Daisuke's Journal

[Roku]

Fingers flew across keys at a strong pace, which at one time would be similar to the sound of an old typewriter. One might even be awaiting the bell-ring, signalling the time to realign the paper.

||Attempting to Process…||

||… … …||

||System Failure||

'I hate this thing…'

||Reboot: Y/N?||

||Reboot: YES||

'Really I do…'

The screen was blank now, though the sounds of the machine could still be heard. Code flashed across the screen, and in blues, blacks and whites, it started up once more.

'This happens every time…'

Daisuke cleaned up his desk, looking through the program CD's he'd just bought. Two were obviously pirated. (Warning: May contain data. Not to be used in water) one was just cheap, and the last one was just a pain to install.

'Can't I just ask for a single sound card that doesn't clock out after two weeks?'

It seemed it was time to start skipping lunch again…

'Who designed this? A Goldfish on Weed?'

He simply stared at the pirated Flash program, in the hopes that it would either spontaneously combust, or – heaven forbid – actually work!

'New solution: Install Linux!'

The computer was running once more, oblivious to its owner's disapproval. A desktop of red and orange hues was the main attraction, followed by the smiley-face, formed out of desktop icons.

Heaving a sigh, Daisuke tried again. He swapped the disks and popped in a hard disk, hoping at least one thing would work.

||Processing…||

||Installing 18772.EXE, ModWav.ZIP||

||… … …||

||Installation Halted||

'Bloody… Murder… Death!'

||Checking Main Drive for Requested Data||

||Please Wait…||

'Urge to kill… rising…'

Deciding against physical abuse, Daisuke searched through his drawer before pulling out his Journal.

Might as well vent his frustrations on something other then the Cyber Kaijuu [Monster]. At least this he could replace… Sort of…

+ Journal Entry, Roku +

I knew it. I knew it the second I'd managed to understand that Digimon did not usually come in human form. The others, my friends, when they found out who our 'enemy' was in our world, would go out and… well considering both my own imagination and the fact that the oldest of us was 12… something not at all very pleasant.

But despite that, I just have to say that I hate whenever I know about something in all its excruciating detail long before it even happens. Both imagination and experience – I'm beginning to think – were not really, meant to be used in unison.

Anyway, the point I'll probably get to, is that the next day we all got together, talked about yesterday and then went off to fight Ken in our world. I'm not too sure calling it 'Ours' or even 'Earth' is right anymore, but for traditions sake I'll just carry it on.

Anyway, long story short, Ken had run away to the Dejitarukai [Digital World], presumedly intent on staying there, and we, being the single-minded suicidal morons we are, decided to go in after him. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I know they're all pretty clever in their own way, but even the most pea-brained Digimon knew that the Kaiser was fairly pissed off at the moment (which would probably last a few weeks) and that even the next dimension was too close for comfort.

But no, we are the Dejitaru Ummei [Digital Destiny]; we have to go out of our way to prove our enemy right by playing like ill-timed chess pieces right into his trap.

Here's the big picture – which means everything outside of my head – Ken, the Kaiser, has decided to relocate himself into another world, which he has been working quite strategically at overpowering like every good dictator should (Divide and conquer, and all the rest of it). He has the greatest strength in covered area and power in Digimon slaves, and to boost that he has a technology set up, probably tapping into the very data of the Digital World itself, which I'm sure Koushiro would love to get a good look at.

The fun part is this: we travelled to a volcanic area (Oh, niiice) were we found the Kaiser waiting for us. With additional side players such as Meramon, Airdramon and… our own friend Greymon, captured and ringed. Now the even funnier part: Ken tried to get Greymon to Digivolve with his dark Digivice. As of course I have learned from this; when trying to force a Digimon to Digivolve, most of the time you get slight… glitches… side effects; And large ones too.

This one came in a size giant, adorned with a 'Dark Shot attack' and composed of the impossibly mobile skeletal structure from hell. Its name was Skullgreymon.

It defeated our Armour Digimon, the Kaisers Dark Tyrannomon, and destroyed the control spire, before reverting back to Agumon, who was in turn picked up by an Airdramon and an annoyingly smug Kaiser.

