said. She had returned to the room with a glass of water, a blue, old-fashioned ice-pack, and a hot water bottle. "Can I just move the pillow a bit?"

"Yeah…You remembered?"

Olivia nodded and tucked the bottle between Rafael's stomach and the pillow. "Is that alright? It's not too hot?"

"It's good..."

"You let me know as soon as it cools down. I'll give you this," she said and handed the ice-pack to him and pulled the blankets up to his chest.

"Thanks." Rafael took the ice-pack and held it to the back of his neck and watched as Olivia left the room once again and quickly returned with a chair.

"If there's anything you need, let me know," she said. "Don't be shy."

"I should be fine now."

"Here, take a sip of water." She held the glass of water and watched Rafael struggle to prop himself up. Her sympathies for him mingled with hatred and rage against the man that had done this to him. "Do you need anything else?"

Rafael shook his head and let out a quiet moan as he lay back down and pulled the blankets up to his shoulders. "No, thanks." His eyes closed as he repositioned his leg around the long pillow. He sighed and drew in a sudden sharp breath as his slow movement sent a lightening flash of pain through him. "I'm fine," he said when he opened his eyes and saw Olivia's worried face.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. It's just when I move around too much."

"I know. Well, you can just relax now."

Nodding, he took a deep breath and looked up at Olivia. "You won't tell anyone about this?"

"No. But, Rafael, they're bound to find out…Doug is in custody. It'll come across their desks eventually."

"It's embarrassing. I know you're going to tell me not to feel that way, but it's how I feel."

"You shouldn't be embarrassed. None of this is your fault."

"I tried to fight back. I really did. But, when he gets mad, he's so strong. He just snapped. I couldn't even defend myself."

"I know you tried."

"I did. But then I gave up again…just like all the other times. I just froze…"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"He ran into me when I was out having lunch and I had coffee with him. He promised me he wouldn't do it again. He said he's in AA and counselling. So, we got some take out and I let him come to my room. I believed him when he said he changed. Then he kept trying to hug me, and I told him to stop. That's when he went crazy…He just kept hitting me over and over. Some of it I don't really remember, I was kind of out of it. But he'd stop for a bit and then go crazy again."

"Wait. So he was there from supper time on?"

"Umm…yeah, I guess it was before supper. Maybe mid-afternoon?"

"So he was there when I texted you?"

"That was him, he was texting you, pretending to be me."

"Oh no, Rafael…I was texting with him?"

"Yeah…"

"Oh. I'm so sorry…I don't know what to say. When did he leave?"

"I don't know exactly, he was there almost all night though, I know that, cause I remember it being 4 o'clock and he was there. When it started to get light outside, he tried to make me go with him, and when I said no, he went crazy. Really crazy. He was trying to take me home." Rafael's eyes widened. "Maybe I should have gone with him. Maybe I could have gotten away then. I don't really remember all of that part…Why didn't I think of that then?"

"Rafael that might not have worked. It's probably a good thing you didn't go. You were already injured at that point, right?"

"Yeah."

"I think that if he would have taken you home, all of this could have been worse."

"Maybe…yeah. Well, you probably wouldn't have found me so soon."

"Right. And if you were already hurt, you might not have been able to get away from him. Like you said, you were already in and out of it, right? So, you did the right thing. You did what you had to and, you survived."

"It made him so angry when I wouldn't go with him. He kept kicking and punching me. He never used to hit my face that hard, because he didn't want me to have a black eye, but last night he didn't care. I tried to get away, but he's just so strong…I couldn't. He was throwing me around like nothing. I remember laying on the floor and throwing up all over, and then that's it. When I woke up, I was in bed…he must have put me there. He was gone and I tried to get up, but I couldn't. I think I fell asleep again until you came and woke me."

"He could have killed you."

"I thought he was going to. I screwed up by letting him come to my room. By even talking with him. I should have called the police as soon as he came near me, but I really thought he was trying." He looked up at Olivia and sighed. "I'm such a fucking idiot."

"No, Rafael, you're not. Guys like Doug are convincing. They're experts at manipulating people."

