A/N: I'm rubbish at updating this consistently. Sorry about that. I really have no excuse because I've got so much already done, but I keep forgetting to upload the chapters.

Anyway, thanks for the follows and what not. Please let me know what you're thinking?


Lyna wasn't quite sure why she agreed to go to Denerim, and to take the companions with her that she had chosen was ridiculous, but she couldn't be alone with Nathaniel, not when she knew she would see Alistair. And she didn't want to deal with Anders' disapproval. What happened to him being playful and fun loving?

Of course there was no way she could bring Justice, and not just because he'd be just as judgey as Anders. Bringing what was technically an Abomination to the king's palace would not be wise.

Still, it seemed a very very long journey.

The official reason for the journey was to make representations to the king. It was also to be a reunion of sorts. Oh, and there was the added part where Lyna was to receive some honour or other as the Hero of Ferelden. They were going to name a school after her or something ridiculous. She had not intended to go, but suddenly she felt it might be a good idea. And yet, the closer she drew to the city, the more she regretted her decision. He would be there. And if the rumours were true, so would his new love.

"Lyna, i'm glad you could join us."

Lyna was genuinely happy with the man that came to greet them.

"Teagan!" She hugged the older man, and let him lead her into the castle. The others were taken to their quarters and Lyna could already hear the protests that Velanna was making about the serving staff being elves. Apparently being told they were now paid a good wage was not good enough and Lyna was glad to be away from her.

"I am a bad person," she muttered quietly, but just smiled and shook her head when Teagan asked her what she had said.

And there he was. Lyna was struck, as she watched Alistair standing at a table, surrounded by advisors, just how much he looked like his dead brother, on one of the few times Lyna had met Callian, just before the battle of Ostagar, a whole different life ago. Teagan announced her, and he looked up. Lyna waited for that familiar skip in her heart when she looked into his eyes and was surprised to see it wasn't actually there any more. So she was smiling broadly when she looked at her former love, and he quickly dismissed his companions before he crossed around the table and took her in his arms. She barely had a moment to think before she was tight in his embrace,

"Your majesty" Lyna managed to mumbled, her face against Alistair's chest.

"By the Maker but I've missed you." Alistair said in return, and then he leaned back. "Let me look at you," he was smiling but then he frowned. "You look tired love, what's troubling you?" And he guided her to a chair near the fireplace. His study was comfortable, without being ostentatious. But that made sense. Alistair may be the king but he had never really had his own space, so he didn't have all that much to call his own. Still, she could tell that this was a place where he spent a lot of time.

Lyna took the seat she was shown and then looked at her host. He was pouring her wine and watching her, handing it over to her before he sat down opposite her,

"I was dreading seeing you again," she said softly, sipping her wine. Alistair gave her an understanding smile.

"Was the hug too much?" He asked, and she smiled, shaking her head.

"The hug was fine," she admitted. "Very friendly." Alistair nodded, a relieved smile on his face. Lyna watched him for a moment, holding the wine glass in both hands.

"Alistair," she said finally, not sure if she was really going to ask this question.

"Yes my dear?" Alistair grinned at her and to be honest there was just the hint of a flutter in her heart. She smiled.

"Do you still love me?"

And the grin vanished from his handsome face. He pulled back.

"Lyna, you know why I had to do what I did." he said, looking into his own glass of wine. Lyna felt bad but she had to know. She reached forward, her hand on his knee.

"I didn't ask if you regret your decision," she said gently. "I asked if you still love me."

Alistair looked up and he actually had tears in his eyes.

"I always will Lyna. I wish I didn't, but I always will."

Lyna pulled back in shock.

"Then why did you let me go?" She demanded. This was not the answer she had expected, although really she should have. Alistair's head slumped down.

"Because somebody I respected above all others told me that it was my duty to protect the people, protect Ferelden. Somebody taught me that true sacrifice means putting the needs of others above the needs of myself, and Ferelden needs stability, not a civil war."