Then the next day we did it again! Dear Kami have pity on my soul…

This time, for comedic relief more then strategy, Taichi came along with us, and Miyako stayed behind. I think she was a little out-of-sorts with the new series of events. I know I was.

Here's some fun: we were following what we thought was a trail of some sorts, when we stumbled upon a Woodmon (who I personally thought suited the name 'Stumpmon') who, after he was freed from the ring when we kinda dropped a control spire on him, pointed us in the general direction of Ken's base.

We were in a sort of 'Railway town' when Agumon showed up in a train engine. Somehow he'd escaped and we seemed to have lucked out and were on our way home. (And various other places we are half-forced to call 'home' for lack of an alternative)

Of course, nothing is easy, or simple, or even lucky. I have this theory that if something seems to happen unexpectedly, for the better, something much worse is just waiting around the corner grinning manically and holding a detonation button. (Sometimes I wish that were me… Boom!)

The Kaiser showed up. No applause, no sudden surprised gasp or sigh of 'Oh, it's you'. In fact, the way we'd reacted I'd have sworn we'd known he was the there the whole time, and were just waiting for him to speak up so we could go ahead with half-ignoring him some more.

Anyway, his 'friends' this time was, of course, Airdramon and Tyrannomon. One day I'd like to find out just how many large champion Digimon there are in the Digiworld, just so I can shove it in Ken's face and say: 'You missed a spot'. No offence to him of course…

We fought back, and – much to our horror, or, more specifically, anyone who doesn't understand the concept of irony – he pulled out a Dark Ring. Well, okay, it was more of a couple of Dark Rings fused together and made into a spiral. Okay, a Dark Spiral… happy?!

Anyway, this was (predictably) more powerful then your average Dark Ring, and he – not surprisingly – threw his new toy at Agumon.

This Digivolution was not as horrific as the last, but gave about the same impact as being pushed off a cliff. (Which was an improvement from last time, which was like dropping in a vat of lava) Agumon evolved to his true ultimate form of Metalgreymon. (Or, more precisely, his ultimate, viral form)

At the time, I was just trying to keep Taichi from becoming flambé by trying to get through to Agumon, which of course is akin to stopping a boulder careening downhill.

Kaiser 2, Digidestined 0. Or something to that extent. I think he's the only one keeping a faint score, when it all comes down to it. On the bright side, the total amount puts us in favour!

Right… what was I saying? Oh yeah.

Ken rode off on Metalgreymon, who seemed to find enjoyment in destroying random rock formations along the way. And then the Saint brigade showed up. I'm being nice…

Miyako and Yamato came along in a pair of wind-propelled train-cars. Fun fact: some people believe that to change ones mind, or get a point through their skull, one must severely hurt that person preferably around the head area. Translation: Yamato punched Taichi to stop him blaming himself about Agumon getting caught. Come on, I'm the jinxed one remember. Whoops, better not say things like that too loudly, they might decide to hit me next. No offence, but those two scare me… a lot!

And so, with the agreement to fight against Agumon, for his own good, we headed off down the tracks.

A little while later, Tentomon bumped into us. At that time Iori received E-mail from Koushiro. He said that Ken & Metalgreymon had been seen south of our present position, so off we went, after Yamato sent Tentomon to find Garurumon, that is.

I was a little weary about going into another confrontation against our friend. The others all seemed so confident about going into a fight against their friend, while I myself have hardly ever had friends, and so now that I d have them, I am rather… protective of them.

Takashi-kun wasn't helping, saying I was afraid. Though I didn't make matters any better shooting off at him like that. Takeru has been in the Digiworld longer then any other Digidestined. He was there the first time they came; he was there when they beat Apocolymon. And he's here now. It makes me wonder how come I was chosen as the leader for this second team instead of him.

Of course the two of us ended up fighting, with the girls trying to break us apart, and Iori staying as far away from us as possible. He's a smart kid, I'll give him that much. But just then, the strangest thing happened.

Taichi told the girls to let us fight. He said that he and Yamato had fought a lot the first trip to Digiworld, and that it had helped strengthen their friendship. Me? I wondered wether or not he'd been out in the sun too long. I mean, really. How could fighting be cause for grounds of friendship?