"I have no excuse. I'm an sex crimes lawyer. I deal with this stuff for a living, and still, I fell for it."

"Sometimes, it's hard to see our own situation clearly. We can see the problems that someone else is facing, but hard to see our own. Does that make sense?"

"But, I'm a grown man. I should have known better. He lied to me before…what would make me think he changed? God, I am stupid. Just like he said."

"No, Rafael. You're not stupid. You trusted him and he betrayed you. He worked hard to convince you and to suck you in. That's not your fault. What he did was wrong, Rafael. This is on him, not you."

"I guess…"

"You don't sound convinced."

Rafael shrugged and sighed. He had no idea how to explain how mixed up he was about everything. Obviously what Doug had done was wrong, but Rafael couldn't shake the feeling of being at least partially responsible. "I never should have let him up to my room."

"So, because you let him come to your room, was it alright that he hurt you? Did that give him the right to beat you?"

"No," he whispered.

Olivia watched Rafael's eyes drift away from her and stare at the dresser. He licked his lips and closed his eyes as he moved his leg against the pillow. Unable to find comfort, he moaned and clenched his fist in frustration.

"It's not going to be easy, but you'll get through this. I promise."

Rafael sat up slowly. "I need to take something," he said. He gritted his teeth and reached for the pill bottle on the bedside table.

"Let me get it," Olivia offered. She opened the bottle and shook some pills into his shaking hand. "Here." She passed him the glass of water and watched as he sipped at it. "Those should help."

"I hope." He passed the glass back to Olivia and winced as he lay his head down. "I swear, every inch of me hurts."

"I know. Let me fix you up here." She pulled back the covers and smoothed out the pillow under his side and made sure his shirt wasn't bunched up under him. "Alright, try and get some rest for a little while," she said as she pulled the blankets back up around him.

"Yeah." He closed his eyes and hugged the pillow close to him, the hot water bottle against his stomach providing him his only physical comfort.

"If you need anything, you just let me know."

"Thanks."


Rafael blinked his eyes, confused, before he remembered that he was at Olivia's. He lay still as he listened to the soft noises coming from the apartment. The television was on, and Olivia was talking softly to Noah, who cooed and giggled in response. Knowing that Olivia was trying to keep Noah quiet for his benefit, Rafael felt awkward, like he was intruding upon her space. He decided that as soon as he could get around he'd find a hotel and begin his search for a new home.

The sensation of pins and needles tingled in his arm and shoulder so he stifled his moan and rolled off of his side and shifted, inch by inch onto his back. He raised his hips off the bed and shoved a pillow under them, hoping to find comfort.

"Hey. I hope we didn't wake you."

"No, not at all." Rafael lowered his hips to the pillow and turned his head to see Olivia standing in the doorway and bouncing Noah gently on her hip. She smiled as she walked towards the bed and sat down, shifting Noah from one knee to the other.

"Hi, Noah," Rafael said quietly.

"Noah, can you say 'hi' to Rafael?"

Noah grinned and waved a plush teddy bear around in the air in front of his face. He leaned forward in Olivia's lap and offered the toy to Rafael, who despite his discomfort reached over and took the bear from his tiny fist. "Thank you," Rafael said and smiled at the boy.

"What a nice boy," Olivia said. "Sharing your toy with Rafael."

Olivia and Rafael's eyes met and they exchanged smiles and laughed as Noah leaned forward again and took the toy back. "How's he doing?" Rafael asked.

"He's great. Getting bigger and learning something new every day."

"Good. That's so good to hear. What time is it?"

"Nearly 10. You slept for hours."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have napped for that long. Those pills knocked me out."

"No, you needed it. And please don't be sorry for anything," she said. "I'm just going to put Noah down for the night," she said. "I'll be back as soon as I get him settled."

"Olivia," Rafael said when she returned. "You must be tired. I can manage."

"I'm fine. I have some soup to heat up for you."

"Thanks, but really…I'll be fine," Rafael said. He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, leaning to one side, his eyes darting to Olivia as she stood over him with her arm out. Embarrassed at the fuss she was making over him, he stood up and refused her hand. "Washroom?" he asked.