Lyna drew back into her chair, her eyes wide, and filled with tears.

"If I'd known you believed me," she tried to joke. " I would have told you to go with the whole dancing the Remigold down the enemy lines routine." Alistair smiled, but it was not a happy smile, and it didn't meet his beautiful eyes.

They sat there in wounded silence for a while, the only sound the crackling fireplace. Lyna wasn't sure now why she had even asked the question she did. It was stupid.

"Do you?" Alistair finally asked, and Lyna looked up in confusion.

"Do I what?" she asked. She realised, just as he said it.

"Do you still love me?" He sounded as nervous as when he had first confessed himself to her.

"Does it matter?' she couldn't help but sound bitter. Alistair's eyes flashed and then he looked away.

"I made a mess of everything didn't I?" he admitted and Lyna nodded.

"I think I helped." she conceded. Then she squeezed his knee again and sat back in her chair, sipping her wine.

They both sat there, watching the fire burn, letting the silence stretch between them.

"I've met somebody." She finally said, and Alistair looked up in shock.

"So you don't love me anymore then." he finally said, and Lyna frowned.

"I didn't say that." she said, and Alistair glared at her. Lyna sighed. "It's not that simple." she said, and drank the last of her wine. The bottle was on the table beside them, and she stood up to stretch her legs and refill their glasses. When she sat down again she curled her legs under herself and looked the man in front of her.

"Ok," She took a deep breath. "So apparently I talk about this stuff too much, but perhaps I need to right now, make it clear. Maybe you can help me figure it out."

Alistair snorted at that thought, but Lyna glared at him and he waved her to continue.

"Thank you." She muttered, and then sipped her wine again. "So, you remember Tamlen?" Alistair had to think for a moment, but then he nodded. "Well I was in love with him. Sort of." she cringed, this really was awkward. "We grew up together and if it hadn't been for that stupid cave we would probably have married and pushed out some babies and what not." She couldn't help but shudder. "And I'm sure I would have been very happy." She didn't look it, but that was because of all the things she had experienced since then.

Alistair opened his mouth, probably to say something supportive, but she shook her head and went on.

"Then the Blight happened, and I met you and even though I wasn't about to say I didn't love Tamlen, I knew it was different. What I felt for you was so much bigger. I think a part of me realised that what we were doing was really the stuff of legends. And our love felt so big." she couldn't help but smile, and Alistair leaned forward a bit too.

"I felt that too." he told her. "I still do."

Lyna shook her head again, just once, needing him to stop speaking.

"But you left me." She held up her hand to stop his protests. "I know why you did it, and I accept it. Logically speaking it was the right thing to do. It's hard enough for some people to accept a Grey Warden as a king, let alone Maric's bastard. Add to that the prospect of a potentially barren Dalish elf as queen? I know that nobody would accept that. They're having a hard enough time accepting me as arlessa in Amaranthine." She gave him a sad smile. "I understand why it had to be done, and considering just how honourable you are, it makes perfect sense that you would take that option. But it still hurt."

Alistair looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. Tears flowed down his cheeks though, and Lyna wanted nothing more than to kiss them away. But she resisted, and concentrated on her wine instead.

"So I had to move on with my life. I think I've changed too." She looked up at Alistair. "To be honest, if you knew what I was like now, i don't think you'd love me very much."

"That's not true," Alistair reached out to take her hand, desperate for her to believe him. But Lyna just gave a sad smile and withdrew her hand.

"The man I've met, you would know his name."

"Oh really?" Alistair sat back, one eyebrow raised.

"Nathaniel… Howe." Lyna couldn't help but cringe.

Alistair leapt out of his seat, spilling his wine.

"Howe?" He cried. "Lyna are you mad?"

Lyna just sighed and slipped onto her knees to pick up his wine glass. Thankfully it hadn't shattered, landing on the plush rug beneath their feet. But there was red wine everywhere. She looked around for a cloth, and took one from the tray that had carried the wine. She started to blot up the wine.