Then afterwards I read something. 'You can never truly know anyone, until you fight them.' Because you see, when you fight someone you instantly learn their strengths and weakness', as well as their skill and technique. At least, that's how it is in wars and proper battles, where as for 11 year olds, I guess it just proves to the both of us that when it comes down to it we can be pretty good opponents.

But enough of that…

It was about then that Iori had discovered a Digimental with his Digivice. We stopped the cars and got out to find a cliff face, with the crest of friendship carved into it. Below the emblem was the (dug up) Digimental of Friendship. I was beginning to get annoyed with certain… conveniences. The Digimental kind of reminded me of a jandal (Flip-flop, whatever…) with a bent nail in the toe. Gothic…

Yamato suggested it might be for the one with the most friends, to which I had countered (In the hopes that no one heard me) that it might have been for the one with the least friends… like me. Much to my dismay, everyone found my idea amusing. Well… that hurt…

Everyone then tried to lift it up. Despite their efforts, and quite a few choice words, none were able to lift the Digimental. It was now my turn. Through this little… procedure, I was feeling somewhat ill. All my life I had learned that true friends were those who accepted you for who you truly were, and helped you become the person you were going to be.

I had lied to them. Those around me may have thought they knew me, but did not. I wasn't showing myself as a friend; because I had been hurt once too often to fully accept that they were being honest. In my mind I could not, and probably should not, lift the Digimental of Friendship.

That symbol, no matter how small or insignificant compared to the more spiritual meaning, was like a sign for me. A sign, which told me, that I was lost. I was not worthy, nor did I deserve what I had or was given. It hurt… a lot more then when the others had laughed earlier.

I could understand were they were coming from. I could watch them and see who they were, mask or no. But when it came to changing myself, changing who I was so that I could be myself around others… was too hard. How could I even stand next to them, or that symbol, without bowing my head in shame and remorse for what I was and had done?

I started to say as such, but kind of, sort of, got sidetracked. My mouth shot off again and I found myself giving a simplified, unlawful description of equilibrium. Through my babbling Taichi seemed to be trying to understand something… or so I gathered by his agreement with me. So I tried again, only this time I caught Yamato's expression.

Those two are like polers or something. A poler is basically a person who is the exact opposite of another person. And yet these people are good friends, and often seemed to share similar views on many things. One will act out the others thoughts, while the other will seem to understand what the other wants without any verbal communication. Or at least that's what I gathered when Yamato snapped at me for babbling and the both of them shoved me in the hole. And here I thought Taichi was actually trying to listen… oi… They really didn't have to yell…

Anyway, despite my shaking hands, the lump in my throat, and feeling like I was either going to throw up or pass out, I grasped the device and pulled. Nothing. Once more. Nada.

I would have breathed a sigh of relief, except I was too busy worrying. If this Digimental was not meant for either of us, then whom could it belong to? Getting back onto my train of thought from earlier, perhaps it was for one of us, we just needed to clear our minds on the true meaning of the symbol… wasn't that what I was fretting over earlier. Yes you know where this is going, and yes you're right. But hold up while I take a detour back to scripted events.

Just as I was acting the goof once more (I think… I really wasn't paying that much attention to my automatic reactions right then) there was this awful sound from the sky. It sounded like buzzing. Now I for one hate bees… terrified of them, in fact. (Don't even get me started on wasps!) So when a large Black and yellow insect Digimon appeared outta nowhere and began attacking us I instantly froze in terror. To further my worry his attack is called 'Deadly Sting'. Of course I calmed down a little hearing that his name was Flymon, and not Bee-mon or something like that.

I managed to get my brain back in time to get Veemon to armour Digivolve to Flamdramon. Flymon dodged the attack, which seemed to catch the attention of the others, because Miyako quickly jumped into action getting Hawkmon to evolve to Halsemon. And then his attack missed…

Just then Flymon's buzzing got all the louder, causing us to cover our ears. I mean really, with all the din he was making you'd think he was trying to pass off as a swarm… oh beautiful, now I have a mental image…

Anyhoo, as the sound died down I heard Takeru cry that Patamon was missing. Sure enough, looking up revealed the little bat-hamster trapped in Flymon's claws. What people don't know is that when you have a reaction to something once, the reaction to the exact same thing a second time is completely different. Of course a third time, no matter how rare, has yet another different reaction.