"Just across the hall."

"Oh, right." Rafael nodded and walked slowly out of the room. He felt Olivia's eyes watching him so he bit down hard on his bottom lip and forced himself to walk as normally as possible. As he washed his hands, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and did a double-take. The water ran from the tap over his hands as he stared at his reflection in shock. Doug had outdone himself this time, Rafael thought as he leaned forward and examined his face. He shut off the water, dried his hands, and reached up to touch the side of his face.

Dried, blood mixed with the yellow-tinged iodine crusted around the edge of the white gauze wrapped around the top of his head. The entire left side of his face was swollen, patches of red and purple blended together and covered him from his forehead, down his cheek to his neck and across his left eye. He pulled up his shirt and turned, staring at his left side and then his right. His fingers gingerly traced the outline of bruises, some oblong and bearing a semblance to the shape of a foot.

He yanked his shirt down and pushed up his sleeves exposing his wrists, the bruises on them obviously from Doug holding him down. Running his hands over his head he felt filthy, as if he hadn't washed in weeks. Tiny ridges were scattered over his scalp and he frowned as he put his hands in front of his face, examining the flakes of dried blood sticking to his fingertips. He rinsed his hands and called to Olivia as he exited the bathroom. "Do you mind if I have a shower? I really need to get cleaned up."

"Of course not. But you should probably have a bath. You can't get the stiches wet."

"Yeah, right."

"I'll go get your bag…"

"Thanks."

Rafael watched as Olivia scurried around the bathroom; running the water for him and setting out a stack of towels and facecloths. "You help yourself to anything you need. There's some soap, some body wash. Here's a bag to put your laundry in. I'll be doing a load tomorrow, I can throw in your stuff if you'd like."

He smiled and looked around at everything laid out for him. "That would be great. Thanks."

"Here's your bag, you should have enough in there until we get the rest of your stuff back from holding. I made sure I packed up some comfortable clothes for you."

"You packed this for me?"

"Yeah. CSU wanted to take everything, but I made sure to grab enough for you for at least a few days. You know how backed up they get."

"Thanks…If it weren't for you, I don't even know where I'd be right now. Maybe dead, if he came back."

"Don't think about that," Olivia said. "Try and relax. If you need help with anything, you just call me. In the meantime, I'll go get out some of that soup. You have to eat something, I insist."

"Thank you."

After Olivia left, Rafael stripped his clothes off and carefully stepped into the tub. He held the wall and lowered himself into the water slowly as he adjusted to the temperature. The last time he had a bath was when Doug held him under water. Rafael shuddered at the memory and reminded himself that for now, he was safe. Still, he inched forward and opened the drain, and watched as he let half of the water disappear. As he began to wash himself, he pushed thoughts of Doug and his possible whereabouts out of his mind. That was in the hands of the police now, and for all he knew, he may have already been arrested.

He turned his legs out and examined the bruises that covered his thighs and groin. He washed away tiny specs of dried blood that clung to his skin that seemed to dissolve in the water. No wonder every step he took hurt, he thought.

Lathering up the cloth with body wash he rubbed it all over himself, trying to wash every inch of his skin and rid himself of Doug's touch. He rinsed off and climbed out of the tub and wrapped himself in one of the towels Olivia had set out for him.

After he dried off, he picked up his laundry from the floor and began to put it into the laundry bag, but stopped when he saw his underwear, stained with traces of blood. "Fuck!" he said under his breath. Not wanting Olivia to find them, he decided against throwing them into the garbage, so he stuffed them into the bottom pocket of his backpack, and pulled out a fresh change of clothes. He checked the seat of his pants and was thankful to find them clean, and put them into the laundry bag with his shirt.

Holding a facecloth over the side of his bandaged head, Rafael began the arduous process of washing his hair. With one towel placed on the counter, he leaned over the sink, wet his hair, and lathered up. He scrubbed delicately at his scalp and watched with fascination, as flakes of dried blood turned into gelatinous blobs that stretched between his fingertips. He rinsed his hair as best he could and patted a towel gently against his head. It seemed to have taken forever for him to complete such a simple task, and by the time Rafael pulled his long-sleeved shirt over his head, he was exhausted. He sighed and wandered out to the kitchen.