"Your majesty." Teagan burst into the room, about to ask what the screaming had been about, when he saw Lyna kneeling in front of Alistair and his cheeks flushed. "oh… um… of course. My apologies. I'll not disturb you." And he pulled the door closed before either of them could react. Lyna looked up at Alistair in confusion, and then they both seemed to realise what Teagan thought he had seen, and they burst out laughing. Alistair sat down again, and helped Lyna tidy up the mess. When things were vaguely tidy, Lyna got to her feet and dropped the cloth on the tray. Then she sat down again, finishing the last of her wine.

"But really Lyna, Howe? Can you even trust him?"

Lyna glared at her former lover.

"With my life." She said. "He's a Grey Warden now, so he's your brother." She smirked at the horrified look on his face. Then she relented. "And he hates what his father has done. It took a while, but he realises that Rendon Howe was a bastard of the lowest order and deserved all he got." She was still bitter about all the bloodshed that monster had caused. Alistair didn't look all that convinced, but he nodded anyway, to show she could continue.

"So are you together now?" he asked her. "You didn't bring him with you to the palace?" Had he missed him? But Lyna gave a bitter laugh.

"No," she replied. "And no. Nathaniel does not trust me. He told me that he can't be with me. So yet again I'm on my own." She frowned, and stared at the fire.

"He's a fool," Alistair moved over so he was seated beside Lyna. "A complete and utter fool. To have you in his life and let you go, it's crazy." He took her empty glass from her and then held her hands in his. Lyna snorted gently.

"Funny, he said the same thing about you."

At least Alistair had the decency to blush.

"Yes well," he started, but Lyna put a finger to his lips.

"Did you trust me?" she asked him. "When we were at camp and Zev would flirt with me, did you trust me?"

Alistair nodded.

"Well," he considered his answer. "I was a bit worried at first, I think I told you that. But when you told me you loved me then I believed you, I trusted you. Why doesn't Howe?"

Lyna drew a breath and felt tears in her eyes again.

"Because I was an idiot." she admitted. "A stupid, selfish idiot. And now I've ruined things."

Alistair moved a little closer and held her hands again.

"Talk to me." he encouraged, and she looked up at him, caught up in the love in his eyes. It would be so simple to just lean forward and kiss him, but she couldn't. Not if she really wanted to have a chance with Nathaniel. But it was so tempting.

Alistair glanced at her lips, and it was as if she was reading her thoughts.

"Do you ever miss the Blight?" he asked, blushing slightly.

"Oh Maker yes!" Lyna cried, and the tension of the moment vanished. "I realised that the Blight was the happiest time of my life. Isn't that terrible."

Alistair gave a small laugh but he nodded.

"We were so free then weren't we." He said. "No real responsibility."

"Well," Lyna added. "Other than having to save the world. So nothing really big!" She winked and Alistair laughed.

"I am so sorry I let you go Lyna. Not a day has gone by that I've not regretted it." And looking at him, she knew it was true.

"But we can't go back, can we?" she wasn't really asking him. It was a statement. Alistair looked tempted but then he shook his head in sad agreement.

"So what will you do about Howe then? Do you need me to order him to love you? I AM his king, after all."

"Oh Maker no!" Lyna laughed, pulling back, but still holding Alistair's hands. "No, that's not what I need. What I need is… what I need is more wine. Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

Alistair looked a bit surprised, but he nodded. He lifted her hands to his mouth and kissed them, his eyes locked with hers the whole time, and that little flutter was back with a vengeance, and it had moved a little lower than her heart now.

"You are an evil man your majesty." Lyna growled and he just smirked at her! This was NOT what she expected.

But nothing more happened, they had their wine and talked of other things, other people, until they ran out of wine and started to slur their words. They staggered back to their rooms and gave each other a kiss goodnight that was a little more than friendly and a little less than erotic. Then they turned in for the night, in separate rooms, and Lyna actually slept well for the first time in a long time.