Instead of freezing again, at the concept of the Flymon being that close, I charged off after it, alongside Takeru, on his way to save Patamon. I didn't see Flamdramon around so I assume either I scared him with my reaction again, or he's trying to keep the others at bay.

Along came a spider… Seriously though, the next thing I know there two huge feet in front of me and I'm looking up at Metalgreymon's belly, Takeru right beside me. Oh… great… Apparently the others had actually noticed Metalgreymon, answering my question on why only us two nimrods were chasing the giant bug.

Flymon brought Patamon to the Kaizer, who had a Dark Spiral with him. Flamdramon tried to attack but I gathered my wits and called him to stop. I didn't want Patamon to get hurt, no matter how good Flamdramon's aim was. (Which is better then people give him credit for, I should add)

There's a scene in which I got into yet another argument with Takeru over how we should get Patamon away from the Kaizer. It had something to do with bait. Of course I learned today (Twice) that making fun of Takeru's hat, while he's trying to think, is a bad idea.

Miyako broke us apart (Just in time) telling us to remember the Crest of Friendship. I myself was a little stunned by this, realising what I was doing. Yeah fighting might have been an okay way of making friends… on some weird level. But fighting your friends is also a big no-no in it's own way.

Takeru tried to run at Metalgreymon (To accomplish what, I don't want to know) and would have gotten sliced if Taichi hadn't run at him, pushing him out of the way of the Ultimate Digimon's claw.

At almost the same moment a blur of White appeared out of nowhere, and Patamon disappeared again. It was Garurumon, and inside his mouth was the recently saved Patamon. That was a relief, though adding fuel to the Kaizer's rage was not.

I must have been thinking aloud about Takeru's strong bond with Patamon, because Flamdramon heard me. He asked me if I would rescue him if he were in danger. I wanted to say yes… I swear, but something in me prevented that.

It was that doubt over myself being a friend, to anyone, because of the way I act. Flamdramon knew me, knew who I really was. And for that he would be a true friend. But I still cannot call myself as such, for fear that acknowledging it would bring me back to that time, so far away. Bring me back to when I thought I had friends back in Kyoto… those same friends who are the cause for my bad knee, and faint limp… which was broken in a fire they started, when they threw me down the stairs…

He seemed angry about my response. I had answered 'maybe'. From a different view 'maybe' was the best I could do. If it were in my power to save my friend/s I would do so. Like when the Kaizer asked me to beg for the release of my friends. I could not fathom a choice, or a method of doing so. Stuck, I had almost killed them… if it had been them.

Taichi was back to trying to get through to Metalgreymon, and Garurumon, with Yamato on his back, were trying to remove the Dark Spiral. Garurumon was holding back, frightened of hurting his friend, while Yamato urged him on all the more. I watched this as if from far away. I couldn't seem to look away no matter how much I wanted to. Everyone and everything was once more blurred, and the world seemed to crush in on me.

Afraid. I was afraid. Heck with that, I was petrified.

At one point I tried to convince Yamato to stop pushing Garurumon to attack Metalgreymon. Ignored I watched as Nefertimon and Digmon appeared to join Halsemon in attacking the larger Digimon. I barely heard as Taichi called to Halsemon to be careful, his own fear of hurting his aibou [Partner] evident. Halsemon was forgiven and Taichi seemed to slip back into the knowing that hurt or not, we had to do whatever we could to save our friend.

Yamato and Garurumon were relentless in their attack of the Spiral, while the others tried to draw the ultimates attention long enough for their attack to succeed. It was then I heard someone call me. It was Taichi. He called for me to help them. But I could barely hear him. I found the roar and rumble of the battle was strongly dimmed in my ears.

Beside me Flamdramon questioned my dis-attachment to the reality of the battle. Yes… that's what it was. A battle. A battle in a war, which, in my eyes, just wouldn't come to an end. A war, in which, I was thrust into being a leader of a small group, a rag-tag army.