"All done?" Olivia asked as she filled a bowl with steaming soup. "Do you feel any better?"

"Yeah, I do." Rafael sat down and squeezed his eyes shut when pain surged through him.

"Are you OK?"

"Yeah. Fine." He opened his eyes and smiled to hide his discomfort. He drew in a sharp breath and exhaled slowly through closed lips. "It smells good…"

Olivia placed the bowl in front of him and sat down. "It's homemade," she said, smiling broadly as he dipped the spoon into the bowl and took a bite. "Vegetable and barely."

"It's great."

"Thanks. Easy to make really. I'm glad to see you eating. How's your stomach feeling?"

"Not bad…Do you think they'll let him out this time? I'm worried that he'll find out where I am. I don't want him coming here."

"I don't think so. They've got a lot on him. Arraignment is tomorrow, and they're pushing for remand."

Rafael nodded and looked down at the table. "That's good." He finished the soup in silence and looked up at Olivia, who sat flipping through a magazine and giving him reassuring smiles.

"Do you want to watch some TV for a while?" she asked when he finished the last bit of soup.

"I think I just want to lie down again."

"OK, come, I'll give you a hand."

"Olivia? I know this sounds crazy, coming from me, but I'm scared of seeing him in court. I don't know if I can do it. I know that you had to against Lewis, and I know that victims do all the time…but, I don't think I can."

"I know you're scared," Olivia said as she stuffed pillows behind his back. She handed him the freshly filled hot water bottle and sat down. "He's a scary man. But, I know you can do it."

"I don't want everyone knowing everything that he did. I don't want to sit up there and talk about what happened."

"I know." Olivia sighed and reached out to stroke the side of his face. Her fingers stopped inches from his cheek when she saw him rapidly blink his eyes and turn his head. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that.."

"It's OK," Rafael said and turned his head back to her. "I do that sometimes. It drove Doug crazy." He slouched down against the pillows and sighed. "The thought of having him sitting there, staring at me, while I say what he did." He sighed and wiped his eyes with his sleeves. "Olivia," he said, squirming. "He raped me too."

"I know. I'm so sorry that happened to you." She closed her eyes when Rafael extended his arm and reached for her hand.

"So…You did know."

"Do you remember telling me? When you were in the ambulance…"

"No. Did I?"

"Yeah." She massaged his hand in hers and smiled when she felt his hand relax.

"Oh." His eyes studied her face and looked into her eyes. He shrugged his shoulders and looked down at his hand pressing the hot water bottle against his abdomen. "I guess I forgot...I was pretty mixed up this morning." Determined to maintain his composure, he held his breath and held back his tears. Slowly, he exhaled and raised his eyes to her unwavering gaze. Despite his efforts to keep his emotions in check, a sob escaped his throat as Olivia held his hand in her soft and gentle grasp.

Rafael sat up and turned slightly to her. His shoulders hunched and starting to shake, he took a breath as Olivia shifted to sit on the edge of the bed. She clasped his hands in hers and lowered her head to meet his eyes. "You are going to get through this. I promise," she said, giving his hands a gentle shake. "You're very strong, and I know you can do it."

With a tiny shake of his head, and his chin tucked against his chest, he raised his eyes to look into hers. "I don't know."

"Yes, you can. I'll be here to help, in any way you need."

Nodding his head, Rafael leaned into her and buried his head on her shoulder. "Thanks." When she put her arms around him, his shoulders shook as tears ran down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Shh, just let it out. Let it all out. It's going to be alright." Olivia patted his back and rocked him as she listened to his quiet cries.

"He forced me to. I didn't want to. I told him to stop, but he wouldn't. I hit him with a clock. Then he took it from me and hit me with it over and over. So I just lay there, I couldn't move or do anything."

"It's OK, and it's not your fault. You're safe now."