I was like those young men, teenagers, who were signed into the army to become soldiers. The whole 'Your country needs you' slogan, was dancing through my head. But things had gotten so bad that we were fighting one of our own! But now that I think about it, wasn't all the Dejitarukai [Digital World] 'our own'. Weren't we fighting with them, and for them? Not for a country but a whole planet. In a sense I guess we were always fighting 'one of our own'.

Despite this epiphany, I just couldn't bring myself to say the words that needed to be heard. I couldn't say what I thought, because that would reveal myself to those around me, and I had hidden and deceived too long to give up where I now stood.

Hearing me, Flamdramon devolved to Veemon, looking up at me pitifully. What hurt me is what he said before, though. He told me that I had no clue about friendship. But knowing and doing are two different things, and I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. I am a coward. I was so confused. Veemon was yelling at me, asking how I could just stand and do nothing. But I had no choice!

In my life I had started out being shy, standing off to the side and simply watching. I was immediately ridiculed for doing so. And so I changed. I became friendly, and cheerful, letting people know I wanted to be their friend. I was hated. So again I tried being the class clown, being loud and boisterous.

That didn't work either! And here I am, stuck with what to do, once more. I could get us all killed. I could hurt just one, or I could hurt many. I could stand back and watch them make their own mistakes, or I could jump in and make more. I was stuck.

And then Taichi said that it wasn't about me. What did he think I was being selfish? I have got to rephrase what I say out-loud. He said that it was about the choices, the sacrifices one must make for friendship. Like how I continued to change, but to no avail.

If I'd had continued on that path, who knows how I'd end up. But what if I were to go backwards? Perhaps, when it all came down to it, when you have to give up everything to do what's right, the important thing to give up, is yourself.

They're still fighting, doing all they could no matter what. And what am I doing? I'm standing there admiring their strong bond with their partners, their relationships, strength's and courage. Inside I wish more then anything to have a bond, a friendship with someone like that. And to reach that level of strength would mean stepping away from the way I think and act now, if only to gain just one step in the right direction.

Just then Metalgreymon's claw rammed into the ground, and to my shock it was in the same place where Veemon was. Correction: had been. Patamon had saved him at the last minute. Despite my feeble attempt to assure myself that Veemon was all right by asking, Takeru still came in. He yelled at me, fingering me for having just stood there and watched.

You give me too much credit Takashi-kun, I wasn't even watching…

I realised then, what made their friendships so strong. Because they were willing to do anything to protect each other, and to use all their strength in helping the other to find their way, because, in the end, they'd do the same for you.

I was Veemon's friend. And I did have a bond with him, no matter how loose. And I said as much out loud, finally taking that one step. Friendship is as powerful as you make it.

The Digimental sensed this. It rose up and floated out into the battle and stopped… right in front of me. It was mine. The Digimental of Friendship belonged to me, the one who could never make a friend his entire life. First it was the Digimental of Courage, which came despite my fears and doubts. Now this. But I understand.

Courage for the one who faces his fears, and musters the strength to forgive those who need it. Friendship for the one who would die to protect those he loves most. Friends, family… in the end don't we harvest love for the both? Aren't the two similar in the sense that we would do all we could just to see them safe and smiling? Yes. I believe so.

I could hear the others again. The sounds and colours were all back, and the path ahead was clearer now. They were happy, because of what I'd done. I had managed to activate the Digimental. We hadn't won; we hadn't even scratched the surface. But I made them smile all the same. It felt good.

Activating the Digivolution caused Veemon to become Lighdramon, a Digimon of lightning! His attack was Blue Thunder. The others smiles faded somewhat when his attack hit Metalgreymon dead center but did nothing. Though it did make me a little mad. I mean, here I am worrying about hurting him and when we finally get a Digimon strong enough to stand up to him, nothing happens! Yes, fate is laughing at me…

Yamato's idea was to work as a team, to attack him together. I was still unsure, though I probably didn't need to say so out loud. Either that or my legs have taken root… I'm just glad Takeru didn't hit me…

I realised I had only been worrying about what would happen by my point of view, and not the team's. Because in a team you work together, as a whole, to create one being that has the strengths of the whole, in order to fight. After all, does not the body have many different parts, which join together to make a whole?

And so I climbed onto Lighdramon's back, as Yamato had done with Garurumon, and together we headed off to face the Kaizer. With Garurumon and Yamato's help, Lighdramon and I were able to shatter the Spiral. The dark influence gone, Metalgreymon became Agumon again, and Taichi could only race to him in a reunion of happiness.

The Kaizer was gone, and everyone was happy. Atop my Digimon, I watched them and smiled ever so slightly; a true smile. I believe Lighdramon saw me, because he moved closer to the group. Though I guess the day's events must have caught up to me, because I suddenly slumped over feeling faint. Hikari was congratulating me, and all I could do was stare at the ground in an attempt to keep my balance. I had never stood up for anything like that before, and inside I guess it was all a bit much. Though I really could have done without Yamato jumping at me and ruffling my hair. He still scared me by the way… Though in a way I guess I understand him and Taichi a little better.

Back in the Computer room the whole day seemed kind of surreal, and I wondered if it had truly been real. I opened my D-terminal only to find I now had two Digimentals. Veemon was now twice as strong, and I now felt as if I belonged, even just a little more. I had taken a step today, and not just one; on the road I hope will lead me to realise I finally have friends.

Taichi had thanked me, calling me a Yosh tomodachi. [Good friend] I have never been thanked, nor have I ever considered myself a friend, never mind a good one. This somewhat surprised me, and of course was probably one of the reason's Yamato just had to give me a Noogie. Odd baka… [Idiot]

I'm officially part of the team now, and that lead me once again to wonder over being the so-called 'leader' of said team. Chibimon seemed proud, probably noticing the half-dazed cheerful expression, which seemed to have permanently plastered itself to my face. I was… happy.

I understand I have a lot to learn, about Courage, Friendship, Teamwork, and even about just being me. But I am willing to learn, if the others are willing to teach me…

To end a brief workweek of disaster, it is now 4 in the morning and I haven't slept in two days. So if you'll excuse my hurried recollection of the past few days, I'm going to go pass out in the hope that today is Saturday, and not Wednesday, like I kept thinking it was during the afternoon.

G'night.

~ M. A. D / ~Red*Dragon~ / |~AkaiDra~|

+ End Journal Entry +

~*^*^*~

People often read one thing, and think another, or hear something and interpret it differently from others. People who speak with eloquence usually do so in a manner that sometimes even they themselves do not understand. Though there are those who speak purely from the spirit, and their words are filled with Honour and respect.

Now Daisuke was one who saw himself in the world as a mere slave, a background face, a shadow. Thus he himself would write and speak humbly, with respect for those around him. For some the word 'love' has been taken out of contrast and become corrupt and perverse. But for Daisuke, and others of honour, it is a term used to describe those who he respects, and sees as brothers and sisters.

When you look at a girl or boy, one may think along the lines of sex, or merely a piece-of-meat so to speak. You will see a person, without a face, and see flesh, without a form. But if you look to this person with respect, you will see their true beauty; you will see neither girl, nor boy, but a sibling or cousin. Someone who you have not yet met, and yet at the same time, is alike to you, in a sense of family and friendship.

This is how we should see each other: friends, family, brothers and sisters. Because if we see each other with love, and not lust, perhaps those who judge without righteousness, who ridicule without reason, might see that they themselves are not perfect as well. Then perhaps we all might turn our weaknesses into strength, and journey into the Light together.

A/N: Okay, yes, I've said it before I am Christian. No ones held that against me yet, so I'm just going to carry on with my little fluff-speeches. ^_^

This is for someone who reviewed on a previous chapter and thought I was turning this story into a Shounen-ai/Yaoi plot. For those of you who actually like this: nope sorry, not happening. There's enough angst and revelations in here to keep me busy without adding a half-bit 'romance' of sorts. Though you can seriously take it anyway you want; I'm just not in the mood for writing hard-out Shounen-ai… again…

Did anybody notice my little 'self-insertion' in the first paragraph? (18772.EXE, lol)

Note: The Goldfish on Weed refers to a friend of mine, who was talking about our other friend's really bad memory. (He forgets faster then a Goldfish on Weed) Also the part about Linux is probably myself having hung around my other friend too much. But at least he knows what he's talking about, while I feign actually paying attention…